Movies I'm Really Not Looking Forward to: Casting the Caddyshack remake

"Blasphemy!," you might be saying right now. "It was bad enough that we sat through the idiotic sequel, but a remake?"

Well, guess what? It's happening. No, I'm not breaking any news or anything, but the plain fact of the matter is that it will happen (some might already say that a version of it has) - it might not be next year or even the year after that, but let's face it: Caddyshack remains culturally relevant, a crowd-pleaser for 30 years now, and still the clubhouse leader in the poorly represented "golf movie" subgenre (Tin Cup and Happy Gilmore are left fighting it out over 2nd place).

Well, if you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em: here are my suggestions for the six plum roles, in the order of least to most important.

Danny Noonan - Sure, Danny's our protagonist, but he's also the straight man, and likely to be the youngest of the main cast members. He needs to be sympathetic without being pathetic, but in the larger sense, he needs to just not screw things up and/or divert attention away from the real stars of the movie. (Note: this was probably the hardest for me to cast. On the one hand, it's not as important, but on the other, I'm not all that familiar with early-20s actors. Going with an unknown might be the best choice.)
First choice: Aaron Johnson (Kick-Ass)
Will settle for: Zac Efron (I guess?)
Wild card: Ezra Miller, who stole nearly every scene of City Island he was in.

Carl Spackler - Yes, Bill Murray was hilarious and a good reason for the success of the original. The fact is, though, that Carl was not a major character and is not integral to the success of a remake. Carl is comic relief to the comedy, responsible for short diversions from the main plot. As legend states, his lone scene with Ty Webb wasn't even in the original script, but a last-minute addition when the producers came to the realization that Murray and Chase shared no scenes together.
First choice: Will Ferrell
Will settle for: Johnny Knoxville
Wild card(s): Zach Galifianakis, Seth Rogen, Rainn Wilson, Allen Covert (in a nod to Happy Gilmore, where he could more or less reprise his role as Otto the homeless caddy).

Lacey Underall - Cindy Morgan was eye candy, sure, but she was more than that; she brought an attitude and an edge to the role of Lacey. Serving as our gateway to this world, Lacey gave us the knowing glances that said, "What the hell am I doing here with all of these idiots?" (Ty Webb notwithstanding.) Her role is more pivotal than you might think. But yeah, she's gotta be smoking hot...and show some skin.
First choice: Amanda Seyfried
Will settle for: Megan Fox, Jessica Biel (you don't see "settle" next to their names all that often, do you?)
Wild card: Lindsay Lohan

Ty Webb - Playboy. Former pro golfer. (A bit of a) drunk. Coolest guy in the room, in any room.

Aw, who are we kidding? The top choice here is the same as the choices to play Chevy Chase's other tremendously cool character, Mr. Irwin M. Fletcher.
First choice: Ryan Reynolds
Will settle for: Bradley Cooper
Wild card(s): Aaron Eckhart, Taye Diggs

Judge Elihu Smails - There are many who would say that this is the pivotal role, that Ted Knight was the make-or-break factor to the original, and that were his role miscast it would sabotage the rest of the movie. I'm not worried about that, and I don't think he's the most important role. Pivotal, yes, but I don't think that the type of actor needed would be all that hard to find - great as Knight was, there's not exactly a shortage of middle-aged men with dramatic chops that are capable of pulling off the funny, as you can no doubt tell by the list of "settles" I've compiled.
First choice: Brian Cox
Will settle for: Bruce Willis, Forest Whitaker, John Lithgow, Paul Giamatti
Wild card(s): Meryl Streep, in kinda-sorta-Prada mode

Al Czervik - No, it's Rodney Dangerfield's shoes that are the hardest to fill. Who else can enter the frame like a bat out of hell, chew dialogue and scenery like there's no tomorrow, and still leave you wanting more? As you'll see by my first two choices, I've put less of an emphasis on age and more on the personality type needed to play an eccentric millionaire (billionaire?) that would be unwelcome at an esteemed place such as Bushwood. The wild card? That's just for fun...but think about it.
First choice: Russell Brand
Will settle for: Sacha Baron Cohen
Wild card: Nic Cage

Who would you cast?