Survivor: China - Episode 3 Recap

One of two things is happening. Either the producers of Survivor are losing their edge, or I'm really slow and just picking up on the show's rabid predictability. Maybe they've done this all along and I've never noticed, but something about the pre-credits sequence told me immediately that the tribe that was featured (Crouching Tiger, aka whichever team had won the last two weeks) would be the one that lost the challenge. I said it aloud immediately, and (spoiler alert!) I was right.

Speaking of Crouching Tiger, I realize that they are trying to pay tribute to the locale when naming the tribe's, but couldn't they have come up with easier to remember names? I can probably name most of the castaways at this point, but have no clue what the tribe's names are (Fey Long? Who Dat? Who Cares?).

Anyway, on to the game. The aforementioned initial sequence centered on Jean-Robert (not French) and his oh-so-annoying habits around camp, chief of which is his hibernating-bear-like snoring. Waaa. Sure, the guy is lazy and obnoxious, but snoring is a major plot point and a reason to vote someone out? (Sad Stick Figure Courtney actually cited this reason when writing her vote.) Please.

The theme for much of the rest of the episode was "more of the same." Next up was a trip to the Hidden Dragon camp (Dave, PG, et al), where we were treated yet again to SUPERGENIUS Dave (Occupation: Former Model) having to endure the never ending stoopidity of his tribe mates as he was forced to "do everything myself, 'cause it's easier than explaining it to you idiots" (as always, I'm paraphrasing when quoting). What an obnoxious ass. I don't care if he works harder than Paul Bunyan, this guy is as pompous as they come and would get my vote if he were on my tribe.

More of the same at the Reward Challenge, as it focused on brute strength (throw the other team off a boat, more or less) and John Coffey (James) dominated as usual - to an almost comedic effect, even. However, as the challenge was split into men vs. men and women vs. women, with the women going first in a best-of-five, the Hidden Dragon team prevailed. Also: Former Model stripped down to his birthday suit, though it wasn't necessarily out of vanity - it was a misguided and ultimately unsuccessful ploy to keep people from having anything to grab onto.

As winners of the challenge, Hidden Dragon got to steal a member of the other tribe - they chose DJ Jesus, heretofore known as Sister Christian (as she was called by some of her Crouching Tiger mates - I really wish I'd thought of that first). She was thrilled to go over to such a happy camp, as it was filled with other Christians and had "a really good vibe. They all get along really well." Ha! Apparently, Former Model Dave (who told her he wouldn't swear) was really on his best behavior, because from what we've seen so far, the Dragons are in a constant state of tension (thanks to Dave), while the Tigers seem much more at ease (save for Jean-Robert). Either way, they fooled her and she shared secrets about her tribe. She then returned the favor that Horse Teeth (forgot her name - Jamie?) gave her last week and gave her the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Things really got funny at the Immunity Challenge, though. Since the Tigers had sat out "munchkins" Stewardess Todd and Sad Stick Figure (SSF) in the Reward Challenge, they were forced to play here. The challenge started with four tribe mates chopping at some wood (one at a time) to get to some rope, then chop the ropes and so on. After all that was done and there were four sets of puzzle pieces retrieved, the remaining two members would have to complete the puzzle and then drag their constructed puzzle across the finish line.

Right off the bat, the Tigers send out SSF to chop at her post. Oops. As she has 0% muscle to go along with her 0% body fat, SSF struggles so mightily that the Dragons nearly finish the challenge before she gets to a rope. I highly recommend tracking down the video and watching this. Apparently, the sword she was wielding weighed more than she did, as the hacks she was attempting could have been bested by a 5-year old, to be sure. More hilarity was granted to us as the producers decided to do a split-second freeze frame right as each contestant chopped at their rope. High comedy and very lame.

So, the Dragons won their first immunity challenge. Dave lives to see a few more days. Back at the losing camp, much discussion was made over whether to get rid of Jean-Robert, SSF or Sister Christian. Sadly, we heard from just about everyone there except for Lunchlady Land, as I guess the producers are embarrassed for having put her on the show. Poor thing. At Tribal Council, the Tigers vote off Sister Christian. Damn, I'll never get to know what she thinks of Todd.

Survivor: China homepage at CBS.com