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Feb 5, 2009

Catching up with...Nic Cage

What would Superman be without Lex Luthor? Batman without The Joker? Seinfeld without Newman? It's been some 4+ months since CAGEFEST, and you'll have to forgive me if I've been feeling a bit like I'd encountered some kryptonite lately. What can I say? The man is my nemesis and, sad as it sounds, Blog Cabins suffers when my distaste for him is not brought to the forefront for months at a time. When I'm not bagging on the guy, I can feel my powers draining from my body and I hate to say it, but 2008 was a bad year in this respect, what with just a single Cage "film" hitting theaters (none other than one Bangkok Dangerous, of course).

Lucky for us (?), 2008 was dry for Nic only because he'd been working so hard on 2009 and beyond. The man amongst men is up to eleven projects in one level of development or another. If only IMDb would let curious fellows like myself go into hardcore statistician mode to see if that was a record - as you know, Nic is nothing if not a giant whore, pimping himself out wherever there is a dollar to be made.

"But what are these eleven projects?," you might be asking yourself. Well, lucky for you, I am here. Below I have previewed them, in chronological order and in all their glory, and even provided a Projected Level of Cageness (a synonym for sucktitude, as you must know), from 1-5 Cages. Enjoy!

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
Director Werner Herzog wants you to know that this is not a remake: "No, it's not, although I cannot fully verify it because I have never seen Bad Lieutenant made by Abel Ferrara. I do not know who the man is, although he has made a lot of noise about this." Classy, Werner. He also has this to say about our main man Cage: "I took him where he has not been before." Where? Talentville? Cool City? Hairland?

On the other other hand, Bad co-stars Val Kilmer, Eva Mendes, Fairuza Balk and Shawn Hatosy. Interesting...
Projected Level of Cageness:

Alex Proyas (The Crow, Dark City) directs this mystery/thriller that stars our man Cage as a teacher that, through a sequence of events, comes to believe that he and his family may hold the key to the future of the world. Or something like that. Typical ego-centric character choosing by Nic, but the plot actually does sound kind of interesting, and though Proyas hasn't been all that hot as of late (I, Robot), he's know for being somewhat of a visionary.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Hard for even Nic to screw this one up too much. It's an animated flick (brought to you by Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer) about specially trained guinea pigs that help save the world. Other vocal talent: Bill Nighy, Sam Rockwell, Steve Buscemi, Will Arnett, and Penelope Cruz.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Matthew Vaughn (Layer Cake, Stardust) directs this comic book adaptation about a high school boy who takes his love of superheroes way too far, attempting to train and become one himself. Sounds like Spider-Man without the, you know, skills. Anyway, Cage "will play a former cop who, in his quest to bring down an evil drug lord played by Mark Strong, has trained his 11-year-old daughter to be the ruthless vigilante Hit Girl," says Wikipedia.

This is a tough one. Vaughn has a good rep...but something about it reminds me too much of Wanted, and if you'll recall, I was no great fan of that. Though Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin) has a role as well. Hmmm.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Astro Boy
More "teaming" with Bill Nighy in this animated tale of...wait a sec. Read the plot summary from IMDb and tell me if it reminds you of anything: "When a scientist's young son dies, he secretly creates a powerful robot child to replace him, however the robot uses it's incredible powers to become a world famous super-hero, and faces his biggest challenge when an alien race threatens Earth."

Hi, A.I. with a superhero twist thrown in! Could they have stolen more blatantly? That's it, I'm changing the name of this site to Rotten Roma Tomatoes.

Freddie Highmore voices Astro Boy.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Season of the Witch
Nicolas re-teams with Gone in Sixty Seconds helmer Dominic Sena (boy, Kalifornia sure is looking like a fluke) for this actioner about knights in the 14th century suspecting a witch of nasty things, not the least of which is being the source of...dunh-dunh-duh...the Black Plague. Cage is pictured at right in a pic from USA Today (click image to enlarge).
Projected Level of Cageness:

The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Yes, you guessed it - a live-action "adaptation" (haha) of the classic poem that inspired the classic sequence in Fantasia, starring Cage as the sorcerer and Jay Baruchel (Knocked Up, Tropic Thunder) as the apprentice. Brought to you by Disney (!), Jerry Bruckheimer (of course), and director Jon Turtletaub (the National Treasure flicks). Good christ - what an incenstuous bunch.
Projected Level of Cageness:

"As part of the crime-prevention program Scared Straight, a governor's delinquent son is sent to prison for what's to be a short period of time. While behind bars, however, the kid is taken hostage during a riot, forcing a lifer (Cage) to come to his aid." Directed by John Carpenter.

Is it just me, or does Cage have a serious hero complex? I'm surprised that his death at the end of Leaving Las Vegas didn't simultaneously cure cancer. Play a janitor already.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Amarillo Slim
Biopic of the famous poker player. Ok, sounds pretty good. To be directed by Milos Forman (Man on the Moon, The People vs. Larry Flynt). What?!? Does this mean Cage is going to grace us with real acting ability? I don't effing believe it.

The full story from the Hollywood Reporter.
Projected Level of Cageness:

Announced (very little info available)
Electric God
Hmmm..."God" in the title, no less. Very subtle. The story was broken in Variety. Seemed fine and dandy to me until the last line said "Saturn [Cage's production company] is in post [-production] on Andrew Niccol's Lord of War and is prepping The Wicker Man, written and to be directed by Neil LaBute." I'm thinking, "All those movies have come out already!"

The Electric God story came out in 2005. Don't hold your breath for this one...
Projected Level of Cageness:

The Dance
Biopic of boxer/boxing coach Billy "The Kid" Roth. Based on a documentary from 2003. Full story here (c'mon people, even I can spell Nicolas' first name right). Co-stars 50 Cent.
Projected Level of Cageness:

There you have it, folks. The next 2-3 years of Cage. Are you at the edge of your seat yet?

Cage on IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000115/

22 people have chosen wisely: on "Catching up with...Nic Cage"

The Cheap-Arse Film Critic said...

I find Nic Cage a very frustrating actor to watch. Sometimes he's great, like he was in "Adaptation," and sometimes he's like he was in "Matchstick Men," where frankly he ruined the movie. Watching him ty to cry made me so embarrassed for him.

Nick said...


Sorry to burst your bubble, man, but Astro Boy is based on an anime from the 60s... long before A.I. came around.

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

Astro Boy is from the 1950's, even. The anime is hilarious in an unintentional way today. Perhaps they will capture that flavor via Cage.

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

Also, these 11 movies are the reason Cage couldn't do The Wrestler. Small blessing?

dreamrot said...

Kick-Ass is based on a comic written by Mark Millar. Millar also wrote the comic that Wanted was based on.

Fletch said...

"Astro Boy is from the 1950's, even. The anime is hilarious in an unintentional way today. Perhaps they will capture that flavor via Cage."

Haha - yeah, I went and looked it up after seeing your comments. Astro Boy looks like Bob's Big Boy...

Oh well. So they didn't steal from A.I. (which of course, was based on an earlier story that probably stole from Astro Boy). Doesn't change the fact that Cage is a hack. ;)

"Kick-Ass is based on a comic written by Mark Millar. Millar also wrote the comic that Wanted was based on."

See, I knew it seemed familiar. While researching, I read a little bit about the comic on Wiki, but didn't see that it was the same dude. Figures. Ought to suck equally hard.

"Watching him ty to cry made me so embarrassed for him."

Have you by chance seen The Wicker Man? Highest of high comedy...

Fletch said...

Oh, and this: "Also, these 11 movies are the reason Cage couldn't do The Wrestler. Small blessing?"

God, yes. Thank your lucky stars every day for this.

Though it would've made for a hellishly funny movie this way. Now I'm torn...

Alex said...

don't forget about the Ghost Rider sequel!

Nick said...

Wanted rocked. Kick-Ass should be cool, too :P .

Anders said...

Nic Cage has become Hollywood's biggest joke.
I was reading either Empire Mag or Film Ink. the other day and it had a section of phoney Nic Cage recommendation quotes along the lines of:

"You Don't Mess with the Zohan was hands down the funniest film of the year!"

"The Happening was amazing, really terrifying! Another winner from Shyamalan! "

In any case, I found it amusing that even the big magazines are continually taking the piss out of him, and it also reminded me of you Fletch. Naw, isn't that nice to feel loved.....?

Farzan said...

Cage hasn't made a good movie in a long while. I'm starting to loose faith in his acting abilities.


While I found this hilarious. I love Nic Cage...

almost as much as I love THE TEMPLE OF DOOM.

Dave said...


I think we're kindred spirits, Fletch. I didn't know of anyone who hated Cage (he doesn't deserve a first name. Hell, if I could refer to him as "blah" I would, but then no one would know who I meant) as much as I do. (I don't like to talk about it.)

Pat said...

Wow. I'm not a Cage-hater on your level, Fletch - but there's only one film on that whole list that I'd even consider seeing, and that's the one being directed by Milos Forman.

Oh, and pop over to Doodad Kind of Town today when you have a minute, because there's a special recognition for you on the site.

Fletch said...

Alex - weird that IMBd doesn't mention the Ghost Rider sequel...maybe it's in early, early development. Maybe it will stay that way :D

Nick - Kick-Ass is all yours. Enjoy.

Anders - indeed it does feel nice, and those fake quotes are hilarious. Additionally, my plan of making everyone think of me when they see the name Nic Cage is turning out to be brilliance, what with Cage's "work" ethic. Imagine if Daniel Day-Lewis was my nemesis - people only hear his name every three years! ;)

Farzan - losing faith in Cage is a winning proposition. Wise choice.

Joe C. - may we never speak again. Love Temple of Doom AND Cage!?!? Surely, you are the anti-christ, or at least the pseudo-devil.

Dave - so tell me...really...what did you think of Ghost Rider? Did Nic Cage's performance as Ghost Rider live up to your expectations of what a Nic Cage performance was in your head? Nic Cage. Nic Cage. hehe

In other news, did you know that if you type in "Nic Cage blog" into Google that Blog Cabins shows up on the first page?

Pat - I'd consider the animated ones, as only hearing Cage's voice doesn't give me the shakes or anything. But yeah, the Forman one looks to be far and away the winner.

I Dun been Dardoed?!? Awww, thanks Pat! I don't know if my site is intellectual enough to warrant being Dardoed, but I really appreciate it. I shall do my best to pass it on asap.

Kyle said...

Bad Lieutenant...oh man. Ever feel like getting depressed really fast just watch that movie. I'm sure a version with Nicolas Cage would be hilariously bad though, seeing as his role in the Wicker Man remake turned a disturbing thriller into the ultimate ironic comedy.


No Fletch. Call me Kālī.

Alex said...

Ghost Rider 2 is in the special early development stage where you need imdb pro to look at it, or some such nonsense. I hope it stays there too. will anyone, anywhere, ever, learn?

Paul Arrand Rodgers said...

Bob's Big Boy. Man, why can't they all just be Frisch's or Elias Brothers? Pick one!

elgringo said...

I'm no Cage hater but I'm SO OVERJOYED that he never played Superman and left "The Wrestler" due to creative differences.

The Wrestler - Nic Cage = Best movie of the year.

The Wrestler + Nick Cage = Dogshit

Fletch said...

Kyle - I've managed to avoid the original Bad Lt. thus far. Something about seeing Little Harvey just doesn't appeal to me...

Alex - are you an IMDb Pro member? If so, is it worth it? And yes Ghost Rider 2 can rot there for all I care.

elgringo - I dunno. The more I think about it, the more I'd like to see The Wrestler made exactly the same, only with Cage. Sort of a companion piece. It would be, as Kyle said about Bad Lt., hilariously bad.

Nic Cage said...

Oh how I love...myself.

This will be a great year!