Survivor: Samoa Episode 15 (The Finale!) Recap/Live Blog

Are you ready for a marathon live blogging extraordinaire? Because I'm not sure that I am, but I'm gonna do it anyway.

Five are left: oil man Russell, law student Jaison, doctor Natalie, and Prayer Warriors (an oxymoron if ever there was one) Natalie and Brett. One thing seems certain: if Brettt (aka Haley Joel Osment) makes the final three, the victory is all but his, provided that the most deserving player, Russ, does not a) also make the final and b) convince the jury that the most deserving player in many seasons should get their votes despite his millionaire status, asshole personality and Foa Foa membership. All that said, I'm going to predict P.W. Natalie as the eventual victor. Let the three-hour bonanza begin!

7:07: How could I forget - the biggest question of the night is not such a trivial matter as who will win, but will the producers yet again dump 10 minutes of the final show with the lame, forced Walk of the Dead? My family and I will now metamorphosize into Prayer Warriors with our shared focus being to eliminate this dreaded event.

7:10: Russell and the rest of the Foa Foans, fear not: Haley Joel will not be winning two more Immunity Challenges in a row. Will not. Even the evil CBS show runners, who will be trying their damnedest to ensure Brett victories will not be able to arrange that.

7:12: How much weight has Russell lost? Eat sh*t, Biggest Loser. He looks positively svelte. By the same token, Natalie and Jaison look thinner than Brittany Murphy. Ouch...too soon?

7:13: Obstacle course/puzzle for the I.C. I'm on board for that, and even more psyched by Russ's early domination.

7:15: Everybody's startin' to come together, Jeff! You should recycle all of your phrases. I sense two fingers on each hand being raised soon...

7:16: Sonuvabitchin' Brett wins it. I can only hope that in addition to winning immunity that he also earns some charisma. And get that smug little smirk off his face, too.

7:20: Natalie's worried about getting voted off because she's the weakest one? With another Immunity Challenge remaining, wouldn't that be something that you' really want in a competitor? Granted, I wouldn't want to take her to the finale if I were one of the other players, but that's because of a lack of weakness when it comes to final votes.

7:23: I brought you the Haley Joel/Brett resemblance last week and I have a new one for you this week (don't ask me why it takes more than a dozen weeks for this - you just can't rush genius, I guess). This week's Celebrity Resemblance is: Mick has taken to reminding me of FlashForward's Joseph Fiennes. Now if only he could sell the similarities more by constantly brooding and turning on all of his tribemates.

7:25: I just got finished re-watching Se7en last night; makes seeing Dave all the more creepy.

7:26: Okay, enough of all this celebrity nonsense. There's a game to be played here, and we've come to the first Tribal Council. Funny that all of the talk has centered around voting off Mick, Jaison and/or Natalie. One big, big name is seriously missing from the footage - why isn't that trio angling to oust Rusty?

7:29: It's absolutely incredible that the entire jury is made up of former Galu members. Has this ever happened? Even the Stephanie/Bobby Jon season had two of them remaining.

7:31: Buh-bye, Jaison. Can't wait to see who you're voting for...

7:31: And here I was just thinking aloud that Jaison's vote would likely be for Russell. Apparently not. Then again, I think we've had many a player that is initially pissed off at members of their tribe that vote them off, swearing that they will vote for the other tribe's player, only to settle down after having a few days/weeks to think it over.

7:36: Brett: "If I don't win [the next Immunity Challenge], I'm probably gonna be the next one to go home." Ya think so, Doctor?!?!?! No one ever accused Brett of being a John (rocket scientist).

7:38: I know he's always this way, so I really shouldn't be looking too deeply at it, but Russ's cockiness over his assurance of making the final three really, really ---

7:39: WAIT JUST A GOTDAMN MINUTE! BOOOOO!!!! You know what that means? It's Walk of the Dead time!!! Let's actually go pay attention this time and see if there's something we normally miss in this obviously brilliant segment:

Marissa: Nope, don't remember you.

Mike: Hey, it's Jeffrey Tambor. I do remember you, though only because of that reason.

Betsy: You were the cop, right? Meh.

Ben: The name doth not ring a bell. Oh, but the face does. One of the biggest d*cks this show has seen in some time. Nice to hear honesty from Mick: "I wasn't sorry to see him go." Awesome - that's the kind of reaction I've been waiting seasons upon seasons to hear.

Yasmin: Another idiot. But you keep that confidence, hon.

Ashley: If she weren't blond and young, I wouldn't know who she was. But since she was, I know that she was part of Russ's "Dumb Girl Alliance." Rusty, so awesome.

Russell: Vernon Davis!

Liz: I had forgotten you as well. For good reason.

Erik: The inhabitant of my favorite part of this season: the Tree Cave Hole.

Kelly: Boy, we never got to know you at all, other than for being a pseudo-ScarJo.

Laura: You sucked, and I'm glad you're gone.

John: I had come to like John, but he got a bit wacky towards the end there. Tough luck, genius.

Danger Dave: The sight of you scares me.

Monica: See comments for Laura (to a lesser degree).

Shambo: Definitely a memorable character. Not to be confused with likable. I wouldn't be surprised to see her on some future All-Star season, despite the fact that she's about the farthest thing from an all-star.

Jaison: Not sure how you made it that far considering that neither your brains nor your athletic prowess proved to be as good as they seemed to be. Chalk it up to an early alliance that overcame insurmountable odds.

7:49: Alright, where was I? Yes, Russell's cockiness about making the final three. Something about those comments, or the timing or placement of them, put the fear into me. Call it Insider's Insight® Intuition.

7:52: Once again, I don't like the final Immunity Challenge. Balancing a statue on a pole? I want them to feel immense pain and utilize endurance and stamina to win this challenge. How long can you hold your breath underwater or walk on hot coals or something like that. Balance is such a fluky thing. I'd end up sneezing...

7:55: Were the placards with the contestants' names in front of them really necessary? There are only four of them - I think we know who they all are at this point.

7:56: Effing christ on a stick. Down to two people left...and of course, Brett is one of them.

7:57: To add to the bullshit of a balance challenge, the wind picks up. Amazingly, it doesn't knock off either player's statue. In other news, I predict a Brett win all the way.

7:58: Ok, I will admit that this is intense.

7:59: I just screamed "YES!" as Brett's statue fell. This is less a knock against Brett and more of a vote for Rusty. I'm fairly certain that Russ ain't winning the show, but it would have been ludicrous for him to not have even been given the chance...and even if he did make the final three, yet along with Brett, it's almost certain that Brett would win.

8:03: If you think Russell is keeping his word to Brett about taking him to the final three, I've got a bridge to sell you. The only, only thing that makes me think he might hold his word is the extreme value of potentially losing Brett's vote for sure should they oust him.

8:07: Russell is openly asking Mick and Natalie what they think his chances of winning are. What a jerk/awesome guy. Hey, you two people that I'm going up against - how badly do you think I'll beat you? And yet, the magical part of it is that he actually doesn't come off like a complete ass while he's saying these things. It's really a wonder to witness.

8:08: One thing seems for certain: Natalie will be joining Russ. Mick vs. Brett? I'm not so sure. Mick's paranoia seems on-base to me.

8:27: Okay, we took a little break, so I'll be catching up via skipping through the commercial breaks over the next hour or so. Then again, you're probably seeing the show an hour or more before me, so the point may be moot anyway. Or you're not even reading it on Sunday night. Anyway, full disclosure and all. No emailing me the winner before 9:00pm MST.

8:30: Tribal Council time. Who's the geek they sent in Jaison's place? By the way, I think Mick's going home.

8:31: What the hell am I saying. There's no way Russ keeps Brett, considering the Galu-dominant jury. I see dead Bretts.

8:32: No, Jeff, there is no suspense. The Foas are just saying the right things to make it seem as though Brett has a chance in this vote. He does not.

8:33: ...and the producers give it away by showing us the first two votes, by Natalie and Mick, both being for Brett. A tie? I think not.

8:35: Surprise, surprise. Oh wait - Brett going home isn't a surprise at all.

8:38: Hey, Mick - your shorts must have drawstrings. Use them. Lucky for us in the audience, CBS is blurring out your pubes. But what about poor Russ and Natalie?

8:40: Please, please, please mix things up just a tad, will ya? The Walk of the Dead, the Final Three Breakfast, the ceremonial Burning of the Shelter...yawn. Rusty's neverending barrage of boasts and trash-talking is the only thing keeping this portion of the show interesting. Those comments were made even funnier by the fact that he, Mick and Natalie have such a small bearing on the outcome.

8:45: Let me sum up Mick's opening statement: "I'm really boring. I tried not to piss any of you off. Please vote for me."

8:45: Natalie's opening statement was of the "I'm really glad you sucked enough to put me into this place. Thank you." I always love the hubris it takes to make that kind of statement.

8:46: Russell, meanwhile, is giving us the play-by-play of all of the people he had a hand in voting off. The "I'm way better than you and knocked your ass out personally, so vote for me" road; it's really his only play, as false humility at this point would get him nowhere. As such, I like it. Just in case it needs to be said: I'm outright rooting for Russ to win. Duh.

8:48: Natalie: I'm unemployed. Please vote for me. (Oh, and please ignore the fact that I was in sales making no doubt a ton of money.) Interesting play by Jaison, taking a path that seemed to be aiming at Russ and turning it into "Look beyond money, because all three of these people are monied." A plus for the oil tycoon.

8:49: Shambo's coming out firing! You go, girlfriend (and other homegirl cliches). In other news, she declares hers to be a vote for Russ.

8:51: Brett just said "bro date." No words. Okay, some words - is this Love Connection all of a sudden? Weird.

8:52: Kelly, please introduce yourself to America. Thank you, now return to anonymity.

8:55: I really don't see how this can't end in a shutout for Russell. This is a bloodbath.

8:56: Monica, Dave, Laura....boring. The lack of fireworks in this final council is astounding, made even more pathetic by the fact that all of the final three are saying that they've performed terribly (even Russ). Woo confidence!

8:58: Please Erik, save us. You're our only hope. Give us some drama and/or humor.

8:59: Does Erik deliver fireworks? Um, no. He delivers waterworks, nearly coming to tears talking about people that he hasn't spoken to directly in weeks, being the first person on the jury. Weird.

9:01: Erik just got back to his seat and attempted to slice his wrists with a piece of nearby hay. Now I feel bad.

9:03: Alright, before we return to New York or L.A., it's time to place your bets on who you think will be the Most Shocking Makeover award recipient. this award typically goes to a female that either gains back her pre-show weight or is buried under an avalanche of makeup, but, as with all things this season, I think my vote will be going towards Rusty. I predict a clean-shaven face (of course), but perhaps also a much trimmer physique.

9:05: Not two minutes later, I can already see that I'm wrong. He has stubble, his goofy hat on and doesn't appear to have lost any additional weight, and might have even gained some back.

9:06: Instead, the winner is....Natalie! Dolled up like Miss America, gained a few pounds, fancy cocktail dress - she's almost unrecognizable. And, as usual, she looked better before.

9:07: 3 votes Nat, 2 votes Russell.

9:08: 4-2. I don't wanna be right.

9:08: It gets to 5 and Jeff calls it. Considering that they always milk as much drama as possible, this means that she won 7-2. Lame voting, jury members. Super lame. I don't expect Russell to take this defeat very well, and the looks on his face seem to confirm this. In other news, my prediction was right!!! I rule.

9:12: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, congrats, Natalie - now let's talk about the only player that anyone will remember from this season aside from Shambo's Mullett, Russell..." That's pretty much how I see this reunion show playing out.

9:14: Is that a silver pacifier around Rusty's neck?

9:15: Man on no humility Russ thinks he played the "best strategic game in history." Not sure if I agree with that, and Jeff illustrates that with a potential scenario for him to chew over. Look, Russ, I like you as much as anyone, but a win is a win is a win, and you didn't. Now take your lumps and your loss and accept it. This is supposed to be Natalie's moment - let it go.

9:19: On that note, I'm closing down the Survivor live blog for this season. It's been a hoot (and a decent season to boot), and I look forward to doing it again next season, just as I look forward to your responses. Thanks!

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 14 Recap/Live Blog

This season has gone by pretty fast. We're down to the penultimate episode and six remaining contestants- can you believe it? For this episode, it would seem that Brett's future is in serious jeopardy? Will the Foa Foa Four (+1) continue their solidarity, or will there be a break in the chain that spares the pre-pubescent one?

7:01: We start the show focusing on Brett; already not a good sign for his future, given how little we know about the kid to this point in the game. He's busy attempting to gain favor with his tribemates...in the form of massaging Shambo's hair. Talk about taking one for the team. Ugh.

7:04: Hmm...perhaps the less I knew about Brett, the more I liked him. Savvy move using Natalie's shared religious background to gain favor with her.

7:05: Finally! Russ's beard has grown long enough that you can no longer see the weird "four fingertips" patch of skin on his neck where hair doesn't grow. That was freaking me out.

7:06: In other hair news, Brett commented on Natalie's gorgeous blonde mane and Shambo decided to wash her rat's nest, which set Russ off on a jag about what she's capable of hiding in there. Will this episode turned out to be sponsored by a shampoo company or something? I will be Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise if and when this happens.

7:09: Sweet - they're playing some sort of mixture of Jenga! and Pick Up Sticks. This is an inventive challenge that we haven't seen before. I like it.

7:11: Natalie just led Brett and Mick in a prayer circle...at the challenge. I'm gonna lose it. I ought not say anything more.

7:15: Was Natalie switched with a different player overnight? Where did this person come from? Okay, I'll stop.

7:21: The actors they got to play Samoans don't even look Samoan to me. I swear I saw some guy that was twirling a stick on CSI last week. Synergy.

7:22: Just kidding. Though I wish they would look more tribal or something. I do feel like these are normal villagers that they pay to come put on a show, whereas they always seem to present it as though these people live in huts and never wear shirts and such. I could be wrong, but it just feels fake.

7:24: It just hit me what Brett looks like: Haley Joel Osment had he actually grown up when he grew up, as opposed to staying 5'3". I see intensely religious people.

7:26: Is Shambo drunk?

7:28: Nevermind. All of them are drunk.

7:30: Russ about Brett: "He's not faster than me." I'd like to make a wager on that foot race, please.

7:32: The question is, with Brett's head firmly on the chopping block, what will the producers do to ensure his victory?

7:33: Whaddaya know - the challenge involves a ton of running and a little counting. My money's on Brett to win!

7:36: Unbelievable...Brett wins Immunity. I tell ya, you can't script this stuff! Or can you?

7:42: Russell needs to shut his damn mouth. Whether he's trying to assuage Shambo's fears or attempting to convince Mick of Shambo's weaknesses and character flaws, Russ is talking a mile a minute and bound to really do only one thing: inadvertently piss someone off and/or slip up somewhere. If you're not in danger, let all of the people that are do the scrambling.

7:45: Speaking of Russ being an idiot, he's a giant one if he doesn't play his idol. He has nothing to lose by doing so. This is the last chance he has to play it, which means it's the last chance for a true blindside against him. Should they cast no votes for him, no harm done whatsoever. Should there be votes cast, how stupid would he look to not play it, when keeping it does him no good? It would be the worst way to get voted off ever. Granted, I don't think they'd vote for him anyhow, but there's nothing to lose.

7:49: All that said, I don't see how this vote isn't for Shambo. Mick was busy acting like he didn't know what Russ was talking about when the oilman was complaining about Shambo, but who else is Mick planning on voting for? Mick seems tighter with Jaison and Natalie than he does with Brett - who else is left besides Russ?

7:50: And there's my answer: Mick votes for Shambo. She is D-U-N.

7:50: Russ, I was hoping you'd get voted off there for your hubris. Okay, not 100%, but damned if you didn't deserve it.

7:51: Though my distaste for Shambo has waned over the last few weeks, I couldn't be happier that she was ousted. First of all, it was really great to see a team that big that actually stuck together as long as they did with no breaks in their loyalty (even though that might not be compelling at times). Second, Shambo got played like a violin, and she's naive for not seeing it ahead of time (before the incident with Russ and Jaison tonight; I mean long-term). There were four of them and one of you...like we always say, if you're the swing vote, you're gonna be on the chopping block soon enough.

That said, good on her for accepting that reality during her final speech, even saying that their loyalty was "great." We'll see if her tune changes after a few days stewing at Ponderosa, possibly turning her venomous for her big question/comment at the finale. We can only hope so.

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 13 Recap/Live Blog

7:00: Crap. Having the episode start out with Russell stating "I'm in control of this game" and "I'm on my throne" "and telling Mick about his million plus earnings. This is not a good sign for his fate in the game.

7:01: It should also be noted that since I'm a fan of Survivor's page on Facebook, I saw that tonight will feature 2 Immunity Challenges, 2 Tribal Councils, 2 Jeff Probsts...apparently, two of everything. I do not expect Russell to be here at the end of the night.

7:02: Then again, would they really be so obvious with the outcome of tonight's episode? I can only hope not.

7:06: Chin Pubes speaks! Perhaps this is a sign that Brett will be the other person voted off tonight; he's said more in the first 5 minutes of this episode than in the last six combined.

7:08: Blammo - challenge time already. This ought to be a good episode.

7:09: You know I have a theory that every movie that features bowling is a good movie, or at the least, every movie is improved by bowling, right? And here we have a bowling tournament - excellent.

7:10: OMG! Are they actually going to let the contestants throw the ball more than once? What a luxury for them?

7:11: Well, yes and no. They get two throws - a whole frame. How big of the producers. "Here you are, player - I'm going to hand you a foreign object (more or less). Your job is to excel at this task on your first try. If not, you're out of the contest. We're simply trying our best to ensure that all of these challenges are determined by pure bullsh*t luck and not any sort of skill whatsoever. Enjoy."

7:14: In a battle of attrition, Jaison takes Immunity, though I can't imagine that either he or Shambo were on the chopping block.

7:18: Good god, Sham. Please cover your gut. Do this for me and I won't ask anything else from you.

7:20: Thank you.

7:21: Have we ever figured out why it is that Shambo hates Dave so much? Sure, there was that one argument we were shown over how to cook a chick, but there's got to be a hell of a lot more than that? I dunno - Dave just doesn't seem to be all that hatable to me.

7:22: Jeff to Shambo: "Great working of the jury. Well done." Ha! Way to call it like you see it, Probst.

7:27: So much for Russell's plan that he mentioned to Dave. Kevin Spacey voted out. Too bad - he was probably my second-favorite player there. I'm gonna be screwed if Russell gets ousted.

7:29: Okay, I think that was a first. We were just shown a promo during the show...for footage to be seen later in the show. I'm already watching - you don't need to advertise to me!

7:32: As we know, any time someone shows him the slightest bit of anxiety, Russell freaks out as well and immediately wants them voted off. I wonder, what would he do if everyone left came up to him and told him that they were nervous about him and/or their place in the game?

7:36: [Arms raised, two fingers on each hand held up in the air] Brett wins...immunity!

7:43: Why should Mick and/or Jaison care what Russ's plan is? What about their plan? He's only one man and there's two of you.

7:45: Russell talking about his money is far and away the stupidest move he's made in the game. Everyone knows. And he's left not knowing who to be more pissed or afraid of - it seems as though everyone's gunning for him. If he does in fact have the hidden immunity idol, he needs play it.

7:47: Sh*t...as I type that (of course), the amazing Russell goes ahead and pulls the idol out of his pocket and puts it around his neck. Easily one of the best moments of the season thus far. Never seen that before.

7:49: Brett is clueless. After Russ's move, he claims that the oil man is "obviously confident" with his place in the game. Dummy - Russ wouldn't make that move unless he was freaked out; it's an act of desperation, and frankly, I'm crazy worried about his place in the game. He needs immunity, and lots of it.

7:52: Who's it gonna be - Monica or Russell? And will Russell play his hidden idol? Stay tuned to Blog Cabins continuing coverage of Survivor: Samoa...coming up next!

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7:53: And we're back. Russell does not play his idol...

7:54: Thank God...Jaison, Mick, and Natalie decide to not turn on Russell, sending Monica home. Frankly, it was a fine play for Russell to not use his idol (the rare case where I'd say that) - had he played it, it's likely that he would have just been teamed up on again at the following Tribal Council, where he would be naked.

You know, unless he found the idol for the fourth time. :)

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 12 Recap/Not-So-Live Blog

I always wanna call the episode after the recap show the next in line numerically after the last one (which would make this one 11), but I seem to be the only one in the internetiverse that does so, and that leads to all kinds of confusion between me and the bajillions of Googlers looking for information and/or hot noodz of the contestants. And so, I will call this episode 12; world, don't go changin' on me now.

Anyway, as you might've noticed, this post is coming to you hours after the episode aired (even on the West Coast). Thus, the Not-So-Live blog. That being the case, the standard time stamps are moot, and will be replaced by run-of-the-mill asterisks. But my recap will be 100% LIVE as of the date and time of my watching it, so expect the same off-the-cuff, poorly thought-about commentary and bad jokes that you've come to know and love.

Alright, Mrs. Fletch has readied herself for viewing, so let's get this party started!

* Odds of Russell holding up his end of the bargain he made with John (about voting off a Foa Foan next): 50-1.

* Could it be possible? Is Russ finally starting to lose a little bit of his pot belly? It would seem so...of course, as I'm typing this, the contestants are receiving their auction money and talking about full bellies. We'll see.

* Um...what's the deal with Jeff's hair? A bit too much Grecian formula, Mr. Probst?

* I want to sell my car to Natalie. If it were on the market for $25,000, I think I could get $68,000 from her.

* Of course, I shouldn't give her too hard a time; there's nothing worse than seeing these auctions and having players walk away with nothing but the meaningless cash. You're there to bid, you might as well get something, even if it is sea noodles or cucumbers.

* Good for Jaison - food is temporary and fleeting, but advantages in the game can make lasting changes.

* That's the biggest hamburger I think I've ever seen. Four pounder?

* What were the odds that the best looking person left won the right to get naked and shower? Classy use of porny jazz music, Survivor. I wonder if the same music would have played had Shambo won that?

* John, John, John...what a dummy. It's one thing to be selfish and take the lone slice of pie for yourself when you had a prime opportunity to win back some goodwill. But no, you had to make it 10x worse by, when given the option from Jeff to share, asking your tribemates if they wanted pie (duh!) and then decided to play keep away with it. Hey, homeless people - do you want a free mansion filled with booze? Yea? Ok, sorry, I'm gonna keep this can of beer for myself instead. Idiotic move.

* Haha - wow, those people are sick of each other, man. Big ol' fights about how to cook chickens. I understand that Shambo got too close to the chickens and had a hard time with their being killed and eaten, but that's no excuse to go off on the other players. Or how about this for an idea? If you have large issues with the fates of the chicken (which is fine), don't be the one to cook them!

* I wonder - do the producers force the previous Immunity Idol winners to wear the idol to the next challenge? I always think they look stupid wearing their giant necklaces; I'd want to just carry it in if it were me.

* Big, big advantage for Jaison if he uses it correctly. Wait until you start to tire, then move up those two spots. The only way he can ruin it is if he uses the advantage either too early or too late...which of course, he just did, using it pretty much right out of the gate. Dummy - you need to wait until people start to tire (including yourself), thereby demoralizing them and giving yourself a mental boost to go along with your physical one.

* Impressive run by Natalie, putting several of the men to shame. Meanwhile, Jaison looks weaker than Dave despite his advantage. What a pansy.

* Lucky for him, he was able to barely outlast Dave. I'm be somewhat ashamed of that win if I were him, though.

* And so the dilemma of which I first spoke is soon to come to a head: Shambo is dying to vote off Dave, and I don't see Russell really having a problem with that plan. However, John ought to have a big something to say about that. Let the fireworks begin!

* Sorry - I know there's no time stamp, but it's been awhile since the last comment. And it's all due to a ton of great strategical play all over the place. Will it be Dave or John...or perhaps another blindside (Russell?)? An excellent point brought up by Jaison when the talk of voting off John came up; piss her off and you run the risk of losing her votes in future Councils. Feel free to take her for granted as long as you want, so long as you make sure that you've got the numerical advantage at the point that you do so she can't come back to haunt you. Though there's a bit less drama here than in the last episode, there's certainly plenty to go around, and for the first time since the game really got going, I don't have much of an idea at all who's going home. The players can say that no vote would be a shock, and they're certainly right to an extent, but I'm almost certain to be surprised.

* Then again, from the votes we were shown, perhaps it won't be that big of a surprise. Dave, Mick or John.

* What you just saw there...that was John getting f*cked. Proper f*cked, as someone from Snatch might say. I actually feel bad for him.

* Next week? More Russell on the chopping block!

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And then...

Programming note

There will be no Survivor live blog tonight, as Mrs. Fletch is away and I'm off to see Ninja Assassin in preparation for the next LAMBcast, to be recorded tomorrow.

However, since we'll likely be watching it tonight, there may be a tape-delayed (sans tape, of course) unlive blogging later. Stay tuned...

And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 10 Recap/Live Blog

One week until Thanksgiving. You know what that means, right? The evil clips show will be the next episode, if there's even one at all. A Wednesday airing is possible, but I'm gonna say unlikely. So get your Russ fix in tonight, since he won't be back for two weeks (if he's still on the show at all...).

7:01: One more reason to like Danger Dave...immediately back form Tribal Council and he comes over and congratulates Russ and the Foa Foa Four. His shocked yet bemused looks at Tribal were a good hint to his mindset (as opposed to Laura, who looked stone-cold pissed), but it was still a great display of humility.

7:05: The rat race begins early, as Russell is up at the crack of dawn - before his fellow players, of course - already looking for the latest hiding place for the hidden idol. Let the calamity begin!

7:08: Yes - tacky product placement returns! I won't say what the product is since I don't want to contribute to this behavior, but let's just say that it's a phone whose name rhymes with Calm Free. Sorry, I need to go to the Home Depot toilet now.

7:10: Why is John the team member in the lever-pulley challenge that's being pulled around by his teammates? Wouldn't you always choose the lightest person, in this case being Monica? Dumb.

7:12: Shocking - that tactical error likely cost the yellow team a victory, as the purple team had the ultra-light Natalie in their hammocky thing. Even better news for the purple team? They can now make phone calls with their schmacy Palm Pre - oops! Damn, I said it.

7:17: As if the mid-show commercial for a phone wasn't bad enough, they decide to show us "pictures" that the castaways took with their phone. Um...those pictures were not taken with that phone - at least not all of them. What's it got, a 3-megapixel camera in there, and yet it can take crystal-clear images that fill an HDTV? My ass.

7:18: So we're shown some footage of Mick, Jaison, and Monica chatting it up back at loser island about strategy and this and that and the other. !!!! Why aren't these maroons tearing up the place looking for the hidden immunity idol. Complacence and confidence are good tactics to use if you'd like to leave the game.

7:22: And so the insanity has begun. Russell tells Jaison and Mick about the clues, and within seconds flat, Laura and Dave are following him around like a puppy following its master.

7:24: If I say "he did it again," do I even need to extrapolate on that for you to know exactly what I'm talking about. Russell is on another plane of Survivor Consciousness, people. The big question now...to play it again or give it away? I say play it again - what's to stop him from getting it again?

7:26: Of course, the better plan would be for Russ to get the run of the mill Immunity Idol. I say he's due. Laura can not win it again.

7:28: I don't know about the "throwing rocks" portion of this Immunity Challenge, but John sure had a smirk on his face when the "shooting arrows" portion came up.

7:30: Seriously, how old is Brett? I know women with more facial hair than him!

7:31: Ok, I don't actually know any women with more, but I know I've seen women with more. Get that boy some testosterone, stat (Mick, you're a doctor, you do it).

7:32: Speaking of Mick - good god, a Foa Foan actually won something, as Doc took home the Immunity. Not quite as good as Russ taking it, but pritty, pritty, pritty good nevertheless.

7:35: The sensitive piano music during Shambo's heart-to-heart with Brett was priceless. That is all.

7:40: There's a lot going on, so it's hard to get my head wrapped around all of this business that Monica, Dave, and Brett are selling, but I'm pretty sure it's going to fail miserably. There's no way Sham is voting anyone but Laura, and I'm fairly certain that the Foans are more than content in playing their odds with a tie (at worst). If anyone's likely to flip, it's a former Galu player, not a Foan. And so far, it seems like John is wont to join Shambo. It really seems as though the balance of power has shifted, despite what the Galus (minus John and Shambo) think.

Oh, and by the way, I'm liking John more and more after the events of this episode.

7:48: Don't you love how the focus got shifted away from Russell's head justlikethat? He lives (barring a rock draw).

7:49: And oh by the way, I know we're getting a tie, because there's too much time left in the show. Sometimes, it's just that easy.

7:50: Tie ballgame! Even Dave Matthews loves it!

7:51: C'mon, John - this is your time to shine...

7:52: Laura...
Natalie...
Laura...
Natalie...
Laura...
Natalie...
3-3...2 votes left.
Laura...
...
...
Final vote: Laura!!!! Bless you, John - you're officially my second-favorite player. Of course, you are NOT the favorite player of Dave, Brett and Monica - they were sending tiny daggers of hate his way. The next episode ought to be full of frisky fun. See you in...two weeks? (They didn't say.)

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 9 Recap/Live Blog

No, I have not gotten over the loss of the Tree Cave Hole since last week. Regardless, I will soldier on.

7:00: The Foa Foa Four? I wonder if they were ever in league with the Seattle Seven...

7:01: Is it possible that the episode will play out exactly as Laura mentioned, that "Russell will be voted out next?" Despite the obviousness of it, or more like because of it, I just can't imagine it playing out that way. The savvy CBS producers will rig the immunity challenge to favor a Santa-bellied Southern oil man, I'm sure of it. That or they'll inject another player will some illness to force them out of the game. Yeah, we'll go with that theory.

7:06: Poor little rat. All that drama for 3 oz. of food? They should have captured it and fed it food to plump it up to at least chihuahua size. Then they each might've gotten a bite or two.

7:11: These are some of the worst runners I've ever seen. I mean, just awkwardness all around, save for perhaps John and Mick. Jaison and Russell running next to each other...wow, I think I could watch that all day.

7:19: Hi, Kelly. Nice to meet you. Welcome to the game of Survivor.

7:20: Here's your top secret reward clue for the re-hidden immunity idol: there is an immunity idol somewhere at your camp. You know, just like there was last time. And it's hidden, just like it always is. Your clue is information that you'd be a dolt for not knowing in the first place. Congratulations!

7:22: Will Russell find a second idol without a single clue?

7:22: Of course, just as I'm typing that, he finds it. What a f*cking awesome son of a b*tch! (Sorry, but that was just awesome.) What the hell is wrong with all of the other players in this game? Remember how I (jokingly) called the producers of the show savvy? I take it back, I take it all back. They are now idiots for having not thought as intelligently as one of their own players. There's only one of him and god knows how many people working behind the scenes with input on such matters, and yet this one player knows how predictable they will be and finds a 2nd idol sans clues. Sharpen up, people!

7:26: Damn it all - I have to backtrack yet again. Russell's an idiot. I disagree 100% with his strategy of telling someone about his find. You know they all want to vote you off at the next tribal - why not truly blindside the other players in the game and let them vote for you like they planned.

7:27: Making matters worse, the above scenario I just mapped out is Russell's plan. Newflash: you didn't need to tell anyone anything to incentivize them to vote you out, dummy. Now there's the possibility that she turns on you, tells anyone, and all of a sudden you're potentially playing another idol for nothing.

7:30: My anger at Russ on his plan notwithstanding, of course I am really pulling for him to win this Immunity Challenge. That would be nothing short of beautiful.

7:32: Sheeeeeeiiiiiiitttt. Too busy smirking to pull your bag back in time, and now you're out of the challenge. Nice going, Russ.

7:36: Channeling Indiana Jones: Laura? Why did it have to be Laura? C'mon, Jacque.

7:36: Then again, Laura's confidence that Russell will be going home almost made it worth it. Not quite, but almost. Though it really would have been great to have seen her go home.

7:40: There goes Russell again, now telling Jaison about his find! "The idea is to surprise them with it," tells us about Russ's plan. That's gonna be pretty damn hard when they all know about it. How many other people know now - four? What are the odds that Jaison, Natalie, Mick and Shambo allll keep their mouths shut?

7:43: "That's not rocket science," says John. Haha. Nice one, Mr. Rocket Scientist.

7:45: Russell doesn't want to play his idol and not need it, but he also doesn't want to not play it and then need it. Screw your doubts about whether or not they might be writing your name down, son - better to go with the latter scenario than the former, no? Besides, what's to stop you from finding it again?

7:47: I have decided that I shall deem Mick "Steve Young" and Erik is now "Dave Matthews." Just thought you should know that. Not that there's a tribal council going on right now or anything.

7:49: Really, all that banter was much ado about nothing. "Galu is tight, Foa Foa is helpless, Erik was a snake." Been there, done that.

7:50: Good for you, Russell!!! Played it after all.

7:51: Yes! They voted for him, to boot. This is gonna be great.

7:52: Excellent...with a Shambo flop, it becomes a 5-5 game in terms of alliances. The entire drama remaining in the season hinges upon that flop. Meanwhile, Jaison, Mick, and Natalie need to start worshipping the ground Russ walks on. Finally, I can't wait to see all 10 players running around camp like chickens sans heads looking for the soon-to-be-rehidden (again) idol. Expect it to be floating in the air some 100 feet high where no one will find it; it would be embarrassing if any of the players found it with any ease whatsoever.

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 8 Recap/Live Blog

I don't know if it's just because I've had a busy week, but it feels like it's been two weeks since the last episode. Thankfully, it hasn't; it's just my memory that's going.

7:02: Russell is sleeping with his shoe acting as a pillow. Don't even let anyone tell you that Survivor is phony. If I never have to use my shoe as a pillow it will be too soon.

7:06: Laura (and her bolt-ons) is almost pretty, but there's something very skelton-y or something about her. And I find her really annoying. I know, this is the kind of insight you've come for here on the Survivor live blog. What can I say - we all know there's a merge happening; until a challenge or the merge actually happens, there's only so much of the Shambo-Laura Snip Fest that I can take.

7:07: Erik in his Tree Cave Hole! Take a shot!

7:09: Uh-oh, Jeff got his job outsourced once again. In other (totally unsurprising) news, the tribes have now merged. Let the show (and maybe strategy?!?) begin. Finally, now we might be able to learn about the members of Galu (or was it Foa Foa?).

7:11: As usual, Russell is the only one we hear talking about strategy post-merge. Shhhhhhhocking.

7:12: Before I forget, I'd like to remind you all to head to your local theaters this weekend and support Danger Dave's new movie, The Men Who Stare at Goats. Dave co-stars in this zany comedy with George Clooney, Jeff Bridges, and Ewan McGregor. A great time to be had for the entire family!

7:15: Time for a Brett Facial Hair Status Update! It is currently rated as "Not Quite Equal to a Hispanic Ten-Year Old." Congrats, Brett! In no time, you'll be upgraded to "Chin Pubes."

7:17: Aiga? Did I miss the new tribe naming? Where was the team-building exercise?

7:18: As it turns out, I totally missed it. I tell you, typing while watching might not be the best way to experience Survivor.

7:18: Oh...SaaaNAP! Did Laura just have the gall to not kiss Russell's ring? Consider her D-U-N in this little game. Turns out Laura might not be so dumb, letting Russ know that, contrary to his beliefs, he does not in fact hold any cards, trying to win at poker with a busted straight. Lucky for him, the "rocket scientist" and Monica aren't exactly brainiacs, as it seems as though they've bought his act hook, line and sinker. I have to say, I hope Russ's plan works, and not just because he's targeting Laura (though that ain't hurting).

7:25: I'm starting to get suspicious: either Russell is gonna succeed at whatever his plan is, or he's going home. The ENTIRE show has been about him thus far. I know he's interesting (compared to some of these stick figures) and all that, but c'mon, there are plenty of folks out there that we barely know. This is too much.

7:28: The players only get one swing in this Tee Ball Challenge? Weak. A strange bat, a foreign ball, a small course that is easily hit out of - give 'em three swings each, let 'em get a feel for the field, huh?

7:31: Nice to see that the ball is made of that most natural of island materials: painter's tape.

7:33: Russell's attempted marks - John and Laura - each win immunity. I must say, I'm disappointed - probably my two least favorite people there. Will this spell doom for the millionaire (snake) oilman?

7:40: Watch out, contestants - there's a new sheriff in town, and his name in Erik. There's some crazy scrambling going on at Chez Aiga tonight, as members of both former tribes have their heads all over the damn place trying to determine their battle plans for the next several tribal councils. John convinced Erik of his plan to flush Russell's idol out in order to go Monica >> Russell. Jaison (and much of the former) is now desperate to get Erik out of the game. Russell is clueless as to what's going on. Good God, man - we've got some strategizing going on! The only real downside? All this talk about/from Erik, and no sight of the Tree Cave Hole thing. My emotions are all over the place.

7:47: Erik might be being an ass (and sabotaging his own place in the game), but he's dead right about Jaison: he hasn't done a damn thing in this game. Success in the real world doesn't mean a goddamn thing in Survivor, friends - just ask the doctors and lawyers and former NFL quarterbacks that have been ousted solely because of their positions in life. Jaison's been mostly useless, and at this point, I can't say that I'd be sad to see him go. As for Erik - what with Russell's hero turn over the last several weeks, we could use a new villain (and of course, I need my Tree Cave Hole, but you already knew that).

7:50: This is easily the most exciting vote in years, and that includes final episodes. Okay, maybe that's slight hyperbole. But it's good, anyway.

7:52: Good for Russell. I think playing his hidden idol was a smart choice, and I think he'll be fine long-term in the game.

7:53: Ok, maybe playing the idol wasn't wise. And then again, maybe he won't be alright - he obviously hadn't a clue as to what was about to go down. Not a single vote for Russ thus far.

7:55: Meantime, Erik and my beloved TCH are gone! He's been BAMBOOZLED!

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 7 Recap/Live Blog

So...who's gonna die tonight? Are you ready for some football? Well tough, but Survivor seems to always be good for some rough play. Off we go...

7:01: We're coming to you live from Eric's fabulous Tree Cave Hole Thing. Slightly ingenious, but mostly weird. Cracks me up every time I see him in there.

7:02: Uh-oh...someone just said "bros before hos" - time to take another shot. Time to change the game - we will now take shots for every time they show Eric in his Tree Cave Hole. I expect to be drunk by the midway point.

7:07: You know what the best thing is about the next episode after an episode where no one was voted out? We get equal time for each tribe at the start of the show. How refreshing.

7:09: Ingenious plan by the Galu guys making ShamWow their new "leader" (there's a Leadership Necklace? WTF?!?). This ought to equal some high, high comedy.

7:10: You know what's one thing that I never, ever needed to see in this lifetime? ShamWow's armpit hair. Kill me quickly.

7:11: The reward is lunch on a boat? And the contestants are thrilled? Sounds like a sh*tty reward to me. You're on an island! You see the ocean every friggin' day; whoopity do if it happens to be from a boat! Sure, the lunch is sure to be nicer than their normal diet of rice and unspiced fish, but I can think of many much better challenges (shower with spa, tools, a toilet, etc.).

7:13: If someone gets injured playing Memory, it might be time to cancel the show...

7:14: Going back a minute or two...um, since Shambo is sitting out of the challenge, she had to assign a decision maker for the tribe? What is going on here - when did this show turn into preschool? Of course, an amusing bit of course did ensue when her choice was immediately poo-pooed by Kevin Spacey, after which Sham immediately acquiesced. Some leader.

7:16: A few minutes ago, Mrs. Fletch mentioned that the blonde girl on Galu that we've barely seen or heard from looks like Scarlett Johansson. True that. Strange, then, that she is the lone invisible player remaining. CBS, why aren't you spotlighting this person? Of course, this gives me an excuse to put up a ScarJo picture, so win-win.

7:18: Of course, as I'm typing that, Invisigirl is given a spotlight in the confessional. Her name is Kelly! Hi Kelly, nice to meet you.

7:19: In case you couldn't tell, I didn't care much for that challenge. Bo-ring. I did enjoy watching ShamWow attempt to hold back her smirk when she sent the player she most hates, Laura, off to the other camp, thereby missing out on the reward. I'm no ShamLover, but Laura, who hates ShamWow as well, really looks like a bitch. I'm glad she got sent.

7:23: "I'm a womens' minister. I don't want to be a pastor of men; I don't think that's a woman's role," says Laura. No wonder I don't like her - I can think of about eight reasons just in that sentence why I don't like her.

7:25: Brilliant, Russell. Laura's not there 10 minutes (seemingly) and he's all over her like white on rice, working his cajun mojo charm.

7:26: Monica reminds me of a former Survivor player, but I have no idea whom.

7:26: See? They go out on this supposed reward, and what happens? They're put to work and fed beef stew. I'd have rather not gone. Jerks.

7:34: Women are so funny. If I were in Shambo's shoes (or Laura's) and my hated rival just got back from an exile of sorts, the last thing I'm doing is giving him a hug.

7:35: Shambo's been there for two weeks and she barely knows John's name. I don't feel so bad now.

7:35: This episode is really starting to piss me off. Jeff just bitched at Foa Foa because no one was wearing the vaunted Leadership Necklace. Heaven forbid! Thank goodness they told him that they did, in fact, still have an All-Hallowed Leader and that they merely felt the necklace was bad luck. Jeff was about to tattle on them to Principal Belding or something like that.

7:40: That looked like one of the harder puzzles that the game team has drawn up. Galu wins again! Liz...Jaison...who will be going home? I'll stick with Liz; Russell might be pissed at Jaison, but losing teams always seem to stick to the "we need men for the challenges!" tactic.

7:42: Just thought of this: Laura's a pastor, ShamWow's a lesbian. Might explain their distaste for each other. Just maybe.

7:48: So is that guy Mick the anti-Jack Shephard or the uber-Jack Shephard? All I know it, he's the most boring island doctor in pop culture history. I could not care less about him one way or another. C'mon, Professor, make a radio or something with that big brain of yours.

7:51: Jaison: "I actually do feel like I have some large responsibility in these losses." Dude! There are only five of you - if you lose a challenge, you're essentially guaranteed a 20% share in that responsibility! Suck ass like you did and all of a sudden (whaddaya know?) your share hikes up closer to 50%. So yeah, I'd say you were pretty responsible. Dummy. I have 80% turned on Jaison.

7:53: However, my supersmarts were correct yet again. The weakest female (Liz) was voted out yet again. Sadly, she will not be missed by anyone.

7:55: CBS might want to alter the text of the Family Moment when there's only one person doling out that moment. Makes it more depressing than anything. Just say "Liz's brother" or "husband" or whatever.

7:57: Next time on...Survivor Live Blog: a merge and champagne and other craziness. So long as Eric's Tree Cave Hole makes an appearance, it's all good for me.

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 6 Recap/Live Blog

First of all, I'd like to thank CBS for apparently spoiling the biggest tease of the season thus far. By Sunday night, I'd been told by multiple people who the player was that would be getting injured in a challenge tonight. Secondly, I'd like to thank the producers of Survivor for having yet another challenge wherein someone will be getting injured to the point that they'll be forced to leave the game. Awesome going! There better still be a Tribal Council tonight. Let the show begin...

7:02: Before we get going, a note: Bad Russell will now be referred to as Bald Russell, and Good Russell will be Dread Russell. Then again, such nicknames might not be necessary after tonight's show.

7:03: Does it surprise anyone that Bald Russell thrives off the misery of others, mocking the cold and rain that are plaguing the Samoan refugees? (Hint: it shouldn't.)

7:09: OMG! Brett totally has some chin pubes working! So proud of you, little guy. You've only been out there two weeks or whatever.

7:10: I don't know if Dread Russell was wearing his buff before or something, but I never noticed that he's got a serious "Jerry Rice with cornrows" thing going on. Uh, Dread, when you're balding (and with a weird pattern, at that), perhaps the clean-shaven look is the way to go.

7:12: Allow me translate the 60 seconds of airtime that Bald Russell just gave us regarding his tribemates' handling of the rain into three words: "Man up, pussies!"

7:17: Will this be the challenge where someone nearly dies? Oh, the drama! My guess is no; there's not nearly enough physical activity going on here.

7:19: Um, ok - nevermind that last post. Sounds like there will only be one challenge, what with both tribes going to Council. Let the countdown to catastrophe begin!

7:20: Is someone getting run over by one of those giant balls? Tell me no.

7:23: Spoilers confirmed. It was indeed Dread Russell that will be exiting the game. However, I must offer an apology to the producers; while a strenuous challenge for the four ball pushers, Dread clearly had some medical issue coming into the game that was unforeseen for even him. Not yet back from commercial - hope he's alright.

7:27: Really, is the dramatic "heartbeat" music necessary? This ain't ER, for chrissakes.

7:28: Did Dread have a concussion or stroke or what? What could possibly compel him to think that he's ready to go back to the challenge?

7:31: "Our leader is not here..." I can't recall a season where the "subordinates" were so dependent on their "leaders" as the players are this season. It's bizarre. They're paper leaders, people!

7:33: All snarkiness aside, that really sucked to watch. I feel awful for Dread Russell. Truth is, he'd probably be fine in a couple hours with some decent rest, food and fluids. But the fact remains that it wouldn't be fair for him to have the advantage of those comforts - despite his current state - while his competitors are stuck in the cold and the rain. It's terrible that he has to leave the game, but it also wouldn't be right if he were to be allowed to return.

7:39: How stupid are Natalie and Liz? Here they are, content to vote each other out, together representing TWO-FIFTHS of their tribe, totally fine with the notion that one of them is definitely going home. Meanwhile, they represent TWO-FIFTHS of their tribe!! All they need to do is get one out of three guys on their side and - BAM! - they live to fight another day.

7:42: Meanwhile, Dumbo - er, Shambo - is trying (?) like hell to save her ass, but it's beyond futile. The women hate her, especially Monica. Then again, the guys realize that she's a non-threat to them, while Monica and Laura have a bond of their own. Perhaps it will be interesting after all. But Shambo is just coming off as a weak player here, desperate to save her ass, but doing it all the wrong ways.

7:44: The shots of Eric and/or Shambo peering their head out from their little cave is just killing me. they look like squirrels or something.

7:45: Shambo - the guys are telling you to vote for Monica. Get it through that thick, beautifully-mulleted head of yours.

7:47: While I'll agree that Dread's situation appeared dire, was it really scarier than when Michael Skupin fell face first into a fire? That sh*t was scary.

7:48: FYI: With his beard, Eric no longer looks like Gil Bellows. This makes me just a little bit sad. I love my pop culture nicknames so. Perhaps he'll morph into Dave Matthews or Jack Johnson.

7:50: No Tribal Council?! Boo! I imagine this is what happens when two players are forced to leave the game due to injury; CBS needs its episodes. And though I would have thought it a bit weak to have seen three players leave the game in one episode, I always feel cheated when there's no vote.

7:52: Well, I guess we've seen who the new leader of Galu is: Eric, with a goddamn bullet. "Let's win one for Russ!!!"

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 5 Recap/Live Blog

7:01: Isn't the voting supposed to be secret? How come everyone knows who the loner is when one person is the only one to vote against the rest of the tribe? Why do they even bother with the supposedly closed ballot voting? Why not just do it as a formal, spoken part of Tribal Council? I know Jeff would love that...

7:07: Finally! The Eat Nasty Food Challenge! It feels like forever since we've had one of these; I'd given up hope that we'd ever see one again. By the way, when I get on Survivor and they have this challenge, I will lose. The only way I might not is if we've been there for 30-something days and I'm friggin' starving, and even then, if a spider made its way onto the menu, I'd be out of sight. Yes, I'm a pansy when it comes to bugs - sue me.

7:09: Is it just me, or does (Bad) Russell's head look freshly shaved? And that reminded me, whatever happened to the players' luxury items? I haven't heard a peep about a luxury item in years.

7:11: Adding a blender to the equation is way too kind. Takes away the mental aspect of having to look at a nasty ass bug - especially one that's alive.

7:17: Yeah...I have no words for this, aside from the random "Oh!! That's just wrong!" and "Gross!"

7:18: So, after drinking 3/4 of her Sea Slug Guts Slushie, Ashley quits? Nice job killing your tribe after all that.

7:20: Shambo bitches and moans after being sent to the other tribe post-challenge. Gimme a break - aren't you the same person talking about how much you love the other tribe and yada yada yada? (Wo)Man up and deal with the fate that you've been dealt.

7:23: "I'm so happy you're out here, my Bleach Blonde Friend."

"I'm so happy you're out here, too, Bleach Blonde Friend! Let's call each other BBFs!"

"Yeah! You're my favoritest BBF ever!"

I don't even know the one that's not Ashley's name, but I can't say that I care all that much.

7:25: (Good) Russell has quickly transformed himself into (God) Russell, which has turned even faster into (Assface) Russell. I'm ready for "the Chief" to hit "the road." Danger Dave might be patronizing to the big boss man, but he's warming up to me. Kevin Spacey FTW!

7:29: Dare I say it and not be labeled a flip-flopper? I do dare say it: (Bad) Russell's the best, Jerry, the best! That guy cracks me up more and more every week.

7:34: Who's Kelly? Are they adding new people each week? I feel like I'm being f*cked with here. I'm observant, damnit (though I am busy typing while I watch the show each week...).

7:35: Poor Brett. He obviously doesn't grow facial hair. That's gotta be just a tad emasculating.

7:36: Eric with the bank robber look - awesome. Dave with the Kevin Spacey look - equally awesome.

7:38: Ashley = useless. Be gone with you.

7:39: Well, with a Galu win, perhaps it will be Ashley after all. We know that (formerly Bad) Russell has it out for Elizabeth, but she just kicked so much ass at the challenge (with Ashley stinking up the joint at the second straight challenge) that there's no way that he could bring up her name without being looked at sideways. I'd be shocked if Ashley doesn't go home.

7:44: I could take rain all day and all night, but I do not like having pruney fingers and toes. That would creep me out after about an hour.

7:46: However, the rain has turned into the best friend that we the audience could wish for, as it has left the Foa Foa tribe incapable of scurrying off into several cliques and hush-hush secret meetings to determine who everyone is going to vote off. This is the best thing that could have happened; six people stuck inside a waterlogged shelter, unable to get away from each other. Excellente! Should make for a terrific Tribal Council.

7:50: Exchange I'd like to take part in:

Jeff: Who do you trust, Fletch?
Fletch: I trust Bob, but that's it. Everyone else here is a goddamn liar that I wouldn't trust with a dollar.

In other words, Jeff's "Who do you trust?" question is retarded. What are people supposed to say?

7:52: The vibe says Liz is gonna be out.

7:53: The vibe is...incorrect. Yay - Ashley is gone. And, judging by the votes we saw and Natalie's ashamed reaction shots, I'd say that every vote was for Ashley aside from her own.

7:57: Yep, she voted against her buddy. Some BBF Natalie turned out to be...

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And then...

Survivor: Samoa Episode 4 Recap/Live Blog

7:03: And just like that, Jaison knocks himself off my Favorite Player pedestal. "Coming here was the worst mistake I've made in my life." Really? Bette Midler is less of a drama queen. Sure, Ben might have been an ass, and your tribe is losing, but you're in freakin' Samoa, on a TV show, guaranteed to walk away with at least a few duckets. Toughen up, Sally.

7:09: A challenge with only partial tribes? I would be pissed if I missed a challenge.

7:10: You know how at your local grocery store or Home Depot how they're slowly putting more and more automatic "check yourself out" machines in? With the first (?) Jeff-less challenge, are we seeing the Automatic Check-Out Machine of Survivor? I wonder if Jeff still gets paid for today's challenge?

7:13: Dave, please please please get a buzz cut and shave to complete your transformation into Kevin Spacey. I demand it, actually. Every time I see you, I think of Se7en and American Beauty. I guess that's better than thinking about Pay it Forward or The Big Kahuna. Oh, and congratulations to Dave on winning the bocce ball game.

7:18: Eric, getting the most screen time he's seen this season, uses logic and smarts and pulls a Russell, finding the other hidden immunity idol. Good on you, Eric.

7:21: So, how long do you suppose until Galu turns idiotic and kills their chickens rather than keeping them for their eggs? I say two days until they've killed one. In fact, it might be less than that; I seem to recall seeing footage of Eric running all around and getting clotheslined by a tree in last week's "on the next episode..." teaser. Though perhaps they're just gonna lose a chicken.

7:24: Am I the only one bothered by Russell's weird missing hair patches on his neck? It looks like he had three fingertips worth of electrolysis and couldn't afford to finish the job. Weird.

7:25: My thinking about Russell's neck just caused me to miss whatever he was talking about with that random blonde girl.

7:26: As expected, not only did a chicken escape, but I heard whispers about "what if we eat just one?" Suckers.

7:28: "This tribe sucks," says Eric after the Great Shambo Chicken Debacle. Another nugget: after ShamWow claimed to produce an egg, he tells us "You didn't produce the egg! The chicken produced the egg!" Eric is officially my new favorite player.

7:29: Oh, and Dave - seriously, cut the hair. You look like a chimo murderer with it down.

7:31: Foreshadowing, anyone? Yasmin, the tribe is speaking. Your days are numbered, lazy ass.

7:32: Hoorah, two challenges in one episode! What a concept. And the return of Jeff! What a concept. People running across nets is always fun, too.

7:34: Oh, thank god the teams weren't forced to solve some puzzle with their little building blocks there. I was all set to go on an "anti-puzzle" rant. They have their place in the game, but I'm sick of them already.

7:36: Brett? I swear I've never even heard of that person, much less seen him. Unfathomable considering this is the fourth episode.

7:38: I have to admit, I've never been so enthralled seeing square blocks standing still. Foa Foa gets its first immunity challenge victory, literally on the strength of Jaison's shoulders.

7:45: Monica, congratulations on getting to speak. Now go home (?). Nah, I can't see how it can't be Yasmin. Great strategy by Yas..."I do nothing so that no one can hold anything against me when I screw it up" (paraphrased). Wow. And I thought I was a pessimist.

7:47: Are these people seriously afraid of angering Good Russell? Gimme a break; he's just one man, and he's a paper leader. Someone needs to be knocked down a peg or two.

7:50: I don't care if you're working your ass off at the challenges; if you ain't doing shit around camp, you're not my tribemate. I'd be voting for Yasmin here as well. Survivor ain't a vacation with challenges - it's a 40-day (if you're lucky) job, and you best do your share.

7:53: Uh oh...I sense an angry little (ok, big) Russell next week. No surprise that Yas was fired, er, voted off for being an idiot by wearing high heels in the f*cking jungle. Ok, it was for being a do-nothing around camp. Same difference.

7:58: Sweet! The "Eat Nasty Food" challenge returns next week after a godknowshowlong hiatus. Oh, and did you see that Russell even voting for Yasmin? What a hypocrite. Until next week...

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Survivor: Samoa Episode 3 Recap/Live Blog

7:02: "Ben is like a mental plague on our tribe" - Jaison. I couldn't have said it better. I can only hope that he gets his way and gets Ben voted off...that is, if they should happen to lose immunity.

7:04:" Yada yada yada, I'm better than everyone." - Bad Russell. Nothing to see here, folks.

7:07: Call me crazy, but I'm pretty sure I've seen a number of women start fires with a machete and a flint in the game of Survivor before. Ben's trying hard to cement his place in the tribe. Or maybe he's just trying to feed his massive ego. Either way...well, you know.

7:09: Water? Fire? Shelter? We need not these petty things. It's yoga time! And, right on cue, ShamWow echoes this sentiment exactly. I'm with the Mulleted One.

7:11: Russell. Ben. Ben. Russell. So...when do you suppose we'll get to know the other tribe? Episode 12? Later?

7:16: Good god...we're at Galu. Who are these people?

7:17: The gift of swimsuits? Not sure I've seen that before. I suppose the producers are getting tired of having to blur out nipples and butt cracks on contestants that decide to wear ill-fitting clothing at the start of the show.

7:19: Are you effing kidding me? A Battle Zone in the middle of the challenge? Having Jeffrey Tambor leave due to medical reasons wasn't enough last week? Why not give them weapons while you're at it? Can I stop asking questions?

7:20: So much for the swimsuits halting the need for blurring naughty bits...

7:21: Why is this a reward and immunity challenge...again? What happened to two challenges per episode? Weak.

7:24: Galu wins yet again. Well, I guess we'll get to know you better next week. Maybe.

7:26: Well, Jeffrey Tambor went home, but we have not one but two new celebrity comparisons, this time on the Galu side. If "Danger" Dave were to cut his hair and shave a bit, he'd make for a good Kevin Spacey brother; meanwhile, if Erik were to grow his hair out, he'd make a good Gil Bellows for Halloween.

7:31: How much would you have lost if I'd bet you early in the season that ShamWow would ever use the phrase "interpersonal relationships." I know it's not exactly a college-level phrase, but, you know, judging books by their covers and all that.

7:34: Good Russell on damage control for taking towels and pillows over functional tribe items. Success rate: approximately 50%.

7:36: I don't like the strategic play Jaison is making in an effort to oust Ben. He's claiming that he'll quit the game if Ben is not voted off, yet he of course has no intentional of going anywhere should Ben not actually get voted off. So, it's a big win if he gets Ben out, but it's a bigger loss should he be proven as someone who doesn't stick to his word. Too risky.

7:42: Watch out, Jaison! You can't ask Bad Russell a question he can't answer! He'll take that as a tiny dagger of hate directed towards him and direct all of his energies towards getting rid of you. You're playing with fire, amigo!!

7:45: Yeah, this whole "one challenge per episode" thing is awful. I think they're angling for more drama (and minutes) at Tribal Council, but the challenges make for a great break in between all of the banter. This needs to change and quickly.

7:47: Awesome. Now Jeff is just flat out asking people who they're going to vote for, and they are answering. Why bother voting?

7:49: Wow - I think that was the most poignant, least offensive thing Russell's ever said on this show (while talking about why Jaison hates Ben). Nice job, Russ.

7:50: It's the Civil War, reenacted tonight on CBS! Maybe I might just have to change my mind on the extended Tribal Council idea...

7:52: "Ben, is there anything you've said that you regret?," asks Jeff. Did any of you need to hear his answer to know what it would be? Anyone?

7:54: Odds time again. How much you wanna bet Jeff says something like "I can see that this a tribe with some serious issues that need to be worked out." Of course, no sooner do I type that than we see Ben voted out. Yes!!! Perhaps Jeff will say that the cancer has been removed already.

7:56: Nope. Something about "I can't help you." Don't worry, Jeff; they've already helped themselves plenty tonight. Nice win, Jaison. I couldn't be gladder that it worked out for you. I'll be curious to see how Russell responds to having his biggest ally taken out of the game. Trouble time for the Millionaire Oilman?

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Survivor: Samoa Episode 2 Live Blog

7:08: Yasmin is busy not making friends with the audience. "The hood is not the wood." Good line, but bitching about how hard the outdoors is...on your SECOND day...just makes me want you to be gone immediately. Have you not watched the show? Are you not aware that it takes place, in large part, in jungles?!?

7:09: Russell just called Jaison "calm and collective." For all intensive purposes and all of the sudden, I find Russell even dumber, irregardless of what he says next.

7:11: Son of a mother^$#&@ b*tch! Russell of all people just found a hidden immunity idol. Kill me now. Then again, he immediately told the next person he could find (Jaison). Please be wise, Jaison, and tell everyone else immediately.

7:15: Am I the only one hoping for a Shaving Challenge, so that we can see if personal chef Mike has a harelip like his twin brother Jeffrey Tambor? It's Oscar! (Arrested Development reference; again, if you haven't seen it, do it now.)

7:17: Yay! Another challenge where people hurt each other! Great idea, Survivor; there's nothing better than watching otherwise good contestants being forced home because they have a potentially fatal leg infection.

7:21: If we didn't have enough reasons to hate Ben from last week, he outright kicks Good Russell in the shin, getting booted from the challenge, setting a new low for the show (though firefighter Joel was the standard bearer of such nasty play some seasons ago).

7:23: Way to redeem yourself, jackass. Called on his idiocy by Jeff, all Ben can say is "Outlaw!," clearly proud of his dirty play. I think the only way I might like would be if there were 20 idiots of the Ben/Bad Russell variety, in which case it would be nice to see them beat up on each other. That not being the case, I have nothing but disdain for Ben.

7:25: Wait a sec...ok, we've had two weeks' worth of challenges, and I don't believe I've heard the words "exile island" yet. Can it be? Is it finally dead? This almost makes up for the crap we just saw in the challenge. Almost. We have already been spared the lame plings and starbursts and slow motion the producers employed during the challenges, and now Exile Island is gone? If only the dreaded "Walk of the Dead" could be excised, we'd have almost nothing to complain about.

7:28: In the least surprising news ever, someone got hurt at the brutal challenge. This time, it was Jeffrey Tambor, who just so happens to be the oldest player in the game.

7:30: And just like that, Mike is gone, thanks to super low blood pressure (and a physical challenge with strapping young men half his age - or more). Hard to know if this was just a freak thing or if his health condition would have come up later, but...wow, just crappy news all around, made worse by the fact that we've just had a combined reward/immunity challenge and a player is already gone. There's a half hour left in the show...

7:33: Wow...Yasmin's got some cajones. Stranger in a new camp, she comes in and outright lectures the other team, telling Assface Ben "I want to talk to you in private." Hateable as she is, I'd love to see her try this sh*t in real life.

7:37: I have to hand it to Survivor. They give us the MOST HATED CONTESTANT OF ALL TIME last week in Bad Russell. The audience is speechless; we have no speech. Our mouths are agape at his willingness - hell, his joy at disrupting his own camp. So what happens next? We get a racist, cheap-shot giving, filterless clown named Ben that comes along and improbably (unbelievably) makes Russell seem likable by comparison. I'm impressed.

7:43: It's unfathomable that Betsy has to campaign for her own ass, and that these fools are even contemplating keeping Ben around, all for the beloved challenges, none of which they've won (I don't believe). Since when are all of the challenges physical, anyway? These people are so short-sighted.

7:46: "Whatever I want...happens." - Bad Russell. Let's just bookmark that quote for the future, in the hopes that we can play it on repeat when the opposite...happens.

7:48: "There was one...minor incident [between Ben and Yasmin]." Understatement of the century.

7:49: Notwithstanding his potential "alliance" with Bad Russell, Jaison might be my new favorite player. He's far and away the most logical, analytical, level-headed, common sensical player in the game. So refreshing.

7:51: Well, at least Ben is delusional, thinking his chances of winning the game are the same as when it started. Jeff...obviously not a fan of old Ben's. Unfortunately, it ain't gonna matter; these idiots are gonna vote out Betsy.

7:54: This is just dumb. I'm far from being biased toward the older folks, but this show needs to just stop putting anyone over age 40 on it anymore unless something changes. Those people are put at such a significant disadvantage that it makes little sense to even admit them to the game. An older cast member is almost always the first or second person voted off, and usually it's solely due to their age and/or age combined with sex. I've had it; I know life ain't fair, but this is just retarded. How do the producers not see this?

In case you couldn't tell, Betsy was voted out in a landslide. Lame.

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And then...