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Aug 6, 2008

Imagining more sequels that...those no talent ass clowns had better not ever make

Usually in this space, I use my Hawking-like MS Paint skillz to mock a recent film that has no business ever even dreaming of the word "sequel" (Little Man, anyone?) or imagining a sequel to a film that, for whatever reason (genre, box office performance, common sense), would just never have one (Once, There Will Be Blood).

However, all the hype and subsequent letdown that was Crystal Skull, along with the latest talks of a Top Gun sequel, has me steaming. It's bad enough that John McClane was reduced to a family-friendly "Yippie Kay Yay Mother-BOOM!" - I don't know if I can stomach the thought of a group of 35-year old Goonies trolling about searching for the grave of Anne Ramsey while a 60-year old Joey Pants chases them. So, I present you with some sequels that, if the studio heads value their lives, better not happen. Ever. And if they do, I implore you to resist the temptation to fill their pockets - George Lucas already has enough money. A Star Wars: Stick Figures movie can't be that good.

And finally, one movie that's been begging for a sequel for the past 22 years:

Which potential sequels/remakes would kill a part of you?

25 people have chosen wisely: on "Imagining more sequels that...those no talent ass clowns had better not ever make"

Nayana Anthony said...

Kudos, Fletch. "Snow Man" made me laugh out loud.

Fletch said...

Gracias. You should have seen my concept for "Sleet Man."

Not pretty.

Joseph said...

Love that pez quote from Stand By Me. :)

Shannon the Movie Moxie said...

Brillant. Freaking brillant!

elgringo said...

Snowman...wow, that's great.

I'd take that Returning to Zamunda picture down. I really could see that one getting made. Hope no execs visit BlogCabins...

David Bishop said...

I actually would like a sequel to The Princess Bride. William Goldman includes the first chapter of the 'sequel' in more recent editions of his novel. Unless memory fails me, the sequel is called Buttercup's Baby. Laugh if you must, but that first chapter is intriguing. Since Goldman is a screenwriter it's not difficult to see a movie come from his work.

WaywardJam said...

elgringo's right. Murphy needs a hit for serious and latching onto his glory days may be just the ticket!

Princess Widow and Snow Man - brilliant.

A Robocop remake would make me weep inside...oh wait. A remake of The Good, The Bad & the Ugly would be sacrilege. Most films I wish never had a sequel, already have.

Fletch said...

Thanks, Shannon!

Elgringo - yea, I could see Zamunda happening, too. However, that doesn't mean it shouldn't. And if it did, it wouldn't hurt me like a Princess Bride one or Stand By Me one. Still, considering Murphy's track record as of late, it would surely suck (and be "family-friendly" - ugh).

David - There's always the possibility that a long-awaited sequel is done right and was worth doing, but what are the odds? Especially considering the magic and fond feelings so many have for Princess, I'd rather they leave well enough alone.

Wayne - if Murphy really wants to go back in time, I suggest Trading Places ONLY because the film's structure leads excellently into a "decades later" plot where Murphy is now rich and trades with some young buck. Again, he'd f it up and go family on us, but with the right people involved, it might not be a travesty.

"Most films I wish never had a sequel, already have."

True. It was pretty hard to think of these. ;) Though, as you reference with Robocop, they can even kill us by never stopping with movies already sequelled to death (coughJasoncough).

WaywardJam said...

Maybe if Rick 'Spanish' Gonzales was the young Buck it'd have a chance of succeeding.

Jason!? You wound me! I don't think I'll ever grow tired of the Friday the 13th crap factory. They nearly killed it in Part VIII and IX but then X and Vs came along and gave me reason to love it all over again.

Nick said...

I'd murder somebody if they made a sequel to The Princess Bride.

As for Eddie Murphy... if any of his older movies are ever going to get another added on, it'll probably be the Beverly Hills Cop movies. Those are just the kinds of movies that they like to make sequels to.

And as for Friday the 13th/Nightmare on Elm Street and the endless sequels... just take this in: they are no longer making sequels for either of those franchises. Instead, they're rebooting them. And Robert Englund isn't returning as Freddie... which is just going to ruin the character.

J.D. said...

That's easy: a remake of CITIZEN KANE would make me go on a kill-crazy rampage.


Fletch said...

Wayne - too shay (typing accents sucks). Spanish would be a wise choice.

Nick - Yea, but no one cares if they make Bev Hills Cop 4 (and I heard they actually were going to). 3 sucked so bad that there are no expectations of anything good out of the 4th...

...kinda like the Jason/Freddy/Halloween flicks. Perhaps that was a bad example. What I was really thinking of was Star Wars, but that was too obvious.

JD - I think you're fairly safe with Kane. I don't think anyone's dumb enough to attempt a remake or sequel to that. It's a lose-lose situation, unless maaaaaybe they went in a totally different, almost unrecognizable direction (like made it a kung-fu musical or something). But it's been 70 years or so - I don't think it's gonna happen now.

WaywardJam said...

Citizen Kane: The Kung-Fu Musical does have a nice ring to it, you may be on to something there.

Or maybe I'm just vibing off Repo! The Genetic Opera.

David Bishop said...

I still think a Princess Bride sequel can be done well so long as Reiner and Goldman are involved.

I once heard rumors of an Escape from New York remake. I wouldn't be too pleased if that became a reality.

Nick said...

wayward: Man, I can't wait for Repo!... and CK: The Kung-Fu Musical does, indeed, sound awesome...

Dead Pan said...

Just so one faithful reader knows, they are remaking Robocop and Darren Aronofsky(Pi, Requim For A Dream, The Fountaint) is directing.

Dead Pan said...

On the question of which would kill a part of me.

Annie Hall
The Graduate
One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
2001: A Space Oddysey
Psycho(oh wait someone did this)

In terms of sequels I don't see me living if they ever announce

Chasing Amy
Children Of Men
Citizen Kane
There Will Be Blood
No Country For Old Men
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Rear Window
Psycho(Oh wait, some already did this as well!)
Raging Bull
Saving Private Ryan
The Thin Red Line
Apocalypse Now
The Conversation
All The Presidents Men
Pans Labrynth

And I think I am going to stop there as my mind is about to explode.

Fletch said...

David - didn't they already kill a part of you with Escape from LA (a la Bev Hills cop 3)? Could another sequel really hurt that much more?

Deadpan - yep, I was up on the Robocop news, too. Veeeerrrrry interesting choice for director. Automatically gives the project some dignity, and interests even an indifferent Robocop fan as me (the first was good, but I could live my whole life and never see it again - I'd rather watch Freejack).

And that's a lot of flicks. Couple of funny choices on there (I'm being liberal here)...

Annie Hall - remade...as When Harry Met Sally

The Graduate - remade as The Pallbearer (and I'm one of four people that has seen both!)

2001 - had an actual sequel (2010: The Year We Make Contact).

Rear Window - remade as Disturbia

I'm sure others could help to list off other "remakes."

Dead Pan said...

gotcha! In my first list I was referring to remakes and the 2nd list was referring to sequels.

I kinda agree with the Annie Hall/When Harry Met Sally thing, but I think there are enough differences for them not to be realized as a remake.

Have never heard of The Pallbearer though, so I might have to check that one out.

Fletch said...

No - don't check out The Pallbearer. It's really not worth it.

Fox said...

Ha! Well done Fletch.

The Bigger one actually freaks me out.

Anonymous said...

Ferris must have a sequel but it must be done right!!! I'd love to know where they all wound up. Sounds like somebody needs to start a screenplay.

Dead Pan said...

haha, thanks for the warning. I looked it up on IMDB after I commented and just shook my head thinking to myself "that's not gonna happen".

Fletch said...

Thanks for stopping by, cancer (gotta shorten that somehow). I couldn't agree more - Hughes would have to be involved, as well as all three principals (or at least Ruck in addition to Broderick). It would probably feel similar to Office Space in this day and age, but I'd be first in line regardless. The only other downside is that the two guys were so much older than high school when Ferris was made (especially Ruck, who I believe was about 30) that they couldn't pull off being younger than 45-50 for a sequel.

Shawn - yea, Schwimmer is not exactly an appealing lead. I guess he fit the awkward, Hoffman-esque qualities, but still is a meh.

Daniel G. said...

Seriously, none of these can be ruled out...

Limo Driver might be one of the best ones you've ever done.