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Mar 19, 2008

Recycling Rocks: Seven People to Avoid at the Movie Theater

Editor's note: For a number of reasons (dead movie season, pretty caught up on reviews, other post ideas are currently dead ends, spent the last two days writing "Sirens" posts for the LAMB, my work with the poor and needy takes up all my time, etc.), it's time to grace you all with another greatest hit (or something like that) from long ago before you were a reader here. Don't you wish you'd been here from the start - to see me go from a blogging toddler to the punky (Brewster) blogging teenager I am today? No? Well tough.

Aside from giving movie reviews and opining on the random topic of the day, I'm here to provide a service to you the reader. As a rampant moviegoer, I must (obviously) enjoy the experience of going to the movies. That said, there are people (or groups of people) that serve as potential minefields to your experience. They are there to irritate you, frustrate you, pester you - whatever it takes to show you that they are passively-aggressively more important than you. So watch out for them...

* Hearing-aid Couple
Blog Cabins would never prejudge all senior citizens who attend the theater (at a discount, mind you). After all, many seniors have great hearing and are typically amongst the quietest in the building. Unfortunately, it only takes one half of a hearing-impaired couple for them both to drive you nuts. This is because the spouse with the better hearing of the two ends up serving as a closed-captioning service to the hearing impaired. "What'd they say?," says one, with the other recapping the action onscreen. Folks, they have headphones available at the counters of many theaters. They also have open captioning at many theaters. Look into it.

* 300-Pound Man
In and of itself, being heavy is not a crime at the movies. But with the advent of rocking chair style seating, having a heavy-set fellow in the row in front of you will give you flashbacks to your latest airplane trip. It should be noted also that it need not necessarily be all that heavy of a person in front of you to make you miserable; it could just be someone who enjoys rocking a bit too much or who purposefully sits way back in their seat. Buddy - I like my knees. Do you mind?

* The MST3K Fan
Hey, I love to kick back and make fun of the action as much as the next fellow - cracking wise at this or that, getting the folks around you going. But while this practice is encouraged when watching the tube with some buddies, it makes me want to shoot you at the theater. It's not your living room - shut your trap and keep your comments to yourself. Or at least whisper to those around you. No one else cares. (Note: this position is often held by persons under the age of 16, who most likely did not pay for their own ticket. Now I hate you and your parents.) Oh, and for those unaware - read up on MST3K here.

* The New Hire
At the local chain Mrs. Fletch and I attend 99% of the time, we are lucky. While almost all of the employees wear the same "tux without a jacket" uniform, the "team leaders" wear a black vest and the managers wear normal business attire. What's the point, you might ask? Well, when you're faced with concession roulette and the lines look even, it's much easier to pick a winner, as the leaders/managers (when they're running a register) are always much faster and better than their less experienced counterparts. New hires? I might as well make the popcorn myself.

* The Cell Phone Rule Pusher
"What do you want from me? It's not ringing?" Those are the words I can hear the Cell Phone Rule Pusher saying already. Tough. I don't care if your phone isn't ringing - turn it off the entire time you are in the theater! And no texting, either! While not necessarily as annoying as hearing someone's oh-so-charming ringtone with the movie running, seeing the bright backlight of their handset as it lights up the darkened theater is really close. It calls to my eyes like a beacon, and I know I'm not alone on this. Please - unless it's life or death, leave your phone in the car.

* The Sheep
The most baffling person/people at the movies. Yes, I understand the entire experience of moviegoing is not necessarily a private outing. I am voluntarily entering a dark room filled with upwards of 500 or so people. However, should the theater not be sold out, why are there people that will sit within two seats of me when the place is empty? I don't know you and I don't want to sit next to you if I have the choice. Before you ask - no, I don't sit in the middle (horizontally or vertically); I like to sit more towards the back of the theater and like an aisle seat on the left or right section. So I'm not exactly sitting in the most popular area - why do you choose to leech onto me? I may be good looking and interesting, but gimme a break!

* Me
Because I'm obviously an ornery sunavabitch. Proceed with caution.

Got someone (or some type of person) to add to the list? Email me at blogcabins@yahoo.com or post a comment below.

10 people have chosen wisely: on "Recycling Rocks: Seven People to Avoid at the Movie Theater"

Nayana Anthony said...

Yes! Yes! Fletch, you're the best. I do like these "Recycled" posts... I haven't been in this whole blogging thing too long, and as NBC says... they're new to me!

For the record, I do sit in the middle. What's the name of my blog again?...

Mrs. Thuro said...

How about the idiots who bring their newborn baby to the sold out 10 o'clock show of a horror movie (or any other applicable inappropriate age/time/film)? What's a good name for them?

I also hate the food-aholics, standing behind them in the concession stand line or sitting near them. How much freaking food do you need to sustain you for maybe a two hour flick? Here's an idea: eat beforehand or wait till after. It'll be cheaper than spending your kids' college fund on the hotdog-nachos-popcorn- candy-pretzel-pickle-diet-coke combo.

Mrs Fletch said...

Right on Mrs. Thuro!
I think it was "Sherry Baby" or maybe "Bug"... there was a kid in the audience that was like 6 or 7, quietly asking dad why certain things were happening on-screen. I couldn't believe a parent would even THINK of bringing a kid to a movie like that.

Daniel G. said...

Ha, these are great! I actually wrote a guide on "How to Go to the Movies" as one of my first posts, too. And we both happened to include sheep! Idiot people...

Nick said...

haha... I've read this one before, because I have no life and I've read almost all of your old articles.

But I agree with Mrs. Thuro. The babies during late-night horror movies boggle my mind, as do the food-aholics. I never get food when I go on my own, but when I go with my mom or sister, they always have to at least get a drink... so we're waiting in line for 20 minutes behind people who need 1 of everything.

Jason Soto said...

Wow! This was the first post of yours that I read when I found your blog. (In case you're wondering, through oddtodd.com)

You know what annoys me? Teenage girls. Not even in just horror movies, where they scream (then laugh afterwards) at every damn thing. Seriously, when me and my fiancee went to see Juno, every other scene was "EWWW" like when they showed her stomach, or they put some jelly on the ultrasound and her eating a sandwich. Just ugh.

fadedsilverscreen said...

Another type of person to avoid at theaters is people who talk throughout the entire film. I went to see Spiderman 3 on opening night, and I was pissed because these two people next to me were talking throughout the entire film. I mean come on! Who comes to see a film on opening night, only to talk through the entire thing?

Caitlin said...

The hard of hearing people kill me. I went to a Sunday matinee showing once -- and only once -- to see Moulin Rouge. One of the two elderly women behind me kept saying, "What?! What's that? What's going on?" She then proceeded to scream and yell about what a stupid character "Saltine" was.

Also, the people who are jerks for absolutely no reason drive me crazy. When I saw World Trade Center, I was in a packed theater with one jerk in front of me laughing at seriously inappropriate moments and mocking the movie senslessly. That's not really a movie you can snark on, really.

Nick said...

I had a wonderful experience when I went to go see Atonement, I believe. A new breed of annoying. The 'Captain Obvious' elderly couple. I'm assuming that the man was blind and partially deaf, as the woman repeatedly pointed thing out that really didn't need to be said. For instance... when there was a toad on screen as the camera zoomed through scenery, I would here "Oh! A toad!" And it was like that non-stop for the entire movie.

James said...

Fabulous summary of the assholes one confronts at the theater. I find these folks not to hard-core movie fans. We hard-core movie fans understand the unwritten code/rules.

I especially get annoyed with the commentary folks or the ones who give stuff away to their friend as they watch because they themselves has seen it before. I feel like saying, "Uh, you know...I CAN hear you!!"

And the sheep!!! I feel like sometimes I have a magnet on my forehead that attracts other people.