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Jul 29, 2010

Fletch's Favored Five: Teeth in Film

I've put way too much thought into this list - the only problem is that there's not a whole lot to choose from. They play an important part in Intolerably Cruelty, to be sure, and they're so pivotal in one film that the film is even named Teeth, but a) I haven't seen that, b) it sounds too gimmicky, and c) I'm not even sure they show the titular teeth because d) they ain't in her mouth.

What I was aiming for were the five most memorable teeth, be they an individual tooth or a mouthful. Obviously, vampires are way too commonplace and boring. Before we go any further, how about a lifetime achievement award to Tom Cruise, owner of three front teeth (or one, depending on how you look at it). Ever since this was pointed out to me, I've been unable to not fixate on it (don't think about elephants), so I thought I'd share my trauma with you:


Next, an honorable mention.

Mike Myers, Austin Powers series: Austin's gritty, grimy Briteeth were an important element of his character, and though they're not amongst my favorites, they deserve a shout-out. Sexy, baby:


The five:

5. Matt Dillon, There's Something About Mary: The definition of "chompers." Dillon's Pat Healy will do whatever it takes to get in the good graces of Mary, and when he learns that she's into nice, big teeth, well...


4. Vinnie Jones, Snatch: Really, the tooth itself is pretty inconsequential to the film; it merely adds to the aura of cool that writer/director Guy Ritchie imports into his characters and movies, and Tony was most definitely a cool cat and a bad ass, and his bullet tooth certainly helped in that regard.


3. John Matuszak, The Goonies: What would you work on first - the severe facial deformity or that set of mismanaged rice bits? Poor Sloth...


2. Richard Kiel, The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker: I can't imagine what it must have been like to brush those things after chowing down on some popcorn. That in and of itself is a nightmare.


1. Chris Cooper, Adaptation: It's a travesty that for my favorite set of teeth, there was not a single good image to be found on the internets. I had to find a video clip and screenshot it to present you this look at the few remaining teeth that John Laroche had. I don't doubt at all that his mouth played a large part in his Oscar win.


18 people have chosen wisely: on "Fletch's Favored Five: Teeth in Film"

DJ Heinlein said...

What? Willem Dafoe's teeth grinning appearance in Wild at Heart did not make the list?

Louis Baxter said...

Seconded on Willem Dafoe

Fletch said...

Sheeeit. It's there on the DVR, just waiting to be watched, but I ain't seen it yet. A Google Image Search tells me that it would most definitely make the list.

Nick said...

You aren't missing much with the movie "Teeth." It's pretty bad. And no, I don't think they show them, but I can't remember. They do show amputated penises, though, I believe.

Kaiderman said...

Now we're talking... this is a great list!
I would nominate Diamond Tooth from Remo Williams and Ben Stiller's old teeth... see: Something About Mary.

DJ Heinlein said...

@ Nick -- You are correct about the amputated penis. If I remember correctly it appears in the scene at the lagoon. However, this is a distraction from the sole purpose of the article

Aiden R. said...

Dude, this is the best list I've ever seen. Every one of these picks is a winner, but I gotta go with Matt Dillon. That shit still cracks me up like no other. But there is an extreme closeup on Austin's teeth in the first movie, and I remember that had me HOWLING back in the day. Good lord, you should be so proud of this list. I'm remembering this for the LAMMYs next year.

And while I've always thought Tom's old teeth were totally lopsided, I never made the astute observation of him in fact having three front teeth. Well played, good sir.

Fletch said...

Nick - ooh boy, do amputated peni sound like fun. I think I'll pass on that flick...

Kai - thanks, hermano! I don't remember Stiller's old teeth. You mean his character's in Mary or his real teeth before dental work kinda thing?

Aiden - wow, that's some high praise, man! Thanks! Yeah, Austin's teeth got a lot of screen time. They're not higher 'cause that was such an easy joke. I'm gonna remember that bit about the LAMMYs...then again, the best post award ain't gonna be around next year.

If anyone else has others that I missed, I'd love to hear 'em. That Dafoe one is good.

Vancetastic said...

What about the teeth in ... oh, I can't think of anything.

Good post!

The Film Cynics said...

First the anal imagery and now the oral fixation. Wow, Fletch, you're a font of fascinating psychoses!

Yeah, Dafoe's totally beat out Dillon's... How about the teeth of Sauron's emissary in the director's cut of Return of the King? Or "Bob" from 12 Monkeys?

Oh, and BTW, thanks for the Tom Cruise info - that's gonna haunt me from now on...

Kaiderman said...

No, I mean Stiller's old REAL teeth. Go back and check out his old grill. He looks totally different since having them fixed.

Alex said...

Oh my god I can't stop looking at Tom Cruise's crazy teeth. Goddammit.

Castor said...

Ahaha that must be one of the most original top list I have ever read! I can't even argue about any of those since there isn't much of anything else I could add to this list.

Dan said...

Never noticed Tom's teeth before but I suppose I've never been fixated by his mouth...I'm guessing that's more an attraction his female fans enjoy.

The guy from The Goonies...okay, he's No. 3 for teeth, but No. 1 for gums! ;)

Fletch said...

Vance - Oh yeah, the teeth in that film were crazy! Thanks!

Steve - I can't help it where my brain might go.

Never saw the director's cut of any LOTR flicks. I don't have that kind of time in my day...

Great call on Bob in 12 Monkeys, though! Even better yet, that reminded me of the scene where Willis turns into "some kind of fucked up dentist," which is an all-time great scene. Lots of teeth action in that flick.

Kai - alright, I'll pay special attention to the change in Stiller's teeth. My wife, meanwhile, is constantly concerned that something's wrong with Christian Bale's mouth.

Alex - Success! :D

Castor - Thanks - I did think it was a pretty cool topic, if I do say so myself.

Dan - what can I say? Tom's freaky mouth is fascinating. Here's an admission for ya - as a kid, I was freaked out my his jaw muscles. Sounds weird, I know, but watch Top Gun sometime and pay attention to how much he clenches his jaws. I think it was his acting style early on, kinda like Clooney's "looking up and down" thing that he used to do.

Heather said...

I'm with the "Mouth Of Sauron" That was wicked wicked.

Awesome and original list!

Danny King said...

I actually just watched "Adaptation" for the first time about a week ago. When I read the title of the post, Cooper's character was the first one that came to mind.

Fletch said...

@ Danny - Haha - excellent! That means I've done a good job, I think.