Survivor: China - Episode 1 Recap

Well, I'm going to try to add another (short-lived) feature here, one that I will no doubt be unable to keep up with, especially as it seems that the bulk of the "features" here are back-loaded towards the end of the week, and I only have so much time in the days. That said, the recaps probably won't be terribly long, but I'm a big fan of the show, so here goes. I won't give you a guide to the people or major bios or anything, as I figure you either watch the show or you don't - if not, enjoy the random words and pretty pictures and spend your time awaiting the next non-Survivor post.


The theme for this season of Survivor? Stupidity, apparently.

As we meet up with our castaways, they are being taken on a journey from Shanghai to a remote Buddhist temple. They receive a warrior's welcome, and are then asked to partake in a "welcome ceremony" (Jeff Probst's words) inside a temple. It doesn't take long for two of the "castaways" to alienate their hosts (and most likely, a number of viewers) as a young waitress from NYC thinks it's all just so dumb and a Christian radio show host feels as though the ceremony is infringing upon her personal relationship with the Jesus and must leave the temple.

Shortly after the ceremony, Jeff tells the group to ditch their suitcases, grab their buffs and head towards their respective islands. Oops - a number of morons are wearing not-so-jungle attire, including WWE wrestler Ashley (pictured at right) wearing knee-high boots and fishnet stockings, and another woman wearing heels. Additionally, a perky blonde states "I'm like totally not wearing a bra, Jeff" (I'm paraphrasing), to which Jeff responds "Tough sh*t." What a magical season we're in for.

Fast forward to the tribes' arrival at their camps, where we find the usual confusion/slackery behavior. Meanwhile, the unironically named "Chicken" (he's a chicken farmer - get it?) manages to first turn bossy ("You're doing it all wrong"), then ornery ("Do what you want"), and then just clams up. Way to ingratiate your backwoods charms upon your tribe mates, Chicken.

Up until the immunity challenge is filled with the seasonal getting-to-know-you stuff, with professional poker player Jean-Robert (pictured, not French despite the name) making friends with a gay Mormon flight attendant, telling him "I can tell you're clever. I like you, Billy." Whatever. Also, "I'm a surfer, but also a leader" guy just comes off as generally annoying.

Nothing spectacular happens at the challenge, with the Crouching Tiger team beating the Hidden Dragon team (or vice versa - who knows or cares at this point). Upon arrival at their camp, young PG immediately bursts into tears as she realizes how lame her team is. This rubs the team the wrong way, as she is next seen bossing them around. I feel for her, as she is right to worry, but maybe not the best of strategies there, PG.

At Tribal Council, everyone busts on wrassler Ashley as the big, tough girl managed to get "violently ill" immediately after arriving and coincidentally didn't do much of any work. Actually sick or brilliant ploy? You be the judge. However, her breasts (and the attached head) are saved from the chopping block as Chicken managed to piss off enough people to get axed. Dumb again, losers. Chick may have been unwise to become prickly, but he was strong, smart (in the survival sense, at least) and was a hard worker. Instead, the dance team will go on to lose next week for sure.

More sad news: it looks like my favorite competitor (so far), the quiet gravedigger James, has decided to hook up with DJ Jesus. Please see the light, James - you help so many other people to do just that.

Next week: Dave (occupation: "Former model") takes on the wrassler. Awesome. Kick ass, Dave.