Survivor: Micronesia (Fans vs. Favorites) Episode 1 recap

Well, it's back, and you know when I say that that I'm not referring Survivor, but to something much more important: the Survivor recaps. Here lie my thoughts, brought to you in easy-to-read (and easy-to-write) bulleted list form, because we all live random thoughts much more than cohesive paragraphs.

* Let's get this out of the way pronto: what a load of crap. I would have laid out many a clam that Mr. John Fairplay didn't even have a girlfriend, much less a 7-month pregnant one. When the guy shows up wearing a "Will Lie 4 Food" hat, I'm fully prepared to hear him, you know, lie about stuff. Instead, we got a guy who appeared to be high on any number of drugs, flip-flopping his emotions faster than the tide moves. What a lame showing, and as a result, where I previously was glad to see him, now I'm just glad to see him gone.

* I would like a list of greater than five names of people who had ever consider Eliza as one of their "favorites." You're joking, right? Whiny, hyper, annoying - this girl talks so much you'd think she had a triple latte mochaspressachino IV. Someone please find the nearest horse tranquilizer and shoot it right into one of her eyes (they're big enough targets).

* Was that a little harsh?

* Survivor really outdid themselves this year with their resident crazy person. To be fair, it seems like the golf cart lady is just from a really small town and doesn't know any better, and at least she doesn't come off as hateful - just wildly ignorant. And that's okay. But wow - crying in back-to-back episodes? I can't decide if she needs to go now or stay and be crazy for a lot longer. I sense a Lunchlady-like learning experience in store for her. Perhaps she's a closet Tae Kwon Do master?

* That kid with the 70s wavy hairdo bugs me on principle alone. He looks like a cross between Christopher Atkins (from The Blue Lagoon) and Isaac from Hanson.

* Look - I have no problem with people that wear nipple rings, just as I had no problem with people that wear eyebrow rings (like last season's wrassler) - it's not my bag, but I'm fine if it's yours. But really, how dumb is it to wear one out into the jungle, for a game that will involve LOTS of (random and unpredicatable) physical contact over the next few days/weeks? My nipples hurt just thinking about that thing getting ripped out of there, and don't tell me yours don't as well. Eghghh.

* Okay, I did enjoy it when Fairplay asked Jeff for a hug. That was pretty funny.

* Was naming this season Survivor: Silicone not an option? You'd be forgiven for thinking you were watching Nip/Tuck on the Beach if you were just flipping channels.

* What, no zany (lame) slo-mo action effects for the challenge? I was really hoping to see a *pling* when each tire was assembled.

* In closing, I'll just say that I really am geared up for this season. Though I really wish they'd quit saying "Fans" or "Favorites" every third word, the concept is good, and though the faves didn't win last night, they ought to have the upper hand for the first half of the game (been there, know to work hard, etc.), only to give the advantage back to the noobies for the second half (post merge) when the fans will be able to use their knowledge of the favorites to their benefit (i.e. don't trust Jonathan Penner at all). Let's just hope no one else "quits." What an insult to true fans of the show.

P.S. - Don't forget to catch Robb's (see comments) recaps as well on his site. Good stuff, and less snarky than me.