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May 7, 2007

Wisdom from the 'Lord

It's time for a visit from a friend of the Blog Cabins - namely Gaylord. In case you aren't already familiar with Gay, I got to know him over at SOTSG, a home for sports and pop culture geeks, though obviously, he would never be labeled a geek. A hit with the ladies and always a winner in Vegas (especially when it comes to the NFL), Gaylord is the tops, and he'll be sure you know that, too. Take it away, Gay...

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Fletch suggested I break down my evil twin James Franco’s movies, but as far as I can tell from his IMDb page, the only two movies he made that don’t suck are Spiderman 3, and Spiderman 2, don’t even bother watching any of the others, that guy needs a new agent (I’m available), you’d think after the momentum he had coming off Spidey 2, he could get some sweet roles, and he did feebly try to make a bid as a leading Hollywood man, unfortunately it turned out with these trainwrecks… Tristan and Isolde, Annapolis, and Flyboys… ouch! I tell you if I’d won out that role in Spiderman, I’d already be a household name, but then again I’d never be dumb enough to accept a role starring alongside Tyrese...

-Last week, Disturbia won the box office three weeks in a row?!?! That’s pretty tough to do in this day and age, and granted it faced some pretty weak competition, but still this movie looks lame. As far as I can tell (I saw a preview), the whole movie is ripped off from the Simpsons’ episode when Bart has a broken leg and starts spying on Flanders, then thinks he’s a murderer, only they substituted a suspense ending instead of a comedy ending so no one would get suspicious. If they were going to rip off a Simpsons’ episode and turn it into a movie they should have gone with the Hank Scorpio episode and changed it to an action movie to fool people, now that I would spend $10 on. Also when did that lame kid from Lizzie McGuire become an A-lister?? I heard he landed a role as Indiana Jones’ son in Indy 4, he has the #1 movie, he hosted SNL, and he’s hideously ugly and untalented. And even with chumps like him and Franco starring in movies Hollywood still won’t return my calls, no wonder the box office goes down every year…

-With the disappointing season 6 of 24 winding down, I know everyone wants my take on the buzz behind a 24 movie. I’m happy to oblige, and since I know tons of movie insiders frequent Fletch’s site, hopefully they will take my advice. Firstly they should do the movie as the conclusion to the 24 series (as this season has evidenced, they’re clearly out of ideas and the show has run its course), I’d even have Jack Bauer die at the end. Secondly my girl Elisha Cuthbert needs to be involved. (She must have the same agent as Franco because she also had a ton of momentum and was scorching hot at her peak, and tried to become a Hollywood leading actress, only to accept awful roles alongside awful actors and actresses (Paris Hilton?!?! That ugly dude from The Girl Next Door?? Who’s going to believe he could land Cuthbert?!?!) She completely submarined her career. Anyway she needs to be involved, she’s available. They’ve said they’re going to break the whole day into the movie, good choice I agree, but the movie has to be at least 2.5 hours long, and I want the same action sequences and real time stuff, just instead of 5 minutes jump-aheads on commercials, have a bunch of longer jump-aheads, maybe Jack goes to take a nap at a break in the action, then they cut to ticking clock and just jump ahead 4 hours, problem solved.

All right here’s my idea for the plot of movie: Have it start out with Jack going to Kim’s (Elisha Cuthbert) wedding and their reconciliation, Jack’s relaxed, it’s going to be a nice slow day for a change. The role of Kim’s husband will have to be played by someone strikingly good looking and likable, we don’t want a repeat of the Chase fiasco from Season 3, I’m going to cast myself, the sexual chemistry between me and Cuthbert would be palpable. Anyway the wedding goes off nicely, but meanwhile they’re getting some buzz back at CTU about a possible terrorist attack (Oh no!!! Also I’ll need Bill Buchanan and Chloe involved at CTU, no Ricky Shroeder or any of the rest of this season’s unlikeable cast). After seeing off his daughter and her new husband onto a plane flight for their honeymoon Jack doubles back to CTU, but once he gets there he gets a call from some terrorists saying that Kim’s new husband was working with them and now they have her and since he’s stopped the last 8 terrorist attacks they need him out of the equation, so turn himself over or Kim bites it. Then we can just replay over the old Season 1 plot from there, with just enough twists and changes so the audience is none the wiser, and Jack killing everyone and saving the world throughout the movie and maybe detonating some C-4 suicide bomb at the end (like he almost did this season) to eliminate the threat once and for all and put a fitting end to his life and pursuit of justice.

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Impressive ramblings, Gay. Good stuff. Let's all hope we hear more from you in the future in this spot - after all, football season's right around the corner...


7 people have chosen wisely: on "Wisdom from the 'Lord"

a female said...

Regrading: "A hit with the ladies and always a winner in Vegas"


I want photos!

thruthiness said...

does winning on NFL mean bailing on your betting column when your picks suck then showing up a few months later like that didn't happen?

DirtDawg said...

Best. Article. Ever!!

Frank the Tank said...

Well done. Solid breakdown. As for photos I had a picture of Gaylord and me in Vegas and I didn't save it properly to the phone's memory card (probably because of the 8-10 beers I had consumed). I can verify that, with the exception of the 48-year-old dealer who desperately wanted my body, Gaylord was universally sought after by the ladies.

Fletch said...

DirtDawg said...

Best. Article. Ever!!


I'm not positive, but I think I take offense to this. ;)

NFL Adam said...

Gaylord is a striking fellow. He puts a faded star like yours truly to shame. But this was a good article. Now I've gone all and gotten inspired to do my own guest column that has been promised before the filmed the original Ocean's 11 movie.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're kidding about it being a Simpsons episode rip off. Rear Window