Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 12 Live Blog!

(Editor's Note: Ok, so I'm an idiot. I accidentally just wrote over an older post - for episode 10, I think - so there are some comments here that won't make sense. Also, you probably aren't seeing this post in your feed readers since it's a few weeks old. Oh well...)

Alright, my stalwart Survivor gang - it's time for another Live Blog!

Is it just me, or does it seem like this season has gone on forever? It ends Sunday (thankfully), and yet, this episode here is only the 12th. Have the seasons always been this short (and seemed so long)? I think not. Methinks the show needs larger gaps between seasons...

Anyway, on to the show!

7:00: Again with the four person "dual," eh? I suppose the contestants will have to balance 6-sided triangles on their laps later?

7:02: Hmmm...a scene involving Natalie crying...could that possibly have served as the "family crying moment of the season," meaning we might be dodging that bullet?

7:04: I swear to god, right as I'm typing that, the players are discovering phones with family messages. I'm fucking psychic (or I've just watched this show for a long time).

7:05: Hey! Andrea didn't turn into a ball of tears upon seeing her video. A Survivor first! Good for her.

7:06: Damnit, I wish Matt had been amongst the players getting a message. I want to know if it would have been from God.

7:07: Again, I'm psychic - he gets a turn after all. I'll be disappointed if Jesus himself doesn't tell Matt that he's really pulling for him in today's challenge.

7:09: I'm not sure if you're aware of this or not, but tonight's episode is brought to us by SPRINT...4G! How much you wanna bet me that the first commercial in the next break is from our friends at Sprint? The Epic 4G.

7:10: If I took a drink every time they said "Sprint," I'd be wasted already. And it's all been in the span of four minutes, so it'd be like shotgunning beers.

7:15: Are you kidding? Only one person is going home? So there'll be nine people left in the game, and we've got a finale on Sunday? WTF?

7:17: Bye, Steve. Didn't ya like how they showed Phil immediately after Jeff said Steve was going home?

7:18: What the shit? Is this series gonna be airing on the Trinity Broadcasting Network soon? I have my limits, people...

7:19: That said, while I don't know if it will make the least bit of difference for him, I think Mike made an excellent choice. Not only is it worth a shot, but it's not like he didn't get a) a message and b) to see his Mom in person. And if it curries him favor down the line, to go with the good karma he's already earned, all the better. I'm not sure if I could have made such a move, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

7:24: Okay, no need to correct me. I just got curious and looked it up, and I see that the finale is on the 15th, which means we've got next Wednesday as well. My bad! Though I think I also saw that the finale will start with 8 people - wow.

7:26: Grant's....sister's husband? Odd choice for a family member - I wonder if there's a story there. And Ralph's "friend?" I'm not sure that I would have guessed that Ralph was gay - cool!

7:28: Rob just talked about making a better life for his wife and kids. Yeah...I don't want to begrudge the guy that, but I can't imagine that they're exactly hurting for cash.

7:28: Spoiler - it will be unveiled that Grant is the second coming of Jesus later on in the show. He looks the part, right? And this is the Official Reality Show of Heaven, right?

7:29: Ok, I'll stop.

7:29: If the show stops first.

7:34: How can Grant not win this? The guy's probably spent more time running up and down stadium stairs than the rest of the players combined. Could anyone be more conditioned than he is?

7:38: Rob wins!

7:38: ...and then dies of heat exhaustion.

7:43: Crap, I was too busy skipping the commercials to notice - was that one commercial I called for Sprint or what?

7:48: But of course - Phil has been acting like a crazy fool all this time. I don't buy it. The guy might have had a moment of self-realization where he picked up on the fact that he's a nut that's almost universally loathed, but there's no way that everything he's said and done has been an act.

7:53: So what do we think? More bait and switch? It's gotta be Andrea, right? I say yay.

7:56: I really hope that those remaining five players are forced to do a vote amongst themselves next week, because I'd like to see if Rob can stick to his "keep Phil" strategy, and whether or not the pair of gals and/or the pair of non-Phil guys would dare to vote against each other. I can't think of another season in which we had a solid group of players that contained two even-solider [sic] pairs within it. It makes me hope for a four-person finale with the two pairs making it, just so they have to trash talk each other.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 8 Thoughts

* Phew! I almost had a Grant Attack at the end of the show tonight. I would not be pleased to see my favorite player get voted off sent to Redemption Island so soon. (Yes, I know, Robb - he's not really playing the game all that much, or at least probably not enough to your liking. Then again, he hasn't really had to just yet.)

* Seriously, how did Mike not win that challenge? The silver lining, however, is that I called Natalie as the winner pretty early on. Even a broken clock...

* Speaking of Mike, here's a sad bit of trivia for you: I just had to ask Mrs. Fletch to confirm that that was his name. I refer to him as "the boring guy."

* As for R.I. - I actually like what they've done by keeping it in play. It would be a bit lame had it shimmied its way into the sunset after half the season with its tail between its legs. But no need for that, for while it's not the EXTREME GAME CHANGER or jolt of energy the producers might have been hoping for, it is a welcome and meaningful addition to the game. Sure, it takes some of the edge off the game at this stage since the supposed jury members will not yet become jury members (so, what happens with Ponderosa?), but that's a relatively small price to pay.

* God's plan is for you to leave the game, Matt. Be sure to thank him on your way out (and while you're at it, can you tell Grant and Steve to relay that tidbit to athletes who only remember to thank their gods when they win, too?).

* Sarita is so fucking useless. Matt could not have had a bigger disadvantage given the duel that faced them, and she still managed to lose.

* Then again, I call shenanigans. Why and how did Matt have a bandage for his wittle boo-boo? I say nay to first aid unless it's a medical emergency! And if he got an infection and had to leave the game, so be it - the same crappy fate has befallen better players than he.

* I don't recall seeing who voted for you...did Andrea vote against Matt?

* First the customary post-merge feast, and then we see the players building a new shelter with plenty of tools and nails? What the shit, Survivor? Stop pampering these people - if I were an early season player of the game, I'd be pissed. (Don't tell me - I'm sure the tribe had leftover tools from some Sears/Craftsman reward earlier in the game, but they should have had a set time to use said tools, after which they were taken away or something. I don't care if that's inconsistent or illogical - just tired of seeing these "survivors" get shit handed to them constantly.)

* In case you missed it, People.com did an interview with the legendary Coach, asking him primarily about his dingbat-in-arms Phillip. It's a must-read. Here's the highlight:

Will more players now adopt mythological lingo because they see it's a great way to get airtime?
When I went out there, I said I wanted to change the game. It's funny that I changed it in ways that I didn't want to or expect to. But I don't really think the stuff that Phillip is saying is a part of who he is. I think that a lot of it is just a shtick that he's come up with.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 7 Thoughts

Just some quick hits from last night's ep. Hopefully will get to live blog this puppy next week...

* Couldn't both Sarita and Dave get the boot? Sarita - who resembles Kristen Wiig more and more each week - would get on my nerves real fast. It's no surprise that she's flustered and anxious during the challenges; she acts the exact same way all of the time. The lack of confidence she displays in everyday conversation is staggering - she seems to be the kind of person that needs constant reassuring about her place within a group. "Yes, Sarita, we like you. You have nothing to worry about."


Meanwhile, Dave, who appeared to be on the outs, was wise and just sat back and let Sarita do all of the begging and pleading...only she didn't really need to. I've no doubt that the lack of strength she displayed after the challenge served merely to remind her tribemates how weak she was at the challenges.

That said, I'll be shocked if Dave makes it very far in the game. Actually, if people think about it, he might go far, but he certainly won't win. He's a great selection to take to the final tribal council since he's a completely unlikable person. Aside from the easy and obvious answer - he's a lawyer - the guy just seems angry at the world and bitter. He's a know-it-all with a sense of entitlement that needs to be smacked around a bit. The guy just bugs me.

* And now with that said, there's this: Dave should have been voted off and not Sarita. First of all, it's almost a moot point, since the tribes are merging next week and Team Human Sweater will be down in the numbers no matter how you slice it. However, suppose that they somehow get it evened up - who would you rather have if you're Steve or Sweater: the loyal gal who's no threat to really win any challenges, or the lone wolf angry guy who's a self-professed "Master Puzzler?" Regardless of whether or not Dave is actually any good at puzzles, I'd rather have Sarita on my side.

* Jeff was trying a bit too hard at council. All this talk of a lack of cohesion in the tribe and a lack of trust and yada yada yada?? Zapatera held the lead at several points during the challenge and barely lost, losing largely because (yet again) they were going up against a freak athlete in Grant. It was just plain dumb luck, and sometimes - I know this is hard to believe - when you lose, you just lose, with no further analysis necessary.

* Speaking of Grant...attention remaining contestants: Unless you want to see him in the final three, vote him off now. I wouldn't be surprised to see Rob turn on him once he's sure the numbers are in his favor (if that ever happens).

* Just for commenter Robb: How much did you absolutely love it when Rob threw the clue into the volcano? Another case of the Bostonian brilliantly playing for the camera, I'll admit. I was calling for him to do it mere moments before he actually did.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 6 Thoughts

* Well, that was perhaps the easiest Immunity Challenge to predict ever, right? Right as it started, I said to myself and my family watching something along the lines of, "Uh, Grant was a wide receiver in the NFL - this thing's over." What does he do next but score 4 of his team's 5 needed points to win. That shit was riiiiiiigged.

* I understand that Steve is a bit older, but not only was he also an NFL player back in the day, but certainly appears to still be in shape. Until he starts limping around like Rupert did a few seasons back, you can't convince me that he's worse in challenges than Stephanie, Sarita, etc...

* There was much eye-rolling going all during the entire Redemption Island segment; that's all I'm saying. Congrats again to Reese Witherspoon's bizarro brother.

* Ok, now that Rob was forced to show his latest hidden idol clue to not only Grant but also Philip, can I please get apologies from anyone that defended his bizarre strategerie regarding last week's clue?

* Call me an old fogey, but I had to side with Crazy Former Postal Worker Philip when it came to his lashing out at the two "beauty pageant contestants." Cute as they may be, and poorly as he has handled the situation (for the textbook case in how to handle it, see Rob, Boston), he's still technically right. Stupid, but right.

* Has Dave dug himself a hole unnecessarily? By more or less outright siding with Stephanie via his public blasting of Sarita, followed by Stephanie's outing, he's put himself on an island with the remaining players in his tribe. Sarita may not be well-liked - and the calling out of her wanting to escape being the goat was hilarious - but as stated, she is loyal to the clan, and that appears to be the more valuable trait at this point. Not that I care too much - I don't particularly like either of them, or really anyone from that tribe outside of The Human Sweater.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 5 Thoughts

* With every passing week, Matt looks more and more like Reese Witherspoon to me. If he makes it to the family episode and she isn't on-hand as his representative, I'm going to be sorely disappointed.

* Ok, can someone explain Rob's actions with the hidden immunity idol clue to me? Yes, it was kind of funny while watching it. But mostly, while thinking about it afterward, it was pretty stupid. (I realize that my thinking about it afterward is also pretty stupid in its own respect.) Anyway, for a player that claims to be so smart (and usually acts as such), I'm a bit perplexed as to what all that did for him, aside from providing a few minutes of entertainment. First, he awkwardly escapes camp (along with Grant) with the coffee jar. Should anyone have noticed that, it would have been a red flag. Then, he explicitly deceives Grant - his biggest ally thus far - by swapping the first and second clues for an idol...THAT HE ALREADY HAS. Short of the clue telling the reader that the idol is "exactly in x spot that you can't possibly miss" - a scenario in which the reader (let's say Grant) would have known that someone (most likely Rob) had the idol, there was none. Now, should his actions even come to light, he'll be (even more) untrustworthy, and what was gained? Nothing.

* Who else loved loved loved that Stephanie and Krista were outwardly selling their allegiance to Rob at the Redemption duel...only to claim how their own tribemates weren't "playing the game" by attempting to get the girls on their side? Oh, because they're so loyal to the tribe, right? The things that some people say when they know their days are numbered crack me up sometimes. And as Mike (?) said, it's not as though the gals were attempting to sway anyone to their side, anyway.

* Oh Krista, we hardly knew ye. No, seriously, we didn't really know you at all, save for being labeled one of Rusty's "concubine." Good luck at Redemption Island (not really). Then again, I'd like to see Krista and Stephanie square off in two weeks.

* Or is it three weeks? Or a week from Wednesday? Reminder, Survivor watchers - the NCAA tourney is bound to screw with the show's air date in the coming weeks. Those sans DVRs especially need take note.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 4 Thoughts LIVE BLOG!

The opportunity is here, the timing is right - indeed, the Survivor live blog is back (for a limited time only)! The show starts in about five minutes...see you then.

7:00: Let's get this out of the way early: I would bet large quantities of money that Russ wins his R.I. duel. There is no way that a player of this caliber leaves the game this early. I will be stunned if he loses (and he's never even been all that much of a competitor at challenges).

7:05: Note to self: do NOT buy the DVD with the unrated content for Survivor: Redemption Island. Seeing Philip's junk is an experience that I never need to endure.

7:06: Note to you, the reader: Don't worry, I've never bought a Survivor DVD at all. Do they even have unrated content on them, 'cause there have been plenty of ladies over the years that I wouldn't mind seeing in less than their skivvies.

7:08: Haha - Russell's little concubine is still talking him up, even thought he ain't even there. Kissing his ass will do you no good at this point, ladies.

7:08: Philip said he was a Special Agent...take a drink!

7:09: "I'm fighting to honor my God." *Fletch groan*

7:11: Ho...leee....shit. Russell Hantz, out of the game! I'm speechless.

7:12: Holy shit again! That speechless bout didn't last. Big bad Russell is a big bad crybaby! This is too great.

7:13: Pardon me, I'll be right back. I'm gonna go get some cheese to go along with Russ' wine.

7:14: Philip is just too much. I don't even know what to say about that guy. The only parallel I can think of right now is last season's Jimmy T, a guy with too much confidence that was in desperate need of being knocked down a few pegs. It was difficult to watch it when it actually happened with Jimmy, but there's no way it will be anything less than glorious if and when (please be 'when') it happens to Phil. The guy is delusional.

7:22: We never really get a good impression, but you have to assume that the camp or beach or whatever designated area that each tribe is inhabiting is actually much smaller than we might've first been led to believe. I just don't understand how these people are able to find these immunity idols with such ease. It should take you longer than 15 minutes to find it with as vague a clue as Rob had. Whatever.

7:24: Yeah, I don't know about Christina taking any orders from Philip.

7:25: "Well, you have experience with these covert matters, Philip," says Christina. Brilliant. That was laugh out loud funny.

7:27: Tell me you weren't scratching your head during that sequence with Phil trying to get some kind of immunity for Christina from Rob. I know I was, I know Rob was, I know Grant was. What on earth - scratch that - what on Milky Way galaxy is that nut thinking? If we're lucky, it will be the nail in his coffin.

7:29: It's a shame that I like Grant as much as I do. He might be long for the game, but I don't see it. His strategic game is kind of savvy, but kind of not at the same time. It seems like the major component of it is being Rob's right-hand man, but he appears to be largely invisible (read: having NO strategic game) and his imposing physical presence will be scaring people off sooner rather than later. Of course, this is the game that I would probably attempt to use were I on the game (minus the physical presense of a former NFL player).

7:32: Craftsman! And more barbeque stuff from Sears!

7:33: I'm gonna be real disappointed if I don't see a commercial from Discover at the next break.

7:35: Case in point - are you seeing Grant out there?? The guy is Superman.

7:36: At the same time, Ralph has Farmer Strength, as evidenced by what'shername old lady from last season. The difference being that, as a man, he's bound to have even more than she does. I wouldn't wanna mess with him, either (or get near him, as he surely smells like a donkey).

7:41: I'm not positive...is that Sears meat? I swear I saw at least some Craftsman bell peppers. Yum!

7:42: I'm not sure at all what to make of that David guy. Seems like a tool - er, hang on a sec, Phil's holding a camp meeting, I have to pay attention...

7:44: I feel so bad for Christina. Let's hope that she survives this week and that there's a merge coming soon. I doubt it, but it's worth hoping. Still not sure why she got on the outs so quickly.

7:46: Not sure what Rob is so afraid of by keeping Christina - even if Philip goes home tonight, it's like 5 against 1. I think Christina is still on the wrong side of the numbers even should she survive. Rob's fear of her is bordering on irrational.

7:48: Natalie looks like she's 12. That is all.

7:51: I wonder if Phil can tell what votes are going to be read by looking at Jeff's face before he reads the votes?

7:52: Damn it all. We're fated for at least two more weeks of unintentional, uncomfortable humor.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 3 Thoughts

* First, some shallow and pedantic observations...

* Firefighter Julie shall heretofore be known as Cyclops. That poor lady's eyes are so close together it's creepy. Please don't tell her, though, as she could likely kick my ass.

* If you look through the dreadlocks and athletic build, Grant looks a hell of a lot like Mark Ruffalo.

* Along similar lines, I've decided that choir boy Matt looks like he could be Reese Witherspoon's brother.

* Anyway, up and down episode. I already don't think that's an entertaining challenge, so when you throw in the fact that it was thrown to boot, it makes it terribly boring. However, we got to see Russell's giant ego deflated at least a little bit, and I for one am glad to see it.

* Yes, throwing a challenge and dumping your own players this early on does indeed seem to be a pretty rotten idea, but I surely can't blame the group for wanting to be rid of him.

* Not sure how "Francesqua" managed to blow that duel. I would love to participate in that challenge. Definitely one that appears easy to those of us sitting on the couch.

* Anyone else hoping that Russ wins out in the duels and has to face Rob in the final one to decide who gets back in the game? That's about the best situation one can hope for, I think.

* While I'm asking questions, anyone else get bothered that they call one "Boston Rob" and the other "Russell Hantz?" Weird. It's like Rob doesn't have a last name.

* Loved the "Storm's a coming" line from the dark-haired member of Russ' concubine. Uh yeah, it is, and it'll be in the form a lightning bolt headed straight for you and blondie. Not sure how much shit I'd be talking if I were down 6-2.

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 2 Thoughts

* A good and bad episode for The Rooster (I forgot his name). Good that he found the hidden idol, despite his finding of it to be more accidental than a thought-out plan. As for his confrontation with Russ, it was good and bad. We all know that he has the idol - if you wanna tell people that Russ bogarted the clue (to the idol that you already have), go right ahead, as that only makes Russ look bad. But being the chief interrogator of the big stink? What purpose did that serve, outside of perhaps acting as a penis measuring contest? Now you've made an enemy out of a guy that, arrogant as hell or not, manages to do pretty well in the game. Yet, at the same time, I think it might work for The Rooster, in that if it was just a measuring contest, I think he won, or at least will get the last laugh. Russ' ego is out of control, and unlike his previous two runs on the show, these folks know his game. I'll be surprised if he lasts very long.

* Although I don't like Rob's plan since I'm a Christina fan, you have to respect how well it played out for him and how much control he has over his faction of his tribe. He's made an enemy of Andrea, but that seems more like entertainment for us than a threat to him.

* "I....am an EFFF BEE IIII...agent!!!" Yeah, that's pretty much all that runs through my head when I see Philip. Well, that and "Wow, just shut up, dude...."

* Speaking of Point Break, does Matt remind anyone else of James LeGros circa his surfing and bank-robbing days?


* OMG! Grant speaks! I knew he was soft-spoken, but I hadn't anticipated just how soft-spoken indeed. Despite him being little more than a Team Rob supporter at the moment, I think I'm gonna like the guy. He's gonna make a move at the right time somewhere down the line.

* Redemption Is-yaaaawwwn...

But really, I wasn't expecting much from R.I. this week. It'll start to get interesting next week when we have our first duel!

* Overall, a mostly uninteresting setup show, in fact. Tribal Council was another yawner, brought on possibly by the downpour that started up. I'm looking forward to the inevitable Rooster/Russter showdown, but who knows when that will be. And as I mentioned, seeing Andrea get in a hissy (the reaction shots of her after Matt was ousted were priceless) ought to be fun. Stay tuned...

And then...

Survivor: Redemption Island Episode 1 Thoughts

* I may be going back on what I said at the end of last season, but I think the Redemption Island concept will turn out to be a winner. The biggest strength it brings is adding an important new layer to the game. Exile Island was gimmicky and really didn't change the way that the game was played at all - the biggest thing it brought to the game was an added hidden immunity idol that was never very well hidden. Redemption, on the other hand, will dramatically alter not only the way that the members of a council consider who to vote off and when, but add the all-important second chance to all players involved. Had Kristina not known about its existence, I think she'd have played her idol tonight. Additionally, there's all of the added drama and show time that will be devoted to the player(s) on R.I., though you could argue that time spent on them will only take away from the valuable time we get to spend with the actual remaining tribes. I'm optimistic, though.

* On the other hand, all of my thoughts and fears about the inclusion of Russell and Rob were confirmed and then some. Not only are they already "all stars" amongst the field of contestants, but they got the rock star treatment from the producers. Flown in on their own chopper, de facto tribe leaders (what were the odds that they ended up on opposite teams?), and much of the gameplay centered squarely on their backs. To top it all off, Rob, who I normally like quite a bit, acted like a douchebag bully at council, flaunting his considerable clout on the first damn day. Try and convince me that another random player would have tried the "give me your idol or I can't trust you" bullshit on their first day of the game. Hate hate hated it.

* CRAFTSMAN sponsorship! Must be nice getting tools on your first day...

* Ugh, really? We spend considerable time getting to know two non-celebrity players this week, and wouldn't you know it, they're the ones either already voted out or soon to be. Now that kind of telegraphing I expect from the show, but as it happens, they were the two players on Rob's team that I liked the best thus far (I don't think we even heard Dreadlock Guy utter a word).

* Phillip seems like a scripted character. How he wasn't the first one off I'll never understand. What a flake of epic proportions. And, as Mrs. Fletch pointed out, after his council outburst, who's gonna trust that guy with any information going forward.

* I see that the producers were unhappy with the NYT (Nubile Young Thing) quotient last season and promptly remedied that this season. Good luck getting rid of all the eye candy so quickly this time, players! (Especially with many of them serving as Rob's acolytes.)

* Great challenge. Unique, grand in scale, and it was a decent fight to the finish.

And then...

Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 15 (Finale and Reunion) Random Thoughts

* First of all - yay, Fabio won! Though I never bought his "my strategy was to not piss people off" schpiel and don't endorse that type of game play, he was far and away the most likable of the remaining contestants coming into the finale. Holly wasn't necessarily unlikable, but she couldn't come close to his vibe. And I'm with the fellow players who thought Chase something of an idiot. On the other hand...

* Woot! Sash got zero votes. Though it's hypocritical of me since I think he actually did play one of the better strategic games, he was a totally hate-able (hatable? hateable?) buffoon and arrogant jackass. On the other hand...

* Speaking of jackasses, Shannon proved what a complete one that he is. A goat is a goat is a chicken is a duck. Or whatever. Loved Jeff's treatment to his answer.

* The "you're so boring you're not worth talking to" award sadly went to Yve, Tyrone, Jill, and "Purple" Kelly?

* Why why why why why did they continue to refer to her as Purple Kelly days after the only other Kelly got voted off? Ugh...pissed me off all season, in case you couldn't tell.

* How is it that the guy from St. Louis is the "surfer dude?" Never really thought of that until they reminded us of Fabio's hometown.

* I must say, I'm a bit shocked that Jane was the overwhelming winner of the Fan Vote for $100k. I could have sworn that was Fabio's in the bag. However, much as I liked the surfer dude, I'm actually glad he didn't win that, as I don't think the winner should be eligible for that award - spread the love around.

* How in the hell is Dan a millionaire? His ethnicity, looks, clothing and pinkie ring tell me that he must be in the mob. HAS TO BE. There were five people left including him, and he asks Fabio "How many votes do we need?" Easily the biggest WTF moment of the show.

* Redemption Island. It ain't a bad idea, but I really don't see how it's the "game-changer!" that Jeff would have us believe it is. It's a neat wrinkle, but really only one person will be coming back (and at what point?), and it's someone that got voted off earlier in the show. Why would they be any more loved upon their return? I guess it's a better idea than Exile Isle, though.

* Until next season...

Survivor news at Survivor.com
Survivor homepage at CBS.com

And then...

Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 14 Live Blog

It's a Festivus miracle! Just in time for the second-to-last episode of the season, I bring you the first live blogging of the season. I have no idea if this is really episode 14 - that's just what a 10-second Google search told me. Don't count on another one of these for the three-hour finale, though...

7:01: So, are the producers just telling us right away that Chase is going home tonight or are they just trying to throw us off the "Fabio's days are numbered" scent? I say the latter. There's no reason Fabio shouldn't be going tonight, much as it pains me to say so.

7:03: Alright - we got the obligatory "I'm in control of this game" statement out of the good and early. That's always nice.

7:04: "We got a cell phone!," says Chase immediately upon the return from commercial break. Um, shouldn't you be saying "We got a SPRINT cell phone?"

7:05: "Something as simple as a Sprint cell phone." There we go.

7:07: Have we ever had a contestant that had no family to speak of at all? Who would be in their video? I know we've had friends come to the island, but I imagine family was still represented in the [INSERT SPONSOR HERE] Family Message segment.

7:08: Not just a Sprint, but a Sprint EVO. Thanks for the clarification, Jeff.

7:09: Are those Subway sandwiches on that plate? If so, why the hell not?

7:10: I know I say this (just about) every season, but really? Do these people get drugged into being so goddamn emotional? Ton Hanks wasn't that emotional after seeing Helen Hunt for the first time again in Cast Away, for chrissakes!

7:12: "Fletch, here's your daughter, presented by Sprint!"

"Woooooo!!! This makes me so EVOtional!"

7:14: Oooh...Holly's husband Charlie gave quite the look of determination there.

7:15: Speaking of Chuck, I think he's this guy's brother --->>>

7:18: Charlie's gonna kill Chase when he returns to America...

7:18: But no! Chase gets one more pick, and it's Holly and her hubby!

7:19: Note to Fabio - if you love your Mom so much, why don't you live in the same state as her. Don't blame Chase for your issues at being a bad son.

7:23: God, I would never want to win a Reward Challenge after the tribal merge - these people turn into whining ninnies if you don't pick THEM to go with you. You only get so many selections...everyone can't go. Deal with it.

7:26: Blah blah blah family reward blah blah eating blah blah boats. Sorry, I was reading emails through all that. Whatever. Get to the good stuff.

7:30: And now...the return of the reviled Chase. Presented by EVO.

7:30: Fabio: "I'm a little bit jealous. You got four awesome rewards in a row." Whah-whah-whah. Maybe if you just won a challenge every now and then you wouldn't be such a whiny bitch right now.

7:32:"Some of the items in your bag will feel right but won't match." That's just messed up right there.

7:33: Dan is the last one. Who'da thunk it?

7:35: And just like that, Fabio pulls out a Challenge win...and he couldn't possibly need it more. Thankfully, this will make for an interesting end to this show. Dan might seem the logical pick since he and Fabio are in the minority, but is there a better person to take to the final Council than Dan? I think not. We all know Sash is in control, so he ain't going. Chase also has a hidden idol, so he shouldn't be going any where (when else is he gonna play it?). That leaves Jane and Holly. We all know they don't want to take Jane to the final Council, so my money's on her to go home.

7:38: An EVO commercial...how entirely un-coincidental.

7:40: What if Dan quits?

7:42: "Without us saying anything, what do you think?" In other words, "Holly, reveal your position before we reveal ours." Of course, Holly is dumb enough to fall for it.

7:44: LOL! I don't care about anything else Jane has done, that (pixelated) move by Jane right there (flipping Sash off) was fucking brilliant. On the other hand, I see what they did as being pretty damn honorable. They could have lied to her and just said "Yeah, we're voting off Dan," but instead they told her that they knew she would beat them and that they were afraid of her. I don't expect her to like those word, but they're probably better than the alternative of being backstabbed. People gotta go home eventually, right?

7:46: Seriously...stop calling that chick Purple Kelly.

7:49: Thank you, Jeff - the voice of reason. This is gonna be one hell of an interesting vote.

7:50: The look on Holly's face is priceless right now. She went from being secure to being pretty well fucked right now, being the only one of the three without an idol. So are we getting a tie or what?

7:52: The sad news in all this (that Mrs. Fletch just pointed out) is that Jeff essentially had to tell Jane, Dan, and Fabio what to do in this situation. Hello!?!?!

7:53: WTF just happened? I can't wait to see which of the Dan/Fabio combo is the bigger idiot - why didn't they all vote for Holly? And if neither did, well I'm just speechless.

7:57: (..........)

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And then...

Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 10 - Random Thoughts

* I was all set on doing a rare Live Blog of last night's episode from my Dad's house, but damn it all, couldn't find anyone's wi-fi connection to steal. If there's an ep next week, perhaps...

* Christ, Purple Kelly is a moron, and she hasn't said more than 40 words onscreen this season.

* Both sides screwed up pretty badly last night. Holly impressed me a bit by waking up from the blank stare that normally inhabits her face and formulating a plan, but they sure as shit weren't sly with it.

* Sash was thinking short-term, and though it might work out for him, had he given Brenda the idol, it'd now be him, her, Kelly and Chase vs. five instead of the current (maybe; Naonka's a damn wild card) six-three.

* Alina cleans up nicely.

* On the other side of that is this: with Holly et al screaming "Brenda" from the rooftops, they should have just voted out Chase on the down low. He didn't have a target, Sash wouldn't have given him the idol (had no one spilled the beans) and there wouldn't be any danger of one of their own getting surprised.

* Either way, I loved the way the show played out because Brenda's and Sash's heads were bigger than that volcano the Reward Challenge winners went to. They needed to be taken down a peg, and they got a hell of a lot more than that. Also, I'm rooting for Ben and Fabio at this point, and they seem to be more in power now, so yeah.

* #(*%^ing idiots...wood chests right next to a fire...

* I'm not positive, but I think Chase wanted Benry gone last night. Does that sound right? I mean, I could be mistaken; it's not like we heard him say that 49 times in 16 minutes or anything.

* Two solid challenges. The barrel-plank-rope one might not have been, but it seemed like something we hadn't seen anything like before (though I still have yet to figure out what the purpose of the ropes was). Meanwhile, you ought to know that I'm a fan of stamina, "how bad do you want it?" Immunity Challenges, and twice now the elderly-yet-strong-and-thin Jane has come out on top. Say whatever you want about her gristly personality, she's a gamer and a tough s.o.b.

Until next time...

And then...

Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 3 - Random Thoughts

* Marty might have won the battle, but methinks he is going to lose the war. He seems like a generally smart guy, but his Jimmy Johnson paranoia was truly bizarre, as was his unflinching desire to oust him from the team as soon as possible. For starters, I don't for a second believe that anyone - anyone - would grant Johnson the million dollars. But let's suppose that Marty is correct in his assumptions. Why not dump Dan this time and Jimmy next time? Clearly, there was enough support to get rid of Jimmy. Congratulations, your tribe is now weaker.

* It's early yet, but I'm fairly certain that my two favorite players thus far are Tyrone (aka "The Eyebrow") and the woman that looks like she should be playing Peter Pan in a stage production (Jill?). Sadly, there's not a single appealing player from the younger tribe.

(This is the part where Kid Vegas will come in and comment about some nubile young female from that tribe and say how I'm not salivating all over her because my wife might read this post or something like that. Sadly, this is not the case - there's really no one that stands out, aside from the really annoying people like Naonka ow whatever her name is. Jud, while an idiot, is at least an entertaining idiot - he hasn't really gotten on my nerves yet. Anyway.)

* The Jimmy T. vs. Marty struggle for power ought to be mildly grating; each is wildly insecure, and each is most likely willing to ostracize themselves from the rest of their tribe in an effort to prove their dominance. How predictable and boring and lame - I won't miss either of them.

* I feel genuinely bad for Dan, but he has no business being there, much less claiming that he's a "strong player" (more on this in a sec). Your guns aren't doing you a damn bit of good, Danny Boy - unless there's a bench press competition coming up, you and your bum knee and arthritis and general old-man-ness (he's 63) are doing nothing but dragging your team down.

* The most telling part of the show for me was towards the end of Tribal Council. Probst asked each and every one of the tribe whether or not they thought they "were one of the weaker players on the tribe."

Not a single one of them responded with "weak in what way?" or answered anything like that - they all claimed that, no, they were not weak, which indicated to me that they all assumed he meant physically, and no one would claim to be that save for Jimmy, something that I predicted. A true leader will admit to their strengths and weaknesses. Remember, the fools that claim "I'm too weak to play the game" are often the same people that end up sticking around for awhile; the vain ones fooling themselves by claiming strength are sent home. Yes, Jimmy went home, but I think his fate was sealed prior to giving that answer.

* I still can't believe that guy's name is "Benry." Next year, I demand a player named "Billiam."

Until next time...

And then...

Survivor: Nicaragua Episode 1 - Random Thoughts

Alright, I might not be doing the live blog, but that doesn't mean I can't/won't have something to share every now and then (or every week - who knows, we'll see) about the latest edition of Survivior. So...

* Wow. I thought that bartender guy from Arizona some years back (I wanna say his name was Rob) was the dumbest player ever to be featured, but Jud/Fabio takes the cake by far. Not only is he functionally retarded, but a spaz to boot - what a player. I really hope he sticks around for awhile, if only to keep me entertained.

* I've been largely opposed to them bringing in a famous player (caveat: unless the entire cast was of famous folks), so I wasn't too thrilled with Jimmy Johnson (who aged 10 years in the past two - or, more likely, just looks older without the benefit of makeup) being cast. However, I must say that I loved the attitude he brought to the table. Unlike the paranoid players in the game who think his "I won't win" speech is all a part of some strategy (c'mon, really?), I really believe he's just there to test himself and have a good time, and despite being exhausted, he appears to be doing just that.

* I felt really bad for the goat rancher that got sent home - she seemed like a nice lady and all that - but seriously, you can only shoot yourself in the foot so many times before it starts to bleed.

* Not one but two sad stories in the opening episode? Between the amputee and the recently-widowed, I didn't know who to feel worse for. That widow/dog trainer lady sure is a character, though, no?

* I don't know his name yet, but the older black guy that was at Tribal...I haven't seen eyebrow magic like that since The Rock.

* That North Dakotan swim coach has to stick around - she's gonna drive my mom crazy with her Marge Gunderson accent.

* A swim coach in North Dakota? That sounds like either a really secure job or one in constant danger of being eliminated. How many swim coaches would you say there are combined in the Dakotas? Over/under 20?

* Seriously, WTF, Survivor? You got something against people in their 30s? "People 40 and over, go right, people under 30, go left." I smell a discrimination lawsuit.

* Medallion. of. Power. Well, at least Exile Island is gone.

Until next time...

And then...

LOST - FINAL episode

All right this here’s my swan song ladies and gentlemen, the last episode of Lost, my last Lost breakdown, you guys won’t have old kid vegas to kick around anymore. So as for this episode, shockingly… I kind of liked it. The on Island stuff was pretty solid, I got the all-out war I was hoping for, Team Jack killed MiB and saved the world, and a few of them even made it out to live long fruitful lives in the real world.

Off island the big reveal was that their retarded “flash-sideways” timeline was actually a “other dimension” timeline, since apparently they were all in heaven the whole time; I’m a little dubious of this one, a couple too many inconsistencies. I think Cuse and Lindelof called an audible midseason when they realized everyone thought their alternate timeline was retarded (thanks mainly to me and my blogging) and switched it to heaven. But you know what, the heaven interspersals kind of worked in this episode; they didn’t work in any of the season’s other episodes, but for the finale they worked. Even I was a little emotional as Jack saved the Island and simultaneously came to the realization he was dead with his old man. Now let’s get to my final observations on what worked and what didn’t:

-Rose and Bernard, really?? Did we really need them to rescue Desmond just so he could be kidnapped two minutes later, and all so we could get that same retarded speech they gave last season finale about them thinking they were too cool to get involved with the other castaways? Yeah, Jack is busy saving the world while you two are douching it up in a hut, and you’re the ones who are too cool. And what was the deal with them showing up at the Church at the End - none of the castaways even liked them. How did they get an invite? Why not throw Frogurt, Steve, and hell, even Ethan Rom in there? Sure, Rom killed about 5 castaways, but at least he wasn’t old, annoying, a poor actor and didn’t douchily move to the other side of the Island and lecture people about things he didn’t understand.

-Speaking of random fringe characters no one liked showing up, I was kind of a little disappointed they didn’t have a 40-year old Walt show up at the church, even if he was just in the background laughing with Hurley. His bizarre age spurts don’t need to make any sense in heaven, I would have liked to have seen him, just for comedy’s sake. And why does Aaron have to spend eternity as a baby, we assume he led a long life after Jack died… I would have gotten his namesake Aaron Boone to play him.

-I mean going back through the season we can point out a million weird things with the Lost producers heaven, but the three that stand out the most to me are:

1. What is up with being able to have kids in heaven, now that doesn’t make a lick of sense… I’m looking at you David Shepherd. The obvious explanation here is they were going to make it an alternate reality and wimped out because that was such a stupid, stupid idea, or they just threw him in there to throw everyone off the scent of it being heaven, or maybe it was just some random kid who died on the island and Jack and Juliet just pretended he was their kid. They should have had that kid play the young Jacob in the Early island flashback, now that would have been a mindf^&$.

2. How the heck did Keamy slip into heaven yet Michael is still stuck on the Island whispering to random people. I mean Keamy killed Alex in cold blood, he was such an over-the-top bad guy it was ridiculous. I mean couldn’t they have cut to him being trapped in a hut with Rose and Bernard for all of eternity? That would have been an appropriate fate for him.

3. Why is Sayid the only one who doesn’t get to be with the girl he liked? I mean, did the producers just forget about Nadia? He loved her since he was 5, they got married, when she was killed he went psycho and killed a bunch of people for Ben Linus (speaking of, did we ever find out who those people were?), or maybe Sayid was being punished for all the people he killed by having to watch his brother nail the girl he loved, while being stuck with some random chick he banged because he was deserted on an Island. (More likely, the producers were seduced with the prospect of a Maggie Grace cameo, and couldn’t find any other way to work her in. I must admit though, I did enjoy seeing her).

-I get why they had to end where they did, because if they had done any flashforwards during the season it would have ruined the ending for everyone, but I still wouldn’t mind seeing an epilogue episode where we find out what happened with Hurley, Kate, Sawyer, Alpert and of course Dez. We know Kate “waited a long time for Jack”, but I mean she had to have at least banged Sawyer a few times off-island after Jack died. And what about Alpo being reintroduced to society after 500 years on an island? And will young Charlie Hume develop any super-powers passed on from his father, and if so will they form a father/son crime-fighting team? (Sounds like a spin-off to me. They could have Mr. Paik and Ji-Yeon be the supervillains they are constantly trying to thwart.)

-All in all a pretty good series though, obviously some pointless plots and lame mysteries over the seasons, but as a whole I guess most of our questions were answered, though the answer to most of them as we said a few weeks ago was “magic.” Sure we all have a few questions we’d still like answered. (e.g. Why did Jack’s magic tattoos make Asian people hate him?) But I think we got the closure we needed from the finale and can say the 6 seasons of Lost were pretty solid as a total product. So good luck out there and godspeed. I will answer any lingering questions people have about the show or any leftover mysteries in the comments section.

And then...

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains Episode 14 (the Finale!) Recap/Live Blog

6:58: Damnit, the show's starting early and the whole gang isn't here and ready in the living room. So I'll be starting off a couple minutes behind already, though I'm sure to catch up at the first commercial break.

7:01: Let me start off with this: I know I've been (jokingly) saying for weeks now that the producers have been pimping us for a Colby victory, but the only way that that could/should possibly happen would be if he were to make it to the final three, and the remaining Villains would be idiots to take him there. That means that Colby - who's been awful at challenges all season - would have to win both Immunity Challenges in order to make the final Council. Has he really been hustling them (and us) with his awful play? Or will the producers figure out a way to rig the challenges in his favor (if that's possible)? I'll be pulling him for no other reason than that he's the underdog at this point, but I don't like his chances at all.

7:05: How exactly have the other players let TWO former winners (read: millionaires) stay in the game this long? Aren't they supposed to be the first people targeted?

7:06: Wow, this is a long intro. What, 10 minutes so far?

7:08: You know you're a memorable player when you won the previous season and I barely can recall who you are. Natalie? Who's that?

7:08: I think Russell just admitted being wrong at something. That's a first.

7:12: What a terrible time for a "break the other players' tiles" challenge for Colby. So much for the producers rigging the game for him. He's --

7:13: Nevermind - it's yet another stamina challenge, which I'm back to welcoming (this is the finale, after all). Not that this gives Colby any better odds - he'll probably be out within three minutes...

7:14: Of all the people left, who would you say is the safest in the game at this point. Improbably, I say Jeri. She's nearly a lock for the final four, and less likable players like Russ, Parv and Sandra would be somewhat follish to take her to the final three.

7:15: Sandra and Jeri out. Colby FTW?

7:16: I'm sure the players are just loving the wind that's picking up in this very delicate balancing game...

7:17: Parvati looks locked in.

7:19: Unsurprisingly, she won. That was pretty impressive.

7:19: And we're back live! (Well, still tape-delayed to the West Coast. As live as it's gonna get, anyway.)

7:23: Colby using the old "I'm not gonna try to turn you guys against each other" play. Sneaky. That's right up there with the "I'm thinking about quitting the game" play in the annals of Survivor strategies.

7:24: Of course, not a minute later does Colby admit that his speech was a last-gasp attempt at sympathy. Wisely, the first person he goes to is Russell, playing on the Oil Man's insecurities about Parvati and Sandra. It just might get interesting. I would certainly consider keeping Colby (despite what I said above), at least if I were Russell. Were three Villains to make the final Council, and Russell were one of them, I'd peg him as the least likely to win it all.

7:30: Yeah, I just don't see anything happening here. A lot of potential drama, but Colby's gone.

7:31: Indeed. Bad as you played, Colby, you made it to the top five and were the last Hero standing. Hold your head high, and do your best to turn this into another Curb Your Enthusiasm role.

7:33: I gotta admit, I'm ready and willing to see The Karate Kid remake, despite the presence of the awful-acting Smith kid. I won't go so far as to say that I have high hopes for it, but it certainly doesn't look terrible.

7:37: I have to idea which alliance is truly the strongest amongst the final four. Weeks ago, I would've said Parv and Russ, but not only does Russ seem tighter with Jeri these days, but Parv has taken to Sandra quite a bit since her BFF Danielle got voted out.

7:38: TRAIL OF DEAD!!! They moved this segment up in the episode - I'm pretty sure it doesn't normally occur until there are just three players left, right? Or am I taking crazy pills?

7:40: Okay, I think I am crazy. The whole trail of dead segue into the final Immunity Challenge does seem to ring a bell. This is what happens when you skip this segment season after season.

7:41: The best part about all-star seasons? I'm actually not left saying "I have no idea who that is" or "Who the hell is that chick?" during all of it. Nice to know who all of the dead players are! It actually makes this segment halfway tolerable.

7:43: James, you didn't just talk more. You were more of a dick. Next time, try ditching that strategy.

7:44: I think Coach is juuuust about ready to write the screenplay of his life. Hitting theaters in 2012 (no coincidence that the Apocalypse has been foretold to occur that year as well).

Here you go, Coach - I made this right now just for you (well, I pasted your head on an already existing image, but you get the point). Feel free to use it:


7:46: Candice: I'm pretty sure that if you show up on a future season, I'll say the same thing I did at the start of this one: "Who's Candice?"

7:48: Colby, give it a rest with the "I'm older" card. Wiki says you're 36, for chrissakes, which I think would make you the second youngest of the remaining players. You're also (supposedly) in much better shape than the rest of 'em. Enough.

7:57: Had to pause for a couple minutes. Be behind until the next commercial break.

7:58: On a whim, I'm picking Jeri to win this challenge. A blindfolded maze? Is there a favorite for such a thing?

8:03: Okay, this is close - now I'm just rooting for Jeri so that I'll be right.

8:04: Holy shit, that was close. All three players - Russ, Jeri and Parvati withing inches of the final Immunity Necklace, yet Russ grabs it by the hair on his chinny chin chin. That was intense.

8:07: Sandra's hilarious. "I don't care - I'll take the $100,000." Pretty sure I'd be voting out Parvati as well were I in Russ's shoes. Though Jeri might be a bit of a threat considering how few people she pissed off during the game, along with her status as a non-winner.

8:10: I'm sure the fact that his seasons are back-to-back plays on our emotions a bit, but it's hard not to really consider Russ, for all his faults, one of the game's greatest players. Back-to-back final three! What more do you need to say?

8:13: Who's been protecting whom? The Russ-Parv power struggle never ceases to end. Who wears the pants in that relationship? I fear we might never know.

8:15: Someone needs to tell Amanda that she looks better sans makeup.

8:15: No need to read the votes, Jeff - we already know it's Parvati Jeri.

8:16: I admit, I was shocked there, especially considering what we heard Russ say as he cast his vote. I have to believe it was the wrong decision, though. As Mrs. Fletch is saying right now, if the jury were to consider giving their vote to a player that "really played the game yada yada yada," now there are two of those people left instead of just one, and frankly, Parv is a lot more likable than Russ, fake smile or no.

8:25: Yeah, not a whole lot going on, as you well know. Breakfast of champions, chat about how great we are, prepare answers for the Final Tribal.

8:26: This thing about "So-and-so has played the game of Survivor longer than anyone else ever!!" is retarded. Playing in three separate seasons certainly helps.

8:28: Revenge of the Socks! Russ burns peoples' socks, and now Sandra burns his hat. Hilarious.

8:29: Sandra's almost convincing me to vote for her, but in the end, I think this is Parv's to lose.

8:31: A poor play by Sandra in saying that "she tried to get Russell voted out three times." Uh, he's still there - how good could you be?

8:38: Somewhere along the way, I forgot that Parvati also won a season. Perhaps Russ has a distinct advantage after all. Though I don't know that people would vote for him solely because he's the lone non-winner standing.

8:39: Christ, Amanda looks like ass. Again, ditch the makeup, and while you're at it, put your hair in a ponytail - it suits you and your long face much better.

8:40: Coach just said "the penitent man shall pass." I think not of the Bible and yet of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. I know I'm not the only one.

8:41: Coach is wearing an Affliction t-shirt, to the surprise of no one at all in the audience.

8:43: Sandra again making the case for Russell, telling the jury how he was the one taking them out and how much she wanted him out and couldn't do it.

8:44: These jury members are doling out some really weak questions/comments so far. I know I get them for having vitriol after sitting in the jury box for weeks, but the opposite (this) is much worse. I want some fireworks, damnit!

8:45: If ever there's a Total Recall remake (there is, in production right now, I believe), I'm begging the producers to cast Danielle and her uni-boob as its version of the three-titted stripper. No additional makeup necessary!

8:47: Speaking of Selleck - the mustache is angry!

8:50: Rupert's looked pissed for weeks now - this ought to be good.

8:50: Funny, I seem to recall Rupert shaking Russ's hand just recently when his neck was on the line. Strange how desperation makes Russ a much better person, no? Spare me the false indignation.

8:56: That said, Russ can't be feeling all that good after that Council. He got his ass kicked up and down the street. Looks like another Sandra win, after all???

8:58: Christ, is Russ gonna get ANY votes?

8:58: I can't believe how many votes they're showing us. I guess that means it'll be coming down to the last vote. 5-4 in favor of....?

8:59: Hahahahahaha - they played an eagle sound effect at the end of Coach's speech! Effing awesome!

9:01: Johnny Fairplay in the house!?!? Say what??? I thought that guy was banned from all future Survivor events.

9:02: Russell...really not good at looking happy for others.

9:03: Sandra wins it 6-3 over Parvati. Impressive. Coming into tonight, I don't think I would have guessed that. The big question for Russell is, were you to play for a third time, after making the final vote twice and seeing that strategy not work, do ya think you would try something different? I sure hope so, but knowing how stubborn the guy is, I wouldn't bet on it.

9:19: I'm back from a short break, but only to say goodbye. To this episode (two hours is enough - you're on your own for the reunion show), to the season, and - unless there's a change of heart - to my days as a Survivor live blogger. It's been a fun run, but I think I've said that I have to say about the show. Thanks to those that have kept up with my snarky takes for the past god-knows-how-many seasons.

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And then...

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains Episode 13 Recap/Live Blog

So...will this be the week that Russ finally gets ousted? My bet is no - I think he makes the final three, yet loses again. Then again, I'm not so sure my prediction percentage in the history of this show is all that great. We shall see.

7:00: I'm not positive, but I think that tree over there just gave Russ a dirty look. Expect the tree to be voted off at the end of tonight's show.

7:03: Parvati with a Goonies reference, screaming out "Hey, you guuuuuys!" I gotta admit, she just earned some brownie points with me.

7:04: You'll have to excuse me for a moment, I just got a call on my non-existent Sprint Palm Pre that I just dreamed I owned. Don't worry, I'll SPRINT right back to watch some player put this game in the PALM of their hand and win. PREemptively.

7:06: Yay! Russell didn't cry.

7:07: Colby sure did, though. And Rupert's had the waterworks going for hours now, I think. Nothing worse than a blubbering, stinky pirate.

7:08: I think Sandra's uncle is about three years older than her. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

7:09: The blowholes? Or the SPRINT PALM PRE blowholes? I'm only going if it's the latter.

7:11: Sandra's cheating - using some strange dialect to communicate with her uncle. Of course, it's not helping at all. Meanwhile, Colby's having bad memories of his childhood or something, bitching and moaning at his brother the whole time. Remember, his brother's only duty in this challenge was to hold a bucket and catch the water that Colby threw at him. If the throw was weak...obviously, his brother was to blame.

7:13: I'm pretty sure I made the same observation years ago, but Parv's dad looks just enough like Joe Montana for it to bother me.

7:16: You're not gonna believe this, but the winner of that Reward Challenge (Jeri) and the people she took along with her (Sandra and Parv) get to - or have to, rather - take the SPRINT PALM PRE along with them to document their trip. I wonder if we'll get to watch the highlights later on CBS.com. We can only hope...

7:18: Interesting. The producers paid some old "native" guy to come out and show the players the time-tested tradition/game of throwing coconuts into the blowholes (which, admittedly, are cool as hell) so they can watch them get shot in the air a hundred feet. Yeah, I'm sure that was just a coincidence.

7:19: Parvati: "Honestly, the best part of the trip was that Jeri had that Sprint phone yada yada yada..." Cue eye rolls aplenty from your host.

7:21: Sure seems like this is shaping up to be a men vs. women final to tonight's episode. We know Sandra already has an idol; the winner of the next challenge is huge.

7:23: Rupert really has lost a ton of weight. He actually almost looks fit and trim. I'm seriously impressed.

7:24: Call me crazy, but it didn't seem like Colby was all that hip to Russell's guys' alliance idea. Though Colby hasn't exactly been all that responsive to anything this season, so who the hell knows what he's thinking?

7:27: Rupe with a nice display of passive-aggressiveness, being an ass making a shitton of noise while the rest of the tribe attempts to sleep. What the hell is he thinking?

7:30: Pardon me, I need to recyclye a comment from last week:

"Ok, as much as I have professed love for these types of challenges that test stamina and will, I must say that I'm getting just a tad sick of all these recycled challenges. They're good challenges, but c'mon, it's a bit much."

7:31: Colby continues his streak of inexplicably sucking ass at the challenges! It's as if he's purposely trying to make people think he's not a physical threat. Is he hustling everyone or is he just awful? Hustling them would be a hell of a move, but I just don't think he's that clever.

7:33: No wonder Rupert's lost so much weight - when it gets to these challenges, he just drips buckets of sweat. It's really kind of amazing. I think he lost two pounds in 17 minutes.

7:35: Well, with a Parvati win, she ain't going home. Nor is Sandra. There goes Russell's master plan. So who does the "guys alliance" go after? Will Russ be more loyal to Jeri or Colby and Rupe? History tells us that he'll go with whoever gives him the biggest ego stroke. Of course, if any of these people had a clue, they'd band together and take him out.

7:40: And there's our answer. Russ sees getting rid of Rupert as his best chance of staying in the game. Will the Magic Man work it again? Of course, helping him is Rupert's naivete this time around, as Rupe immediate told him that Sandra has a target on his back.

7:42: Within the last two minutes, it's become almost abundantly clear that Russell is going home, if not at least in danger. Sandra and Parv are showing the least bit of tact or fear in the face of the mighty Russell, pissing him off in the process. Little does he know that Sandra has an idol.

7:44: Of course! Not two seconds after I type that does Sandra say "Yeah, I've got an idol, and today's the last time I can use it. I might bring it to Tribal Council, but I might not." You f#&%ing idiot. God, I hope you go home. Anyone with that kind of hubris deserves to be voted out.

7:48: My biggest question: will Colby slip through yet another Tribal Council unscathed? Will the producers win again? Book it! The guy's made of butter.

7:50: Sandra shows some brains and plays the idol. Good for her. I'm sticking with my hunch that Russell is going home; I'm pretty sure Rupert just voted for him.

7:51: Or not. Bye, Rupert.

7:52: Ever the dork, Rupe leaves, but before he does he stares down Russell for a solid three seconds, giving him a lame pirate scowl. Here's a quarter, Rupe, call someone who cares (yes, that was just a weak attempt to shoehorn in yet another SPRINT PALM PRE reference, even though it doesn't even make sense with the whole quarter/cell phone thing. Just go with it, people.).

7:53: Oh, and it should be noted that Colby is the last remaining Hero in the game.

7:55: Finally, my Official Question Request for Rupert via Travis:

"Any plans to shave the beard and/or cut the hair? How much would it cost to get you to do either?"

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And then...

LOST - Jacob Episode

Morning all, so I know everyone has been eagerly anticipating my take on this latest episode which “solved” so many of the questions about the two godlike fellas we’ve seen running things over the last few seasons. My thoughts are it was a pretty terrible episode, and of course that we knew this was coming. I told you guys at the beginning of the season that there was not going to be any acceptable solution to the hundreds of bizarre and senseless mysteries they’ve spun together, and now that it’s time to start wrapping some up they’re doing what I foresaw all along. Hey how did Jacob and Man in Black (or “MiB” as the Lost nerds call him) get their powers? Magic. How did Mib get turned into black smoke? Ummm Magic? How did that wheel that sends people through time and space get made? Magic!! The only thing I learned last night were that Jake and Mib weren’t Gods, but rather humans given Godlike powers for some unknown and uncared about reason. Whatever, they could have told us that in 5 minutes instead of wasting a whole episode on it; now I’ve forgotten everything that was happening with Jack, Kate, and the gang again after 2 weeks away.

Listen, you aren’t going to get any life changing answers from Lost… obviously. Once they started traveling through time and doing even more bizarre stuff it became pretty obvious the solution to all their “mysteries” was going to be magic, but they could at least continue the strong character driven storylines that made people like the show in the first place. The final season was destined to be a disappointment no matter what, they made all these promises about solving all the mysteries in a genius way that would change television forever, but not even the most gullible Lost fan had any delusions of that happening. Yet, they somehow made it even worse by trying too hard with pointless alternate universes, even more confusing mysteries late in the game, and wasted characters. They should have just stuck with their tried and true formula of everyone running around the island doing their usual antics and trying to get off, hell just give me good old Desmondo running around without a shirt on, doing his Desmondo things, and I’m a pig in the mud… Here are some more additional thoughts:

-The Richard Alpert episode was kind of similar to this one, they spent a whole episode on Alp’s backstory, yet somehow the Alpert one was good and this one was boring, I think it was because Alpert was a character we already liked, it still had a couple of Island cut-ins with future Alpo interacting with Hurley, and of course the fact that Nestor Carbonell is a great actor…

-Which leads me to my next point, I get that they had to hire a kid who was an absolutely painfully bad actor to play young Jacob, since the adult Jacob can’t act either. But the adult Mib is an even worse actor than Jacob, and that young Zac Efron was actually a pretty good actor, it really confused me. Also, I’m obligated to mention, the babies that played Mib and Jacob in the I really did believe they were babies, which is more than adult Mib or Jake have ever done for me…

-I was hoping after their mother named the first kid “Jacob”, and the second one popped out she’d say “Call him Mib” or some kind of joke nod to all the retarded names the Lost nerds have come up with for old smokey, instead they just never said what his name was, ohhh it’s so mysterious…

-Here’s how I imagine the conclusion to the episode was written up at their writer table…

Cuse – “and then Jacob finds his brothers body and carries it back to the camp, then quietly buries his and his mother’s bodies and he’s all alone on the Island”
Lindelof – “hmmm, you know as long as we’ve got TWO bodies lying around…”
Cuse – “Great thinking, we’ll toss them in the caves, and cross another mystery off the big board! That should get those Lost nerds off our backs!”
Lost Nerds (upon viewing) – “Of course!!! It was Mib and his mother all along, I should have known!!! Those producers are geniuses!!!!!”

And then...

Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains Episode 12 Recap/Live Blog

No time for love, Dr. Jones - let's get down to business.

7:00: Starting off the show with a retrospection of Russ' greatest hits of the season? Not a good sign for the oil man's prospects to last through this episode, especially since two people are going home tonight.

7:01: Random prediction: Colby wins this season. I've been saying (joking) all season that the producers have been doing everything they can to keep him around - why not see him get the win?

7:02: Of course, that means I've all but sealed his fate. Colby going home tonight.

7:03: "Colby and I are on a sinking ship - there are no other Heroes." - Rupert. See - what'd I tell ya? Colby's going home.

7:04: No, Rupert - Russplestiltskin is not worse than Johnny Fairplay. That dude's just pathetic.

7:05: Sweet - fireworks! The battle of guys whose names start with Ru- is off to a rip-roaring start.

7:06: What does Candice's arm say? "I love John?" Boyfriend? She must be trying to one-up Sandra's Afghanistan t-shirt.

7:06: Ok, as much as I have professed love for these types of challenges that test stamina and will, I must say that I'm getting just a tad sick of all these recycled challenges. They're good challenges, but c'mon, it's a bit much.

7:08: Might I please suggest a bonus luxury item - please please please give these women (and men) some razors! Ugh.

7:09: How stupid do you have to be to voluntarily give up immunity at this stage of the game? It almost makes me want to see Rupert (and Sandra) go home. This is ridiculous. For food! Offer me a quarter-million dollars to step down and I'd think about it. Anything less - screw off.

7:11: Rupert just said as much. Apparently, his was the lead head on the chopping block, and he'll be the first one gone this episode.

7:12: Rhyming "stone" and "home" - interesting...

7:14: So, who wants to bet against Russell for getting this hidden idol? Not me.

7:15: Ha! Sandra thought there was seriously a bush on fire out there? Priceless.

7:16: As a reward for her stupidity, of course Sandra finds the idol. Though did she just put it back, or was that just the paper that came along with it? Either way, I don't get it. Everyone's gonna find out she has it eventually.

7:18: Ok, this is getting interesting. We've had situations before where people faked having an idol, but I can't recall a time when one person faked it at the same time that another person not only had it, but was actually (god forbid) hiding the fact that they have one. Though, at this point, it looks as though Rupe's plan is going to work - Candice appears to have her head on the block now.

7:20: Jeri almost appears to be balding. Don't get me wrong - her hairline is striking, almost attractive, but it looks weird.

7:22: Colby, I like you, Billy, but the self-righteous act you're playing against Candice is a bit much. People do what they have to do to get ahead in the game; you're not allowed to get all butt-hurt when it doesn't work out to your advantage. There can be only one! (Though there can be two movie references.)

7:24: Just saw a commercial for Burger King where the King was mocked up like Iron Man. Hilarious.

7:28: Oh yeah, the game. Bye, Candice. You will be sorely missed by no one. Well played, Stinky Pirate. I can't believe it worked.

7:29: I hope you saw what I saw just now: Russ just wrote down "Candance" instead of "Candice."

7:30: Russ needs to just chill the eff out, as his teammates effectively told him just now. "We're five, they're two. They suck at challenges." I swear, one of the biggest downfalls of people in power in this game is having a vendetta against one specific person that's in a position of weakness. Even with a Sandra flip, the numbers are 4-3 in favor of the Villains. Say Rupert gets immunity, which Russ is terribly afraid of for some reason. Bam - get rid of Colby. Now it's 4-2. You really think Rupert's going to win three challenges in a row? Calm down and stop feeling the need to dominate every section of the game.

7:33: God, I would so kick ass at this challenge...

7:34: ...until we got to the slide puzzle. I find those things either really easy or really impossible. Not much middle ground, and getting the solution is usually an accident.

7:35: Yes! Russ keeps Rupert from getting the idol! Which pretty much means it has to be Rupert or Colby going home now.

7:41: Goddamn, Russell is stupid. He's making it really hard for me to root for him. This plan will not work.

7:42: Russell just dug his own grave. This is going to backfire horribly, and it's plainly obvious that Parvati wears the pants in this tribe. Unappealing as she can be, Parv ain't stupid, and his thinking that he's the smart one and everyone else is part of some "stupid person alliance" is idiotic.

7:45: What has this game come to when Jeri has become the most honorable person in the game?

7:46: This is bonkers; it's clear that people are not meant to play back-to-back seasons of this game. Russ, who mind you is in a winning tribe right now, is off his flipping rocker, trying to convince anyone and everyone that they are the ones to go next unless they do whatever he tells them. He's acting as though he's an uber-desperate player who's about to go home. This is a cry for help.

7:47: I just saw Russ' idol - I'd totally forgotten that he even had it. If he didn't, he'd be going home right now.

7:48: That Amanda is one powerful chick - she managed to send Cosmic Crying Waves towards Danielle, forcing her into a crying fit.

7:49: This Council is painful, and Exhibit X for "Times Jeff Gets Too Involved in the Game." Waaaaaay too much being discussed right now.

7:51: Was I wrong about Jeri? "With this vote, I'm sealing my fate." Did she just vote for Danielle?!?!

7:52: Russell might have won this battle, but THERE IS NO CHANCE IN HELL that he's won the war. He's made a number of temporary allies...one problem, though - none of them like him! By my count, the only person that might even remotely be his ally is Jeri. Rupert might like him tonight, but that'll change once they get back to camp. Same with Colby. Sandra doesn't like him, and now Parvati will hate him. Who's left? Next week will be nothing if not entertaining, as all these separate mini-teams go head-to-head. Zany.

7:57: Oy - must come up with two questions for Travis now.

For Candice: Of all the people on the show this season, you appeared to be the most normal, the most down-to-earth, out there with so many loony personalities. Did it feel that way to you?

For Danielle: Who's your plastic surgeon? I want to be able to tell women who to avoid when they're considering breast augmentation. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

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And then...