Recycling Rocks: Movies I'm Really Not Looking Forward To - Full House: The Movie

[Editor's note: I really wasn't planning on running a Recycling Rocks feature today. But then this item from the NY Daily News came across my radar and, well, I just can't pass up the chance to remind you all about MY suggestions for the Full House movie. This piece originally ran on September 7, 2007, just more proof that I'm nearly two years ahead of the rest of the world.

For the record, I like his suggestion for Uncle Joey, as there's no rule that says that they all gotta be a bunch of white guys. But his pick for Uncle Jesse? Well, let's just say that Jesse was never that cool. Dream on, Stamos.]


Consider this the first in what could be a never-ending series. I imagine that the trend will be to spotlight other TV shows that will inevitably be made into crappy movies (Just the Ten of Us, anyone?), but for now, let's just settle in on this one.

In the spirit of movies no one ever wanted to see like The Beverly Hillbillies, Leave it to Beaver, and George of the Jungle, I can't help but think of the inevitability that the studio execs of tomorrow, no doubt at a loss for original material, will be more than happy to dig into the dregs of 80s and 90s television for ideas. First on the list? Full House. One of the pioneers of ABC's "TGIF" block of family-oriented programming (along with Perfect Strangers, Just the Ten of Us, and Mr. Belvedere), House will probably end up being best known as the vehicle that launched the "careers" of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but it was actually a pretty big success on its own, on the air from 1987-1995, furthering the career of John Stamos and giving Bob Saget a segue into his later hosting and stand-up careers. Dave Coulier, meanwhile, just ended up being the guy getting blasted by Alanis Morrissette in her 1995 hit "You Oughta Know." Oh well, they can't all be winners.

So...if you were a casting agent and were asked to put together the ensemble for a Full House flick to be released in the near future, who would you pick?

Keep in mind the relative profile of the project. Brad Pitt as Uncle Jesse? Jessica Alba as Aunt Becky? Not a chance in hell. Also, while physical resemblances to the original characters may be nice, they are by no means a necessity or a prerequisite.

Okay, enough foreplay. I present to you the cast of Full House: The Movie.

Danny Tanner
Danny is a loving, caring, father of three daughters. He also hosts a morning talk show ("Wake Up, San Francisco") with Rebecca Donaldson (aka the future Aunt Becky). He's also boring, vanilla, lame and somewhat annoying. But he's nice.
The Realistic Pick: David Schwimmer
The Alternate: Luke Wilson
The Dream: Steve Carell



Uncle Joey
Not really an "Uncle," Mr. Gladstone is Danny's best friend from way back, a wannabe stand-up comedian and big-time hockey fan. He later goes on to form some sort of jingle producing company with Uncle Jesse, which leads to much wacky zaniness and jingles. Joey's sorta pudgy, really friendly, does a mean badger (squirrel? moose?) impression and lives in the basement. Not coincidentally, he doesn't date much.
Realistic Pick: Rainn Wilson
Alternate: Dane Cook
2nd Alternate: John Krasinski



Uncle Jesse
Danny's wife was killed by a drunken driver prior to the shows airing. It's the setup for the show, the reason why three doofi are raising three little girls. Danny's wife's little brother is Jesse Katssdfksdjfsdpolis, a Greek, Elvis-loving, mullet-wearing rock 'n' roller who likes to crack wise and is generally seen as the "cool one" in the house (somehow...despite the mullet. Oh well, I guess that will just have to be changed for the film).
Realistic Pick: Adrien Grenier
Alternate: Freddie Prinze, Jr.
2nd Alternate: Matt LeBlanc


Aunt Becky
Pretty much the lone adult female on the show, Aunt Becky has her hands full. De-facto Aunt to Danny's kids, she's also his co-host. Then she dates and later marries Jesse, and they have twins. It's a wonder she didn't go on a murder spree - living with three adult men and 5 children in the same house (not to mention a dog)? Ugh.
Realistic Pick: Tiffani Amber-Theissen
Dream: Jessica Biel


DJ
Looking big picture, I don't think the casting of the kids is nearly as important as the adults. Throw a few adorable moppets into the roles that can act halfway decent and you'll be just fine. Hey, it worked for The Brady Bunch Movie - they had six unknowns and relied on the brilliance of Gary Cole (and the fine job by a normally-hated-by-Fletch Shelley Long) to carry the flick. Anyway, it's hard to replace Candace Cameron, but we'll have to try. DJ started out as a somewhat pudgy annoyance to her younger sister, Stephanie, but turned into a responsible young adult who helped raise her younger sisters and cousins. Good for her.
Realistic Pick: Miley Cyrus
Alternate/Dream: Dakota Fanning


Stephanie
Full of annoying catchphrases (that, thankfully, I can't recall right now), adorable little Stephanie Tanner couldn't help but get into trouble. She also fought constantly with her big sis, with whom she had to share a room.
Realistic Pick: Elle Fanning
Alternate/Wild Card: Bindi Irwin


Michelle
As my (make believe) movie would be set somewhere around the second or third year of the show's existence, little Michelle would still pretty much be a toddler. As such, I have no recommendation other than to find a pair of twins (naturally) that somewhat resemble the Olsens. As long as they're remotely cute (and most 3-year olds are, right?), it won't matter.

Kimmy Gibler
Thought I'd forgotten about her, didn't you? How could I forget the character that created the mold later filled by Jenna Von Oy as "Six" on Blossom. In other words, the annoying teen aged neighbor/friend. Maybe she didn't create it - either way, she turned it into an art form. Unfortunately, I've pretty much run the gamut of my child actor knowledge with the picks for DJ and Stephanie, so I have no idea who to cast here. If you have some ideas, be sure to leave a comment. Yeah, I'm disappointed, too.


Finally, a bonus for you. While "researching" this post, I was lucky enough to have been pitched a narrative for the movie by an internets friend of mine. Consider yourself blessed to hear it as well - its' that good (maybe). I've added to a bit as well. I can't wait for the movie!!

"Comet (the dog) runs away and somehow ends up on TV in New York. The Tanner clan heads across America to get him. Along the way, they bond as a family and grow as people. As it turns out, Comet was picked up by some young actress (who has a weakness for hockey-loving bad stand-ups) hitchhiking across America. Comet probably ran off in the first place after Stephanie got mad and yelled at him. Losing him will teach her a valuable lesson. While in New York, they run into Quincy Jones and Al Roker, who are playing badminton at the park where the clan finally finds Comet. Through a series of clever wise cracks by Michelle, Stephanie, and to a lesser extent, DJ, along with some smooth talking by Danny and Jesse, Quincy hooks up Jesse and the Rippers (his band) with that big audition the band has been waiting for. This could be their big break! Meanwhile, Al likes Danny's style and gets him and Becky an audition with Good Morning, America! In the end, they'll realize that their true home is in San Francisco, and when they arrive back at the house, Jesse will have already quit the Rippers to be a stay at home dad for his soon-to-arrive twins. As a bonus, in a move that makes everyone happy, while in NY, Kimmy runs into a big shot lawyer (named Mr. Bacon), falls in love, and stays out east (he helps her with her emancipation paperwork to boot). Everyone wins."

The End

By the way, thanks to all who contributed to this post by offering up their suggestions for the various characters. It was fun. Also, if you have any suggestions for future TV shows for this segment, be sure to email or comment. Some that are running around in my head are: Perfect Strangers, Golden Girls, and Night Court)

And then...

Recycling Rocks: A very special episode of Fletch's Favored Five

No Survivor. A sure-to-be late TGITDNMAR. Too much time spent at the hospital leading to a (relatively) neglected Blog Cabins. All this adds up to a little Recycling action. So, once again, here's one of my "greatest hits" from the time before you started reading this blog. Enjoy.

---------------------------------------------

Warning: the post you are about to read is in poor taste at best, and possibly offensive at worst. Proceed with caution - and lighten up!

"Stupid is as stupid does." - Forrest Gump

"I like the way you talk, too." - Karl Childers

"Sometimes they're bald because their head is shiny and they don't have hair on it. So their head is just more of their face." - Sam Dawson

Listed above are some of the most famous quotes that the film world has ever seen (okay, maybe not the third one so much - that's from I Am Sam). Their common thread? The words were all uttered by characters that are, well, let's just say they're "special" in one way or another. A conversation the other day got me thinking - who are my favorite mentally challenged characters? I feel compelled to share with you...

Honorable Mentions

Sam Dawson, Sam I Am
Only the man that brought Jeff Spicoli to the national consciousness could have played Sam. Wait a sec, what am I saying? I never saw this, and neither did anyone else. But it sure as hell looks funny.

Steve Barker, The Ringer
Johnny Knoxville, the original Jackass, as a guy scamming his way into the Special Olympics? Brilliant. He and a host of other "non-special" actors (including a recognizable face from Galazy Quest and Supertroopers) do their best to appear as naturally "special" as they can, with varying degrees on success. So wrong, but pretty good at times.

Radio, Radio
Further proof that Cuba Gooding, Jr. - he of eternal promise following Jerry Maguire - will take any job in a feature film that he can possibly get. Snow Dogs? Sure. Norbit? Whatever. Playing Eddie Murphy in the gawdawful-looking sequel to Daddy Day Care (as if anyone cared about the first)? Sure!

And now...the Corky Awards:

5. "Brian," The Score
Okay, so technically, Ed Norton wasn't playing a "special" character for the duration of The Score. His "Brian" was just a role within his character's role needed to infiltrate a storage house as part of a con. But the few blessed minutes that "Brian" is onscreen are enough to make you wish he was there the whole time, especially for his scenes with Brando.






4. Karl Childers (Sling Blade)
If ever you don't think Billy Bob Thornton is a great actor, just watch this, Bad Santa, and Tombstone back-to-back-to-back. Despite never changing his looks all that much, the man is a fantastic chameleon, and this, his star-making performance, is funny, touching and scary all at once.


3. Carla Tate/Daniel McMann, The Other Sister
Truth be told, I've not seen this entire film, but I've seen enough to know that a) it's a terrible, terrible movie, directed by the Human Sap Machine, Mr. Garry Marshall (Beaches, Pretty Woman, The Princess Diaries) and b) it's an awesome, amazing film, features some of the funniest performances of all time by Juliette Lewis and Giovanni Ribisi.

Unfortunately, it's not a comedy. Could've fooled me - and someone even went to the trouble to make a drinking game ought of it - brilliant.

2. Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump
He's pretty much the reigning Godfather of these types of roles, with the film having made some $300+ million (back in 1994) and spawning a cottage industry of merchandise, from boxes of chocolate to Bubba Gump Shrimp restaurants (not bad, by the way). Hanks spawned more catchphrases as Gump than he had in the rest of his career combined, I imagine. That said, in my heart, he still can't top...




1. Warren Jensen, There's Something About Mary
Have you seen his baseball? Oh, and a word to the wise...don't touch his ears.

And then...

Recycling Rocks: A Rant in the Key of E

Editor's note: Tuesday's Twelve Tags will be posted later today. In the meantime, get to know some vintage Fletch (secondary note: the box office figures listed were pre-2008, so no Dark Knight, etc.)...

Did you know that the list of top grossing movies at the box office looks like this?

1. Titanic $600.79 m
2. Star Wars $461.00 m
3. Shrek 2 $436.47 m
4. E.T. $434.97 m
5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace $431.09 m
6. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest $419.65 m
7. Spider-Man $405.85 m
Box office figures thanks to http://www.boxofficereport.com/

Wait a sec! That's right - this list means nothing at all! See, the lists of "Top Grossers" don't typically adjust for inflation. When adjusted for inflation, Gone With the Wind becomes the all-time champ (with $1112.2 m) - without doing so, GWTW comes it at 71st. 71st! What kind of a system is this?

I've long had a problem with the use of weekend (and total) box office sales (dollars) as a means of measuring success. Look at the other forms of mass entertainment media and their main statistical measuring sticks: in the music industry, volume is the KPI, with special designations at 500,000 and 1,000,000 units. Television uses Nielsen ratings, which, flawed as they may be, are still a measure of total viewers, not an arbitrary, inflation-prone stat such as advertising dollars. The publishing industry also uses total units, like the music industry.

So, the obvious question is: Why doesn't Hollywood use "number of tickets sold" as its measuring stick? The short answer is "I don't know." I can speculate a number of reasons, from the standard "that's the way it has always been done" (likely). Another possibility is that the general public responds more to "instant history" and is thus more readily influenced to see a film if it is amongst the "Top 10 of All-Time" as opposed to being "Number 212 All-Time in Tickets Sold!" (more interesting, but not as likely).

Whatever the reason, I have been and forever will be bothered by the current tracking system, and unfortunately, I don't know what can be done about it (if anything). I do have the tiniest bit of good news, though: this site lists all movies with number of tickets sold all time. The list looks very similar to the "Adjusted Box Office" list, as it should be. One can only hope that someone or some group of "them" uses some common sense and picks up on this method in the future.

And then...

Recycling Rocks: Sports Movie UMVPs

(Note: This post was originally written for The Hater Nation and was published on 6/11/07. Busy with work today, and always felt that this post was unloved, much like the subjects below. So read it and tell me happy things and I'll tell the guys and gals - it's really a win-win-win.)

When Adam asked me to write something for THN, I was honored at first, then excited, then a bit terrified. After all, even though I'm a sports fan, I'm nowhere near the fanatic (or writer) that many sports bloggers are. Also, I write a blog that is 94% about movies, 3% about other pop culture happenings, and 3% sports (maybe). So there was certainly a challenge to writing something in my strengths to a sports-demanding audience.

Then again, there are a whole lot of movie fans out there, and there are a whole lot of sports films to admire and/or mock (and sometimes both at the same time).

I thought I'd start by handing out some kudos to some of the unheralded sports movie characters (or actors). Sure, everyone talks about how Kevin Costner was great in Bull Durham and that Tim Robbins throws like a girl, or that Chevy Chase and Rodney Dangerfield owned Caddyshack, but what about Brian Doyle-Murray? Let's pat some backs...

Jay Tarses, "Coach Bobby Flinstock," Teen Wolf
Amongst the unheralded MVPs, this guy is the MVP. One quote says it all:
"There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese."

Brian Doyle-Murray, "Lou Loomis," Caddyshack
Chevy, Rodney, and younger brother Bill get all the attention here, but Brian (who co-wrote Caddyshack with Harold Ramis) deserves a lot of the credit for the success of the movie. Aside from writing it, he was the official during the finale and also told a kid to "pick up that blood." Classic.

Omar Epps, "Willie Mays Hayes," Major League II
No, he didn't originate the role, but as the only major character in the sequel to Major League to be played by someone else, Epps had some large shoes to fill playing the character that Wesley Snipes built. And he does what amounts to a great impersonation. Unfortunately, that kind of laid out a pattern for his career - picking up the slop that Wesley didn't want. Though I guess with a steady gig on House, Omar's probably not too concerned with that these days (where'd Wesley go, anyway?).

Jimmy Fallon, "Ben Wrightman," Fever Pitch
Coming off the wildly successful Taxi, Fallon stepped into the batter's box and nailed one out of the park with this Farrelly brother-directed ode to the Red Sox. Showing such great chemistry with co-star Drew Barrymore, Jimmy --
(Gotcha.)


Scott Caan, "Charlie Tweeder," Varsity Blues
I'm not interested in Billy Bob Thornton and Friday Night Lights - I want to see James Van Der Beek tell his dad, "I don't want...your life!" Meanwhile, Scott Caan steals all of his scenes with his sheer obnoxiousness and bizarre brand of machismo, highlighted by this throwaway sequence between Van Der Beek's "Mox" and "Tweeder":
Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know.
[looks up]
Charlie Tweeder: What?

Kelly Preston, "Avery Bishop," Jerry Maguire
"Don't...ever...stop...f*cking...me!!!"

'Nuff said.







Allen Covert, "Otto," Happy Gilmore
Long before he became officially known as "one of Adam Sandler's buddies that appears in all his movies," Covert's homeless man plucked from the street to be Happy's caddy practically stole all of his Gilmore scenes, despite barely uttering a word the whole time. Gold.



Bolo Yeung, "Chong Li," Bloodsport
You'd think that playing the lead villain in one of the most enjoyable guilty pleasure films of all time would have made Yeung a star in America - after all, the guy was in Enter the Dragon some 15 years (!) earlier. But no, while Jackie Chan crossed over to fame, fortune, and a horrible franchise with Chris Tucker, Bolo was relegated to being Van Damme's nemesis in Double Impact. Ouch.

And then...

Recycling Rocks: In the battle between testosterone and estrogen, we all lose

(Editor's note: Since I haven't seen a movie in what seems like two months, I present you with one of my favorite posts, an in-depth, serious look - ok, not really - at two silly movies. Enjoy. As for me, the plan is to see Indy IV tonight. Expect tears of disappointment later this week.)


I'd like to take you back in time to a simpler era. A time when the thought of the impending new millennium caused mass hysteria and forced many a cubicle worker to re-code bank software from 2-character years to 4-character years. A time when America had a President that could pronounce the word "nuclear" correctly. A time when Ben Affleck was considered a matinee idol - an A-lister, if you will.

The time was 1998 - specifically summer of that year. The first strike was made by estrogen. On May 8th, Deep Impact was released into theaters. The plot? A comet is headed for earth and will be here in a matter of weeks. How will the people of earth prepare? Will Tea Leoni rise to the position of network anchor? Will a senior citizen be able to cope in space? Will anyone care? These questions and many more were answered.

What was not answered - at least, not at its time of release, was whether or not Deep Impact would be a bigger, better film than the suspiciously similar-plotted Armageddon, directed by Bad Boys helmer Michael Bay, and exec produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the master of subtlety.

Armageddon (stay with me) follows a group of kickass drillers who must rocket themselves into space to break up an asteroid (not a comet, mind you) that is headed straight for earth.



So which was the bigger film? Though not a landslide, the victory belonged to Bay and company, with Armageddon grossing just over $200 million, while Impact managed just $140 million.

But the battle for the title of "the better film" could not be decided by box office alone. Nor has IMDb solved the debate, as each film rates a stellar 5.8/10. Let's look at some other categories:

Cast
Though Armageddon features really only one woman in its cast (the unbearably annoying Liv Tyler), it's really not a close race. Impact's big names are Robert Duvall and Morgan Freeman, but there's a significant drop off after that, with Jon Favreau, Elijah Wood and Tea Leoni being the next biggest names (and don't forget Helen Hunt, Jr. - er, Leelee Sobieski). Armageddon, meanwhile, features Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Billy Bob Thornton, Steve Buscemi, Benaflek, William Fichtner and Peter Stormare. On second thought, it's closer than I imagined, but Willis and Co. are certainly the more entertaining bunch.

Cheese Factor
Deep Impact brings us heavy-handed sentimentality and a news anchor plot we could care less about. It also features a character named Biederman, which I find funny all by itself. Armageddon features animal crackers on a stomach. 'Nuff said.

Special Effects
Armageddon starts off with a bang, destroying much of Paris in the opening scenes. The bulk of the remaining effects take place of a crappy sound stage (sorry..."ASTEROID") and consist of scared drillers driving golf carts up and down hills. Yawn.

Impact may be talky, but the finale delivers. As the small meteor hits earth (smack dab into the Atlantic), a tidal wave engulfs New York, the Eastern seaboard is flooded, and Ron Eldard does his worst acting job playing a blind astronaut. Ok, so that's not an effect, but it had to be mentioned.

Directors
In one corner, we have the root of all evil in this world - Michael Bay, director of such Oscar-nominated films as The Rock, Pearl Harbor, and The Island. In the other corner, Mimi Leder, who (prior to Impact) directed Clooney and Kidman in the never-seen-by-anyone The Peacemaker and who in 2000 directed Pay It Forward, also known as "that terrible movie with the kid from The Sixth Sense and Kevin Spacey with a burned face."

It pains me to give the victory to Bay.

Soundtrack
Deep Impact contributed nothing to the world in terms of music. Armageddon gave us Aerosmith singing "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing."

Guess who wins this contest?

The Verdict
Well, I told you this right in the title of this post. No one wins, because we all lose. If you want to watch something overtly masculine (coughovercompensatingcough) and/or laughably bad (not that the two are necessarily intertwined), then Armageddon is most certainly the film for you. On the other hand, if you want some story and sentiment with your destruction, it's Impact all the way.

And if you're NFL Adam, you want Independence Day. Why, I have no idea...

And then...

Recycling Rocks: Seven People to Avoid at the Movie Theater

Editor's note: For a number of reasons (dead movie season, pretty caught up on reviews, other post ideas are currently dead ends, spent the last two days writing "Sirens" posts for the LAMB, my work with the poor and needy takes up all my time, etc.), it's time to grace you all with another greatest hit (or something like that) from long ago before you were a reader here. Don't you wish you'd been here from the start - to see me go from a blogging toddler to the punky (Brewster) blogging teenager I am today? No? Well tough.

Aside from giving movie reviews and opining on the random topic of the day, I'm here to provide a service to you the reader. As a rampant moviegoer, I must (obviously) enjoy the experience of going to the movies. That said, there are people (or groups of people) that serve as potential minefields to your experience. They are there to irritate you, frustrate you, pester you - whatever it takes to show you that they are passively-aggressively more important than you. So watch out for them...

* Hearing-aid Couple
Blog Cabins would never prejudge all senior citizens who attend the theater (at a discount, mind you). After all, many seniors have great hearing and are typically amongst the quietest in the building. Unfortunately, it only takes one half of a hearing-impaired couple for them both to drive you nuts. This is because the spouse with the better hearing of the two ends up serving as a closed-captioning service to the hearing impaired. "What'd they say?," says one, with the other recapping the action onscreen. Folks, they have headphones available at the counters of many theaters. They also have open captioning at many theaters. Look into it.

* 300-Pound Man
In and of itself, being heavy is not a crime at the movies. But with the advent of rocking chair style seating, having a heavy-set fellow in the row in front of you will give you flashbacks to your latest airplane trip. It should be noted also that it need not necessarily be all that heavy of a person in front of you to make you miserable; it could just be someone who enjoys rocking a bit too much or who purposefully sits way back in their seat. Buddy - I like my knees. Do you mind?

* The MST3K Fan
Hey, I love to kick back and make fun of the action as much as the next fellow - cracking wise at this or that, getting the folks around you going. But while this practice is encouraged when watching the tube with some buddies, it makes me want to shoot you at the theater. It's not your living room - shut your trap and keep your comments to yourself. Or at least whisper to those around you. No one else cares. (Note: this position is often held by persons under the age of 16, who most likely did not pay for their own ticket. Now I hate you and your parents.) Oh, and for those unaware - read up on MST3K here.

* The New Hire
At the local chain Mrs. Fletch and I attend 99% of the time, we are lucky. While almost all of the employees wear the same "tux without a jacket" uniform, the "team leaders" wear a black vest and the managers wear normal business attire. What's the point, you might ask? Well, when you're faced with concession roulette and the lines look even, it's much easier to pick a winner, as the leaders/managers (when they're running a register) are always much faster and better than their less experienced counterparts. New hires? I might as well make the popcorn myself.

* The Cell Phone Rule Pusher
"What do you want from me? It's not ringing?" Those are the words I can hear the Cell Phone Rule Pusher saying already. Tough. I don't care if your phone isn't ringing - turn it off the entire time you are in the theater! And no texting, either! While not necessarily as annoying as hearing someone's oh-so-charming ringtone with the movie running, seeing the bright backlight of their handset as it lights up the darkened theater is really close. It calls to my eyes like a beacon, and I know I'm not alone on this. Please - unless it's life or death, leave your phone in the car.

* The Sheep
The most baffling person/people at the movies. Yes, I understand the entire experience of moviegoing is not necessarily a private outing. I am voluntarily entering a dark room filled with upwards of 500 or so people. However, should the theater not be sold out, why are there people that will sit within two seats of me when the place is empty? I don't know you and I don't want to sit next to you if I have the choice. Before you ask - no, I don't sit in the middle (horizontally or vertically); I like to sit more towards the back of the theater and like an aisle seat on the left or right section. So I'm not exactly sitting in the most popular area - why do you choose to leech onto me? I may be good looking and interesting, but gimme a break!

* Me
Because I'm obviously an ornery sunavabitch. Proceed with caution.


Got someone (or some type of person) to add to the list? Email me at blogcabins@yahoo.com or post a comment below.

And then...

Recycling Rocks! (Movies that Roll)

I could watch Seinfeld reruns probably until the end of time. Somehow, the exploits of Jerry, Kramer, George and Elaine just don't get old. Likewise, the writing featured here on Blog Cabins ages like a fine wine, somehow getting better with time. At the same time, I'm swamped at work and short on reviews - so, in the spirit of television syndication, I present to you a repackaged BC post that I'm sure you won't remember, either because you weren't yet a reader here, or because you just have a bad memory. Here is "Fletch's Favored Five: Movies That Roll" (originally posted 4/13/07) in its original form:

It's high time to unveil a new feature here in the Blog Cabins. While Top 10 lists are highly cliched and terribly unoriginal, "Favored Five" are wildly clever and wholly unique. Therefore, I shall periodically choose a topic of my liking and tell you which are the top, er, favored films that fit into said topic. (If you like, you can suggest a topic for me to cover by emailing me.)

Today's topic: Movies that Roll

I don't know if you've noticed, but movies that either revolve around or feature bowling are much better than those that don't. Ok, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but there certainly seems to be some magic brought on by the scent of cigarettes and beer and the sounds of pins crashing - just go here for more evidence. For the purposes of this article, I'm only looking at films that feature bowling, but do not revolve around it completely (which, to my knowledge, only knocks out Kingpin and possibly some documentaries about real-life bowlers).

5. Pleasantville: There's really not a lot of bowling going on here, but the scene in the bowling alley is pretty key, and features a pissed off J.T. Walsh, which is always a good thing when it comes to film. William H. Macy has just come home from work, only to find out that his loving wife has not cooked him dinner (!). Cue thunder and lightning, along with a walk to the bowling alley, where the men have gathered (naturally) to discuss just what in sam hell is wrong with the womenfolk. (Note: Pleasantville also may make a list in the near future for having one of the all-time great soundtrack songs/cover songs, with Fiona Apple's interpretation of The Beatles "Across the Universe." Check it out if you can.)

4. Napoleon Dynamite: Another short bowling scene in a pretty good movie, as we get a dose of Uncle Rico and Kip making their way to the lanes to strategize their sales and marketing strategy as only they can. Docked some points here for the brevity of the bowling.

3. Teen Wolf: That Scott Howard sure turned into a cocky bastard once he became a little more comfortable with the "wolf out" abilities. Here we see young Scott raising the ire of 35-year old Mick by taking his girlfriend, the much desired Pamela Wells, to the lanes for an evening of bowling lessons, ball throwing and extraneous hair.

2. Uncle Buck: Entire books could probably be written about the mystery that is John Hughes' career. The undisputed King of the 80s teen comedy has written a ton of movies, though the last good and/or successful one was 1990's Home Alone. Meanwhile, he has only directed 8 films in his entire career (!!), starting with Sixteen Candles in 1984 and concluding with Curly Sue in 1991. In between, he made (in order): The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Buehler's Day Off, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, She's Having a Baby and Uncle Buck. A simply amazing run of success if ever there was one.

Uncle Buck brought us one of the last, great performances by John Candy, and it ranks number two in the countdown. Buck was a big-time bowler, so when he handles his nieces and nephew (a pre-Home Alone Macaulay Culkin) for a few days, you can't blame the guy for taking them bowling. The icing on the cake is when a sleazy buddy of Buck's comes over to hit on his 16-year old niece Tia, only to make a fool of himself getting a toothpick stuck inside his mouth. Ouch.

1. The Big Lebowski: As if there could possibly be another choice. Though it does not technically revolve around bowling in the way that something like Kingpin does, Lebowski isn't far off, with a good third (and possibly half) of its scenes taking place at the lanes, in some fashion or another. It's probably also the most realistic portrayal of bowlers/bowling yet, what with the ultra-competitive Walter Sobchak and the beer guts and wrist protectors featured in the opening credits.

F*ck it Dude, let's go bowling.

And then...