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Apr 16, 2009

Survivor: Tocantins Episode 9 Recap (live blog)

7:01: Boy, the producers at CBS sure must be loving the gold mine of comedy that they have in their hands in the form of Coach. Not only does he lead off an episode yet again, but the Steven Seagal clone even goes so far as to regale his fellow contestants with some wacko tale of him in the Amazon that could be straight out of a Seagal flick. Beautiful.

7:02: Says Brendan, "I don't believe this guy anymore. If I can't believe his stories, then I can't believe him." Whoa whoa whoa...back up a second. "I don't believe this guy anymore." Anymore?!? Mental note: Brendan not the brightest player out there.

7:06: Survivor: Coach rolls on, as we return from break to soothing pan flutes and the sensual images of Coach doing his tai chi or whatever in the lake. Why oh why couldn't this guy get a leg infection? Not two minutes later, the douchebaggery continued with this sequence:

* Sierra insults Coach (calling his "performance" hilarious),
* Coach professes that he doesn't "give a rip" what anyone thinks,
* In the confines of the confessional, Coach calls Sierra the "feces that exits the dragon" or some such garbage.

7:10: This challenge could not have come sooner. I don't even care what it's about.

7:11: Not 20 seconds after I type that, I hear Jeff utter the words "when you break someone's tile..." God, I hate the tile breaking challenges. Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned "make the players eat nasty things" challenges? Those were the good old days.

7:15: Was Courtney from China a bigger physical threat than Stephen aka Buster? Just putting that out there...

7:16: Let's play Guess Who Said It. The quote is "Be the wizard, Stephen. Be the wizard."

Time's up. Did you guess Coach? Right you are! The prize is "Sorry, I got nothing for you."

7:21: Meanwhile, the Drama Queen of the Week award goes to Stephen, who when struggling to make fire while on Exile "Island" actually said something about the possibility of him dying out there. Huh? Call me crazy, but I don't think it's sub-freezing temperatures even at night out there in Tocantins. Somebody get Buster his juice box, stat!

7:25: Mrs. Fletch just went on a two-minute diatribe about the evils of the Burger King/Spongebob/Sir Mix-a-lot commercial. Points for passion as it relates to pop culture, but points taken away for overreaction to a commercial that kids won't even understand, much less be impressed upon.

7:28: Pays to be charismatic. Apparently, folks just be fighting to keep J.T. in the game.

7:30: Mark it - J.T. or Tyson is winning this immunity challenge, which is of the "tied to a rope and having to weave through multiple obstacles" variety. Thankfully, Coach is just too big and uncoordinated to do well. Yay!

7:35: Supergenius! Despite a scare by Brendan, Tyson pulls out the victory. He was the wizard today, indeed.

7:40: Seriously, is CBS feeding Coach lines? This is getting ridiculous. "The wizard is turned into the Man of the Mountain."

7:42: You know what would be cool, in a stabbing myself in the ears with ice picks kind of way? A movie directed by Michael Bay, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, starring Nic Cage and Coach. C'mon folks, we've been 3/4 of the way there before - how about completing the job and really causing Armageddon for us?

7:45: Jeff really needs to be a little less obvious. Asking the players who the camp storyteller is? No surprise, it led to Coach recounting the 7 or 8 times his life has been in danger, which included everything but "being chased by a mad leprechaun whilst journeying through the 'hood one day" and "being stalked by a guy in a hockey mask."

7:50: Two votes Coach. Please please please please please....

7:52: Son of a bitch.

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7 people have chosen wisely: on "Survivor: Tocantins Episode 9 Recap (live blog)"

Nick said...

haha... I love the way you ended this.

But seriously... I totally thought Coach was going this week. And then JT ends up voting Sierra? The editors totally punk'd us. I bet Ashton helped out.

JacksSmirkingRevenge said...

LOL. Excellent Recap. I'm with ya on coach. I have known many a douchebag in my life, but I dont think I have ever met anyone who epitimizes all that douchebaggery is as much as Coach does.

Fletch said...

Nick - please go sit in the corner for making an Ashton Kutcher reference. Boo!! :p

Yeah, with all of the play he was getting, I figured Coach was a goner as well. CBS must have read where we all claimed to know who was gonna go within the first 5 minutes.

Thanks, JSR. It's true - Coach is in a class of his own. Hardest to swallow out of all of this, though, is the bomb that my mom dropped on us last night: "I don't dislike him - I think there's something likable about him."


Then again, we rarely agree all that much on who we like when it comes to Survivor. At least we all could agree on Shane...and Dreamz...and...

By the way, I am Jack's Complete Lack of Surprise. :D

Fletch said...

Oh, and I didn't even notice it until I hit Publish, but as I was typing that, a song from the Fight Club soundtrack was playing on my iPod ("Finding the bomb," to be specific). Weird...

Nick said...

I found Shane to be hilarious, though. I loved the whole 'blackberry' bit.

I didn't mind Dreamz at first, but then he really started to grate on me. And then after he effed over Yau-Man, I hated the guy.

BruSimm said...

Coach is a hoot. To one degree, you want him OUT of there. On the other hand, if he goes, where's the entertainment as one recants movies they've seen?

Robb said...

I've been a Coach defender from the beginning, but how many times can a guy refer to himself as a Dragon Slayer before you want to sucker punch him?

Unless Stephen turns on him, I think JT has this in the bag.