Survivor: Gabon - Episodes 1 & 2 Live Blog/Recap

After much interal debate about whether to do Survivor recaps yet again, I have indeed decided to. Once again, it's the Survivor live blog. Starting...now! (Hit refresh for the latest posts.) If you'd like to read recaps from prior seasons (though I can't imagine why you would, what with the lack of suspense and all), click on the "recap" tag at the bottom.

7:02: Playground rules! It's up to the old folks to be the captains and pick their teams from the relative strangers around them. Bob (57) picks "Baldy" (aka Ace) first.

7:04: Baldy, a photographer, decides to "pick a model," taking Sugar, a pinup model. Easy to see which head Baldy's thinking with.

7:06: We might have a record for some of the stupidest Survivor players yet, as the reasons for choosing that some people are volunteering are just retarded. "We need three blondes." Paris Hilton is crying somewhere.

7:08: Seriously, if you were selected to appear on the show, would you EVER remotely think to wear a suit or some kind of complicated dress anywhere near the airplane to whatever exotic location you were headed to? I mean, these people know that they're headed to an island or jungle somewhere, right?

7:11: That's it - I'm getting a sex change and trying out for the 2012 Olympics. If that triathlete or whatever she is can't even get up a not-that-steep hill, I'm a lock to win a medal.

7:18: Bob, a physics professor from Maine, is wowing his tribe with his Mr. Wizard-like knowledge of camp-building, rectifying the roof and building a bench within minutes of arriving at their site. Despite taking the lead, he even seems well liked. As a bonus, he kinda looks like this guy...

7:21: The producers decided to really go outside the stereotypes, finding an Asian-American video game wiz (as if that ain't bad enough) that has some serious female issues. Shhhhhhocking.

7:23: Baldy (Ace), who "expects his check for a million dollars" and is already annoying his tribemates, is my early bet for one of the first to go. Mark it down.

7:26: I don't know his name yet, but the old guy that cut his wittle head and ended up getting the medical team out there needs to go already. It doesn't take a nurse or a doctor to know that cuts on your forehead/scalp bleed like mad. He had barely a scratch - gimme a break.

7:27: Going too fast here - time to take a little break, or this post is gonna end up being a mile long. The show is two hours, after all. Back in 15 or so.

7:35: Oh my. Ace just led a group of folks on some chakra seeking yoga meditation thing. High comedy. Now I want to be wrong and have him stay. I can't wait for the pixies and fairy dust.

7:39: First challenge...for immunity. No idea who I'm rooting for.

7:41: The Fang (pronounced Fong) tribe is 0-for-2 already. Bad news (pronounced nows) for them.

7:49: I've seen the folks at Survivor have to blur out a lot of naughty bits in the 128 seasons I've been watching for, but I don't think I've ever seen them blur camel toe as they just did with soon-to-be ousted Michelle. Hilarious. At least it was her and not 60-year old nurse/nanny/movie character Jillian.

7:57: In a move that surprised no one, Michelle (aka Negative Nancy) was the first booted from the game. There goes a season of imaginative blurring. One more hour to go!

8:02: I think G.C. needs a bigger shirt. I suggest this one.

8:16: More drama at the Fang (Fong) group, as G.C. (aka Giant Clothes) has decided to resign from his leadership role. A wise move overall, but his tact needs help. Lots of it.

8:20: Really? Exile Island again?!? At what point can we all agree and say that it was a decent idea that never turned out nearly as good as it should have? As Dan Savage might say, DTMFA.

8:22: It's early, but I think I've decided to root for Kota. I like the Fab Four (superhunk, supergay, pigtails and blondie #1) + SuperBob at this point. And hooray for them - they just won immunity (and fishing supplies) yet again.

8:30: Kota needs to be re-named Sunshine Land, apparently, as it's turned into a utopia where bacteria-laced lake water turns into Kool-Aid and deadly hippos ask if they can give you a massage. this uber-happiness will do two things if it keeps up: a) it will turn me off to liking them and b) it will cause bad, bad things for them.

8:33: Meanwhile, on Exile Planet or wherever the giant place is called, has turned into a personal hell for the dude that got sent there. Blah blah blah.

8:41: Has anyone else noticed that on the Pizza Hut commercial for their pasta, they show a bunch of supposed customers eating and remarking how good the food is, all with the disclaimer below saying "Real people on hidden camera." REAL people? Ya think? That statement means nothing. Say "Real Customers" and I'll take some stock in the phonies telling me how good your linguini is.

8:47: This has to be the worst location Survivor has chosen yet. To this point, outside of the shots of the animals (which were good, but we see those every season), there is nothing remarkable about this spot. Meadows, sand pits, random lakes - meh.

8:50: Dan (lawyer) is wearing his tie to Tribal Council. WTF?!? That would be reason enough for me to dislike him already. Aside from that, though, he just made a funny move: after being accused of having the hidden immunity idol, he quickly walked out in front of the council and emptied his bag, stating "please don't flush it out, because I don't have it." Of course he could be lying (see parenthesees above), but it was a smart move nonetheless.

8:54: Wise choice by the Fang (Fong) tribe, as they kicked Jillian (Jollian) out. One annoying accent down, one more to go (Ace).

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