Movies I'm Really Not Looking Forward To - Full House: The Movie

Consider this the first in what could be a never-ending series. I imagine that the trend will be to spotlight other TV shows that will inevitably be made into crappy movies (Just the Ten of Us, anyone?), but for now, let's just settle in on this one.

In the spirit of movies no one ever wanted to see like The Beverly Hillbillies, Leave it to Beaver, and George of the Jungle, I can't help but think of the inevitability that the studio execs of tomorrow, no doubt at a loss for original material, will be more than happy to dig into the dregs of 80s and 90s television for ideas. First on the list? Full House. One of the pioneers of ABC's "TGIF" block of family-oriented programming (along with Perfect Strangers, Just the Ten of Us, and Mr. Belvedere), House will probably end up being best known as the vehicle that launched the "careers" of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but it was actually a pretty big success on its own, on the air from 1987-1995, furthering the career of John Stamos and giving Bob Saget a segue into his later hosting and stand-up careers. Dave Coulier, meanwhile, just ended up being the guy getting blasted by Alanis Morrissette in her 1995 hit "You Oughta Know." Oh well, they can't all be winners.

So...if you were a casting agent and were asked to put together the ensemble for a Full House flick to be released in the near future, who would you pick?

Keep in mind the relative profile of the project. Brad Pitt as Uncle Jesse? Jessica Alba as Aunt Becky? Not a chance in hell. Also, while physical resemblances to the original characters may be nice, they are by no means a necessity or a prerequisite.

Okay, enough foreplay. I present to you the cast of Full House: The Movie.

Danny Tanner
Danny is a loving, caring, father of three daughters. He also hosts a morning talk show ("Wake Up, San Francisco") with Rebecca Donaldson (aka the future Aunt Becky). He's also boring, vanilla, lame and somewhat annoying. But he's nice.
The Realistic Pick: David Schwimmer
The Alternate: Luke Wilson
The Dream: Steve Carell



Uncle Joey
Not really an "Uncle," Mr. Gladstone is Danny's best friend from way back, a wannabe stand-up comedian and big-time hockey fan. He later goes on to form some sort of jingle producing company with Uncle Jesse, which leads to much wacky zaniness and jingles. Joey's sorta pudgy, really friendly, does a mean badger (squirrel? moose?) impression and lives in the basement. Not coincidentally, he doesn't date much.
Realistic Pick: Rainn Wilson
Alternate: Dane Cook
2nd Alternate: John Krasinski



Uncle Jesse
Danny's wife was killed by a drunken driver prior to the shows airing. It's the setup for the show, the reason why three doofi are raising three little girls. Danny's wife's little brother is Jesse Katssdfksdjfsdpolis, a Greek, Elvis-loving, mullet-wearing rock 'n' roller who likes to crack wise and is generally seen as the "cool one" in the house (somehow...despite the mullet. Oh well, I guess that will just have to be changed for the film).
Realistic Pick: Adrien Grenier
Alternate: Freddie Prinze, Jr.
2nd Alternate: Matt LeBlanc


Aunt Becky
Pretty much the lone adult female on the show, Aunt Becky has her hands full. De-facto Aunt to Danny's kids, she's also his co-host. Then she dates and later marries Jesse, and they have twins. It's a wonder she didn't go on a murder spree - living with three adult men and 5 children in the same house (not to mention a dog)? Ugh.
Realistic Pick: Tiffani Amber-Theissen
Dream: Jessica Biel


DJ
Looking big picture, I don't think the casting of the kids is nearly as important as the adults. Throw a few adorable moppets into the roles that can act halfway decent and you'll be just fine. Hey, it worked for The Brady Bunch Movie - they had six unknowns and relied on the brilliance of Gary Cole (and the fine job by a normally-hated-by-Fletch Shelley Long) to carry the flick. Anyway, it's hard to replace Candace Cameron, but we'll have to try. DJ started out as a somewhat pudgy annoyance to her younger sister, Stephanie, but turned into a responsible young adult who helped raise her younger sisters and cousins. Good for her.
Realistic Pick: Miley Cyrus
Alternate/Dream: Dakota Fanning


Stephanie
Full of annoying catchphrases (that, thankfully, I can't recall right now), adorable little Stephanie Tanner couldn't help but get into trouble. She also fought constantly with her big sis, with whom she had to share a room.
Realistic Pick: Elle Fanning
Alternate/Wild Card: Bindi Irwin


Michelle
As my (make believe) movie would be set somewhere around the second or third year of the show's existence, little Michelle would still pretty much be a toddler. As such, I have no recommendation other than to find a pair of twins (naturally) that somewhat resemble the Olsens. As long as they're remotely cute (and most 3-year olds are, right?), it won't matter.


Kimmy Gibler
Thought I'd forgotten about her, didn't you? How could I forget the character that created the mold later filled by Jenna Von Oy as "Six" on Blossom. In other words, the annoying teen aged neighbor/friend. Maybe she didn't create it - either way, she turned it into an art form. Unfortunately, I've pretty much run the gamut of my child actor knowledge with the picks for DJ and Stephanie, so I have no idea who to cast here. If you have some ideas, be sure to leave a comment. Yeah, I'm disappointed, too.


Finally, a bonus for you. While "researching" this post, I was lucky enough to have been pitched a narrative for the movie by an internets friend of mine. Consider yourself blessed to hear it as well - its' that good (maybe). I've added to a bit as well. I can't wait for the movie!!

"Comet (the dog) runs away and somehow ends up on TV in New York. The Tanner clan heads across America to get him. Along the way, they bond as a family and grow as people. As it turns out, Comet was picked up by some young actress (who has a weakness for hockey-loving bad stand-ups) hitchhiking across America. Comet probably ran off in the first place after Stephanie got mad and yelled at him. Losing him will teach her a valuable lesson. While in New York, they run into Quincy Jones and Al Roker, who are playing badminton at the park where the clan finally finds Comet. Through a series of clever wise cracks by Michelle, Stephanie, and to a lesser extent, DJ, along with some smooth talking by Danny and Jesse, Quincy hooks up Jesse and the Rippers (his band) with that big audition the band has been waiting for. This could be their big break! Meanwhile, Al likes Danny's style and gets him and Becky an audition with Good Morning, America! In the end, they'll realize that their true home is in San Francisco, and when they arrive back at the house, Jesse will have already quit the Rippers to be a stay at home dad for his soon-to-arrive twins. As a bonus, in a move that makes everyone happy, while in NY, Kimmy runs into a big shot lawyer (named Mr. Bacon), falls in love, and stays out east (he helps her with her emancipation paperwork to boot). Everyone wins."

The End

By the way, thanks to all who contributed to this post by offering up their suggestions for the various characters. It was fun. Also, if you have any suggestions for future TV shows for this segment, be sure to email or comment. Some that are running around in my head are: Perfect Strangers, Golden Girls, and Night Court)