TGITDNMAR (10/23/09)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

Ugh - terrible slate of new releases. You know what that means...time to catch up on artier fare. A Serious Man and/or New York, I Love You ought to be in my near-future.

Saw VI
I assume this series is just going to continue until the number of people interested eclipses the number in the film's title. I am not one of those people; I saw the first, and it was a good concept - it felt fresh. Then they decided to turn it into a series where the bad guy never dies, until he does die and then apparently keeps popping up again and again. Please explain the appeal of watching new and interesting ways for people to be mutilated and killed to me.

Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 0%

Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant
This feels like "good concept, bad execution." Sure, we've all seen loads of vampire movies, but I can't think of too many flicks about a traveling freak show; there seems to be ample opportunity to showcase some interesting characters and coolio effects, but something about this just doesn't feel right, from John C. Reilly as a lead to the boring kid following him around. Plus I read that there's spiders in this, and I'm a real baby about that.

Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 39%

Amelia
Two-time Academy Award winner Hilary Swank. Richard Gere and Ewan McGregor. Serious film director Mira Nair. Epic period piece. This thing has Oscar Contender written all over it, right? Then why is it being released now, and with little to no hype surrounding it?

Survey says...it must not be very good. Not that I'm all that psyched to find out. How 'bout you go and tell me if you liked it, instead.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 4%

Astro Boy
First of all - no, I'm not familiar with the origins of Astro Boy. Remember, I did a post on upcoming Nic Cage flicks some time back and had to be told by someone else that this was even a TV show some 50 years ago. Sorry if it slipped by my pop culture radar...in 1959.

I've read a couple plot synopses for Astro lately. The thing that sticks out to me? It's about a boyish-looking robot created by a scientist that's been alternately described as either "brilliant" or "genius." Need I telll you who's voicing said scientist? Well, wouldn't you know it! It's Nicogoddamnlas Cage!

Anyway, this won't be seen by me.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 2%

And then...

Catching up with...Nic Cage

What would Superman be without Lex Luthor? Batman without The Joker? Seinfeld without Newman? It's been some 4+ months since CAGEFEST, and you'll have to forgive me if I've been feeling a bit like I'd encountered some kryptonite lately. What can I say? The man is my nemesis and, sad as it sounds, Blog Cabins suffers when my distaste for him is not brought to the forefront for months at a time. When I'm not bagging on the guy, I can feel my powers draining from my body and I hate to say it, but 2008 was a bad year in this respect, what with just a single Cage "film" hitting theaters (none other than one Bangkok Dangerous, of course).

Lucky for us (?), 2008 was dry for Nic only because he'd been working so hard on 2009 and beyond. The man amongst men is up to eleven projects in one level of development or another. If only IMDb would let curious fellows like myself go into hardcore statistician mode to see if that was a record - as you know, Nic is nothing if not a giant whore, pimping himself out wherever there is a dollar to be made.

"But what are these eleven projects?," you might be asking yourself. Well, lucky for you, I am here. Below I have previewed them, in chronological order and in all their glory, and even provided a Projected Level of Cageness (a synonym for sucktitude, as you must know), from 1-5 Cages. Enjoy!

Post-production
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Director Werner Herzog wants you to know that this is not a remake: "No, it's not, although I cannot fully verify it because I have never seen Bad Lieutenant made by Abel Ferrara. I do not know who the man is, although he has made a lot of noise about this." Classy, Werner. He also has this to say about our main man Cage: "I took him where he has not been before." Where? Talentville? Cool City? Hairland?

On the other other hand, Bad co-stars Val Kilmer, Eva Mendes, Fairuza Balk and Shawn Hatosy. Interesting...
Projected Level of Cageness:




Knowing
Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) directs this mystery/thriller that stars our man Cage as a teacher that, through a sequence of events, comes to believe that he and his family may hold the key to the future of the world. Or something like that. Typical ego-centric character choosing by Nic, but the plot actually does sound kind of interesting, and though Proyas hasn't been all that hot as of late (I, Robot), he's know for being somewhat of a visionary.
Projected Level of Cageness:




G-Force
Hard for even Nic to screw this one up too much. It's an animated flick (brought to you by Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer) about specially trained guinea pigs that help save the world. Other vocal talent: Bill Nighy, Sam Rockwell, Steve Buscemi, Will Arnett, and Penelope Cruz.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Filming
Kick-Ass
Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust) directs this comic book adaptation about a high school boy who takes his love of superheroes way too far, attempting to train and become one himself. Sounds like Spider-Man without the, you know, skills. Anyway, Cage "will play a former cop who, in his quest to bring down an evil drug lord played by Mark Strong, has trained his 11-year-old daughter to be the ruthless vigilante Hit Girl," says Wikipedia.

This is a tough one. Vaughn has a good rep...but something about it reminds me too much of Wanted, and if you'll recall, I was no great fan of that. Though Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin) has a role as well. Hmmm.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Astro Boy
More "teaming" with Bill Nighy in this animated tale of...wait a sec. Read the plot summary from IMDb and tell me if it reminds you of anything: "When a scientist's young son dies, he secretly creates a powerful robot child to replace him, however the robot uses it's incredible powers to become a world famous super-hero, and faces his biggest challenge when an alien race threatens Earth."

Hi, A.I. with a superhero twist thrown in! Could they have stolen more blatantly? That's it, I'm changing the name of this site to Rotten Roma Tomatoes.

Freddie Highmore voices Astro Boy.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Season of the Witch
Nicolas re-teams with Gone in Sixty Seconds helmer Dominic Sena (boy, Kalifornia sure is looking like a fluke) for this actioner about knights in the 14th century suspecting a witch of nasty things, not the least of which is being the source of...dunh-dunh-duh...the Black Plague. Cage is pictured at right in a pic from USA Today (click image to enlarge).
Projected Level of Cageness:




Pre-production
The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Yes, you guessed it - a live-action "adaptation" (haha) of the classic poem that inspired the classic sequence in Fantasia, starring Cage as the sorcerer and Jay Baruchel (Knocked Up, Tropic Thunder) as the apprentice. Brought to you by Disney (!), Jerry Bruckheimer (of course), and director Jon Turtletaub (the National Treasure flicks). Good christ - what an incenstuous bunch.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Riot
"As part of the crime-prevention program Scared Straight, a governor's delinquent son is sent to prison for what's to be a short period of time. While behind bars, however, the kid is taken hostage during a riot, forcing a lifer (Cage) to come to his aid." Directed by John Carpenter.

Is it just me, or does Cage have a serious hero complex? I'm surprised that his death at the end of Leaving Las Vegas didn't simultaneously cure cancer. Play a janitor already.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Amarillo Slim
Biopic of the famous poker player. Ok, sounds pretty good. To be directed by Milos Forman (Man on the Moon, The People vs. Larry Flynt). What?!? Does this mean Cage is going to grace us with real acting ability? I don't effing believe it.

The full story from the Hollywood Reporter.
Projected Level of Cageness:




Announced (very little info available)
Electric God
Hmmm..."God" in the title, no less. Very subtle. The story was broken in Variety. Seemed fine and dandy to me until the last line said "Saturn [Cage's production company] is in post [-production] on Andrew Niccol's Lord of War and is prepping The Wicker Man, written and to be directed by Neil LaBute." I'm thinking, "All those movies have come out already!"

The Electric God story came out in 2005. Don't hold your breath for this one...
Projected Level of Cageness:




The Dance
Biopic of boxer/boxing coach Billy "The Kid" Roth. Based on a documentary from 2003. Full story here (c'mon people, even I can spell Nicolas' first name right). Co-stars 50 Cent.
Projected Level of Cageness:




There you have it, folks. The next 2-3 years of Cage. Are you at the edge of your seat yet?

Cage on IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000115/

And then...