Survivor: China - Episode 14 Recap (The Finale)

If I were into emoticons or smileys or whatever you choose to call them, I might bust out some sort of crying one or say ":weep: - is it that time already?"

Yes, Survivor: China has come to a close, with a finale that seemed to be unpredictable at times, but really ended up right where many thought (and hoped) it would - with the "scheming strategist (fill in alliterative synonym for "scheming" or "strategist" here)" Todd pulling out the victory over Amanda and Courtney.

What's this? Giving away the ending prior to recapping the events? Yes, with such an unpredictably predictable finale, my desire for a cohesive review has gone out the window; instead, I give you a series of unrelated thoughts I had/have about the final episode of this season (and even some about next season). Where to start?

* After the jury had said their peace and prior to the votes being read, I had convinced myself that Courtney was going to win. Amanda blew any chance she had of winning at the two tribal councils - between the Denise/Todd "burn" at the first and her horrible answers/body language/you name it at the final council, she took lemonade and turned it into lemons. Meanwhile, Todd (a scheming strategist, by the way) might have gotten more propers from me for being a scheming strategist had he not pounded anyone in earshot (tribemates and audience alike) with that fact. Son, if you're that good, you don't need to be telling us about it at every chance. Courtney, on the other hand, played it cool, more or less agreeing with the criticism and turning it into a positive: "You don't think I belong(ed) here? Neither did (do) I - but I am - what does that say about you, me and the game?" Well played, Queen Bitch.

* Speaking of bitchiness, the line about Denise "sucking at life" was simultaneously one of the funniest and meanest in the show's history. It was also true. For Denise to play the "woe is me" card to Amanda was purely pathetic. Don't like your place in life? Do something about it - which I guess you did, by going on Survivor and subsequently losing your job.

* Before you think of me as cold and heartless as Courtney, I'll say that I truly feel bad that Denise lost her job. The excuse about her "being a distraction" smacks of utter bullsh*t (really, how long would the "fame" last? A week? Two?); that said, I'm all for Mark Burnett donating to her cause, but it was wrong to do it on national television, especially considering the other losing contestants. How fair is that to them (or other potential charity cases from seasons past)? I'd be pissed if I were in there shoes.

* One potential charity case from a past season is Lydia the fishmonger form Survivor: Guatemala. Earlier tonight, I was reading the rumors for next season, which was said to be an All-Star variety and she was amongst the names listed. So much for the rumor site I read, as it listed a cast of 20 former players to be featured next season. Looks like that ain't happening, as I can't see there being more than 20 total players, and half of them will be "Fans" (which seems a bit redundant - I know not every contestant is a fan of the show, but aren't most?). Anyhow, from the list of rumored names, the ones I'd hope to see next season are: James (China), Yau-Man (Fiji), Ozzy (Cook Islands) and Shane (Panama).

Ok, I'm joking about Shane - I'd only want him if Courtney from this season was also included (both were rumored), as seeing those two personalities on the same season would warrant watching the show on its own.

* The final Immunity Challenge was horrendous. Just plain awful, and made even worse by the fact that the location of the show and the things they were balancing share the same name. But really, who gives a rat's posterior if the survivors can hold a stick stacked with plates and bowls steady for 45 minutes?? I'd rather watch them try to start a fire. Then again, at least there weren't any cheesy special effects this time around.

* Speaking of things the show needs to cut, the "let's go on a tour of the losers and pretend we care that they're gone" segment of the finale needs to go badly. Not much more to add here - it's been the most boring part of the finale since the second season.

* It's really interesting and kind of funny to see which jurors go peaceful with their question/comment and which get nutty. I always expect the ones most recently stung (in this case Denise and PG) to be appropriately bitter, however the nuttiest of them all had to be Jaime, the longest-standing jury member. It seemed as though she was trying to prove a point, but just never really had one to begin with. What exactly were you mad about, Jaime? Your tribe didn't have the numbers, and thus you got ousted (due mostly to your mesmerizing spell over the virgin). What's the problem?

* Finally, on a happier note, I'm thrilled that James not only got featured in People magazine, but that he won an extra $100,000. Hopefully, that will make the pain of his knowing that he made one of the all-time blunders in the show's history go down a little better. Hope to see you next season, John Coffey.

Survivor: China homepage at CBS.com