Fletch's Film Review: The Lincoln Lawyer

Everyone loves a good lawyer movie. Criminal lawyers are the chess masters of the judicial system, only their rooks and pawns are peoples' lives and futures. They're plainly more intelligent than the rest of us, though with those smarts often comes a loss of scruples. The only thing we love more than a lawyer is a smarmy lawyer, and if he's a smarmy defense attorney who can reconcile the fact that he's constantly defending "scumbags" and/or "dirtbags," even better.

I wanted to get into the heads of these guys a bit more - what makes them tick, and more importnatly, what is it that brings about these metamorphases that they go through? So, in place of a traditional review, I decided to gather them for a group interview. And trust me, with the busy schedules of these gentlemen, doing that was a bitch. Joining me today are, in no special order, Martin Vail (Primal Fear), Keven Lomax (The Devil's Advocate), Willy Beachum (Fracture), and of course, Mick Haller (The Lincoln Lawyer). Please keep in mind that I had the need to speak frankly about their respective cases, so if you don't want the verdicts spoiled for you, tread lightly.


Blog Cabins (BC): Gentleman, thank you so much for joining me. Please, fellas, whatever you do, don't object to these proceedings!

All: [groan]

Haller: Listen here, Fletch. We can't guarantee that we'll give you a good interview, or what's more likely, that you'll be a good interviewer, but I can promise you this: if you treat us with honesty and integrity, we'll move worlds for you, doing everything in our power to get you off.

BC: Well. Thanks for that, I think. Anyway...Mick, first question for you, since you're the latest addition to this group. Obviously, you have eschewed the traditional office in favor of being chauffeured (by a loyal, streetwise African-American fellow) around Los Angeles. Why is that?

Haller: It's fairly simple, actually. Despite my appearance - the Rolex, the $3,000 suits, all that - I consider myself a man of the people, and I can't think of a better way to mingle with them than in the staunch L.A. traffic. Believe it or not, it also frees up a ton of time, so I'm able to earn more money that way, separating my income further from the common man.

BC: Very smart thinking all around. However, I noticed something lacking in your back seat. Namely, one of those donut cushions or whatever they call them for people with hemorrhoids - I imagine that the "people" that you have most in common with are truckers and their dumpers.

Haller: [laughs nervously] Yeah...I'm gonna go ahead and plead the Fifth on that one.

BC: I thought you might. Willy, you also happen to be an inhabitant of the City of Angels. No driver for you?

Beachum: Shoot, I'm just a government employee - I can't afford nothin' like that.

BC: Interesting that you should say that, though, since I couldn't help but notice that it appears that you and Mr. Haller live in the same neighborhood, if not on the same street.

Beachum: Yeah, that little tidbit wasn't lost on me, either. Hey there, Mr. Lincoln Lawyer, did you really have to steal the entire setup of my movie?

Haller: How dare you compare yourself to me! For the record, people, I should not ever be associated with employees of the District Attorney's office. I mean, look at that guy Minton from my movie! He looks less like a lawyer and more like Leisure Suit Larry! And did you see that hair?

BC: He brings up a good point, Mr. Beachum. However [to The Lincoln Lawyer], it should be noted that Willy was all set to join a swanky private firm and join your side before his conscience got the better of him.

Haller: Alright, alright, alright...

BC: Now, Mr. Lomax, your situation appears at first to be the most complex - what with having Satan as a father and all that - but that little tidbit helps to explain where you ended up possibly the easiest.

Lomax: Definitely. Like Willy, I was a winner. Never lost a case. But when you learn that your Mom and wife were raped by Beelzebub and he's your father, you either go all-in and join the guy or recognize the error of your ways and learn to live a better life. There's really no middle ground.

BC: Indeed. Some harrowing stuff there. Though, it must be asked...how tempted were you to, uh, have carnal relations with your step-sister or whatever she was? I mean, your wife was already dead, and damn was she smoking hot...

Lomax: You forget that by choosing the path that I chose, I got to relive my life starting back at the beginning of my story, so my lovely wife was still alive.

BC: So true - good call.

Lomax: But really, I was like thisclose to doing it, incest or not. I would have had to be crazier than my loony wife to have not seriously considered it.

BC: While we're on the subject of women and superficiality, I have to ask, Martin...I look around at the leading ladies of your peers here, and I see women that look like Charlize Theron, Connie Nielsen, Marisa Tomei, Rosamund Pike, and....Laura Linney? I mean, no offense to Ms. Linney, but she's just a hotter version of Bonnie Hunt, which ain't exactly saying a whole hell of a lot. And she hated you!

Vail: Do you remember my former client, a mob informant named Joey Pinero? Big guy, good at pool, great taste in music, ended up dead?

BC: Sure.

Vail: Ask me something like that again and I'll have his brothers after you. Janet Venable is a class act and, I'll have you know, quite the racehorse in bed.

BC: Point taken. That reminds me, though, Mr. Haller -

Haller: Shoot.

BC: You seemed to have a large collection of bikers available to you at your beck and call, conveniently showing up whenever you needed them. Do these guy have nothing better to do than drive around looking for the one black Lincoln with you in the back seat? I mean, how do they find you anyway? There are like eight million cars on the road, aren't there? Why don't they just call? I'm so confused...

Haller: You know how I paid off that paparazzi guy to show up when I needed him to make me look good? Well, same line of thinking. I've got those guys on retainer. I page Eddie [the leader] - yeah, I know, who uses pagers any more these days? - with my location, and they come and find me. They're a plot device, but bigger than that, they make me look like a street tough in front of Earl. I'm constantly faced with the fear of him turning on me.

BC: Seriously? If that's the case, why don't you just drive yourself around all of the time?

Haller: A) Having him around also makes me look like a bit of a badass, and B) I don't know if you noticed this or not, but I'm a bit of an alcoholic...

BC: Indeed I did. In fact, all of you seem to be pretty heavy drinkers; if not all the time, at least when the chips are down.

Beachum: Alcohol is cool, and helps us get women. Well, except for Marty, obviously...

Vail: You snot-nose mother#$!@%er!! If you don't watch it, I will knock your ass into next week!

Beachum: [speaking in a Southern accent] Calm d-d-d-down, Marty. Will you t-t-t-tell Miss Venable I'm sorry?

Vail: [speechless]

BC: Alright, that's enough, guys. In fact, this is going a bit long, so how 'bout you guys [points to Lomax, Beechum, and Vail] close this out with your rating of The Lincoln Lawyer?

Lomax: F

Beechum: F

Vail: F

BC: Smarmy, egotistical bastards...

Fletch's Film Rating:

	Expectation: "Darn tootin."
	Reality: "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

LAMBScore: