TGITDNMAR (9/28/07)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

I've fallen waaaay behind in my filmgoing lately, as there are a number of movies in theaters now that I want to (or kind of want to) see, and the situation should only get better over the coming weeks. Fortunately, this week won't compound the problem too much, as only one of the four listed below will get added to that list.


The Game Plan
Dwayne Johnson decides to follow in the footsteps of Vin Diesel (The Pacifier) and Hulk Hogan (Mr. Nanny) as large men starring with small children. And really, who can blame him - just look at the wonders it did for their acting careers.

But seriously, this seems like a really bad career move, despite the opportunity to get your name out there to a bunch of kids. Johnson parlayed his successful turns as the Scorpion King from The Mummy series into starring (and somewhat acclaimed) roles in The Rundown and Walking Tall, along with a lauded supporting role in the otherwise panned Be Cool. But first Gridiron Gang and now this? Southland Tales better be good.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 0%


The Kingdom
Hooray for the Phoenix area! Parts of The Kingdom were filmed on the highways around Mesa, as the production shut down one for a weekend last year. Unfortunately, that's about the only nice thing I can say about this film. Though it has a strong cast (Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, Jeremy Piven, Jason Bateman), Kingdom is getting blasted for being a jingoistic shoot-em-up that takes itself too seriously and moralizes when it should be storytelling. Throw in the overrated Jennifer Garner in a leading role and I'm out. I'd rather see In the Valley of Elah or Rendition instead.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 6%


Lust, Caution
The IMDb description for this film reads as such: "In 1940s Shanghai, an influential figure and a young woman are swept up in an emotional affair with deadly political ramifications." There's a lot more to it, but what I can't understand is why no one is noticing that this film sounds exactly like Paul Verhoeven's Black Book, which was released just earlier this year. While that was good, I can't say I'm dying to see an alternate version (sub the language and setting, naturally) 8 months later.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 10%


The Darjeeling Limited
Now this is what I've been waiting for. The fifth feature from Wes Anderson finds Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman and Adrien Brody starring as brothers on a trek to India to spread the ashes of their dead father. Wackiness, nostalgia and quirkiness are sure to ensue. Anderson alums Bill Murray and Angelica Huston also co-star, and Natalie Portman and Official Fletch Fave Irfan Khan show up as well. This was my choice for most anticipated film of the fall, by the way.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing: 200%

And then...

Survivor: China - Episode 2 Recap

Things we learned from the second episode of Survivor: China:

* Dave (occupation: Former Model) is an annoying jackass.

What a 180 I've turned since wishing him well while squaring off against Wrassler' Ashley. Before the opening credits rolled, Dave (occupation: Former Model) managed to condescend, patronize and generally made a donkey out of himself. His "leadership" skills consisted of barking out orders, being dismissive of others' ideas, and even standing apart form the group while making his commands. The only thing missing was an elevated podium, as he sure felt bigger and better than his tribe mates.

* Jean-Robert (not actually French) is either the best Survivor player ever or one of the worst.

Monsieur Jean-Robert managed to make the sloths that often appear in the transitional shots appear to be harder workers than a bartender on Cinco De Mayo. I've never seen someone have to rest from all the time they spent resting before. And his explanation (paraphrased as usual)? "I'm being lazy so they think I'm hard working when I do any shred of work later on." He also managed to boast again about his poker skills and how they were helping him. If this guy were nude and gay (and likable), he might be the new version of Richard Hatch.

* DJ Jesus has a plumbing problem and eats paper for sustenance.

While fretting over the lack of food, Leslie was brought to tears during a confessional session. The cure for her hunger, according to her? Her bible. The Lord works in mysterious ways, indeed. In other DJ Jesus news, she was given a clue to the hidden immunity idol, which she immediately shared with Stewardess Todd (whom she had formed an alliance with earlier, along with Johnny Utah the Surfing Instructor). I'm dying to see her reaction when she learns of Todd's sexual orientation. Let's just say that I'll bet money it won't be a positive one.

* There are only six contestants on the show at this point.

Except for the rare case where the producers throw us a curveball, the episodes are too predictable. Want to know who's not getting voted off during any given episode? Just pay attention to who's not featured. Musician Erik managed to get a sentence or two on the air, as did Amanda, but I can't say that I know enough about either of them (or a number of other contestants) to even mock them. I know - it's only an hour show. Still, it's weird how half the cast is virtually invisible for episodes at a time.

* James, heretofore known as John Coffey (see The Green Mile), is stronger than Frosti (the Snowman) and Dave (occupation: Former Model).

Just seeing if you're still paying attention. Both of the challenges were wildly physical, and to no one's surprise, hulking superhero James dominated. While both challenges had some creativity in their design (the giant rolling balls in the Reward Challenge and the battering ram in the Immunity Challenge), they were both lackluster in terms of execution. Both were predominantly made up of brute force, with a bit of mud thrown in. Meh.

* The Crouching Tiger tribe (the losing one) is chock full of bad decision makers.

For the second straight week, the Tigers voted off the wrong person. While Wrassler' Ashley looks like a fool with her lip hula hoops and watermelon chest, she was nowhere near as deserving of being snuffed out as the Former Model. Apparently, Dave has more of a hold on the tribe than we are being shown. Chicken says:

"DAMN!!"


Survivor: China homepage at CBS.com

And then...

New poll

Well, I gave you my Van Damme list, might as well let you chime in as well. Pick your favorite JCVD flick from the poll to your right. And enjoy the majesty of the picture, too. I'm thinking of getting a framed version to hang above my toilet, just so I can stare at the awesomeness of that mullet on a daily basis.

And then...

Zoltar commands you to read this post

Recently, I saw the trailer for a small movie called David & Layla. It's a romantic dramedy about a Jewish American man, a Kurdish Muslim woman, and their wacky, zany families. Think of it as My Big Fat Jewish-Muslim Wedding. It doesn't really look all that great, but something about it caught my eye.

Or rather, someone. The lead actor looked strikingly familiar. He's a 30ish guy with curly hair named David Moscow. Nope, the name didn't really ring a bell. He played one of the Van Buren Boys in an episode of Seinfeld a decade ago and had a small role in Just Married. But that's not it, either.

No, David is a famous child actor, or was once upon a time. He's the Fred Savage that never happened. In case the title of the post didn't give it away, Moscow was young Josh in the 1988 hit Big. Nice comeback, Dave, and good luck.

If you'd like to make a wish to go back in time to the moment before you read this, here's your big chance. You can actually purchase your own Zoltar machine. It's a bargain at a cool $9000. You know you want one.

And then...

Watching movies is hard to do while driving

Not that I tried. It's just that with traversing 1500 miles across the country over two days, I didn't have much time to take in any feature films. That didn't stop me from catching a couple portions of flicks on cable or from waxing nostalgic on the Muscles from Brussels.

Whilst enjoying the lovely confines of an Amarillo (TX) Motel 6 on Saturday night (you wish your Saturday was that thrilling), I caught about half of The Last Boy Scout. Made during the limbo period of Bruce Willis' career (after Die Hard 2 and prior to Pulp Fiction), Boy Scout gets either neglected or just plain dismissed as another bad 80s style action flick, a precursor and perhaps target of the action parody Last Action Hero (it was released in 1991). Sure, it's filled with over-the-top villains and dumb one-liners, but there's a certain charm to Willis, and Wayans proves he capable of acting while bringing some of his comedy chops along the way. What can I say - I'm a sucker for it. And though I fell asleep before he appeared onscreen, I'm also a fan of Taylor Negron. Great that guy/character actor there.

Also seen in bits and pieces over the last few days is the college comedy Accepted, starring Justin Long. While not being all that funny, it has the feel of something that will pick up an audience on cable, bolstered by the appearance of the now-more-famous Jonah Hill (looking about 50 lbs. heavier as well), Lewis Black, the capable Long (in non-annoying mode, just as I like him) and George Bush lookalike Anthony Heald, who should get some credit as being the Paul Gleason (The Breakfast Club) of the 90s and 00s. Accepted isn't great, but it's fun in a PCU kind of way.

Finally, my favorite Jean-Claude Van Damme flicks, just for the hell of it. Let's all shed a tear for the fact that we don't currently have a horribly-accented Euro action star these days.

5. Hard Target - it's hard to go wrong with Lance Henriksen as your bad guy.
4. Kickboxer - wonderfully bad. And what's not to love about Tong Po?
3. Lionheart - "He's gon' kill you, Lionheart!" Also features the bizzaro/musclebound version of Troy Aikman.
2. Double Impact - Ok, they're twins...from Hong Kong. One goes to America as an infant, yet both end up with a Belgian accent. Where do they come up with this stuff. Also features...
1. Bloodsport - Bolo Yeung as one of the bad guys. Chong Li is one of the greatest movie villains of all time. Throw in a slumming Forrest Whitaker, a fresh JC and the guy who says "Oh, right, like put up your dukes." and you have one of the greatest bad action movies of all time.

(For the record, JC was dead to me after 1995's Sudden Death. As good/bad as that was (Powers Boothe!), that was the end of the line. I could not follow Van Damme on his Quest, nor could I watch him with Rob Schneider and Dennis Rodman. How sad.)

And then...

That's it. I've had enough. I'm out of here.

Ok, not really. I'm just headed out of town for a few days and will be away from the internets for pretty much the duration as I fly to the Midwest, then spend pretty much the rest of the time driving back to Arizona.

I'll return with a new post on Monday or Tuesday. Enjoy your weekends.

And then...

Survivor: China - Episode 1 Recap

Well, I'm going to try to add another (short-lived) feature here, one that I will no doubt be unable to keep up with, especially as it seems that the bulk of the "features" here are back-loaded towards the end of the week, and I only have so much time in the days. That said, the recaps probably won't be terribly long, but I'm a big fan of the show, so here goes. I won't give you a guide to the people or major bios or anything, as I figure you either watch the show or you don't - if not, enjoy the random words and pretty pictures and spend your time awaiting the next non-Survivor post.


The theme for this season of Survivor? Stupidity, apparently.

As we meet up with our castaways, they are being taken on a journey from Shanghai to a remote Buddhist temple. They receive a warrior's welcome, and are then asked to partake in a "welcome ceremony" (Jeff Probst's words) inside a temple. It doesn't take long for two of the "castaways" to alienate their hosts (and most likely, a number of viewers) as a young waitress from NYC thinks it's all just so dumb and a Christian radio show host feels as though the ceremony is infringing upon her personal relationship with the Jesus and must leave the temple.

Shortly after the ceremony, Jeff tells the group to ditch their suitcases, grab their buffs and head towards their respective islands. Oops - a number of morons are wearing not-so-jungle attire, including WWE wrestler Ashley (pictured at right) wearing knee-high boots and fishnet stockings, and another woman wearing heels. Additionally, a perky blonde states "I'm like totally not wearing a bra, Jeff" (I'm paraphrasing), to which Jeff responds "Tough sh*t." What a magical season we're in for.

Fast forward to the tribes' arrival at their camps, where we find the usual confusion/slackery behavior. Meanwhile, the unironically named "Chicken" (he's a chicken farmer - get it?) manages to first turn bossy ("You're doing it all wrong"), then ornery ("Do what you want"), and then just clams up. Way to ingratiate your backwoods charms upon your tribe mates, Chicken.

Up until the immunity challenge is filled with the seasonal getting-to-know-you stuff, with professional poker player Jean-Robert (pictured, not French despite the name) making friends with a gay Mormon flight attendant, telling him "I can tell you're clever. I like you, Billy." Whatever. Also, "I'm a surfer, but also a leader" guy just comes off as generally annoying.

Nothing spectacular happens at the challenge, with the Crouching Tiger team beating the Hidden Dragon team (or vice versa - who knows or cares at this point). Upon arrival at their camp, young PG immediately bursts into tears as she realizes how lame her team is. This rubs the team the wrong way, as she is next seen bossing them around. I feel for her, as she is right to worry, but maybe not the best of strategies there, PG.

At Tribal Council, everyone busts on wrassler Ashley as the big, tough girl managed to get "violently ill" immediately after arriving and coincidentally didn't do much of any work. Actually sick or brilliant ploy? You be the judge. However, her breasts (and the attached head) are saved from the chopping block as Chicken managed to piss off enough people to get axed. Dumb again, losers. Chick may have been unwise to become prickly, but he was strong, smart (in the survival sense, at least) and was a hard worker. Instead, the dance team will go on to lose next week for sure.

More sad news: it looks like my favorite competitor (so far), the quiet gravedigger James, has decided to hook up with DJ Jesus. Please see the light, James - you help so many other people to do just that.

Next week: Dave (occupation: "Former model") takes on the wrassler. Awesome. Kick ass, Dave.

And then...

TGITDNMAR (9/21/07)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

A day early for a change!

In terms of the last few weeks, this feature has managed to lose its purpose. Due to a lack of good product being released (at least in the Phoenix area), there hasn't been much that has come out that I've wanted to see, or have seen lately. According to the number of reviews posted in this space (a review is written for every film seen in the theater), I only saw four movies in August and only four thus far into September. Boo me.

As for the recent releases: 3:10 to Yuma? We almost saw it the other day, but something more important came up. Eastern Promises? Doesn't come out until today. The Brave One? Reviews have been middling to say the best, and the fact that Death Sentence just came out as well ain't helping. I'd like to see No End in Sight but haven't gotten around to seeing it yet, and A Fistful of Quarters isn't playing here. Boo. Anyway, here are this week's entries into the fray - there might even be a couple interesting ones in the bunch.

Resident Evil: Extinction
I've seen parts of the first one on cable, and none of the second. I've never played the video game, don't think much of Milla as an actress (outside of Dazed & Confused and maybe The Fifth Element), and generally don't care about this series. Still, it's set in (ghost) Vegas, so it has that going for it, which is nice.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 3%



The Jane Austen Book Club
Hahahahaha! You're kidding, right? Even for a chick flick, this looks horrendous.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 1 in a million






The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
I was excited for this film the first time I heard about it. Unfortunately, that was something like three years ago. For being an actor, Brad Pitt sure hasn't been in much lately, considering his bit parts in Babel and Ocean's Thirteen were no doubt filmed after this film was made. That said, he has six other films in some stage of production (one in post-production - The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, one currently filming, two in pre-production and two announced), so there might just be a wave of Pitt films in the near future.

Despite whatever troubles the producers might have had in getting Jesse James to the screen (there has been talk of clashes between the director and studio over the pacing and tone), it's still an appealing film, for the two stars if nothing else.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 72%


Good Luck Chuck
Could the previews look much worse? Aside from the gratuitous (only in its overuse; I'm sure it plays an important part in the film) shots of Alba in her little penguin panties, this looks to be a waste of celluloid. Particularly annoying is the heavy set best friend character that would have been inhabited by a vastly superior Jeremy Piven had this been made ten years ago. But really, Dane, leave these retarded rom-coms (yes, I realize that the abbreviated "rom-com" is retarded in and of itself) to Ben Stiller - he's got the market cornered.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): .6667%

Into the Wild
If you see one really depressing movie about a guy who moves to the middle of nowhere and slowly dies, make it this one. Hope I didn't give away anything; I read that in an Esquire feature of director Sean Penn. From all accounts, this is a very good-possibly great film featuring a(n even more) star-making turn from Emile Hirsch (whose charm helped carry the underrated teen flick The Girl Next Door to Hughes-ian levels). Throw in an Eddie Vedder-led soundtrack and Penn's excellent track record as a director (The Crossing Guard, The Pledge) and you've got an intriguing pic.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 68%

And then...

Big Trouble in Little Anaheim

Take a good look at the trimmed posted above. Then take another. See anything that catches your eye?

I'm not typically one to analyze (much less over analyze) the copywriting done by the movie studios on their posters or commercials, but this one-sheet for Disney's upcoming The Game Plan struck me. Disney, bringer of joy to millions of children around the world, the company that would be out of business, in fact, were it not for kids, seems to think insulting them is the way to go here.

"First, he has to tackle one little problem."

Wow, talk about a bad choice of words there. A football star's child is seen as a "problem?" Sure, your typical football star who finds a child upon his doorstep might think that he/she is a problem, but surely Disney doesn't want us all to think of kids as problems, do they?

Of course not...in the end, I'm sure Joe Kingman will come to find that he loves, even needs his little problem to make his life complete. The arrival of the little moppet will end up being the best thing that ever happened to Joe, and he and his problem will live happily ever after.

And then...

A really bad movie idea that cracks me up nonetheless

Arnold Schwarzenegger's Kindergarten Cop has been a neverending source of comedy since it's arrival some 17 years ago. Upon release, people thought it was actually a cute, amusing story - showcasing the hardened detective played by Ahnuld turned into a sweet, giant teddy bear by a gang of 5 year olds, some of which got some of the best lines themselves ("It might be a tumor," "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!").

However, what's really turned into the comedy goldmine over the years (at least for me and a few friends) are just various lines said by Schwarzenegger over the course of the film, most of which are made funny only by the big guy's accent and timing ("I'm Detective John Kimble! I'm a cop, you idiot!"; "Who is your daddy and what does he do?"). For more fun with these, I direct you to one of the many Arnold soundboards over at eBaum's World.

Anyhow, that's not totally what this is about. See, this weekend, another blockbuster from the early 90s showed up on cable and I got sucked in. In fact, it's another movie that involves a Kimble and a bunch of cops.

Tonally, The Fugitive couldn't be much different from Kindergarten Cop, yet all I could dream of afterwards was a mashup of the two movies in which a detective goes undercover as a kindergarten teacher while looking for the one-armed man who killed his wife.

"I'm detective John Richard Kimble! I'm looking for a one-armed man, you idiot!!"

My deepest apologies if this doesn't bring a smile to your face, as it does mine. If not, try to think of some other films where the characters have the same last name that could be mashed up. There's bound to be something that cracks you up. Perhaps Pulp Fiction's Marsellus Wallace and Weird Science's Gary Wallace (Anthony Michael Hall)?

And then...

TGITDNMAR (9/14/07)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

It's hard to review movies if you don't go see them, and as I've documented a lot lately, there hasn't been all that much to see. Finally, that's changing this Friday (which also happens to be FletchFather's birthday - Happy Birthday, Dad!).

Lots of new releases this week, but many are limited and will probably never make it to any of our respective wood necks (Phoenix is one of the worst big cities in terms of this. Boo!). That said, let's just look at the major releases:

Eastern Promises
I'm a big Viggo fan, a so-so Naomi Watts fan, and generally not a fan of David Cronenberg (the high comedy of Crash notwithstanding). Likewise, Mrs. Fletch isn't a fan of ultraviolent pics. That said, we both enjoyed (but didn't love) the last Mortensen-Cronenberg collaboration (A History of Violence). It will probably come down to how bad we want to see a movie and what we've already seen. I'm up for it, but I can live with waiting, too - unless word of mouth turns out to be fantastic or something.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 38%


Mr. Woodcock
You've got to be kidding, right? Look, we all pretty much know that Billy Bob can be an immensely talented guy, right? Sling Blade rightfully put him on the map, Bad Santa was a bad but pretty funny movie, and his character work over the years (Tombstone) is excellent. But...maybe Billy Bob shouldn't be the star of movies anymore? It's not from a lack of talent, it's from a history of horrible choices. Maybe going the Steve Buscemi route might be the better career path. Oh, and Pushing Tin is one of the worst movies of the last 15 years. Gawdawful.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): -50%


The Hunting Party
This looks good. Dick Gere and Terry Howard star as a news correspondent and cameraman, respectively, who have been to hell and back and are out on the road for "one last adventure." Ok, so the premise isn't all that groundbreaking, and for some reason, I picture all of their real-life counterparts screaming at the screen and how ludicrous it may be, but I'm a fan of post-1990 Richard Gere (no Sommersby, please). Mrs. Fletch? Not so much. Hmm...might be a week of movies by myself.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 33%


The Brave One
The more I read and see about this one, the less I want to see it. Again, there's a good cast here (Foster, Howard and Lost's Naveen Andrews), but, even though I might think that Death Sentence looks mostly awful, I can't help but be bothered that it gets a bad rap while this one skates by on the dignity of its star. They're the same movie!! This one just strikes me as pompous now (admittedly, through no fault of its own). No thanks.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 11%

And then...

Thursday's Things to Click On (9/13/07)

Let's get straight to the clickables, shall we?

* If you didn't get enough Full House here last week, The Big Lead was able to give you this week's serving: Have Mercy! Also, many thanks to The Big Lead for linking to my FH post - they're kind of a big deal.

* Reel Fanatic has been on fire lately. First, a tremendous look at next year's summer blockbusters, then just today, a great list of Guilty Pleasure movies (be sure to read the comments as well) - though I had to scold the author and commenters for failing to mention Road House, aka The Greatest Guilty Pleasure Movie of All Time. Also, a proper shout-out to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which starts its new season tonight. Great, great comedy (on FX, check local listings).

* Don't know if this will be yanked or not, but here's a clip from the upcoming Bob Dylan (biopic?) I'm Not There (featuring Cate Blanchett as the bard). If you haven't heard about it, read about it here first. As a Dylan fan (being named after him doesn't hurt), this sounds phenomenal, with an 85% chance at being amazing and a 15% chance of being horrible, and really, don't those make for the best films?

* Offsprung.com brings us the 10 Funniest MPAA Ratings Reasons. Pretty funny stuff.

* From Film School Rejects, another glowing review of 2 Days in Paris. Seriously, it's the best "totally ignored film of the year." Find it.

* I'd heard about this awhile back, but there had been no news since. Let's just call them The Wachowski Sibings from now on, shall we?

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: 2 Days in Paris

All this summer, we had been waiting. I was, you might have been, Hollywood and some little (maybe) studio certainly was. Waiting for that one indie to catch fire, to go from making $40,000 one week to $2 million to the next, on the way to grossing $20 or $30 or even $50 million plus. Where has our Napoleon Dynamite been?

Well, you can probably see where this is going. Unfortunately, it's no longer summer (except for here in Arizona, where it's still well over 100 degrees every day...but I digress). It's September. Kids back in school, fall TV season shifting into gear and the sports seasons returning/kicking it up a notch. Meanwhile, 2 Days in Paris has barely grossed $2 million total in over a month. For shame.

Outside of the much hyped (and deservedly so) Knocked Up and Superbad, this is the funniest movie of the year. Outside of that, it's also the best "romantic comedy" you've seen in the past 20. True, saying a romantic comedy is great is practically an oxymoron these days, but that's exactly why this one is so good.

Avoiding the tired cliches of the boy-meets-girl, boy-loses blah blah blah convention, 2 Days in Paris starts us off with a couple two years into their relationship - just at about the time where they've had more than enough time to have gotten to know each other and the idiosyncrasies are just starting to bug the other person. Or maybe they've been bugging the other for awhile now, but will finally be put to the test by a European vacation and subsequent stay with one set of parents. Yet where Meet the Parents failed in oh so many ways, 2 Days in Paris flourishes.

It's shot with a handheld camera, and, while this may make some ill (and has been railed upon for overuse in previous films such as the Bourne series), it works here, lending even more reality (and no doubt saving some money from the low budget) to the already real and fresh script, written by director (and star, and editor, and composer) Julie Delpy. This might as well be a documentary of the relationship between Jack (Adam Goldberg; hilarious, annoying, and endearing all at once) and Marion (Delpy; flawed, angry and endearing all at once). Better yet, these are layered, multi-faceted characters, bolstered by the fact that Marion's parents are played by Delpy's real-life parents (Albert Delpy and Marie Pillet).

Yet with all the smallness (close-knit cast, tight sets, low budget), this is a BIG film about BIG issues. No knock against Something About Mary, but I doubt anyone walked away having learned something about themselves, their significant others, or the opposite sex. You just might here - and you might pick up some French as well, as the movie's about 70% English to 30% French. Don't let that scare you away.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"It's in the hole!"

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: The Ten

There's something to be said for the peaks and valleys of absurdist sketch comedy. Unlike the rote predictability of sketch shows like MadTV and Saturday Night Live, oddball shows like The State, Stella, and Upright Citizen's Brigade seem to either succeed massively or fall flat on their face (oh wait, SNL has fallen flat on their face almost constantly in the last few years).

David Wain's The Ten is no different. A humorous take on the Ten Commandments, done anthology-stlye with a 10 minute sketch for each commandment, there's a variance in quality not only between each sketch, but within each sketch, right down to a minute-by-minute basis. On the plus side, though, this is the rare film that significantly picks up steam as it goes, helped by the meandering that the characters do from sketch to sketch. Each story has its own plot and set of main characters, but an ancillary performer in one commandment may turn out to be the star of the next, and vice-versa.

Paul Rudd serves as a de-facto narrator for the ten stories, appearing in the beginning and in between each, along with co-stars Famke Jensen (playing his wife) and Jessica Alba (playing a woman he has an affair with). Unfortunately, each sequence (filmed on a sound stage, play-like, with a black background and sparse props) with the normally likable Rudd drags the movie down more and more, removing any steam the sketches had picked up. Simply showing the stone tablets in between and moving on would have made the film much better (Rudd and Jensen star in one of the ten, which isn't great but doesn't fall flat, either).

The sketches themselves are, as I said, hit or miss. The standout features Gretchen Mol as a frigid librarian on a vacation to Mexico. While enjoying her stay and practicing her Spanish, she encounters a local handyman and ends up having a passionate affair with him. Trust me, it's gold all around. Other highlights including Liev Schrieber trying to one-up his neighbor in a "who can own the most CT scan machines" contest, and Winona Ryder having the hots for a dummy. No, really. Also, Rob Corddry and Ken Marino have an affair of their own...in prison.

Despite the Rudd interludes and some of the misses, The Ten is definitely worth catching. Though the whole "Ten Commandments" premise is only kinda sorta stuck to, the rampant absurdity and excellent writing will keep you amused, if not laughing, for a vast majority of the time. Seeing Winona Ryder mount a ventriloquist dummy doesn't hurt, either.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"Darn tootin!"

And then...

TGITDNMAR (9/7/07)

It's that time again for TGITDNMAR, which (obviously) stands for Thank God It's The Day New Movies Are Released.

Well, it's finally September, and not surprisingly, the quality of the new releases has vastly improved already. Also not surprisingly, with the NFL kicking off this weekend, there are only three major releases hitting theaters. Well, two and a half, I guess - not sure if The Brothers Solomon really counts as a major release. Let's get to it:

3:10 To Yuma
This western has a pretty strong pedigree. The director of Walk the Line. Two headliner stars in Russell Crowe and Christian Bale. Even a strong supporting cast, including Peter Fonda, Dallas Roberts, Ben Foster, Gretchen Mol and Alan Tudyk. Yet, despite all that, I still can't get all that amped up to see this - combine that with Mrs. Fletch's total lack of desire to see it, and what you get is this:
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 19%


Shoot 'Em Up
All the comparisons to Sin City aren't helping, as I was bored and disappointed with the beautiful-but-otherwise lacking Frank Miller adaptation. Nonetheless, I'm intrigued by this one. Stars Clive Owen and Paul Giamatti always bring their A game, and Monica Belucci, while not the greatest of actresses (at least when speaking English), is always nice to look at.
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 25%


The Brothers Solomon
Will Arnett just can't get a break. So good as GOB on Arrested Development, Arnett hasn't appeared in anything of quality on film ever since. RV? Ugh. Let's Go To Prison? It had a few moments, but was pretty bad overall. Blades of Glory was ok, but nothing worth remembering long term. Now comes Solomon, and the previews couldn't look much worse. Arnett and Will Forte star as (!) brothers trying to get their dying father's fortune...or something like that. Really - who cares?
Fletch's Chance of Viewing (in the theater): 0%

And then...

Movies I'm Really Not Looking Forward To - Full House: The Movie

Consider this the first in what could be a never-ending series. I imagine that the trend will be to spotlight other TV shows that will inevitably be made into crappy movies (Just the Ten of Us, anyone?), but for now, let's just settle in on this one.

In the spirit of movies no one ever wanted to see like The Beverly Hillbillies, Leave it to Beaver, and George of the Jungle, I can't help but think of the inevitability that the studio execs of tomorrow, no doubt at a loss for original material, will be more than happy to dig into the dregs of 80s and 90s television for ideas. First on the list? Full House. One of the pioneers of ABC's "TGIF" block of family-oriented programming (along with Perfect Strangers, Just the Ten of Us, and Mr. Belvedere), House will probably end up being best known as the vehicle that launched the "careers" of Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, but it was actually a pretty big success on its own, on the air from 1987-1995, furthering the career of John Stamos and giving Bob Saget a segue into his later hosting and stand-up careers. Dave Coulier, meanwhile, just ended up being the guy getting blasted by Alanis Morrissette in her 1995 hit "You Oughta Know." Oh well, they can't all be winners.

So...if you were a casting agent and were asked to put together the ensemble for a Full House flick to be released in the near future, who would you pick?

Keep in mind the relative profile of the project. Brad Pitt as Uncle Jesse? Jessica Alba as Aunt Becky? Not a chance in hell. Also, while physical resemblances to the original characters may be nice, they are by no means a necessity or a prerequisite.

Okay, enough foreplay. I present to you the cast of Full House: The Movie.

Danny Tanner
Danny is a loving, caring, father of three daughters. He also hosts a morning talk show ("Wake Up, San Francisco") with Rebecca Donaldson (aka the future Aunt Becky). He's also boring, vanilla, lame and somewhat annoying. But he's nice.
The Realistic Pick: David Schwimmer
The Alternate: Luke Wilson
The Dream: Steve Carell



Uncle Joey
Not really an "Uncle," Mr. Gladstone is Danny's best friend from way back, a wannabe stand-up comedian and big-time hockey fan. He later goes on to form some sort of jingle producing company with Uncle Jesse, which leads to much wacky zaniness and jingles. Joey's sorta pudgy, really friendly, does a mean badger (squirrel? moose?) impression and lives in the basement. Not coincidentally, he doesn't date much.
Realistic Pick: Rainn Wilson
Alternate: Dane Cook
2nd Alternate: John Krasinski



Uncle Jesse
Danny's wife was killed by a drunken driver prior to the shows airing. It's the setup for the show, the reason why three doofi are raising three little girls. Danny's wife's little brother is Jesse Katssdfksdjfsdpolis, a Greek, Elvis-loving, mullet-wearing rock 'n' roller who likes to crack wise and is generally seen as the "cool one" in the house (somehow...despite the mullet. Oh well, I guess that will just have to be changed for the film).
Realistic Pick: Adrien Grenier
Alternate: Freddie Prinze, Jr.
2nd Alternate: Matt LeBlanc


Aunt Becky
Pretty much the lone adult female on the show, Aunt Becky has her hands full. De-facto Aunt to Danny's kids, she's also his co-host. Then she dates and later marries Jesse, and they have twins. It's a wonder she didn't go on a murder spree - living with three adult men and 5 children in the same house (not to mention a dog)? Ugh.
Realistic Pick: Tiffani Amber-Theissen
Dream: Jessica Biel


DJ
Looking big picture, I don't think the casting of the kids is nearly as important as the adults. Throw a few adorable moppets into the roles that can act halfway decent and you'll be just fine. Hey, it worked for The Brady Bunch Movie - they had six unknowns and relied on the brilliance of Gary Cole (and the fine job by a normally-hated-by-Fletch Shelley Long) to carry the flick. Anyway, it's hard to replace Candace Cameron, but we'll have to try. DJ started out as a somewhat pudgy annoyance to her younger sister, Stephanie, but turned into a responsible young adult who helped raise her younger sisters and cousins. Good for her.
Realistic Pick: Miley Cyrus
Alternate/Dream: Dakota Fanning


Stephanie
Full of annoying catchphrases (that, thankfully, I can't recall right now), adorable little Stephanie Tanner couldn't help but get into trouble. She also fought constantly with her big sis, with whom she had to share a room.
Realistic Pick: Elle Fanning
Alternate/Wild Card: Bindi Irwin


Michelle
As my (make believe) movie would be set somewhere around the second or third year of the show's existence, little Michelle would still pretty much be a toddler. As such, I have no recommendation other than to find a pair of twins (naturally) that somewhat resemble the Olsens. As long as they're remotely cute (and most 3-year olds are, right?), it won't matter.


Kimmy Gibler
Thought I'd forgotten about her, didn't you? How could I forget the character that created the mold later filled by Jenna Von Oy as "Six" on Blossom. In other words, the annoying teen aged neighbor/friend. Maybe she didn't create it - either way, she turned it into an art form. Unfortunately, I've pretty much run the gamut of my child actor knowledge with the picks for DJ and Stephanie, so I have no idea who to cast here. If you have some ideas, be sure to leave a comment. Yeah, I'm disappointed, too.


Finally, a bonus for you. While "researching" this post, I was lucky enough to have been pitched a narrative for the movie by an internets friend of mine. Consider yourself blessed to hear it as well - its' that good (maybe). I've added to a bit as well. I can't wait for the movie!!

"Comet (the dog) runs away and somehow ends up on TV in New York. The Tanner clan heads across America to get him. Along the way, they bond as a family and grow as people. As it turns out, Comet was picked up by some young actress (who has a weakness for hockey-loving bad stand-ups) hitchhiking across America. Comet probably ran off in the first place after Stephanie got mad and yelled at him. Losing him will teach her a valuable lesson. While in New York, they run into Quincy Jones and Al Roker, who are playing badminton at the park where the clan finally finds Comet. Through a series of clever wise cracks by Michelle, Stephanie, and to a lesser extent, DJ, along with some smooth talking by Danny and Jesse, Quincy hooks up Jesse and the Rippers (his band) with that big audition the band has been waiting for. This could be their big break! Meanwhile, Al likes Danny's style and gets him and Becky an audition with Good Morning, America! In the end, they'll realize that their true home is in San Francisco, and when they arrive back at the house, Jesse will have already quit the Rippers to be a stay at home dad for his soon-to-arrive twins. As a bonus, in a move that makes everyone happy, while in NY, Kimmy runs into a big shot lawyer (named Mr. Bacon), falls in love, and stays out east (he helps her with her emancipation paperwork to boot). Everyone wins."

The End

By the way, thanks to all who contributed to this post by offering up their suggestions for the various characters. It was fun. Also, if you have any suggestions for future TV shows for this segment, be sure to email or comment. Some that are running around in my head are: Perfect Strangers, Golden Girls, and Night Court)

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: Death at a Funeral

I'm curious as to what the legacy of Frank Oz will be. He sure has had a strange and interesting career, as an actor, puppeteer, voice actor, director and even as a "muppet creative consultant." He's the voice of many cultural icons, from Grover to Bert to Cookie Monster to Miss Piggy and even Fozzie Bear, not to mention a little green guy from the Star Wars movies.

He's directed 12 feature films (half of which have been released since 1997) and even they are a varied bunch - he started with (not surprisingly) a Jim Henson production, the Muppets meets Lord of the Rings saga The Dark Crystal. That was followed by another Muppets movie, and that with a still-puppetted Little Shop of Horrors. The next 15 years were filled overwhelmingly with comedies, until 2001's heist flick The Score (though not great, pretty good and definitely worth watching if only to see three of the best actors of the last 50 years in one movie: Brando, DeNiro and Norton). A few years ago, he oversaw the disaster that was The Stepford Wives and now comes Death at a Funeral, a very "British" comedy brought to us by an American director and featuring two Americans (Alan Tudyk, playing British, and Peter Dinklage, not) in feature roles.

The guy should win a Lifetime Achievement Award for Versatility, if nothing else.

Death at a Funeral won't end up adding much to Oz's legacy, but it won't take anything away, either. It's pretty straightforward and predictable, yet picks up steam in the second half (always nice to see, as I find that most films do the opposite and lose interest towards the end) and is amusing throughout. A clever opening credit sequence sets up the film, as a coffin is delivered to a tony home in suburban London (I presume). Certain family and friends are spotlighted as they journey to the home, all with varying degrees of success. Though it features an ensemble cast, the film centers on the two sons of the dearly departed, played by Matthew Macfadyen and Rupert Graves.

A long line of goofs, gaffes, improprieties, random drug use, nudity and twists await the guests and they try to put the patriarch to rest, all the while dealing with an impatient Reverend. All that surrounds the real story, which is that of family and brotherhood, of dealing with mixed roles and responsibilities (or lack thereof). It's the warm and tender center of a film that will most likely be described as "zany" or "madcap" or some other dumb adjective. This play-like film won't change your life or keep you rolling in the aisles the whole time, but it is a cheery and fun time nonetheless.

Now, some random thoughts on the movie:

* Props to Andy Nyman for doing what is essentially a spot-on impersonation of (a British) George Costanza. Everything about the role screams "Costanza!," from the mysterious skin condition that his character is certain must be deadly, to having to deal with a pain-in-the-ass uncle. Perfect.

* Ewan Bremner (Trainspotting) appears in a small but memorable role as a lech trying to get back with a one-night stand from some years back. Always nice to see Spud.

* American Alan Tudyk (Dodgeball, Serenity) works double time, playing not only an acid-induced (unknowingly) guest, but employing a British accent all the while. He does a good job, too, if you ask me.

* As I stated previously, it's great to see Peter Dinklage (The Station Agent) in a role that has nothing to do with his diminutive status. As hard a time as many minorities have in Hollywood getting parts that were "intended" for white actors, I imagine that little people have an even harder time, as first they must be taken seriously. Dinklage has succeeded thus far, and I wish him continued success. If you haven't seen The Station Agent, you should; Dinklage and Bobby Cannavale both give great performances.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

And then...

Fletch's Film Review: Superbad

I feel bad for Jason Biggs. And Eddie Kaye Thomas. Well, really, the entire cast and crew of American Pie. Sure, Pie was a big hit and got some good reviews some 10 years ago, but nowhere near the love that Superbad and the King Midas-like Judd Apatow are feeling right now. Don't get me wrong - this isn't to say that I think Superbad is a bad film or a cheap knockoff - not in the least. However, there sure are a lot of similarities between that first pastry-influenced film and the latest hit from the Apatow family. For starters, the Sherminator has offered to kick McLovin's ass.

All that said, I enjoyed Superbad quite a bit. As DC Girl @ the Movies pointed out in her review, much like John Hughes, Apatow's films (mind you, Superbad was directed by Greg Mottola and not Apatow, but he produced and has his hands all over the project) have a specific feel or brand all their own. In the near future, the specifics of that brand (raunchy, crass humor mixed with heart) may have to be tweaked in order to resist against an audience tiring of seeing (essentially) the same movie over and over, but there's no denying that the last three (this, along with Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin) have been substantial critical and commercial hits.

If you're not familiar with the general story here, allow me to sum it up: high school buddies want to use booze to get girls drunk and take advantage of their lowered inhibitions. Wackiness ensues. It doesn't sound like anything all that original or thrilling, but the appeal of this (and KU and 40YOV) is in its stars. Jonah Hill and Michael Cera immerse themselves in the friendship between their characters beyond the point of homoeroticism, all to hilarious results. Though Hill is probably best served in small doses, Cera has an uncanny ability to take any and every line and turn it into an awkward, stumbling, nervous (and funny) joke.

In the end, there really isn't much else to say about Superbad, and it's probably best not to over think it. It's a dick and fart joke movie, minus the fart jokes, with some other ones in their place. Throw in some "heart" and you've got yourself a funny, sometimes tender love letter between two BFFs.

Fletch's Film Rating:

"It's in the hole!"

And then...