Survivor: Tocantins Episode 13 Recap (live blog)

D'oh - the lack of a wireless router at my parents' house has left me using TextEdit again and keeping this from being a truly live blog. But it is being written live, for whatever that's worth.

7:00: "I know I'm a dangerous player in this game." A nickel if you can guess who said it...

7:01: "I think this is the first time in this game that I'm almost speechless....almost." If only, Coach. If only.

7:06: "Everybody's now workin' on their pole." A less mature person would have a field day with this Reward Challenge. I will not succumb to such crude antics.

7:07: "Once you think your pole's long enough, start swinging it towards the sandbags." This is painful.

7:11: Wow - that was a world class monologue by Coach. After being called out by Erinn for his martyrdom "strategy" heading to Exile "Island," Coach turned into the show's chief Armchair Psychologist; that is, when he wasn't complaining about all of his many physical ailments (asthma, slipped discs, polio, AIDS, H1N1 virus, you name it). Kudos to you, Coach. Enjoy your stay on Exile - I hope you don't starve to death.

7:18: Am I the only one that thinks Coach should use his time on Exile Island to make a symbolic statement like cutting off his hair or returning to camp covered in his own blood or something? The douchebag is busy talking about Native Americans and sacrifices and normal Coachy things; perhaps he's gonna go and have a vision quest while he's out there.

7:20: Good God, it never stops! He just referred to himself in the third person (as "Coach Wade," no less) twice. Somebody get this guy his own reality show. I want to see him standing in front of his soccer team spouting off all this garbage, only to then cut to shots of infinite numbers of eye rolls from all of the players. I would definitely watch that show.

7:24: J.T. and Buster eating, showering, eating some more, yada yada yada. Nothing to see here, folks.

7:32: How much you wanna bet Coach wins this Immunity? The Gods foretold of it. I think.

7:34: By the way, in case I haven't said it lately, I'm a big, big fan of these stamina challenges where people have to endure great pain and use full concentration to win. How badly do you want it? These are much, much better than some dumb puzzle.

7:36: Meanwhile, Coach is verbal diarrhea-ing again, and Taj is winning the award for Most Eyerolls in a 60-minute television show.

7:37: And once again, the challenge comes down to Coach and J.T. Even Jeff is getting into the spirit of things, narrating the "battle" between the veteran warrior and the young listener or whatever. This is great. That is, until J.T. asks Jeff if he has any food; don't you dare give up on this challenge, J.T.!

7:38: Is it any surprise at all that Coach wears himself some toe rings?

7:38: Call the Survivor medical team and get this poor, poor man some attention! Coach, having just lost the challenge, screams and falls to the ground. I think he's suffering from dramaqueenitis. Not surprisingly, the WARRIOR/DRAGON SLAYER turns away Jeff's offer of actually bringing out the medic squad, cementing the fact that he's a big, fat, crybaby liar; of course, he says this under the guise of "oh, they'd take me away for sure." You're right, Coach - you can endure pain like no other man. You are a demigod amongst ants. A Zeus amongst peons.

7:39: Oh yeah - loved the Super Dramatic music that was playing whilst Coach was screaming in pain. How happy are the producers of the show to have gotten this guy? It's like they won the lottery three times in ten weeks.

7:47: "To this day, that has not backfired on me." Do you even need to know who said it or what it was about to get an inkling that "it" is going to backfire now? It's like Scream - once you say "Ill be right back," you've just cemented the fact that you're going to be the one that gets killed next. We can only hope (or not?) that said alliance and trust Coach has placed in Stephen and J.T. backfires on him.

7:48: To be honest, I'm truly torn. Of course, no rational human could possibly want and/or think that Coach deserves to win...but don't we need him for the final episode, specifically for the final Tribal Council? It would be goddamned priceless.

7:50: "With friend and foe, we march to the battle plain..." - Coach's poem, May 14th, 2009

7:51: "Dragon slayed." - Erinn, as she's voting for Coach.

7:51: Survey says...NOOOOOOOO!!!

Stephen flipped on Coach. The dragon slayer has indeed been slayed. I must admit, I'm a bit sad to see him go. The rest of my family, however, applauded as the last vote was read.






















Survivor news at Survivor.com
Survivor homepage at CBS.com