CAGEFEST: The Nic Cage Film Festival - The Rock

CAGEFEST thinks San Francisco is a great, great town. For previous entries, click here.

Mixing it up one more time before the Cagefest finale. Frequent contributor Gaylord is back to give us his love for Cage and, specifically, The Rock. I've decided to tackle the CON position here, but since I don't have a ton of hate for The Rock, and since it's my site and like Cartman I do what I want, I'm eschewing the typical CON format. Instead, I'll rip into Gay's post, since he's so skilled and well-versed at ripping into others. And trust me, it's ripe for the ripping. Below is Gaylord's post, with my thoughts interspersed in bold.

PRO & CON
The year was 1996 and Nic Cage was fresh off an Oscar, and riding high, hell Irwin M. Fletcher hadn’t even started his irrational hatred of this young promising actor. [This is true. Mr. Coppola had yet to fall from grace and sell out his career for paycheck after paycheck.] Cage had already reached the summit of acting; next, he set his sights on blockbusters, and after he was done the movie landscape would never be the same.

I’m talking about a little movie called The Rock, the first big blockbuster since Top Gun, a respectable $140 mm, and the movie that made action summer blockbusters trendy again. [Terminator 2, Jurassic Park, Batman - what do these have in common? Apparently, Gaylord has never heard of them or the 700 other movies that grossed more than The Rock between '86 and '96.] As Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, it was up to Cage to carry the movie, and of course he did, winning us over immediately as a Beatle maniac, chemical superfreak FBI agent, who goes home and bangs the prom queen every night. Obviously, everyone who’s not a moron [Let's just not tell everyone about the myriad typos, run-on sentences and comma splices in your post before I edited it.] knows the plot of the movie, it’s one of the 5 best action movies of all time, so I won’t rehash it for the .1% of Irwin’s fanbase that only watch gay indie films [Hey man - all of my fanbase watches gay indie films. All three of them. Get it straight.].

Connery and Harris, as an Oscar winner and Oscar nominated actor, respectively, play capable supporting roles to the powerhouse performance by the patron saint of the Blog Cabins. Cage and Connery are an electric team back before action movies got too corny, sure Cage made a joke about Elton John’s "Rocket Man" before shooting a rocket into an evil Marine, but he didn’t even have a “witty” line when he force-fed the last bad guy a VX ball or stabbed himself in the heart (“How’s this for breakfast” and “This’ll be like the time I got dumped in high school” might be what Brett Ratner would go with…). The movie overall was tight, with some early action scenes (terrorist gas package and a little car chase) [Note: Gaylord likes terrorists.], mixed in with some well done character development before the big faceoff, which did not disappoint with Connery and Cage delivering with crackling chemistry, great storyline, and of course, great acting.

Cage’s Dr. Stanley Goodspeed was really responsible for carrying the movie and advancing it from scene to scene, as the focal point of every scene, it was on Cage to make sure that his phenomenal script [Believe it or not, the three guys responsible for the "phenomenal" script were not nominated for any awards. Shocking, indeed.] lived up to its promise. Luckily, Nic made it happen, his actor VORP (for all the baseball nerds out there [I'm a baseball nerd - that stands for Value Over Replacement Player.]) was probably the highest of his career. Replace Cage with some non-Oscar winning, not as good looking, run of the mill, average actor like 1996 Oscar nominee Travolta [Or 1995 for '94's Pulp Fiction.] , and the movie tanks miserably. Maybe his legacy has been buried a little [Yeah...maybe. Heh heh.] by train wrecks like Next and The Weather Man, and of course jealous vindictive bloggers, but in his prime there was no one better than Cage [Except everyone. But seriously, NO ONE better? Sure, the guy was good, but where should I start?].

Remember that - he could always pull off any role, and always came across as likeable, plus there is a respectability that comes with winning an Oscar (well unless you're Cuba Gooding, Jr. - Snow Dogs, Boat Trip… seriously?? [Or Mira Sorvino. Or Whoopi Goldberg. Or Halle Berry. Or, well, Nic Cage.]). Cage won his Oscar, then he cashed in a bit [Note: Cage has approximately 10 flicks in the works...right now.] by headlining a spectacular stretch of action movies. Seriously, over a four-year stretch he knocked out The Rock, Con Air, Face/Off, and Gone in 60 Seconds; those blockbusters match up to pretty much the top four action flicks of anyone else’s entire career [If Gay is going for comedy, he's certainly hit the right chord here. Listing off those four flicks reminds me of the bad Michael Keaton flick Multiplicity - you know, the one where he keeps making copies of himself, but like a piece of paper that you keep copying the copies of, they keep degrading. Are you seriously citing Gone in 60 Seconds as a good flick?]. For example, here's the top four from two of the best of our generation…Cruise: Top Gun, Days of Thunder, Mission Impossible 2, Minority Report, and Schwarzenegger: Termintaor, T2, Predator, Total Recall. [Interesting that Gay chose Mission: Impossible 2, the worst of that franchise by far; no surprise that it was made by the same hack that made Face/Off - Mr. John Woo. And Ahnuld's foursome easily dominates either Cage's or Cruise's, by the way.]

Cage is one of the best, and The Rock was him at the pinnacle of his powers, great actor, great cast, great script, great, great flick. As Connery says in the movie with that classy English accent [I thought it was Scottish? No?], “Welcome to the Rock,” you and Nic can welcome me anytime Sean, I’ll catch you guys whenever you’re on TNT and of course on my DVD whenever I want to see one of the greatest action flicks of all time. [Kill me now.]

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

On Tuesday, guest poster Gaylord dropped by with a delivery: a special version of Favored Five on SNL Movie Stars. He was even kind enough to give an Unfavored Five as well; that post can be seen here. Today, I give you his Favoreds.

For some of Gay's previous work, check out this post.

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Gaylord's Favored Five SNL Movie Stars

5. Bill Murray – Murray is a polarizing character - most people love or hate him and his movies. For me, he sneaks into the Top 5 because of Groundhog Day (and of course the fact 99% of SNL alums suck doesn’t hurt either). I love Groundhog Day; Murray killed that movie, and if you can carry a great flick you’re a decent actor and you’ve got my respect. On top of that, Murray has been relevant since he's left SNL - he had the Ghostbusters series (everyone can agree those were enjoyable flicks), he stayed relevant with a decent villain play in Kingpin, then he acted in nerd sensations Rushmore, and Lost in Translation. Scarlett Johannson’s side boob even got him an Oscar nom in Lost in Translation; after that he voice-acted Garfield…but c’mon, in SNL Alum bad career decisions that’s not even Top 50.

4. Chevy Chase – Ummm...apparently Fletch isn’t just a great web site administrator, it was also the title of a good movie. Yes, Chevy was funny when he said he was 6’9" with the afro and stuff, haha. All right, obviously, sucking up doesn’t suit me - admittedly, the Fletch movies are before my time - I'll give them props 'cause old people seem to like them, but the Vacation movies are timeless. It'll be Christmas Day 2020 and we and all our kids will be laughing with Ralphie Parker and Clark Griswald…that’s a certainty. One of the good things about Chevy is that he hasn’t buried everything he worked for under a desperate desire to stay relevant (see Murphy, Eddie) - even his last stab at fame (Vegas Vacation) was pretty good.

3. Adam Sandler – Sandler really isn’t that great of an actor, and really was always a beneficiary of his likability while the audience was laughing AT him (he wrote himself roles in Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even The Waterboy). Like most lovable actors (see Carrey, Jim), he wasn’t satisfied making his fans happy and tried to be a real actor with disastrous results (Punch Drunk Love, Spanglish, Reign Over Me). After getting laughed out of the drama milieu, Sandler returned to comedy but with a massive ego, where his characters were only Sandler-esque jerks (his character in Chuck and Larry was a ladies’ man who routinely had orgies with Playboy Playmates and ended up “settling” for Jessica Biel, and apparently Zohan is the greatest fighter who’s ever lived?). Nevertheless, Sandler movies always make money, partially because he is coasting on reputation and partially because he is a pretty funny guy (Happy Gilmore will never get old…).

2. Will Ferrell – Ferrell is just really, really good. He has that comedic timing that can’t be taught, and on top of that he’s proven himself a funny guy by writing some of the scripts that have made him famous (Anchorman, Talladega Nights) and no doubt ad-libbing many of his hilarious lines that have made him great. He really hasn’t had a stumble other than playing the same character (happens) and working too often with the “frat pack.” It was kind of funny for a minute when they showed up in each other’s movies (notably when Ferrell was in Wedding Crashers), but how far do you have to go to repay Stiller for the third lead in Zoolander (great flick by the way).

1. Chris Farley – When you leave SNL as the best cast member ever, and you actually live up to the lofty expectations (though admittedly for too short a time), you get the top spot. The guy was the best physical comedian that ever was, and we can all agree Tommy Boy is a masterpiece. Even in Black Sheep and Beverly Hills Ninja, Farley kills me. We all wish the guy hadn’t gone out at the height of his talent, but unfortunately Farley couldn’t give us decades of hilarious comedies. Let us not judge, for we know not what it is like to be fat, insanely talented, and hopelessly wealthy. Perhaps if I was 200 pounds heavier, I’d feel the unquenching desire to party and do enough heroin to split all 4 of Big Brown’s hooves…

Honorable mentions:
Dan Aykroyd - In nearly 30 years on the golden screen, the only true embarrassment was Blues Brothers 2000...Some might claim My Stepmother is an Alien as a misstep, but for the chance to get down with a 1987 Kim Basinger, I’d probably make a flop or two, too.

Mike Myers - He wrote Austin Powers and Wayne’s World...Obviously a funny a guy...Tragically, his idea of being funny lately is putting on a lot of makeup, and his idea of following up a good script is accepting a large bag of cash and recycling the previous script with more makeup and more bodysuits…

Not eligible (appeared in less than 5 SNLs): Ben Stiller, Damon Wayans


Thanks again to Gaylord for his double-duty guest action. If you'd like to contribute a guest post to Blog Cabins, just email me your thoughts on a topic and we'll go from there.

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's (Un)Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

It's been a long time since I did an installment of Fletch's Favored Five; lucky for me, I have guest posters like Gaylord to help out every now and then. As a bonus, he even gives us an Unfavored Five, 'cause we all know it's fun to hate on some loser SNL cast members every now and then. We'll start with those today, and finish up with the Favoreds later in the week.

Speaking of things we haven't seen in a long time, it's been awhile since the 'Lord stopped by (over a year!), so you might want to re-acquaint yourself with him and his lyrical stylings.

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All right, a while back your esteemed leader Fletch and I got into an argument about whether SNL alumnus had promising movie careers. I maintained that they all suck, and he claimed that most go on to promising careers, and he even went as far as to guarantee Jimmy Fallon will win an Oscar in the next 5 years. Anyway, I thought it would make a good column, so I’m unveiling Gaylord’s Unfavored Five SNL Movie Stars:

5. David Spade – One of the most promising careers coming out of SNL, and rightly so, he opted to ride his buddy Farley’s coattails, and honestly if any of us were in his situation in the shadow of that talent, we’d also take the easy payday/laughs. And who could have predicted Farley’s tragic demise…except anyone who knew anything about drugs or human limits… (to be fair, Spade, like everyone who knew him, tried to intervene before Farley walked over the ledge). Regardless, without coattails to ride, Spade dabbled in film (Joe Dirt, Dickie Roberts, Benchwarmers) even trying to write himself roles, but eventually settled for mindless TV paydays (Just Shoot Me, Rules of Engagement).

4. Eddie Murphy – Our elder film geeks can feign shock with Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, and 48 Hours; I simply counter with Vampire in Brooklyn, Holy Man, Pluto Nash, Dr Doolittle, and then I ask if you want me to continue. No one in all of Hollywood, or even among his fellow SNL black sheep, has buried their legacy harder and faster than Murphy. This is supposedly the guy who made SNL a weekly staple, yet everyone born after ’80 will remember him as the all-time leader in big-budget flops. Is it really that hard to pick out a good script????

3. Chris Rock – Never a main player on the SNL stage, but still a promising background player who no one expected big things from until he raised the bar by becoming one of the best standup comics. Of course the crossover to film was inevitable, though as opposed to Murphy it was his complete lack of acting talent that did him in. He tried to cash in when he was hot and even had marginal success with Lethal Weapon 4, but apparently there’s a difference between acting and doing standup in front of a camera. He does have some impressive accomplishments in his dalliance with feature films, though just like some of his coworkers he can't blame it on other people’s bad scripts...he wrote Down to Earth. He also managed to destroy the career of film legend/Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins, starring alongside him in box-office poison Bad Company. To be fair to Rock though, at least he realized his error and stopped embarrassing himself onscreen unlike Murphy, and was content to settle for standup comedy and behind-the-scenes success with such projects as his sitcom Everyone Hates Chris, which thankfully doesn’t have him trying to act…

2. Jimmy Fallon – I had high hopes for Fallon coming out of SNL. He had carried the show for the last couple of years, he was a likable star, and by all aspects a good comedic actor when he wasn't laughing in the middle of a skit (not a problem for movies; plus we all forget his cracking up was actually good when it was happening). Regardless, in real life apparently it's two strikes and you’re out, as Fallon debuted with Taxi and Fever Pitch. YIKES!!! One never had a shot (due to bad acting and awful plot), and the other was sabotaged by circumstance, as what was supposed to be a lovable loser tale was sabotaged by the Red Sox winning the Series while the flick was in post-production and Red Sox fans turning into insufferable douchebags, forcing the Farrelly Bros to restructure their whole film. I can’t blame his agent for trying to parlay what is legitimately the best fake on-screen Boston accent I’ve ever heard, but I can blame the agent for accepting an offer starring alongside Queen Latifah fighting against Giselle and some other supermodels in a game of high-speed espionage where only Fallon’s character’s wit and insight can save the day. Again, YIKES!

1. Dana Carvey - Master of Disguise. Really - nothing else needs to be said. One can try to counter with Wayne’s World, but he was practically a prop Myers carried along due to the good old SNL days (Myers himself gets a pass because he wrote Wayne’s World and Austin Powers). Anyway, he wrote and starred in Master of Disguise and IMDb has him in NOTHING since then (2002); you know he’s forwarding his resume and writing scripts and I bet he’s even begged Spade for a guest spot on Rules of Engagement and I’d imagine he keeps writing drafts for Wayne’s World 3, begging Myers to give him one more payday. I almost feel bad for the guy…
[Editor's note: Carvey's back with an HBO special. The advertisements, as seen in this week's Entertainment Weekly, show Dana looking just as androgynous as his name would imply. Creepy...]

Honorable Mentions:
Tim Meadows – Talented actor, took a stab with Ladies Man, went down in flames, would have been a great supporting comedic actor if he'd left at the right time and found the right coattails to ride.
[Editor's Note: Meadows was excellent in Walk Hard, living up to the potential Gaylord speaks of.]

Chris Kattan – This guy was billed above Will Ferrell in Roxbury Nights, never really a great actor, film career submarined with Corky Romano, one wonders why he didn’t just feed off Ferrell’s scraps after that, must be a dick in real life if Ferrel won’t toss him a role.

Kevin Nealon – My own personal favorite character actor, I expected big things from Nealon, unlike some others he didn’t embarrass himself in the limelight, but I’m disappointed he never got his shot, not a leading man by any means but I think he proved he’d be a spectacular supporting actor, still pops up in all the SNL movies…his lackluster career still disappoints me, his mother, and Heather Locklear.

Thanks, Gaylord. As I said, Part II (the Favored Five) will run later this week.

And then...

Wisdom from the 'Lord

It's time for a visit from a friend of the Blog Cabins - namely Gaylord. In case you aren't already familiar with Gay, I got to know him over at SOTSG, a home for sports and pop culture geeks, though obviously, he would never be labeled a geek. A hit with the ladies and always a winner in Vegas (especially when it comes to the NFL), Gaylord is the tops, and he'll be sure you know that, too. Take it away, Gay...

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Fletch suggested I break down my evil twin James Franco’s movies, but as far as I can tell from his IMDb page, the only two movies he made that don’t suck are Spiderman 3, and Spiderman 2, don’t even bother watching any of the others, that guy needs a new agent (I’m available), you’d think after the momentum he had coming off Spidey 2, he could get some sweet roles, and he did feebly try to make a bid as a leading Hollywood man, unfortunately it turned out with these trainwrecks… Tristan and Isolde, Annapolis, and Flyboys… ouch! I tell you if I’d won out that role in Spiderman, I’d already be a household name, but then again I’d never be dumb enough to accept a role starring alongside Tyrese...

-Last week, Disturbia won the box office three weeks in a row?!?! That’s pretty tough to do in this day and age, and granted it faced some pretty weak competition, but still this movie looks lame. As far as I can tell (I saw a preview), the whole movie is ripped off from the Simpsons’ episode when Bart has a broken leg and starts spying on Flanders, then thinks he’s a murderer, only they substituted a suspense ending instead of a comedy ending so no one would get suspicious. If they were going to rip off a Simpsons’ episode and turn it into a movie they should have gone with the Hank Scorpio episode and changed it to an action movie to fool people, now that I would spend $10 on. Also when did that lame kid from Lizzie McGuire become an A-lister?? I heard he landed a role as Indiana Jones’ son in Indy 4, he has the #1 movie, he hosted SNL, and he’s hideously ugly and untalented. And even with chumps like him and Franco starring in movies Hollywood still won’t return my calls, no wonder the box office goes down every year…

-With the disappointing season 6 of 24 winding down, I know everyone wants my take on the buzz behind a 24 movie. I’m happy to oblige, and since I know tons of movie insiders frequent Fletch’s site, hopefully they will take my advice. Firstly they should do the movie as the conclusion to the 24 series (as this season has evidenced, they’re clearly out of ideas and the show has run its course), I’d even have Jack Bauer die at the end. Secondly my girl Elisha Cuthbert needs to be involved. (She must have the same agent as Franco because she also had a ton of momentum and was scorching hot at her peak, and tried to become a Hollywood leading actress, only to accept awful roles alongside awful actors and actresses (Paris Hilton?!?! That ugly dude from The Girl Next Door?? Who’s going to believe he could land Cuthbert?!?!) She completely submarined her career. Anyway she needs to be involved, she’s available. They’ve said they’re going to break the whole day into the movie, good choice I agree, but the movie has to be at least 2.5 hours long, and I want the same action sequences and real time stuff, just instead of 5 minutes jump-aheads on commercials, have a bunch of longer jump-aheads, maybe Jack goes to take a nap at a break in the action, then they cut to ticking clock and just jump ahead 4 hours, problem solved.

All right here’s my idea for the plot of movie: Have it start out with Jack going to Kim’s (Elisha Cuthbert) wedding and their reconciliation, Jack’s relaxed, it’s going to be a nice slow day for a change. The role of Kim’s husband will have to be played by someone strikingly good looking and likable, we don’t want a repeat of the Chase fiasco from Season 3, I’m going to cast myself, the sexual chemistry between me and Cuthbert would be palpable. Anyway the wedding goes off nicely, but meanwhile they’re getting some buzz back at CTU about a possible terrorist attack (Oh no!!! Also I’ll need Bill Buchanan and Chloe involved at CTU, no Ricky Shroeder or any of the rest of this season’s unlikeable cast). After seeing off his daughter and her new husband onto a plane flight for their honeymoon Jack doubles back to CTU, but once he gets there he gets a call from some terrorists saying that Kim’s new husband was working with them and now they have her and since he’s stopped the last 8 terrorist attacks they need him out of the equation, so turn himself over or Kim bites it. Then we can just replay over the old Season 1 plot from there, with just enough twists and changes so the audience is none the wiser, and Jack killing everyone and saving the world throughout the movie and maybe detonating some C-4 suicide bomb at the end (like he almost did this season) to eliminate the threat once and for all and put a fitting end to his life and pursuit of justice.

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Impressive ramblings, Gay. Good stuff. Let's all hope we hear more from you in the future in this spot - after all, football season's right around the corner...

And then...