Survivor:China Episode 12 recap

No foreplay - let's get right down to it. Expect typos galore.

7:01: "Hooray," said the remaining six tribe members, now that the powerful James was gone. Oh, but wait - after watching the six of them "celebrate" their making the final 6, I can't help but despair the fact these we're left with a really boring group. Only Todd and Courtney bring much personality to the table, and they have a tendency (or in the case of Courtney, a lifestyle) to be pretty annoying. Blah.

7:05: Todd: "I'm not an emotional person at all." Isn't having no emotion an emotion?

7:06: Reward Challenge time already. Surprise! The castaways are paired with family members. Finally, we get to see if Courtney is capable of being decent to another human.

7:08: We get to see where PG gets her looks from. Apparently that family does not believe in dentists.

7:09: Todd's a liar. He's crying like a schoolgirl. And he was doing that before his little sister decided to tell him that another sister of theirs had a miscarriage. Nice timing on the news, sis. Right before the challenge. Oops.

7:10: Courtney's dad is English. Interesting. Nothing to add here, really.

7:10: Denise's husband - shockingly! - looks like Barney Rubble. He goes perfectly with her Fred Flintstone toga thing.

7:11: By the way, Sprint is (horrendously) sponsoring this challenge. Jeff almost vomited as he was schilling. Wait, nope - that was just his soul leaving his body.

7:12: Excerpts from Courtney during the challenge: "Daddy, where the hell are you?" "Oh stop it, Probst!" That British charm did NOT rub off.

7:14: Barney and Fred win the challenge, and Lunchlady Land takes Todd/sis and Amanda/sis on the reward, as well as the SPRINT PHONE that they just won. It's a BLACKBERRY, by the way. This blog post is being sponsored by Chad from Alltell, by the way. The four dorky guys are standing outside my house looking angry right now.

7:19: It would be too easy to make a joke about Fred and Barney doing all the eating on the boat they're on with Todd, Amanda and their respective family members. So I won't. But all six of them did just scream when a cake appeared. This was immediately followed by the SPRINT PHONE ringing. The Sprint executives are pulling the plug on future sponsorships as we speak. Sprint phones - they make you scream!

7:21: Meanwhile, back at camp, PG bitches about not being chosen. But that's not nearly as bad as Erik and Courtney openly doubting the fact that Todd's sister had a miscarriage. Wow - that's f*cked up. If they're wrong, they're going straight to hell. Well, you know - Courtney's probably headed in that direction anyway.

7:24: No surprise - Todd confirms that it was true. Sayonara, Courtney and Erik.

7:27: I was checking my site statistics just now and saw that someone in Virginia did a Google search for "survivor reaction to baby dying." Okaaaaay.

7:29: Denise is walking around in a tank top. A wet tank top. An olive colored tank top. I think I'm going blind, or at least I wish I was.

7:31: Immunity Challenge! Please don't be brought to us by Tampax. Please don't be brought to us by Tampax. Please don't be brought to us by Tampax.

7:32: What a crock. The first challenge since James got voted off, and it's mostly physical. How convenient. They are asked to wade through a swampy pool, climbing over and under some poles and such, then untie some ropes, get some keys, answer some questions, etc, etc. Todd and Amanda take an early lead. So long as PG doesn't win, I'm fine.

7:36: It's down to Todd or PG. Todd makes his way back and...no dice. PG has a 50/50 shot and...she effing wins. Spectacular. In all seriousness, kudos to her - this was pretty physical, and she whupped 'em all. Erik should be neutered for his performance.

7:37: "Look! It's a Sprint commercial," says Mrs. Fletch. I wish I was joking.

7:43: Erik is trying - poorly - to sway people. Then again, his stammering, quasi-retarded way of persuading people may just work - after all, what kind of a threat would he be to take to the finals? A potential preview:

Jury member at finals: "Erik - you stabbed me in the back all along - why should I vote for you to win?"

Erik: "Well, I, uh, you know, I mean, uh, I'm nice...and, uh, I'm a virgin."

7:48: Oh, the drama - who will go? Unfortunately, since I'm doubting that Courtney will be going, I can't say that I care all that much who goes. But wait - Erik's plea! "I, like, wanna be here tomorrow. It'd be swell and hunky dory and all that. I like you guys. You know, keep me if you want." I've changed my mind - I'm ready for Erik to go.

7:50: Sounds like Todd is headed out...

7:52: And the loser is...Erik. Again, why is it that all the contestants make a big fat hairy deal about the "strong men" dominating in the game? There are five people left - four women and Todd, who's smaller than 2 of the women (at least). Gimme a break - time to start voting off the smallest people first.

7:56: Ever see The Score with Ed Norton and Robert DeNiro? I've decided that Erik reminds me of Norton as "Brian," his mentally challenged alter ego. Stammering, kinda cute, harmless, and slow - yep, that's him alright. I couldn't even tell you one word he said in his final speech. Godspeed, Erik. We'll barely notice your absence.

Next week, however, is the showdown we've all been waiting for - Amanda vs. Todd. Sounds good...

Survivor: China homepage at CBS.com