TGITDNMAR (6/27/08 & 7/1/08)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

You might be wondering what this post is doing here on a Monday. Well, I missed it on Friday, and this week's lone wide release is coming on Wednesday, so I figured I might as well split the difference and combine them both for what you see here now.

Wanted
Cubicle drone pulled from his boring existence into a world of intrigue and danger? Check. Smoking hot raven-haired beauty as a love interest/experienced member of secret society? Check. Leadership/introduction given by wise elder (of color)? Check. Special effects that revolve around bullets? Check?

Could this have possibly been any more of a Matrix ripoff? Why does this not bother everyone to the point of boycotting it? It's not as though the source comic came out before the Keanu-led actioner, so there's really no excuse for a 'remake' of the Wachowski brothers' classic less than ten years from its release date. Ugh, this pisses me off.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 15%, or equal to the chance that someone like James McAvoy would ever end up with someone like Angelina Jolie.

Wall*E
I've seen the early scores from the fine folks at the LAMB for this, and let me tell you, were LAMBScores not such a new feature over there, I'd be crowing about Wall*E setting a record for the highest scores yet. The worst score I've seen so far is 4.5/5, and one person is even trying to give it a 6/5 rating.

My interest in seeing this has always been little more than marginal, but I must say, I feel compelled to see it now. I just wish Steve Guttenberg was on board.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 70%...and rising.

Hancock
Bad buzz, or just a lack thereof? Bad marketing? Confusing poster? Whatever the reason, it seems as though no one is hyped to see Hancock. I can't say that I am, either, but I am intrigued, and frankly, with Smith and Jason Bateman on board, I'll have a hard time saying no, especially when considering the lack of any competition this weekend (or next, really, which brings Hellboy II and, uh, Meet Dave to the table).
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 50%, or equal to the chance that I can get "Summertime" in your head by saying this:

"Summer summer summertime/
Time to sit back and unwind"
(Repeat 50x)

And then...

Sometimes, words just don't do justice...

I came to a sad realization while brainstorming for my post that was to be included with the LAMB's Movie of the Month feature for The Big Lebowski.

I have nothing of consequence to say about it. Or Fletch. Or The Princess Bride. Or any number of my other favorite films. There's something about the films nearest and dearest to my heart that makes me somewhat speechless. I imagine that this is due mostly to a familiarity with the subject matter, an intense passion that magnifies all the positives of the subject and puts blinders on any of the negatives, thus nullifying any attempt at conventional criticism. What I'm left with is the prospect of lavishing unfettered, unfocused praise that plays out like that of a 12-year old girl squealing about her favorite boy band. That is not an appealing prospect, for me or for you.

Suffice it to say, I love the film. From the opening scenes of The Dude writing a check for 69 cents to the closing scenes of Walter and The Dude haggling with a funeral parlor director over the price of an urn, eventually setting on the purchase of a coffee can to use for the remains, the film is an absurdist comedy masterpiece. With everything from multiple references to the California grocery chain Ralph's (previous two examples) to Lenin to Credence Clearwater Revival to Bob Dylan on the soundtrack, it's the psuedo-intellectual slacker's dream.

While I couldn't come up with a dazzlingly brilliant take on the movie in time to be featured alongside the other entries for the MOTM feature, I implore you to head over to the LAMB and check out the posts from the folks that did partake in the festivities. They really tie the internet together.

P.S. - if it makes you feel any better (it does for me), I do own this t-shirt and wear it proudly. Speaking of pride, the back says "...and proud we are of all of them."













Note: when I wear my shirt, it lies flat on my torso.

And then...

Which movie are you?

A discussion with a few LAMBs the other day regarding favorite movie trilogies shot off into a tangent and along the way, an idea popped into my head. The topic was the qualification of certain sets of films being trilogies or not - when someone mentioned something a series like Indiana Jones or Die Hard, I felt compelled to mention that those no longer qualified.

This prompted DJ from Matte Havoc to ask the following question: "So can quadruplets be marked as a group of triplets if the first three kids were born two minutes apart from each other, but the fourth doesn't count because it was born thirty-two minutes after the third one was born? That would be funny if the parents would refer to the first three children as The Original Trilogy."

That made me think about my family, and brought me to the question of the day: In relation to your sibling(s), if you have any, which movie series is your family, and specifically, which movie are you?

At first, I was terrified that I was the Crystal Skull of my family. I'm the youngest of four, but thankfully, I have a brother that's 3 1/2 years older, and with Last Crusade coming out some 19 years earlier than Skull, that analogy certainly wouldn't work.

As it turns out, I think the closest comparison for my family is the Predator series, and I'm Alien vs. Predator: Requiem. With siblings 12, 10 and 3.5 years older, that ties closely with Requiem, which has a pair of "siblings" significantly older than it and another just a few years older.

Got a better one? Need help determining who you are? Let's hear it.

Oh, and if you're an only child, guess what? You get to be whatever movie you want to be. Not as much fun, but at least you have total freedom. May I suggest Problem Child?

And then...

Robert Rodriguez, I'm still waiting...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machete_%28film%29

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: Get Smart

Adam over at Counting Down the Hours recently learned that a review of his had been blurbed recently for an Australian newspaper. Despite the fact that he has in-roads to this based on some of the places he submits his reviews, this makes me jealous. So, in the hopes of getting myself noticed by Warner Brothers (Get Smart's distributor), I hereby present some potential blurbs I've specially prepared for the film:

"Steve Carrell gives an extraordinarily keen, wildly inoffensive performance!"

"Moderately entertaining!"

"Like Austin Powers mixed with True Lies, just not as funny or daring as either!"

"You'll be blown away...by the sound of explosions!"

"Dwayne Johnson proves he's out to rock audiences!"

"Meh!"

"Hathaway enchants this 40-year old series!"

Okay, that's enough of that. Fact is, there's nothing wildly bad about Get Smart. Unlike my thrashing of the smashy Hulk, I have no real vitriol to toss at the spy action-comedy. The problem is, though, that there's nothing wildly good about it, either. The blurb above about Austin Powers and True Lies is how I really felt walking out - it tried (unsuccessfully) to mesh the two, only to end up with a product that's neither an action movie nor a comedy. Instead, it meanders from one to the other, while never really giving you the jolt of a roller-coaster ride action flick or the slapstick comedy that comes from the inspiration.

What's left is a generic spy comedy that features a few shout-outs to the origin series, but mostly could be anything were the characters names different. Terrence Stamp steals the show despite being underused as the villainous Siegfried, as does his henchman, as does WWE wrestler Dalip Singh ("The Great Khali"), proving that big guys have feelings, too. His fellow former wrestler The Rock (Johnson) plays it cool, but is given almost nothing to work with character-wise, so you end up not caring about him in the slightest. Instead, you'll root for underdogs Masi Oka (Heroes) and Nate Torrence (coming a long way from playing "Moose" in Enterprise car rental commercials) as they battle office jerks David Koechner and Terry Crews. You'll also love the too-brief cameo from a certain SNL star of yesteryear.

But mostly, you'll just sit there and be mildly entertained for two hours. Woo!

Fletch's Film Rating:

"Whatever."

And then...

Giving back

The readers of this site give so much to me (time, patience, wit, no money) that I decided it's time for me to start returning the favor. Now, I'd offer back rubs or a round of golf or bowling or something, but the whole travel thing makes that difficult. I guess instead I'll just hand out some awards for the Comments of the Week. For gits and shiggles, we'll call these the CoWs and forget that there is a "the" in there.

So, the CoWs for June 16-22:

* J.D. knows what the best Cage role of the last 15 years was:
"The best thing Cage has done in years was his brilliant turn as Fu Manchu in Rob Zombie's faux GRINDHOUSE trailer. I was hoping that doing that bit would "inspire" Cage to try more edgier fare. Guess not."

* Chivid is not a fan of the star of Dirty Work:
"Unfortunately, Norm MacDonald is due to die any day now when the implosive force of his massive unfunniness sucks himself into a quantum singularity from which the only thing that will escape is the obnoxious odor of unearned ego."

* Clive Dangerously sympathizes with Tim Roth:
"I am five-seven, and indeed it is short."

And the winner of the Chong Li Memorial Comment of the Week is...


* Daniel, in response to my Nic Cage/Bangkok Dangerous post, was very succinct and accurate:
"Dude's terrible. Period."

And then...

Abide by the new poll

You all are a bunch of softies.

The Swayze (when preceded by "the," it is pronounced 'sways') gets sick, and now, suddenly 9 of you choose him for a comeback over such American icons as JCVD (not American), Steven Seagal (not an icon) and Wesley Snipes?

Actually, he'd be my second choice after JCVD. I was never all that big a fan of Mr. 3-Word Title, so I surely don't want a comeback from him. (Seagal carried the 3-word title streak for awhile - Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death, Out for Justice - before finally giving in and not so coincidentally making his best film - Under Siege.) Snipes has barely been out of the spotlight, either because of his legal troubles or the Blade series (it doesn't really matter). But even with as much pleasure as Roadhouse and Point Break have given me, JCVD is the undisputed king of unintentional comedy (action division) and has brought such joy into all of our lives.















For the latest poll, it's time to play favorites. Might be an easy choice for some, might be hard for others. Did I miss anyone big? If you think I did, you're probably out of your element altogether.

And then...

PSA: A film you need to see

My friend Daniel recently wrote a post about a theater in his native Minneapolis that had been showing In Bruges up until very recently. He was amazed, that in this day and age where hundreds of new releases hit theaters each year, that a film so seemingly small could stay in one place for 19+ weeks. As you can see in the post comments, it was a sentiment that was shared by many folks across the United States, with readers chiming in to let him know how long the film had been playing in their neck of the woods, and of other films with abundantly long theatrical stays.

It was then, with a heavy heart, that I was reminded of a movie that enjoyed an all-too brief run in theaters this year: the stoner comedy Strange Wilderness. Featuring an all-star cast (Steve Zahn, Jonah Hill, Justin Long, etc.), the zany comedy managed a scant take of less than seven million dollars, all in a run of little more than a month. All this for a major motion picture released by Paramount Pictures - what has the world come to?

I can not be clear enough: Strange Wilderness is a film that must be seen by everyone. Crossing into genres comedies previously were afraid to breach and featuring performances unseen in modern cinema, Wilderness is an epic in humorocity that will go down in the annals of comedic cinematic lore along with Airplane! and Caddyshack. No golden cows are spared, no viewer left unslayed.

The good news in all this is that, although you missed your chance to get Strange on the big screen (where it ideally would be seen), it's not too late to taste the exquisite pleasures of Zahn, Hill and company - Wilderness hit DVD shelves on May 20th. Though, if your patient, I'm sure that the movie gods will see to it that this fine film lives on in the form of cult showings a la The Rocky Horror Picture Show, sporadically finding a home in theaters for decades to come.

Here's my original review. In case you forgot, the rating looked kinda like this:

Fletch's Film Rating:

"You're the best...around!"


Note: this post was a part of Lazy Eye Theatre's Bizarro Blog-a-thon. Whatever you do, don't click on the link or the picture.

And then...

TGITDNMAR (6/20/08)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

The high in Phoenix today was 116 degrees. That's right, amigos, it was too hot to blog today. Though with Mrs. Fletch holed up in the bedroom with a stomach flu (coming soon to Fletch's body in three days!), the nighttime is the blogging time.

Get Smart
Though I've always been aware of it, I've never been terribly interested in the source TV show behind this adaptation. After all, I was too busy watching Don Adams voice Inspector Gadget as a kid to be interested in a show that was long gone before I was born.

Still, Carrell is a savvy choice to reprise the role of Agent 86, and the combined appeal of Carrell, Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson and Alan Arkin is pretty high. Throw all that together with the fact that this week's other release is a giant stink bomb and you get this...
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 65%, or better than the chance that it will get below 100 here before September.

The Love Guru
And you thought The Happening got bad reviews. This one doesn't even have 5 votes at IMDb, which not only seems odd, but makes it ineligible for a rating. Rotten Tomatoes, on the other hand, shows it at a 16% approval rate. In other words, this is most likely the bomb of the year, to be spoken about in tales of folk lore like Ishtar and Waterworld before it.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 0%, or equal to the percent that The Love Guru 2 is made.

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: The Incredible Hulk

(Note: spoilers abound. Enter at your own risk.)

Why......?

...is it that every time Bruce attempts to contact Mr. Blue, Mr. Blue is right there on the computer, ready and willing to type 200 wpm, save for the one time that Bruce and Betty require him not to be at his computer (when they visit him and oh-so-coincidentally meet him outside)?

...does Betty plead for Banner/Hulk to stop choking Blonsky/Hulk? She would prefer that he lived?

...is it that when Banner is searching for data using Betty's profile that when he clicks on "Encryptnet," it connects him immediately to Mr. Blue? Are all computers hard-coded to connect to him?

...wouldn't Banner even attempt to get his heart rate up before voluntarily falling out of a helicopter? Was he that confident that he'd change? Seems like an awful risky manuever to me.

...would the Army even be chasing after Banner/Hulk after he releases Blonsky/Hulk? Isn't, you know, a GENERAL standing right there, ready, willing and able to give the call to stop chasing him, given all that he's just witnessed?

...didn't the producers keep Downey's cameo where it no doubt belonged - after the credits just like Iron Man? I understand the reasoning (Iron Man's a hit and many were anticipating it), but they not only had a better ending (closing on Banner), but compromised their lead character and actor in favor of a different film's lead character and actor. If I were Norton, I'd be pissed.

...is it that not even a single one of Betty's hairs was singed when a fireball engulfed her and the Hulk?

...does Blonsky/Hulk have the ability to speak cogently, while Banner/Hulk has the brain of a three-year old (no offense to three-year olds)?

...isn't United Blood Services contacting Mr. Blue, asking him to save the world's blood supply by "concentrating it and making more?" The man could have been a millionaire at worst!

...had I never noticed that Tim Roth is a borderline midget? (IMDb says 5'7"; I say bullsh*t.)

...did Norton do this?
...is this movie so effing stupid?
...did I let myself get swayed by all of the positive reviews, when it ended up being exactly what I thought it was (right, Denny Green)?

Listen, I know this is a comic book adaptation that is not grounded in reality in the least. For that reason, I've tried (I might've failed) to avoid even broaching questions like "why doesn't the Hulk's hair burn?" or "why does Banner even bother buying stretchy pants when his outbreaks are so relatively rare?" I understand the all adaptations of the comic book are either stuck with the conventions that they were born with or risk pissing off fanboys and girls everwhere by altering them. Therefore, I've tried to ask common sense questions that should be asked of any film, no matter how "out there" the the concept is. It passes none of them. Were I so inclined, I could probably drum up 40 more, but the movie's just not worth it (and if you ask Mrs. Fletch, it's not even worth the ones I did ask). Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - will you take me back?

Fletch's Film Rating:

"I want you to punch me as hard as you can."

(By the way, for what it's worth, I enjoyed the first act - you'll notice, most of the questions I posed above circle around the third, horrendous act. It really all started to go downhill right about the time when Banner hulks out at the college campus. Just FYI.)

And then...

Movies I'm Really Not Looking Forward To: Cheers

In the spirit of movies no one ever wanted to see like The Beverly Hillbillies, Leave it to Beaver, and George of the Jungle, I can't help but think of the inevitability that the studio execs of tomorrow, no doubt at a loss for original material, will be more than happy to dig into the archives of 80s and 90s television for ideas.

Previously, I tried my hand at casting the Full House movie. This time out, a more beloved sitcom - Cheers. The question: if you were a casting agent and were asked to put together the ensemble for a Cheers flick to be released in the near future, who would you pick?

Keep in mind the relative profile of the project. Brad Pitt as Sam Malone? Jessica Alba as Rebecca? Not a chance in hell. Also, while physical resemblances to the original characters may be nice, they are by no means a necessity or a prerequisite.

Okay, enough foreplay. I present to you the cast of Cheers: The Movie (note: since I'm a bigger fan of the later years and I can't stand Shelley Long, we'll be looking at the Woody/Rebecca years rather than the Coach/Diane years, though I have nothing against Coach. He was just as good as Woody, just in a different way.).

Sam Malone
Playboy. Former alcoholic. Former crappy pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. Witty. Prone to bantering with the "leading lady" of the day. Those are some tough shoes to fill, and while his American-accented roles haven't been the best representation of his work, Colin Farrell sure does have a lot of traits in common with Malone. I found this the toughest role to cast, which is unfortunate since he's the lead. It's also unfortunate that Kevin Costner is 53, because he'd be the best choice. Hell, if you mash up some of his previous characters, he's practically already played Sam.
Alternate: Nathan Fillion

Rebecca Howe
Recall, if you will, a time long ago. A time when (shock!) Kirstie Alley was considered beautiful. Yes friends, it's true - once upon a time, Alley played a sexy Vulcan in a Star Trek flick. Then in just a few years, she was cast as the romantic lead opposite Danson after Long's departure. Rebecca was troubled, to say the least. Easily flustered, prone to crying bouts, but with a quick wit and a penchant for rich guys. Although maybe not as good of a sparring partner with Sam as Diane was, she made up for it with better chemistry. Christa Miller, vet of The Drew Carey Show and Scrubs has shown excellent versatility over her career, playing both the girl-next-door and the vampy bitch with equal aplomb.
Alternate: Selma Blair

Norm Peterson
See, the trouble with lovable fat guys is that they're fat. As such, many of them die young. John Candy. Chris Farley. John Belushi. Well, my pick for resident stool man Norm just might die young, too. In fact, the odds for "Might" have been taken off the board in Vegas. If Artie Lange lives past 50, it just might be a sign that hell has frozen over. Still, since he's still alive, he makes a pretty decent pick for Norm. Who doesn't love Artie? Now if only he can remain sober enough to play a drunk...
Alternate: Horatio Sanz?

Cliff Claven
Who better to play Norm's best friends than a guy that's played Artie Lange's best friend many a time (I believe the two are good friends in real life)? As a bonus/element of confusion, the guy playing Cliff could be named Norm! Aside from being a US postal worker, Claven was the in-house know-it-all (or perhaps, know nothing) at Cheers, and Norm McDonald can certainly pull of being a blowhard, as evidenced by nothing less than his ability to impersonate Larry King with precision.
Alternate: Stephen Root

Carla Tortelli
I had some trouble with this role as well. No offense to Rhea Perlman, but I'm sure she knows she's not a terribly attractive woman. And, believe it or not, Hollywood is generally not in the business of making stars of unattractive people. Thus, the pool of available "name" actresses available to play an Italian barmaid with a mouth like a sailor and a penchant for sleazy husbands isn't all that deep. My first choice, Aida Turturro (The Sopranos) is more of a natural pick; the alternate is a wild card that I think just might be inspired.
Alternate: Wanda Sykes

Frasier Crane
Aside from a perhaps too-obvious choice of David Hyde Pierce here, I don't think there's a better choice to play the stuffy, snobby psychiatrist than Neil Patrick Harris.
Alternate: Thomas Haden Church

Woody Boyd
Woodrow Tiberius Boyd was a young hayseed that came to Cheers fresh from Hanover, Indiana, where he was voted the smartest student in school. As such, an actor that's good looking that can play dumb (and hopefully can look it as well) is required. While I know you might be thinking Paul Walker right now (who wouldn't), I just don't think he has any comedic chops in him, whereas James Franco, fresh from his sure-to-be great performance in Pineapple Express, looks to have it in him. He's not a bad actor, either, which is more than Walker can say.
Alternate: Owen Wilson

And then...

Just 79 more days!

That's right, folks - BD hits theaters September 5th! Set your alarms and make plans (to be busy doing anything but seeing this) accordingly.

By the way, including this awesome movie, Cage has seven films in some stage of production, including a "re-envisioning" of the notorious 1992 Harvey Keitel flick Bad Lieutenant. Please please please don't unleash Cage's "little man" on the world, I beg of you.

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: The Fall

The Fall has an interesting lineage. It was adapted from a 1981 Bulgarian film titled Yo Ho Ho by a trio of screenwriters - Tarsem (who also directed) from India, Nico Soultanakis (whom I can only assume is from Greece), and American Dan Gilroy. Gilroy's twin brother John is a film editor and his older brother Tony is the writer/director of Michael Clayton. The film stars American Lee Pace (TV's Pushing Daisies) and Catinca Untaru, an 11-year old girl discovered by Tarsem in Romania (the film was completed in 2006). On top of all that, it was shot on 26 locations in 18 countries, and is set in both California and in the imagination of the film's lead characters.

Exhausting, no?

The film clearly shows the effort and heart put into it by the involved players. Eschewing digital effects, Tarsem puts on a dazzling visual show that matches the beauty of his 2000 film The Cell, if not the darkness. Though it is plenty dark at times.

The title refers to the actions that have placed the characters into the hospital where the reality version of the story takes place. Pace's Roy Walker is an actor in 1920s Los Angeles who breaks his back filming a dangerous stunt involving a bridge, a horse and a train, while Untaru's Alexandria is the child of immigrants that broke her arm while working in the fields. She's a curious, friendly child, and she soon happens upon Roy. Morose due to the loss of his girlfriend, Roy sees an opportunity to use the child to his benefit, and piques her interest by telling her a fantastical tale.

It's in the telling of the tale that the film falters somewhat. Though it is haphazard by design (Roy is making it up as he goes), the lack of structure puts the audience in the precarious position of not getting really invested in the story that Roy tells, despite the stunning visuals and overall beauty that Tarsem feeds us. Elements are changed on the fly, characters in the tale thought important are treated as afterthoughts, new characters added late in the game - the whole thing adds up to be analogous to a beautiful painting that has no meaning, or at least none at or near the surface. It's just all show. Still, this isn't just an art exhibition - the scenes with the injured pair at the hospital show some true emotional depth, as the bond between them alters and grows over time, and the adorable Untaru is a revelation.

At times, the film evokes comparisons to both The Wizard of Oz and Pan's Labyrinth, though its mood places it somewhere between the cheery, colorful tones of the former and the dark dangers of the latter. And while it probably won't have the lasting power of either, it's more than worth a look - and a listen; the bookending black-and-white, slow-motion sequences set to Beethoven's 7th Symphony are breathtaking.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"Darn tootin!"

And then...

TGITDNMAR (6/13/08)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

Well, better late than never. It may not be "the day" anymore, but damnit, TGITDNMAR just cannot be stopped by the limitations of time and space.

The Incredible Hulk
Why Ed, why?

Did Norton peak too soon? His first feature role as Aaron Stampler in Primal Fear earned him an Academy Award nomination. His next two roles were supporting ones in films directed by Milos Forman and Woody Allen. After that? Just three of the most important film in pop culture land in the last ten years - Rounders, American History X, and Fight Club.

Since then, it's been a series of not-so-peaks and valleys, from the highs of The 25th Hour and The Illusionist to the lows of The Italian Job and Death to Smoochy. Now, he's starring in a movie that features a battle between two CGI giants, the scenes from which unfortunately remind me of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen every time I see them. Not a good sign.

It's also not good that this and the 2003 version have me longing for Lou Ferrigno. Maybe we're just not ready for CGI characters in live-action films these days. I shudder to think of T2 with a computer-generated villain...
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 15%, or worse than the chances that I'll ever be able to bench press 200 lbs.

The Happening
Is The Village the only M. Night movie that has nothing to do with water per se? I wanna know what happened (no pun intended) to this guy as a kid that got him so hooked on water. Was he tortured by it? Saved by it? Just thirsty all the time? Seriously, if people are dropping dead in The Happening due to dehydration or something like that, I'm going to track down some waterboarding experts and sic them on the Shamalamaman.

Still, I've enjoyed all of his films to some degree with the exception of Lady in the Water, so, despite even all the negative reviews, I'm sure to catch this at some point.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 71%, or equal to the percent of Earth that is made up of water.

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: You Don't Mess With the Zohan

An unconventional movie gets an unconventional review. Today, let's play a round of "It's funny that..." or "It's not funny that..." No, I haven't done this before, and yes, you'll get it quickly.

It's funny that...coming off two SNL-flavored posts this week, I should happen to go see Zohan Thursday night.

It's not funny that...the movie relies on a few of the same running gags for nearly all of its two hours. We get it, Zohan is well endowed and enjoys hummus.

It's funny that...Sandler gets so many cameos for his movies. The list is growing, and getting more creative. Sure, there's old standbys like Chris Rock and Kevin Nealon and John Farley (Chris's brother), and there's the old drunk guy from Big Daddy, but the new faces, from Mariah Carey to George Takei, really add some laughs.

It's not funny that...Emmanuelle Chiriqui sucks at accents. Who'd have ever thought that Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider would be seen as experts in the goofy accent field? Chiriqui sounded like a high school drama student in a production of Arabian Nights or something.

It's simultaneously funny and not funny that...John Turturro and Rob Schneider are playing Palestinians here. History shows us Charlie Chan as an example of a character played by white actors that offended many, yet Turturro and Schneider have each made a career out of playing multiple ethnicities, together playing anything from Jewish to Mexican to Hawaiian to Chinese to Palestinian - it'd be offensive if it weren't so impressive, as each is usually dedicated to the role and avoids caricature where possible.

It's funny that...Adam Sandler has ever gotten pegged for being immature. Well, let me explain. Yes, of course, Sandler and his films are immature - I mean, I just derided the movie for going overboard with the penis jokes. But, at their core, they couldn't be tamer or more well-meaning. Looking back at a sampling of his films, we can see neon lights flashing the morals to each of them:

* Billy Madison: Don't drink. Go to school. Act your age.
* Happy Gilmore: Accept your fate. Learn something new. Don't be a quitter.
* Big Daddy: Grow up. Get a job. Care about someone other than yourself.
* Little Nicky: Don't judge a book by its cover. David vs. Goliath.

You Don't Mess With the Zohan is no different: Follow your dreams. Love thy neighbor. F*ck thy senior citizen.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

On Tuesday, guest poster Gaylord dropped by with a delivery: a special version of Favored Five on SNL Movie Stars. He was even kind enough to give an Unfavored Five as well; that post can be seen here. Today, I give you his Favoreds.

For some of Gay's previous work, check out this post.

-------------------------------------

Gaylord's Favored Five SNL Movie Stars

5. Bill Murray – Murray is a polarizing character - most people love or hate him and his movies. For me, he sneaks into the Top 5 because of Groundhog Day (and of course the fact 99% of SNL alums suck doesn’t hurt either). I love Groundhog Day; Murray killed that movie, and if you can carry a great flick you’re a decent actor and you’ve got my respect. On top of that, Murray has been relevant since he's left SNL - he had the Ghostbusters series (everyone can agree those were enjoyable flicks), he stayed relevant with a decent villain play in Kingpin, then he acted in nerd sensations Rushmore, and Lost in Translation. Scarlett Johannson’s side boob even got him an Oscar nom in Lost in Translation; after that he voice-acted Garfield…but c’mon, in SNL Alum bad career decisions that’s not even Top 50.

4. Chevy Chase – Ummm...apparently Fletch isn’t just a great web site administrator, it was also the title of a good movie. Yes, Chevy was funny when he said he was 6’9" with the afro and stuff, haha. All right, obviously, sucking up doesn’t suit me - admittedly, the Fletch movies are before my time - I'll give them props 'cause old people seem to like them, but the Vacation movies are timeless. It'll be Christmas Day 2020 and we and all our kids will be laughing with Ralphie Parker and Clark Griswald…that’s a certainty. One of the good things about Chevy is that he hasn’t buried everything he worked for under a desperate desire to stay relevant (see Murphy, Eddie) - even his last stab at fame (Vegas Vacation) was pretty good.

3. Adam Sandler – Sandler really isn’t that great of an actor, and really was always a beneficiary of his likability while the audience was laughing AT him (he wrote himself roles in Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and even The Waterboy). Like most lovable actors (see Carrey, Jim), he wasn’t satisfied making his fans happy and tried to be a real actor with disastrous results (Punch Drunk Love, Spanglish, Reign Over Me). After getting laughed out of the drama milieu, Sandler returned to comedy but with a massive ego, where his characters were only Sandler-esque jerks (his character in Chuck and Larry was a ladies’ man who routinely had orgies with Playboy Playmates and ended up “settling” for Jessica Biel, and apparently Zohan is the greatest fighter who’s ever lived?). Nevertheless, Sandler movies always make money, partially because he is coasting on reputation and partially because he is a pretty funny guy (Happy Gilmore will never get old…).

2. Will Ferrell – Ferrell is just really, really good. He has that comedic timing that can’t be taught, and on top of that he’s proven himself a funny guy by writing some of the scripts that have made him famous (Anchorman, Talladega Nights) and no doubt ad-libbing many of his hilarious lines that have made him great. He really hasn’t had a stumble other than playing the same character (happens) and working too often with the “frat pack.” It was kind of funny for a minute when they showed up in each other’s movies (notably when Ferrell was in Wedding Crashers), but how far do you have to go to repay Stiller for the third lead in Zoolander (great flick by the way).

1. Chris Farley – When you leave SNL as the best cast member ever, and you actually live up to the lofty expectations (though admittedly for too short a time), you get the top spot. The guy was the best physical comedian that ever was, and we can all agree Tommy Boy is a masterpiece. Even in Black Sheep and Beverly Hills Ninja, Farley kills me. We all wish the guy hadn’t gone out at the height of his talent, but unfortunately Farley couldn’t give us decades of hilarious comedies. Let us not judge, for we know not what it is like to be fat, insanely talented, and hopelessly wealthy. Perhaps if I was 200 pounds heavier, I’d feel the unquenching desire to party and do enough heroin to split all 4 of Big Brown’s hooves…

Honorable mentions:
Dan Aykroyd - In nearly 30 years on the golden screen, the only true embarrassment was Blues Brothers 2000...Some might claim My Stepmother is an Alien as a misstep, but for the chance to get down with a 1987 Kim Basinger, I’d probably make a flop or two, too.

Mike Myers - He wrote Austin Powers and Wayne’s World...Obviously a funny a guy...Tragically, his idea of being funny lately is putting on a lot of makeup, and his idea of following up a good script is accepting a large bag of cash and recycling the previous script with more makeup and more bodysuits…

Not eligible (appeared in less than 5 SNLs): Ben Stiller, Damon Wayans


Thanks again to Gaylord for his double-duty guest action. If you'd like to contribute a guest post to Blog Cabins, just email me your thoughts on a topic and we'll go from there.

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: Roman de Gare

It's Sunday night. Outside of The Fall, for which I have yet to write a review, Mrs. Fletch and I hadn't been to the theater much lately at all, both of us unimpressed by the output at the theaters in recent weeks. But we love going (and we love that Harkins popcorn), so I browse through the paper, scouring the ads to see what's playing and when. Unfortunately, we had no interest in seeing the latest releases (Zohan, Panda, SATC, etc.), and many of the indies out we had either already seen or weren't interested in.

Three choices remained - movies that we had either not heard of or were painfully unaware of: Jellyfish, The Year My Parents Went on Vacation, and Roman de Gare. We read the synopses, checked out the ratings the paper gave them (all about the same, if I recall correctly) and made our decision. Whether I'm becoming a sucker for French films or the quality as of late has been especially high (Paris, je t'aime, 2 Days in Paris, Persepolis, etc.), I'm not sure, but Roman de Gare it was. Aside from the synopsis, I knew nothing about it other than the names of the stars, of which I only recognized one name, and barely at that (Fanny Ardant).

Being a movie blogger, I find it a strange yet refreshing experience to go into a film with little to no knowledge of it beforehand. All the time standing in the line for the box office, I'll see the middle-aged grandmothers or parents with four kids on their arms asking the attendant what each movie is about or who the stars are, and I just cringe. Just like the folks at the rental store asking the cashier for recommendations, these poor souls have no idea what they're in for, and the thought of that is not only foreign to me, but it typically scares the hell out of me. That said, the few times I have gone in with minimal (or less) knowledge, I usually find myself pleasantly surprised.

Roman de Gare proved no exception.

The film centers around Pierre Laclos, a mysterious figure played by Dominique Pinon that may be one or more of the following: a pedophile/escaped convict, a husband who's ditched his life and wife of ten years, or a ghost writer of famous crime novels by Judith Ralitzer (Ardant). As we catch up with him, he's hurriedly driving away from Paris, and director Claude Lelouch (A Man and A Woman) ratchets up the tension via a hood-mounted camera that almost lets the viewer feel the wind through their hair as they race through the streets onto the highway and into the desolate country.

Stopping for gas (and maybe more), Pierre meets up with Huguette (Audrey Dana), who's either a hairdresser, a hooker, or both. She's just had a fight with her boyfriend and is in need of assistance, yet hardly in the frame of mind to get any, as her judgement clearly displays.

What follows is a sharply made story of deception and lies, with enough twists to make a pretzel envious. Pinon, recognizable to North American audiences as the jealous ex-boyfriend with a tape recorder in Amelie, puts on a great show, constantly leading and misleading the audience, disguising his true intentions while simultaneously showing you that there's nothing up his sleeve.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"It's in the hole!"

And then...

Fletch's, er, Gaylord's (Un)Favored Five: SNL Movie Stars

It's been a long time since I did an installment of Fletch's Favored Five; lucky for me, I have guest posters like Gaylord to help out every now and then. As a bonus, he even gives us an Unfavored Five, 'cause we all know it's fun to hate on some loser SNL cast members every now and then. We'll start with those today, and finish up with the Favoreds later in the week.

Speaking of things we haven't seen in a long time, it's been awhile since the 'Lord stopped by (over a year!), so you might want to re-acquaint yourself with him and his lyrical stylings.

-------------------------------------

All right, a while back your esteemed leader Fletch and I got into an argument about whether SNL alumnus had promising movie careers. I maintained that they all suck, and he claimed that most go on to promising careers, and he even went as far as to guarantee Jimmy Fallon will win an Oscar in the next 5 years. Anyway, I thought it would make a good column, so I’m unveiling Gaylord’s Unfavored Five SNL Movie Stars:

5. David Spade – One of the most promising careers coming out of SNL, and rightly so, he opted to ride his buddy Farley’s coattails, and honestly if any of us were in his situation in the shadow of that talent, we’d also take the easy payday/laughs. And who could have predicted Farley’s tragic demise…except anyone who knew anything about drugs or human limits… (to be fair, Spade, like everyone who knew him, tried to intervene before Farley walked over the ledge). Regardless, without coattails to ride, Spade dabbled in film (Joe Dirt, Dickie Roberts, Benchwarmers) even trying to write himself roles, but eventually settled for mindless TV paydays (Just Shoot Me, Rules of Engagement).

4. Eddie Murphy – Our elder film geeks can feign shock with Beverly Hills Cop, Coming to America, and 48 Hours; I simply counter with Vampire in Brooklyn, Holy Man, Pluto Nash, Dr Doolittle, and then I ask if you want me to continue. No one in all of Hollywood, or even among his fellow SNL black sheep, has buried their legacy harder and faster than Murphy. This is supposedly the guy who made SNL a weekly staple, yet everyone born after ’80 will remember him as the all-time leader in big-budget flops. Is it really that hard to pick out a good script????

3. Chris Rock – Never a main player on the SNL stage, but still a promising background player who no one expected big things from until he raised the bar by becoming one of the best standup comics. Of course the crossover to film was inevitable, though as opposed to Murphy it was his complete lack of acting talent that did him in. He tried to cash in when he was hot and even had marginal success with Lethal Weapon 4, but apparently there’s a difference between acting and doing standup in front of a camera. He does have some impressive accomplishments in his dalliance with feature films, though just like some of his coworkers he can't blame it on other people’s bad scripts...he wrote Down to Earth. He also managed to destroy the career of film legend/Academy Award winner Anthony Hopkins, starring alongside him in box-office poison Bad Company. To be fair to Rock though, at least he realized his error and stopped embarrassing himself onscreen unlike Murphy, and was content to settle for standup comedy and behind-the-scenes success with such projects as his sitcom Everyone Hates Chris, which thankfully doesn’t have him trying to act…

2. Jimmy Fallon – I had high hopes for Fallon coming out of SNL. He had carried the show for the last couple of years, he was a likable star, and by all aspects a good comedic actor when he wasn't laughing in the middle of a skit (not a problem for movies; plus we all forget his cracking up was actually good when it was happening). Regardless, in real life apparently it's two strikes and you’re out, as Fallon debuted with Taxi and Fever Pitch. YIKES!!! One never had a shot (due to bad acting and awful plot), and the other was sabotaged by circumstance, as what was supposed to be a lovable loser tale was sabotaged by the Red Sox winning the Series while the flick was in post-production and Red Sox fans turning into insufferable douchebags, forcing the Farrelly Bros to restructure their whole film. I can’t blame his agent for trying to parlay what is legitimately the best fake on-screen Boston accent I’ve ever heard, but I can blame the agent for accepting an offer starring alongside Queen Latifah fighting against Giselle and some other supermodels in a game of high-speed espionage where only Fallon’s character’s wit and insight can save the day. Again, YIKES!

1. Dana Carvey - Master of Disguise. Really - nothing else needs to be said. One can try to counter with Wayne’s World, but he was practically a prop Myers carried along due to the good old SNL days (Myers himself gets a pass because he wrote Wayne’s World and Austin Powers). Anyway, he wrote and starred in Master of Disguise and IMDb has him in NOTHING since then (2002); you know he’s forwarding his resume and writing scripts and I bet he’s even begged Spade for a guest spot on Rules of Engagement and I’d imagine he keeps writing drafts for Wayne’s World 3, begging Myers to give him one more payday. I almost feel bad for the guy…
[Editor's note: Carvey's back with an HBO special. The advertisements, as seen in this week's Entertainment Weekly, show Dana looking just as androgynous as his name would imply. Creepy...]

Honorable Mentions:
Tim Meadows – Talented actor, took a stab with Ladies Man, went down in flames, would have been a great supporting comedic actor if he'd left at the right time and found the right coattails to ride.
[Editor's Note: Meadows was excellent in Walk Hard, living up to the potential Gaylord speaks of.]

Chris Kattan – This guy was billed above Will Ferrell in Roxbury Nights, never really a great actor, film career submarined with Corky Romano, one wonders why he didn’t just feed off Ferrell’s scraps after that, must be a dick in real life if Ferrel won’t toss him a role.

Kevin Nealon – My own personal favorite character actor, I expected big things from Nealon, unlike some others he didn’t embarrass himself in the limelight, but I’m disappointed he never got his shot, not a leading man by any means but I think he proved he’d be a spectacular supporting actor, still pops up in all the SNL movies…his lackluster career still disappoints me, his mother, and Heather Locklear.

Thanks, Gaylord. As I said, Part II (the Favored Five) will run later this week.

And then...

New poll

Bad news for Mike Myers, as even against lesser competition like Zohan and Postal, his Love Guru only managed to snatch up one vote out of 30. On the other hand, perhaps I'm one of the few (and not the majority as I had suspected) that thinks the Hulk redux looks awful, as the Ed Norton vehicle trounced the competition here, winning the poll hands down with 53% of the votes.

Meanwhile, I was the only person that chose the "other" option, voting for everyone's favorite misfit toy, the Charlie-in-the-Box. Don't tell me you all didn't love him!

















This time around, let's see which disgraced former action (and more) star you'd like to see back up on the big screen, winning good press and vibes via a Pulp Fiction-like comeback. Ought to be a, uh, fight to the finish.

I know...that was terrible. Boo me.

And then...

TGITDNMAR (6/6/08)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

I've decided to open a theater. I'm going to call it "NY/LA." Why, you might ask? Well, as you may know, when smaller films get a theatrical release, many of them are pushed out to the theaters of North America slowly, hoping to gain word of mouth buzz and hype from large per-screen averages. In general, they will hit New York and Los Angeles first. Should they have a decent run there, other major cities like Dallas, Philadelphia, Boston, San Francisco and Chicago are added.

Notice that Phoenix is not on that list. Phoenix, the 5th most populated city in the United States (and 13th most populated metro area), is rarely, if ever, on the "second run" list of cities for non-wide releases. Now, I know I'm not going to get any sympathies from those of you living in small towns that consider yourselves lucky to see these movies at all, but I do feel that I'm warranted a gripe here (Chicago deserves to gripe as well; how big do they have to be to crack the first week release list?).

This is all a long-winded way of saying that I'm pissed that neither The Promotion nor Mongol is opening here this week. Weeks of Son of Rambow playing at the local art theater combined with weeks of "blah" new releases have had the effect of making me want to see the kids-make-a-movie movie where previously I had little desire. Are there no new movies that could be screened there?!? You're killing me, Camelview 5. You too, Hollywood, with your stupid "NY/LA" rule.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan
For being someone that doesn't have a problem with Adam Sandler (gotta love Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, at the least, and The Wedding Singer's right up there, too), I shocked myself a bit when looking over his filmography. Whether it be via rental (Punch Drunk Love) or cable, I've seen most or all of nearly all of his movies, yet I believe the last one I saw in the theater was The Waterboy, which came out 10 years ago.

Has it really been that long? Stupid as that one is, it was pretty damn funny watching it in the theater. It's been a mostly unsuccessful ten years since for Sandler (at least creatively), with only PDL and Reign Over Me getting him really good reviews, and the comedies, although not terrible (50 First Dates certainly has its moments), aren't rocking the houses like they once were.

The early news I've heard is that Zohan is a bit like The Waterboy, in that it's pretty dumb, but also pretty damn funny, at least for the first two acts. Could a reunion between me and Sandler at the theater be in the cards? Not if Mrs. Fletch has anything to say about it.

(Oh, by the way: I remembered that we saw Spanglish in the theaters, but I'm not gonna count it because a) it was a free test audience screening and b) it was pretty damned terrible.)
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 22%, or dependent on how much I want to go see it by myself.

Kung Fu Panda
Tell me if you've heard this one...

"You there! With the texting! You think no one can hear you? I can hear you, with the click-click-click...Dreamworks respects the sanctity of this theater. Please - no talking or texting...blah blah blah."

Don't get me wrong, I love the message. Don't talk. Don't text. Don't even turn on your damn cell phone, 'cause I can see the stupid glow and so can everyone else behind you. That said, I was sick of that commercial, oh, 28 years ago. I don't care if this is getting decent/good reviews - I can't see it (at least not until HBO).
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 1%, or equal to the chance that you'll ever catch me texting in the theater.

Mongol (limited release)
This story of Genghis Khan ("KHANNNN!!!") was amongst the nominees for Best Foreign Language Film at the most recent Oscars. Six months into this year, it finally gets its release (in New York and LA, mind you). Boy, those Academy members sure are good at picking widely seen movies.

Saw a trailer for it not long ago. It looks beautiful, and if and when it comes to town, I'd like to check it out.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 6%, or totally dependent on if it makes it to town.

The Promotion (limited release)
The word from IMDb says that buzz for this comedy starring Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly is high based on a number of reviews after it premiered at SXSW. I was on board before hearing even that. The premise ("Dueling assistant managers of a local grocery store vie for a coveted promotion to manage the bigger, fancier store soon to be opened by their corporate employers.") and stars were enough to get me psyched, and the supporting cast has more than enough familiar faces to keep it lively.

Love the poster, too.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 92%, or greater than the chances that it'll be better than Step Brothers.

And then...

Outlandish Statements #2

It's time for more outlandish statements. Feel free to disagree, call me crazy, or call me genius. Just don't call me Shirley. Here's the last installment of this feature.

"David Lynch's Lost Highway is intellectual masturbatory nonsense, full of images and plots that don't tell a story, but rather beat you into submission, leaving you begging for any sense of clarity."

"As good a movie as it is, Terminator 2: Judgement Day is only Arnold Schwarzenegger's third best film, trailing both Total Recall and Predator."

"Ocean's Twelve is a fine addition to the franchise and rewards repeat viewings."

"As much as I think him a loonbag nutjob and don't want to support his movies (financially), I miss Mel Gibson the actor."

"The guy that played Biff Tannen (Tom Wilson) in the Back to the Future movies is one of the most criminally underused and underappreciated actors of all time, capable of playing for comedy or drama, at any age."

Got some of your own?

And then...

Not "Very Funny" at all

A revolution is coming. There are only slight grumblings of it currently, but the noise is getting louder. To use the phrase from the bottom rung of the Fletch Film Rating System, people are mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore.

Perhaps you're one of the lucky ones that hasn't noticed the problem. You're sitting there blissfully unaware of something pure evil that is festering in the world somewhere. Perhaps you never watch TBS. I can't say that it's a regular habit of mine, but they do show Seinfeld and Family Guy re-runs after all, and who can complain about that?

Well, I can now, and so can many others around North America. The Turner networks have always been horrible when it came to commercials, and I can only assume they were the innovators for such annoyances as Kyra Sedgwick taking up half the screen to pimp The Closer. But this time, in what can only be interpreted as a battle against DVRs and commercial skippers, they've gone too far, and just might get some retaliation.

Here's what happened:

So there we are, watching Family Guy. The show is moving along nicely, closing in on a commercial break no doubt, when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Bill Engvall (and family) popping up onscreen, hitting "pause," pimping his show for 10-15 seconds, then "unpausing" the show just in time for another 10 seconds of airtime before the "real" commercials hit.

You've got to be effing kidding me.

Over the past few years, we've seen TV go from "nothing onscreen but what you're watching" to "small logo inhabiting the lower right corner" to "logo taking up 1/6 of the screen" to "animation appearing for the first 5-10 seconds upon return from a commercial break." But stopping a sitcom right in the middle of a joke for a pop-up ad? What's next?

And then...

Familiar Face - Unknown Name #6 - Harve Presnell

Call them what you want - character actors, "That Guy(s)," scene stealers - I don't care. This is a regular feature where I spotlight one performer, whether they be longtime veterans like J.K. Simmons or Barry Corbin, or a fresher face just making their way up the stardom ranks. For previous FF-UNs, click here.

Today's Familiar Face-Unknown Name:

Harve Presnell

Where You've Seen Him (high profile): In what is no doubt his most famous role (at least in the last 40 years) as Wade Gustafson in Fargo, playing the rich father-in-law to Bill Macy's pathetic used-car salesman. "No Jean, no money!" He's also been featured in Face/Off, Saving Private Ryan, and Flags of Our Fathers.

Where You've Seen Him (not-so-high profile): I was reminded of him after seeing him in two movies I saw parts of in the same day - as one of Jeremy Piven's cohorts in Old School and as a Congressman in Evan Almighty. Neither part was large, but they were typical of the near-50 roles he's had since his career as a character actor took off in 1996 following Fargo's success.

He's also been featured in films such as Patch Adams, The Legend of Bagger Vance, and Mr. Deeds, while also guesting in many a TV show, from "Frasier" to "Monk" to "ER," just to name a few. Additionally, he's had regular role on a few shows, including "Andy Barker, P.I.," "Dawson's Creek," and "The Pretender."

Character Specialties: Many of his roles have taken from his Fargo lead, placing him as rich, angry and/or powerful jerks, be they politicians, military officers, or just characters with names like Preston or Winslow or Edgar J. Hagerty.

My favorite role: It's hard not to pick Fargo. Then again, aside from his interesting past, his recent work outside of picking on William H. Macy and yelling at Steve Buscemi hasn't caught fire with pop culture. Sure, Old School and Evan Almighty made some decent money, but his were really only bit parts there. Meanwhile, his meatier work in TV on "The Pretender" and "Andy Barker, P.I." has come on shows that never made it more than a season or two.

Little Known Facts: For Mr. Presnell, this is my favorite part of the post, as it came as quite a shock to see that the man in the photo above was the same as in the videos below. Those in my age demographic may know him as a gravelly-voice, gruff old bald guy, but Harve made his name in the 60s and 70s as a stage actor and singer. He has but eight film and television credits to his name prior to 1995, but two of them are in musicals that even I had heard of.

Here you can see the 6'4" man in action, first as "Leadville" Johnny Brown ("Amies? Hell, these are our friends!") in The Unsinkable Molly Brown, then as Rotten Luck Willie in Paint Your Wagon, singing the lead for "They Call the Wind Mariah."





Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harve_Presnell
On IMDb: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0696193/ (Be sure to check out his Bio - he's had an interesting life.)

And then...