Burning Questions: Mallrats

For the first time, we feature a guest post here for Burning Questions. Jason Soto of Invasion of the B Movies couldn't quite find the right place to post this on his site(s) (Mallrats not being a B movie and all), so he's donated it to the cause. It's not fashioned entirely in the usage I typically do (mine are typically in regards to logic errors), but you'll find that it burns a hole in your head all the same...

Alright, so everyone here seen Mallrats, right? The second Kevin Smith film? Takes place in a mall? Well in case you haven't I'll give you a quick rundown.

Two guys spend a day in a mall and wacky things happen. Done.

Ok, now for those of you (like me) who seen the movie countless times, let me recount the scene then get to my question.

So Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is producing a dating game show and it's gonna be filmed live in the mall. Why? Why not?! Anyway, Quint's ex-girlfriend is gonna be a contestant on the show, which is pretty much a rip-off of "The Dating Game". Quint wants to get back with his girlfriend so he comes up with a plan to fill in for the three suitors who are trying to win the date with the ex-girlfriend. Quint enlists the help of Jay to get the suitors so stoned they can't go on. The problem is he only got two of them stoned, leaving a third one (Gill Hicks) left. Since they didn't have time to dispatch the third guy, they go on with Gill. So here's the question:

What would've it been like if Jay did get Gill stoned, leaving a third spot open AND Jay had to go on stage with Quint and Brodie? That would've been fucking hilarious! Be like:

Brandi: "Suitor number three: describe our date"
Jay: "First, girl, we go back to my Mom's place, where I make her cook us some scrambled eggs, while that's happening, we smoke a big fat blunt! Then after the meal, we go back up to my room and BICKITY BAM!! We're fucking!! All sorts of styles, baby! Snootchies!!!"

Tell me that wouldn't be funny?
-Jason

And then...

Enough about movies… TV is where it’s at!!!

I tried. I really did. Fletch is one of my oldest and dearest friends, and when he started this little movie blog so many years ago, I really wanted to participate. I hoped to be a regular commenter and eventually start contributing with my own posts. You regulars may have seen me around as the occasional commenter, "Buffett35." Then it hit me. At the risk of alienating the entire built-in fan base of this blog, I really do believe that feature-length films are a dying medium. That’s not to say that they’ll ever stop making them, but a new movie hasn't really wowed me since 1999, when both Fight Club and The Matrix were released.

I’m not saying I hate every 21st century film, but they just never live up to the hype. Fletch and Mrs. Fletch accuse me of being eternally negative, especially since I have similar feelings about music from this century. I assure you, that is not the case. I truly WANT to like everything I commit my free time to, and I can’t help it if that doesn’t always happen. The unwritten rule that movies must be of higher quality than TV shows because they cost more is outdated. Now that pay channels are in the game, production values are way up, and good character development takes a lot more than 2 or 3 hours. So, without further ado, I present myself as an expert on TV, and the mortal enemy of everything the great and powerful Fletch believes in. OK, so we generally have the same taste, but it'll be much more fun if we're enemies, right? My name, now and forever, is Mayday, and this is Mayday's Musings. If you recognize the classic television reference, you might just be old enough to appreciate my taste.

Let’s start with some lists. Everyone loves lists. I’ve had cable since the mid-80’s, so the volume of material I have to pull from is enormous. For now, let’s just stick to shows that are still airing new episodes. I lean towards the more adult fare found on HBO, Showtime, FX, and AMC, but the big 4 networks still control the airwaves and occasionally put out entertaining shows. Here’s what I’m currently watching, in alphabetical order:

Breaking Bad
Community
Episodes
Hawaii Five-0
Lights Out
The Middle
Modern Family
The Office
Outsourced
Parenthood
Parks & Recreation
Shameless

You might have noticed Breaking Bad on that list, despite the fact that it’s between seasons, but I included it because I just started watching it a couple months ago when AMC began replaying every episode from the beginning. It’s fantastic, and I’m guessing I’ll be caught up just in time for the beginning of season 4. Then, there are several other shows, currently on hiatus, that I've seen every episode of, but I'm not sure if they'll all return:

Boardwalk Empire
Bored to Death
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Eastbound & Down
Entourage
Flight of the Conchords
Hung
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Justified
The League
Sons of Anarchy
Survivor
Terriers
Treme
The Walking Dead

That should give you a good idea of my taste. Of course, I watch a lot of news, food, home improvement, history, nature, and reality garbage too, and I may feel the need to comment on those from time to time, but it's for your own good. Oh yeah, and don't forget the several hundred shows from the past that I can draw on at any moment. The sheer volume of content is intimidating, I know, but please don't neglect my fearless leader's posts. Fletch's filmic knowledge is something to be worshipped. He's been asking me if I know who Elias Koteas is for at least 15 years. Let me know when he shows up on "Shameless" or "Boardwalk Empire." Book 'em Danno.

And then...

LOST Episode 1 Breakdown

A pretty solid season premiere last night, you can’t beat two hours of Lost after a 6 month hiatus, sure there were the usual solutions to their lame mysteries that made no sense, but we’ve grown to accept that over the years. So the big Season 6 Plot seems to be them doing two alternate timelines, one where Jack’s big plan to blow up the Swan worked, and one where it did not. They kicked us off with Jack on Flight 815, not crashing this time, just getting constantly annoyed by fellow passenger Rose (at least some things don’t change in alternate realities), and those disturbing old people PDA’s. Let’s just hope these alternate realities fizzle out quickly, do any of us care what would have happened to any of the people if the flight hadn’t crashed, I know I don’t, they’re mostly just regular folk, they even had to make a lame plot about Kate escaping from custody to try to make their lame alternate reality interesting.

Obviously Katie escaping from custody and outsmarting that cop for the 25th time is a little farfetched, but luckily it is not the only gaping plot hole in the absurd alternate reality. Right off the bat I suspected a dream or some lame flashforward fakeout from the producers since Jack’s hair was much longer than the buzz cut he initially sported on Flight 815. Then there was the fact that good old Desmondo was on the flight, even if the island had been blown up, and Dez’s around the world Sailing trip had been successful, why in the hell would he be flying from Austrailia to Los Angeles, the only logical explanation of course is that Desmondo’s powers carried over when the timelines split and he remembered the original timeline, and took Flight 815 so he could hang out with his old Island buddies.

Then they changed the Charlie timeline, originally when the plane crashed Chaz had just dropped his heroin in the toilet and was about to flush, so we’re now led to believe if the plane hadn’t crashed he would have picked the H out of the toilet and swallowed it? I’m not biting, plus if he was suicidal, there are a lot of better ways to do it than choking on a bag of H that is probably covered in that blue airplane toilet water. It was nice of Dominic Monaghan and Boone to come back for an episode for their lame alternate timeline, I was a little disappointed they couldn’t get Shannon, not like the actress has anything going on, and what was the explanation for where she was the whole flight while Boone and Locke chewed the fat. Also, humourous to think of Frogurt and Artz being pumped for the alternate timeline, so they could cash one more paycheck . Lastly, what was the deal with Christian Shepherd’s coffin going missing, didn’t Jackie find that coffin on the Island in Episode 2, so it had to be on the flight; there is a simple explanation for that one at least, that clerk Jack talked to clearly had a necrophiliac look to him, he was probably having some fun with Christian’s corpse in the back, and will return it to Jackie after a few days. That Christian is a dashing fella, we might also remember him as Bob Warner, one of the few lucky actors to pull off the double dip of the two best shows on tv, Lost and 24. Anyway obviously this alternate storyline is going to go on for a few more episodes and only continue to get lamer. If we wanted to see side by side alternate relaties we could watch that lame Gwyneth Paltrow movie or that episode of Scrubs where J.D. does/does not get caught checking out some girl’s rack.

Despite the classic Lostiness of throwing in a lame plot line, all the other storylines they have going on seem to be firing on all cylinders, the H-bomb team teleported through time to wherever Sun and her gang are at, another solid brawl between Jack and Sawyer and the “heart-breaking” goodbye between Sawyer and Juliet (I don’t care what Irwin’s readers think, Penny and Desmond, they aren’t). At least Miles got a chance to use his talking to the dead powers, as I requested. Also awesome to see the ghost of Jacob, turns out Hugo’s insanity really worked out for the good of the team, hopefully Jacob and Hurley form some kind of super team like Pat Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg. They did finally show us the temple and sure enough there was quite a team of Others hanging out there, leading us to the patented Lost contrived way to add new characters at the beginning of a season. Let’s delve into that quickly…

In Season 2 they had the tail section joining up with team (Ana Lucia, Libby, and Bernard, three misfires right there), some psycho Scotsman hanging out down the Hatch (Yes! Desmondo!), as well as a kidnapped ballooner they suspected of being an Other (Ben, another strong character). In Season three they introduced the Others (Juliet and Tom, not bad) and had two random wierdos pretending they were there the whole time (Nikki and Paolo, so hated the fans made the producers kill them off). In Season 4 Widmore’s team came to the island for some wacky hijinks (Farady, Miles, Charlotte, and Lapidus; Faraday and Miles added something to the table). In Season 5 they already had too many characters, but still felt the need to add a bunch of Dharma bit players through the time traveling angle (Rog Linus, Phil, Horus, Radzinsky), a couple old school Others (Alpert’s role was dialed up, a Young Hawking and Widmore also served to annoy) and some new plane crash survivors (Ilana is the only one left I think). Now in Season 6 it appears the Temple posse is the latest bunch of actors to join the cast, namely that John Lennon wannabe and samurai wannabe, possibly Cindy the annoying flight attendant also, after one episode I would say the chances of them panning out are pretty remote.

On the other side of the Island nothing really happened, Jacob’s old enemy revealed that he was the smoke monster, and that yes he really can’t pass through ash, then he yelled at Ben and kidnapped Alpert, some pretty uneventful happenings after the crescendo of killing Jacob, but it looks like they are setting up a faceoff against Jacob’s enemy and it looks like he’ll be staying in John Locke’s body or at least his smokey counterpart. Hopefully Team Jacob can rally and pull off the upset, a strong move by Jake preserving Sayid, that guy is kind of badass, definitely a good fella to have on your side in any upcoming war. So all in all a decent first episode, we’ll just have to wait and see where the rest of the season takes us…

And then...

LOST Season Preview Part 2

All right, back for Part 2, for Part I which covers the intro to the season and what is going on with the People off Island click here, now let’s get into the main plots and what is going on at the Island…

People on the Island – Current Time

Sun Kwon – As you may recall Sun went to the island to try to track down Jin, and instead found herself abandoned by her old Island buddies and left to fend for herself against Linus, some Jacob worshippers, and what she thought was John Locke in the current time, she’s been typically annoying, but thankfully relegated to a background player in the Mexican standoff between “Locke”, Linus and Alpert. Her goal for the final season is to reunite with Jin and her kid back in Japan. Our goal for her is no Sun-centric episodes this season.

Benjamin Linus – Old Linus really went off the deep end at the end of last season, his whole life all he’s ever wanted is to make Jacob happy, then he spazzes out and stabs the fella upon their first meeting. For a master manipulator like Linus, it has got to be embarrassing being played like a fiddle by Jacob’s enemy. Linus should continue to be a major player this season, and hopefully we’ll get some more backstory on him, those never fail to be interesting, I’m still wondering whatever happened to his girlfriend from back in the day, the producers have been threatening to introduce her for two seasons…

Ilana – Ilana as we know is the annoying bounty hunter that kidnapped Sayid and who couldn’t act; until she arrived on the island and we found out that she was some kind of Jacob groupie, but sadly still couldn’t act. She and her posse seem to have some insight into the island, they were the ones who figured out someone else had been using Jacob’s cabin (Enemy as Christian Shepherd), and they tried to warn Riccardus about the fake John Locke, but arrived too late, we’ll probably find out the back story behind this group and how Jacob recruited them, and how they came up with their little group question “What lies in the shadow of the Statue?” Frankly I think Desmond’s insider question was cooler, “What did one snowman say to the other?”

Jacob’s enemy – And here he is, this guy has been trying to kill Jacob since back in the Black Rock days, and as Jacob said to him in the finale, it looks like he finally found his loophole. The loophole was using Linus to kill him, evidently. From what we know of Jacob’s enemy, he does not age, can assume the appearance of dead people, gets trapped in circles of ashes, hates Jacob, and may or may not have some relationship with the smoke monster (or may be the smoke monster, I’m still a little confused on that one myself). Anyway as everyone figured out in the finale, he’s been posing as John Locke and playing Ben into killing Jacob, which apparently has been a plan in the works for quite a while, dating back to a time loop where he (as Locke) had Richard tell Locke to kill himself. He’s also posed as Christian Shepherd and Ben’s daughter, now that he finally achieved his goal of killing Jake, we will have to see where he goes from there, does he now assume leadership of the island, will he and Richard face off in duel of demigods? All we know now from the preview I saw, is it looks like he’s staying in Locke’s body for the time being, probably for the best since his original body back in the 1400s gave Walt a good run for worst actor.

Frank Lapidus – Lapidus hasn’t been up to much, mostly just getting knocked unconscious by everyone, he is getting recruited by team Jacob, so he will probably be a player in the faceoff against Jacob’s enemy if he tries to take over the island.

Richard Alpert – Alpert really burst into the limelight last season being a major player in both the past and present plots thanks to his immortality powers. He seems to have all the answers, so obviously he’s going to be around as the answers unfold. He was pals with Jacob, and it will be interesting to see if he has crossed paths with Jacob’s enemy over the numerous centuries they’ve all been chillaxing on the island. Also let’s not forget that he told Sun he saw the whole Jack-Sawyer team die, though he wasn’t at the Swan so some more past events could unfold, only time will tell. One of the few interesting theories put forth by the Lost nerds is that Richard Alpert, or R.A., is actually the Egyptian god Ra, since the Island seems to be focused on Egyptian mythology, this one is interesting, I could see Jacob, Alpert and enemy all being Egyptian gods playing chess with all the people on the Island over the centuries.

People on the Island – Past

Jack – Jack went through quite a transformation in Season 5, he went from unquestioned leader to a background player and Locke disciple, finally making his big power play in the finale by killing a bunch of Dharmas and detonating a hydrogen bomb on the Swan. Jack still got the lionshare of touches off the island, as the focus was on him and Kate and their doomed relationship, so doomed was it that it motivated him to blow up half the island. Where this detonation lands him is still up in the air going into tonight, but at least we know he won’t just teleport to LA and go back to doing surgeries, that wouldn’t make much of an interesting Final Season.

Kate – Kate was still spazzing and running around getting into trouble all season, even if Jack was content to kick it in the janitor’s closet, Kate still hopped on any chance to get in trouble, whether saving Little Ben’s life, fighting off Dharmas to bring Faraday to his mother, recruiting Sawyer and Juliet to fistfight Jack, and then after that fizzled out, switching sides to join into a gunfight to detonate a bomb. Kate is obviously poised to be a major factor in the final season, let’s just hope they don’t rehash the tired Sawyer/Kate/Jack love triangle angle for yet another season.

Sawyer – Sawyer took over Jack’s leader duties during the season, and also settled down and became domesticated with Juliet. Sadly this really took Sawyer away from what he does best which is being a jerk, making snarky comments, and occasionally coming through in clutch to everyone’s surprise. Sure a little character development is expected over five seasons, but turning Jack into Locke, and Sawyer into Jack is a little bit of a stretch. They tried to have Miles assume a poor man Sawyer role, but it didn’t really pan out. Hopefully Juliet’s untimely death will give Sawyer some edge and maybe he’ll go off vigilante style in this final season.

Hurley – As discussed they are developing all the characters, except Hurley, who still is just as lame as ever and just hangs out calling people dude and doing stuff that is supposed to be funny, the only mildly amusing thing he’s done is trying to write Empire Strikes Back before Lucas, couldn’t they have made him go completely psycho after getting out of the mad house, that would at least be interesting, running around telling everyone on the island he’s a millionaire from the future and acting zany. The character is pretty stale, sadly I don’t think the actor has the range to pull of anything but fat, annoying guy with awful hair. It’s a safe bet he’ll just be in the background doing his usual Hurley things this season and not adding to the plot.

Sayid – Is Sayid going to make it seems to be one of the “cliffhangers” of last season’s finale. Sayid went off the deep end a bit after his wife was killed (by Widmore?), and Ben had him take out a bunch of Widmorians. Once he got back to the past he went rogue, tried to kill the young Ben Linus, then apparently roamed through the jungle for a month or so killing people at random until he joined up with team Jack again. Who knows what Sayid will be up to after he somehow survives that gaping bullethole in his gut, probably a safe bet that he’ll add to his team high kill total though.

Jin – Jin finally got his own plotline last season, as he skipped through time getting into some hijinks with Rousseau and her wacky gang of Frenchmen, it was a decent plot and filled in some blanks about Danielle and some early history of the Island. And of course, Jin was the “cliffhanger” “death” of last season, why the producers always feel the need to do these lame fakeouts is beyond me, no one is ever fooled, was anyone surprised when they “brought Jin back to life”. Jin unlike the rest of the gang doesn’t get his kicks from gun fights and blowing stuff up, he’s just looking to get reunited with his wife and go home, maybe meet his daughter. Let’s just hope if he ever does get reunited with his lost love, they don’t put him on the shelf like they did with Des.

Miles – Miles was mostly relegated to Sawyer’s sidekick during the season, I don’t think he even used his talk to the dead powers once. Miles however was the one who figured out that maybe them setting off an H-bomb was the Incident that his father was always talking about in those videos. Hopefully Miles gets a chance to chat with some corpses and if he bumps into Ilana and her team again maybe he’s figured out the answer to that “What lies in the shadow of the Statue” question by now, those guys did try to recruit him remember.

Rose & Bernard – Painful, just painful, is it really necessary for these two to make an appearance in every season, Paolo and Nikki were more popular. The fact that they are supposed to be the voice of reason, and were acting like they were too cool for the gang was again painful. Let’s just hope these two don’t appear in the Final Season, their flashback episode was hands down the worst, most pointless episode in the history of the show.

Hopefully that brings everyone up to speed for the big premiere tonight, let's just hope this final Season can live up to the hype and wrap up all these loose ends they've left, with a a satisfactory conclusion, and some solid episodes to finish this baby up strong...

And then...

LOST Season Preview Part 1

Greetings all, new beat writer here at the Blog Cabins, I’ll be covering the final season of LOST in a weekly column. Some people may know me from my critically acclaimed “Sportsbook Hustle” weekly column over at THN. Well, with football winding down, and everyone’s favorite show LOST firing up, I told our old pal Irwin that I was toying with the idea of writing a weekly LOST blog. He quickly offered me a contract, then ordered me to write a season preview before the big premiere.

Hopefully there are still quite a few LOST fans floating around - I know I myself have turned on the show numerous times. They have put their fans through quite a bit over their five seasons, whether with timewasting episodes, retarded “mysteries”, or pointless plot twists. Apparently, the producers got mad at their nerdy fans hanging out on message boards all the time breaking down every retarded detail of every show, and exchanging moronic theories, so in retaliation they just inundated the show with retarded mystery after mystery that had no possible explanation to shut them up. Who knows if it worked, but it did give us some god awful episodes, probably hitting a low point with the episode about the mystery of Jack’s tattoos (actual solution to the mystery: Matt Fox has some tattoos, LOST retard solution: they have magic powers that make Asian people hate him).

But for all their awful episodes and plot lines that go nowhere, they always come through with some powerhouse episodes and they seem to be working toward some final resolution, even if during Season five they painted themselves into a corner and just said “F it, let’s get crazy and start doing some time travelling” (originally they had claimed that the show could happen in our world). Plus, we’ve all been around for 5 years, so we might as well see this baby through to the end. I’m still holding out hope the producers will give the fans another giant "F You" in the final episode and have the whole thing have taken place inside Hurley’s mind in the psycho ward. Anyway, I’m putting together a little teaser to catch everyone up on where we are going into the premiere, because lord knows I’d forgotten most of the intricacies of the plot before catching up last month on Hulu, plus even if you just watched the whole season yesterday you could still get confused. But that’s why I’m here. Here is where we left all of the characters…

People not on the Island
Desmondo – A pretty uneventful season for our favorite Scotsman, (and of course favorite character), he and Penny were off island, so didn’t get involved in a lot of the hijinks, he did get shot by Ben Linus and issue quite a beatdown, but we aren’t really sure what lies ahead for him, we do know he is the only one who is unaffected by time shifts and whatnot, so if there is some alternate reality or something Desmondo could be a major player with his memory of all past events. We can only hope Desmond is prominently featured this season, as he's been the focal character for like 3 of their best 5 episodes (with "the Constant" being a consensus #1).

Charles Widmore – We still aren’t sure what old Charlie has up his sleeve, he wants to take over the island somehow, and he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen, including sacrificing his son Faraday, antagonizing Ben Linus, threatening Desmond, and just being a general douche. But at least we did learn last season through those timetravels that even when he was young and an Other he still was still a massive douche.

Penny and Charlie Hume - These two have just been hanging with Desmond, while he was relegated to background player in Season 5, only question left here is whether Ben Linus is going to give another try to evening up the score with Chuck Widmore by taking out his daughter.

Eloise Hawking – We learned quite a bit about Eloise in the last season. She is Daniel’s mother, former leader of the Others, old flame of Charles Widmore, runner of the Lampost Dharma station, and of course as we already knew a notorious timetraveler and sage. But how is she so powerful? Upon my rewatch of Season 5, I figured it all out. After she iced her son, Dan Faraday, she gained possession of his journal, which had the secret of time travel, Desmond’s exploits, and numerous island and future events. Also it’s no coincidence that now that the written date of the journal has passed she claimed that “For once, I have no idea what is going to happen.” She should still be an important supporting character; she was willing to sacrifice her son’s life for some endgame that she and Widmore are building towards…

Walt – Walt is off the island, roaming around, annoying everyone with his creepiness, tough break for the producers here, they said they knew they were going to jump ahead a bunch of years, so Walt aging from 10 to 14 would fit into their plot, what they weren’t planning on was him going from cute little kid to creepy looking teenager who can’t act. The kid is terrible. Walt the character does still have some superpowers, allegedly, and he still thinks his pops is on the island, so I’m sure he’ll be popping up in the Final Season, probably in a scaled back role though, they don’t want his awful acting submarining the show.

Aaron – This 3-year old kid is a much better actor than Walt, plus with him just being a little kid, they can always switch him out for some other baby if he ages poorly, the main question with this guy is whether he will be reunited with his mother, and if being raised by Kate for 4 years did in fact turn him evil as that oracle predicted all the way back in Season 1.

Wormfood
John Locke – John Locke, as we all know by now, is deceased - apparently Jacob’s enemy has used his dead guy DNA copying power (much like he did with Christian Shepherd’s corpse) to wreak havoc on the island. It was a hell of a run for good old Locke. He did end up winning his little war of faith/science with Jack in the end, as now Jack has turned into a poor man’s Locke, (right down to blowing stuff up). It looks like his body will be sticking around for the final season, but no more John Locke.

Jacob – After all their building up to Jacob, they went ahead and killed the fella in his only episode. We found out that he’d been scouting all the people from Oceanic 815 for a long time, and has Richard Aplert’s anti-aging powers. He will probably pop up in a few flashbacks this season as they try to explain some of the mysteries they’ve built up, and they can always go to the fallback of “Uhhm Jacob is a god, so uhhh he used his God powers” to get themselves out of any corners they’ve painted themselves into. Also Jacob’s last words, “They’re coming,” is the big question going into the premiere - the main suspects are Jack and the gang somehow getting mystically transported 30 years into the future.

Daniel Faraday – Seems Farady had it all figured out, other than the concept that approaching the Others brandishing a gun and shooting people might not be the best way to get a sit-down with his mother. Whether his theory on constants and variables in time-traveling pan out remains to be seen, but it will be interesting finding out what happens post-hydrogen bomb explosion.

Juliet Burke – So they offed Juliet, having her blow up a hydrogen bomb with her dying efforts, and if you think they killed her off because the actress got a better gig on the show “V”, you would be correct. At least it is smart of the producers to give themselves some slack with the characters so they can kill off a character and adjust the plot accordingly. A couple unresolved Juliet plots may be wrapped up in a roundabout way, mainly the one about all pregnant women dying, and I’m sure she’ll do some cameos in flashbacks.

All right I'm running a little long, so I'll break this baby into two posts and be back tomorrow with Part 2 to update you on the characters we left on the island...

And then...

Guest Column: The Parts are Greater than the Sum

Editor's note: If there's one thing I love, it's a guest column. A different perspective for you, less work for me - it's a win-win. This time around, it's from frequent commenter Farmacy, who has a few words about movies on TV.

I promised Fletch a diatribe on how Drumline was the greatest movie ever made. As I started to write it, I realized it’s not the greatest movie ever made (shocking, I know) but instead one of the great “TV movies” of our time. Thinking about that made me wonder what makes a movie great on TV and what it means for the movie overall.

Going back to the beginning, my old favorite TV movie was Major League. Watching the whole thing on TV is impossible, but the final scene, when the short stop approaches Charlie Sheen and delivers possible the greatest line in television movie history... “Strike this mother bucket out”. The voice is nowhere near the same, and it’s just a great overdub. It’s been redone since, and I think the movie has lost something... maybe we all have.

So what makes a TV movie great? The most important factor is that the scene needs to stand by itself. The tension needs to be rebuilt, or not have carried over from past scenes. If you’ve never seen Major League before, the scene makes sense, and while some will argue Shawshank Redemption is a great TV movie, I’d disagree, it’s only good if you’ve seen it before. Fortunately most of us have, and thus we can enjoy watching our favorite scenes during commercial breaks of other shows (this has also died, due to the DVR).

So that brings us to Drumline. First, let me explain the way I watched this movie. When I woke up on Saturdays in college, hung over and on a couch, I’d start watching TV while waiting for the rest of the apartment to wake up. For whatever reason, Drumline was ALWAYS on. I’m not sure why, but it was. Thus I watched most scenes in the movie a half a dozen times (i’ve only seen the opening scene once or twice). It took me months to figure out why Nick Cannon shaved his head (he didn’t know the band rules) or why he got suspended from the team (he couldn’t read sheet music)... but that didn’t matter.

Each scene stood alone, and each character had enough stereotypical characterization for things to make sense. The drumline leader was obviously the hardass that Cannon would win over, Cannon was obvious the hero, the dancer chick was the love interest... It was always very easy to figure out. That said, every scene was still entertaining. The dialogue was good enough, the drumming was always a fun interlude. The “action” scenes made sense, because it was one drumline against another, so you knew you were rooting for Nick Cannon’s drumline (note: I have NO idea any of the characters names). You also couldn’t really tell who won or lost until the final drumline, which is an impressive scene even if you have no idea what is going on.

The point is not for you to watch Drumline, though it’s an entertaining movie. The point is, as you channel surf through your day, take some time to stop and watch movies you’ve never heard of or thought were going to be awful. They might not be worth 3 hours of your day, but they could be a great 10 minute diversion.

And then...

Guest Review: Little Man

Editor's note: If there's one thing I love, it's a guest column. A different perspective for you, less work for me - it's a win-win. Even better is when it's a dissenting opinion, and if it's my fake internet friend Chris (his stagnant site BostonSucksMyBlog can be found here; other comedy stylings can also be found here), it's all about dissenting opinions.

As you can tell by his blog name, Chris is all about tact; additionally, he has awful taste in movies and isn't afraid to tell you that you're lame as hell for liking Academy fare or the Red Sox or music or, well, anything he doesn't like. But he does like those wacky Wayans brothers, and what's so wrong about that? Here, he graces us with his review of their special effects opus from just a few years ago, Little Man - enjoy. And, if you'd like to send in a review or even become a part-/full-time contributor to Blog Cabins, email me!


If you see one movie made in 2006 about a midget going undercover as a baby to steal a diamond from a woman’s purse out of her house, make it Little Man. The Wayans Brothers are at it again. And as usual, hilarity ensues.

Little Man was the Wayans follow-up to their smash hit White Chicks. Originally it was going to be a sequel to White Chicks, with both Shawn and Marlon playing babies in The Hamptons, undercover. Instead, they turned the fellas loose in NYC (I think) in a good ole fashioned diamond caper. Marlon Wayans and Tracy Morgan play bumbling jewel thieves who stash a stolen diamond in a woman’s purse as they evade the pigs.

Marlon plays a 3-foot tall thug, and acts like a baby dropped at the door of said woman, who lives with her boyfriend Shawn Wayans. Of course the loving couple take in the adorable tike. Once he is in the house as the “adopted” child, the movie takes off and never looks back.

Some of my favorite scenes: When Marlon tries to suck on Brittany Daniels’ tit (YES!); Shawn takes a bath with Marlon – haha; Shawn’s girl noticing the stab scars on Marlon; pretty much any other scene with Brittany Daniels – oh hell yeah. Oh man, what a flick!

Minute for minute, Little Man stacks up as one of the all time comedy great movies. It’s not quite on the level of White Chicks, in my opinion, but still a tremendous comedy. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry from laughing so hard, and you’ll laugh some more. If you like funny movies, you’ll love Little Man. If you don’t like this movie, I don’t want to know you. Just stay away. Thanks.

Final Grade: A-

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

On Tuesday, guest poster Gaylord dropped by with a delivery: a special version of Favored Five on SNL Movie Stars. He was even kind enough to give an Unfavored Five as well; that post can be seen here. Today, I give you his Favoreds.

For some of Gay's previous work, check out this post.

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Gaylord's Favored Five SNL Movie Stars

5. Bill Murray – Murray is a polarizing character - most people love or hate him and his movies. For me, he sneaks into the Top 5 because of Groundhog Day (and of course the fact 99% of SNL alums suck doesn’t hurt either). I love Groundhog Day; Murray killed that movie, and if you can carry a great flick you’re a decent actor and you’ve got my respect. On top of that, Murray has been relevant since he's left SNL - he had the Ghostbusters series (everyone can agree those were enjoyable flicks), he stayed relevant with a decent villain play in Kingpin, then he acted in nerd sensations Rushmore, and Lost in Translation. Scarlett Johannson’s side boob even got him an Oscar nom in Lost in Translation; after that he voice-acted Garfield…but c’mon, in SNL Alum bad career decisions that’s not even Top 50.

4. Chevy Chase – Ummm...apparently Fletch isn’t just a great web site administrator, it was also the title of a good movie. Yes, Chevy was funny when he said he was 6’9" with the afro and stuff, haha. All right, obviously, sucking up doesn’t suit me - admittedly, the Fletch movies are before my time - I'll give them props 'cause old people seem to like them, but the Vacation movies are timeless. It'll be Christmas Day 2020 and we and all our kids will be laughing with Ralphie Parker and Clark Griswald…that’s a certainty. One of the good things about Chevy is that he hasn’t buried everything he worked for under a desperate desire to stay relevant (see Murphy, Eddie) - even his last stab at fame (Vegas Vacation) was pretty good.

3. Adam Sandler – Sandler really isn’t that great of an actor, and really was always a beneficiary of his likability while the audience was laughing AT him (he wrote himself roles in Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even The Waterboy). Like most lovable actors (see Carrey, Jim), he wasn’t satisfied making his fans happy and tried to be a real actor with disastrous results (Punch Drunk Love, Spanglish, Reign Over Me). After getting laughed out of the drama milieu, Sandler returned to comedy but with a massive ego, where his characters were only Sandler-esque jerks (his character in Chuck and Larry was a ladies’ man who routinely had orgies with Playboy Playmates and ended up “settling” for Jessica Biel, and apparently Zohan is the greatest fighter who’s ever lived?). Nevertheless, Sandler movies always make money, partially because he is coasting on reputation and partially because he is a pretty funny guy (Happy Gilmore will never get old…).

2. Will Ferrell – Ferrell is just really, really good. He has that comedic timing that can’t be taught, and on top of that he’s proven himself a funny guy by writing some of the scripts that have made him famous (Anchorman, Talladega Nights) and no doubt ad-libbing many of his hilarious lines that have made him great. He really hasn’t had a stumble other than playing the same character (happens) and working too often with the “frat pack.” It was kind of funny for a minute when they showed up in each other’s movies (notably when Ferrell was in Wedding Crashers), but how far do you have to go to repay Stiller for the third lead in Zoolander (great flick by the way).

1. Chris Farley – When you leave SNL as the best cast member ever, and you actually live up to the lofty expectations (though admittedly for too short a time), you get the top spot. The guy was the best physical comedian that ever was, and we can all agree Tommy Boy is a masterpiece. Even in Black Sheep and Beverly Hills Ninja, Farley kills me. We all wish the guy hadn’t gone out at the height of his talent, but unfortunately Farley couldn’t give us decades of hilarious comedies. Let us not judge, for we know not what it is like to be fat, insanely talented, and hopelessly wealthy. Perhaps if I was 200 pounds heavier, I’d feel the unquenching desire to party and do enough heroin to split all 4 of Big Brown’s hooves…

Honorable mentions:
Dan Aykroyd - In nearly 30 years on the golden screen, the only true embarrassment was Blues Brothers 2000...Some might claim My Stepmother is an Alien as a misstep, but for the chance to get down with a 1987 Kim Basinger, I’d probably make a flop or two, too.

Mike Myers - He wrote Austin Powers and Wayne’s World...Obviously a funny a guy...Tragically, his idea of being funny lately is putting on a lot of makeup, and his idea of following up a good script is accepting a large bag of cash and recycling the previous script with more makeup and more bodysuits…

Not eligible (appeared in less than 5 SNLs): Ben Stiller, Damon Wayans


Thanks again to Gaylord for his double-duty guest action. If you'd like to contribute a guest post to Blog Cabins, just email me your thoughts on a topic and we'll go from there.

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's (Un)Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

It's been a long time since I did an installment of Fletch's Favored Five; lucky for me, I have guest posters like Gaylord to help out every now and then. As a bonus, he even gives us an Unfavored Five, 'cause we all know it's fun to hate on some loser SNL cast members every now and then. We'll start with those today, and finish up with the Favoreds later in the week.

Speaking of things we haven't seen in a long time, it's been awhile since the 'Lord stopped by (over a year!), so you might want to re-acquaint yourself with him and his lyrical stylings.

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All right, a while back your esteemed leader Fletch and I got into an argument about whether SNL alumnus had promising movie careers. I maintained that they all suck, and he claimed that most go on to promising careers, and he even went as far as to guarantee Jimmy Fallon will win an Oscar in the next 5 years. Anyway, I thought it would make a good column, so I’m unveiling Gaylord’s Unfavored Five SNL Movie Stars:

5. David Spade – One of the most promising careers coming out of SNL, and rightly so, he opted to ride his buddy Farley’s coattails, and honestly if any of us were in his situation in the shadow of that talent, we’d also take the easy payday/laughs. And who could have predicted Farley’s tragic demise…except anyone who knew anything about drugs or human limits… (to be fair, Spade, like everyone who knew him, tried to intervene before Farley walked over the ledge). Regardless, without coattails to ride, Spade dabbled in film (Joe Dirt, Dickie Roberts, Benchwarmers) even trying to write himself roles, but eventually settled for mindless TV paydays (Just Shoot Me, Rules of Engagement).

4. Eddie Murphy – Our elder film geeks can feign shock with Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, and 48 Hours; I simply counter with Vampire in Brooklyn, Holy Man, Pluto Nash, Dr Doolittle, and then I ask if you want me to continue. No one in all of Hollywood, or even among his fellow SNL black sheep, has buried their legacy harder and faster than Murphy. This is supposedly the guy who made SNL a weekly staple, yet everyone born after ’80 will remember him as the all-time leader in big-budget flops. Is it really that hard to pick out a good script????

3. Chris Rock – Never a main player on the SNL stage, but still a promising background player who no one expected big things from until he raised the bar by becoming one of the best standup comics. Of course the crossover to film was inevitable, though as opposed to Murphy it was his complete lack of acting talent that did him in. He tried to cash in when he was hot and even had marginal success with Lethal Weapon 4, but apparently there’s a difference between acting and doing standup in front of a camera. He does have some impressive accomplishments in his dalliance with feature films, though just like some of his coworkers he can't blame it on other people’s bad scripts...he wrote Down to Earth. He also managed to destroy the career of film legend/Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins, starring alongside him in box-office poison Bad Company. To be fair to Rock though, at least he realized his error and stopped embarrassing himself onscreen unlike Murphy, and was content to settle for standup comedy and behind-the-scenes success with such projects as his sitcom Everyone Hates Chris, which thankfully doesn’t have him trying to act…

2. Jimmy Fallon – I had high hopes for Fallon coming out of SNL. He had carried the show for the last couple of years, he was a likable star, and by all aspects a good comedic actor when he wasn't laughing in the middle of a skit (not a problem for movies; plus we all forget his cracking up was actually good when it was happening). Regardless, in real life apparently it's two strikes and you’re out, as Fallon debuted with Taxi and Fever Pitch. YIKES!!! One never had a shot (due to bad acting and awful plot), and the other was sabotaged by circumstance, as what was supposed to be a lovable loser tale was sabotaged by the Red Sox winning the Series while the flick was in post-production and Red Sox fans turning into insufferable douchebags, forcing the Farrelly Bros to restructure their whole film. I can’t blame his agent for trying to parlay what is legitimately the best fake on-screen Boston accent I’ve ever heard, but I can blame the agent for accepting an offer starring alongside Queen Latifah fighting against Giselle and some other supermodels in a game of high-speed espionage where only Fallon’s character’s wit and insight can save the day. Again, YIKES!

1. Dana Carvey - Master of Disguise. Really - nothing else needs to be said. One can try to counter with Wayne’s World, but he was practically a prop Myers carried along due to the good old SNL days (Myers himself gets a pass because he wrote Wayne’s World and Austin Powers). Anyway, he wrote and starred in Master of Disguise and IMDb has him in NOTHING since then (2002); you know he’s forwarding his resume and writing scripts and I bet he’s even begged Spade for a guest spot on Rules of Engagement and I’d imagine he keeps writing drafts for Wayne’s World 3, begging Myers to give him one more payday. I almost feel bad for the guy…
[Editor's note: Carvey's back with an HBO special. The advertisements, as seen in this week's Entertainment Weekly, show Dana looking just as androgynous as his name would imply. Creepy...]

Honorable Mentions:
Tim Meadows – Talented actor, took a stab with Ladies Man, went down in flames, would have been a great supporting comedic actor if he'd left at the right time and found the right coattails to ride.
[Editor's Note: Meadows was excellent in Walk Hard, living up to the potential Gaylord speaks of.]

Chris Kattan – This guy was billed above Will Ferrell in Roxbury Nights, never really a great actor, film career submarined with Corky Romano, one wonders why he didn’t just feed off Ferrell’s scraps after that, must be a dick in real life if Ferrel won’t toss him a role.

Kevin Nealon – My own personal favorite character actor, I expected big things from Nealon, unlike some others he didn’t embarrass himself in the limelight, but I’m disappointed he never got his shot, not a leading man by any means but I think he proved he’d be a spectacular supporting actor, still pops up in all the SNL movies…his lackluster career still disappoints me, his mother, and Heather Locklear.

Thanks, Gaylord. As I said, Part II (the Favored Five) will run later this week.

And then...

Run for the hills

We conclude guest column week with The Hater Nation's NFL Adam, a leading "sponsor" of Blog Cabins and one hell of a knowledgeable guy, whether it comes to sports or film or even Liberace. Today, he will take you back in time (1981, to be exact) to a simpler time, when Loni Anderson was considered a megababe and young Fletch was just a precocious first-grader (or so). Time to hop into the way-back machine....


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A little indulgence here - take a look at the opening minutes of one of the greatest movies in the history of cinema and take a look at the names of the cast as they appear on the screen.



Burt Reynolds (money)… Roger Moore (money)… Farrah Fawcett (money)… Dom DeLuise (money)… Dean Martin (do you even have to ask?)… Sammy Davis Jr. (money)… Jack Elam (money) (and the rest listed in alphabetical order), Adrienne Barbeau (money), Terry Bradshaw (money), Jackie Chan (money), Bert Convy (money), Jamie Farr (money), Peter Fonda (money), and so on.

Now, ask yourself, has there ever been a greater cast ever assembled in the history of cinema? Honestly. The only other possible names that could have made this even bigger would have been Nipsey Russell and McLean Stevenson. (And truthfully, they probably tried to get them.) And most people think of this as nothing more than your average popcorn flick. A mindless collection of entertainers doing nothing more than entertaining, with more emphasis on mugging for the camera than of actually acting. Hell, Frank Sinatra signed on for Cannonball Run II because Dean and Sammy raved about how much fun they had on the first one, according to the director’s commentary.

And yes, there is a director’s commentary for this movie.

But is that it? No. Not by a long shot. The Cannonball Run is one of the most important films of our (or possibly any) generation.

America really missed out on the true meaning of the film. While often dismissed as mindless crap on par with other Burt Reynolds/Hal Needham vehicles, The Cannonball is really an indictment of the American medical industry.

It’s true. Consider:

Farr plays a Muslim doctor whose sister implores him not to join the infidel Americans in that stupid race. But not just an automobile race, rather a race for superiority in the American medical industry.

The entire picture is pleading for America to move into a socialistic form of medicine. The ambulance, driven across the country in search of a monetary reward, is a metaphor of the American medical industry’s pursuit of material gains, instead of healing. Not looking for cures, we have rouge doctors, posing as humanitarians, driving around the country with money as their lone priority. Reynolds and DeLuise kidnap an innocent woman (Fawcett), convince her that she is sick, pumping her full of drugs she does not need. This illustrates the current state of the pharmaceutical companies whose main agenda is pushing more drugs down the throats of hapless Americans. The doctors then leave the true helpless victim, George Furth (an environmentalist, no less), to die on the streets. Furth’s only crime is trying to uncover the great conspiracy of modern medicine. He plays the hapless folly in the picture, showing just how futile resistance really is.

Elam plays an incompetent doctor who displays only rare moments of lucidity, often only surfacing when directly confronted by the police. The bumbling cops represent the American government that is powerless to stop him. During the waning moments of the film, Elam remains incapacitated because of drugs.

The most moving theme of the picture is when Martin and Davis, dressed as priests, sabotage the ambulance. This signifies the church’s original role in the Red Cross, whose true purpose was to help the sick and not chase money. Martin and Davis’ defiance is punished by a right-wing police officer doing the bidding of the American medical community.

While Cannonball has the best cast in the history of cinema and is a pure entertainment delight, it might also be one of the most important films of our generation. Something that should be studied for generations and given the recognition that it deserves.

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I didn't want to tell Adam this, but I've never seen The Cannonball Run from start to finish. It's safe to say that this is due to my rampant dislike of Burt Reynolds (I'd hardly call Dom DeLuise or Jamie Farr "money," either, but that's neither here nor there), but after reading this, I'm more than willing to give Jack Horner a chance. Considering that I'm the guy that can quote Fletch Lives, I'm hardly one to judge.

And then...

(Mrs.) Fletch's Favored Five: Movies that Open Well

Guest column week continues today with the lovely, beautiful and talented Mrs. Fletch picking up some of my slack (she's good at that). I can't remember if she suggested it or I did, but her task was to write a "Fletch's Favored Five," a feature I have yet to establish all that much around here, but hopefully this post will help to that end. Let's see what she's come up with...

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Upon receiving the assignment of guest blogger, I was a bit overwhelmed… I’m not a writer, nor nearly the movie geek that Fletch is. Then I remembered, write about what you know. So the topic of today’s rant is about good…no…make that great design in opening movie credits. These are the (mostly) unsung graphic heroes who create the coolest movie credits, but are lucky to have their name listed in them, really tiny, at the end.

Mrs. Fletch’s Great 5 Movie Opening Credits

5. Casino Royale
by Pauline Hume

Fractal geometric patterns of flowing playing cards, lyrics sung by Chris Cornell is a nice bonus too.

4.5. Fight Club
by Custom Film Effects

These folks also did the fantastic effects for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

4.25. One Hour Photo
by Imaginary Forces

A beautifully delicate treatment of flash bulbs and film — stark and antiseptic, just like the movie

(no link available)

4. Se7en
by Kyle Cooper

A scratchy, twisted glimpse into the mind of a serial killer.

3. Around the World in 80 Days
by Saul Bass

Simplicity at it’s best. Considered a master title designer, Saul Bass is one of few truly famous designers in this genre.

http://www.notcoming.com/saulbass/caps_around80days.php

2. Thank You for Smoking
by Shadow Play Studio

The credits are set up like old-style cigarette packs, complete with the little tax stamps. Very cool. Great music too.

http://shadowplaystudio.com/smoking.html

1. Catch Me if You Can
by Olivier Kuntzel and Florence Deygas

Nexus Productions must have cloned a modern-day Saul Bass.

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I guess I shouldn't be shocked that a graphic designer chose to honor other designers. Excellent choices all around, if you ask me - my only gripe is how far down Fight Club slipped, but that's just because that film is one of my favorites. The only film I've not seen on this list is Around the World in 80 Days, but I am familiar with Bass's work (it's awesome) - his movie posters are legendary, and check out some of the big-time logos he's responsible for ("I did not know that!" - Dana Carvey as Johnny Carson).

Thank you, my dear - great stuff. If you want to check out Mrs. Fletch's graphic work, just go here.

And then...

Wisdom from the 'Lord

It's time for a visit from a friend of the Blog Cabins - namely Gaylord. In case you aren't already familiar with Gay, I got to know him over at SOTSG, a home for sports and pop culture geeks, though obviously, he would never be labeled a geek. A hit with the ladies and always a winner in Vegas (especially when it comes to the NFL), Gaylord is the tops, and he'll be sure you know that, too. Take it away, Gay...

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Fletch suggested I break down my evil twin James Franco’s movies, but as far as I can tell from his IMDb page, the only two movies he made that don’t suck are Spiderman 3, and Spiderman 2, don’t even bother watching any of the others, that guy needs a new agent (I’m available), you’d think after the momentum he had coming off Spidey 2, he could get some sweet roles, and he did feebly try to make a bid as a leading Hollywood man, unfortunately it turned out with these trainwrecks… Tristan and Isolde, Annapolis, and Flyboys… ouch! I tell you if I’d won out that role in Spiderman, I’d already be a household name, but then again I’d never be dumb enough to accept a role starring alongside Tyrese...

-Last week, Disturbia won the box office three weeks in a row?!?! That’s pretty tough to do in this day and age, and granted it faced some pretty weak competition, but still this movie looks lame. As far as I can tell (I saw a preview), the whole movie is ripped off from the Simpsons’ episode when Bart has a broken leg and starts spying on Flanders, then thinks he’s a murderer, only they substituted a suspense ending instead of a comedy ending so no one would get suspicious. If they were going to rip off a Simpsons’ episode and turn it into a movie they should have gone with the Hank Scorpio episode and changed it to an action movie to fool people, now that I would spend $10 on. Also when did that lame kid from Lizzie McGuire become an A-lister?? I heard he landed a role as Indiana Jones’ son in Indy 4, he has the #1 movie, he hosted SNL, and he’s hideously ugly and untalented. And even with chumps like him and Franco starring in movies Hollywood still won’t return my calls, no wonder the box office goes down every year…

-With the disappointing season 6 of 24 winding down, I know everyone wants my take on the buzz behind a 24 movie. I’m happy to oblige, and since I know tons of movie insiders frequent Fletch’s site, hopefully they will take my advice. Firstly they should do the movie as the conclusion to the 24 series (as this season has evidenced, they’re clearly out of ideas and the show has run its course), I’d even have Jack Bauer die at the end. Secondly my girl Elisha Cuthbert needs to be involved. (She must have the same agent as Franco because she also had a ton of momentum and was scorching hot at her peak, and tried to become a Hollywood leading actress, only to accept awful roles alongside awful actors and actresses (Paris Hilton?!?! That ugly dude from The Girl Next Door?? Who’s going to believe he could land Cuthbert?!?!) She completely submarined her career. Anyway she needs to be involved, she’s available. They’ve said they’re going to break the whole day into the movie, good choice I agree, but the movie has to be at least 2.5 hours long, and I want the same action sequences and real time stuff, just instead of 5 minutes jump-aheads on commercials, have a bunch of longer jump-aheads, maybe Jack goes to take a nap at a break in the action, then they cut to ticking clock and just jump ahead 4 hours, problem solved.

All right here’s my idea for the plot of movie: Have it start out with Jack going to Kim’s (Elisha Cuthbert) wedding and their reconciliation, Jack’s relaxed, it’s going to be a nice slow day for a change. The role of Kim’s husband will have to be played by someone strikingly good looking and likable, we don’t want a repeat of the Chase fiasco from Season 3, I’m going to cast myself, the sexual chemistry between me and Cuthbert would be palpable. Anyway the wedding goes off nicely, but meanwhile they’re getting some buzz back at CTU about a possible terrorist attack (Oh no!!! Also I’ll need Bill Buchanan and Chloe involved at CTU, no Ricky Shroeder or any of the rest of this season’s unlikeable cast). After seeing off his daughter and her new husband onto a plane flight for their honeymoon Jack doubles back to CTU, but once he gets there he gets a call from some terrorists saying that Kim’s new husband was working with them and now they have her and since he’s stopped the last 8 terrorist attacks they need him out of the equation, so turn himself over or Kim bites it. Then we can just replay over the old Season 1 plot from there, with just enough twists and changes so the audience is none the wiser, and Jack killing everyone and saving the world throughout the movie and maybe detonating some C-4 suicide bomb at the end (like he almost did this season) to eliminate the threat once and for all and put a fitting end to his life and pursuit of justice.

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Impressive ramblings, Gay. Good stuff. Let's all hope we hear more from you in the future in this spot - after all, football season's right around the corner...

And then...