Survivor: China - Episode 2 Recap

Things we learned from the second episode of Survivor: China:

* Dave (occupation: Former Model) is an annoying jackass.

What a 180 I've turned since wishing him well while squaring off against Wrassler' Ashley. Before the opening credits rolled, Dave (occupation: Former Model) managed to condescend, patronize and generally made a donkey out of himself. His "leadership" skills consisted of barking out orders, being dismissive of others' ideas, and even standing apart form the group while making his commands. The only thing missing was an elevated podium, as he sure felt bigger and better than his tribe mates.

* Jean-Robert (not actually French) is either the best Survivor player ever or one of the worst.

Monsieur Jean-Robert managed to make the sloths that often appear in the transitional shots appear to be harder workers than a bartender on Cinco De Mayo. I've never seen someone have to rest from all the time they spent resting before. And his explanation (paraphrased as usual)? "I'm being lazy so they think I'm hard working when I do any shred of work later on." He also managed to boast again about his poker skills and how they were helping him. If this guy were nude and gay (and likable), he might be the new version of Richard Hatch.

* DJ Jesus has a plumbing problem and eats paper for sustenance.

While fretting over the lack of food, Leslie was brought to tears during a confessional session. The cure for her hunger, according to her? Her bible. The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. In other DJ Jesus news, she was given a clue to the hidden immunity idol, which she immediately shared with Stewardess Todd (whom she had formed an alliance with earlier, along with Johnny Utah the Surfing Instructor). I'm dying to see her reaction when she learns of Todd's sexual orientation. Let's just say that I'll bet money it won't be a positive one.

* There are only six contestants on the show at this point.

Except for the rare case where the producers throw us a curveball, the episodes are too predictable. Want to know who's not getting voted off during any given episode? Just pay attention to who's not featured. Musician Erik managed to get a sentence or two on the air, as did Amanda, but I can't say that I know enough about either of them (or a number of other contestants) to even mock them. I know - it's only an hour show. Still, it's weird how half the cast is virtually invisible for episodes at a time.

* James, heretofore known as John Coffey (see The Green Mile), is stronger than Frosti (the Snowman) and Dave (occupation: Former Model).

Just seeing if you're still paying attention. Both of the challenges were wildly physical, and to no one's surprise, hulking superhero James dominated. While both challenges had some creativity in their design (the giant rolling balls in the Reward Challenge and the battering ram in the Immunity Challenge), they were both lackluster in terms of execution. Both were predominantly made up of brute force, with a bit of mud thrown in. Meh.

* The Crouching Tiger tribe (the losing one) is chock full of bad decision makers.

For the second straight week, the Tigers voted off the wrong person. While Wrassler' Ashley looks like a fool with her lip hula hoops and watermelon chest, she was nowhere near as deserving of being snuffed out as the Former Model. Apparently, Dave has more of a hold on the tribe than we are being shown. Chicken says:

"DAMN!!"


Survivor: China homepage at CBS.com